For some years, I've worked with a manufacturing company in the southwestern United States. The company founder and CEO's middle daughter, Sally, took over as CEO when her father died a few years ago. Her two sisters had no interest in working at the company. Sally's dad epitomized the high-control type of leader. He made every decision from large capital expenditures to what type of coffee they drank in the break room.

Sally knew a lot about running manufacturing operations but she did not know the whole enterprise. When she took over, the first two years were stay the course—almost a grieving period. She made minimal changes and didn't even occupy her father's office. It stayed vacant almost like a memorial to him. Everyone wondered if she would ever put her own imprint on the company or simply try to continue to operate within the lines her father had drawn.

Sally worried that the changes she was contemplating might actually harm the company and that people wouldn't shift their allegiance to an untested new family member as CEO. She asked me to be an independent sounding board for the changes she wanted to make.

The business had been very successful, but it had also grown to the point where one person could not effectively control the company via force of personality as her father had done. The advent of ecommerce and internal management complexities required major rethinking of how to run the business. She also felt that some of the senior managers were not squarely behind her.

Over the next 12 months, Sally initiated some major changes, including parting ways with some of the old guard. She also reorganized the senior management team and worked on empowering managers at lower levels to make more decisions. While this might sound minor in scale to many seasoned leaders, it was a huge transformation for this company's culture.

Not without some significant hiccups, the business adapted well to the new cultural mandates and began growing new sales channels, a critically needed initiative. Sally's leadership changes created considerable stress and included significant financial risk. One morning as we ended a private meeting, I said to her, “Sally, I've worked with many companies, and very few CEOs have brought about the number of changes you have so skillfully. You have exhibited great integrity in the way you've handled some of the difficult personnel changes, always maintaining people's dignity publically and privately. You paid a significant emotional price to run the company differently than your father did. You demonstrated profound courage and initiative in making these changes. You faced down some important detractors and bumped heads with some big egos who sometimes patronized you. You went toe-to-toe with the banks to convince them that you were up to running the whole company. Your emotional resilience amazed everyone.”

At that point, I stopped talking. As I observed Sally's face, she seemed almost hypnotized. Tears welled up. She said nothing for about a minute and then quietly thanked me for the encouragement.

What happened in that brief transaction? I spoke Words of Life to Sally's core. I had the privilege of observing her for many months as she navigated these difficult changes. What I was not doing was giving her a pat on the back and saying, “Good job.” Rather, I affirmed the person inside her core. When this exchange happens authentically, the effect is almost magical. Affirmation of another's core manifests a power like no other. When skillfully and authentically delivered, Words of Life leave the recipient momentarily speechless.

Sally could not have gone through what she did without significant doubt. She took major risks with her company to bring about such wholesale changes. These Words of Life transformed her in that they deeply affirmed the courage and integrity she demonstrated in how she led the company.

While there had been other times over the months when I affirmed Sally's style, her competence, and her decisions, this represented a unique opportunity to affirm her in a more substantive way. It happened somewhat spontaneously but the thoughts had been in formation for some period of time. This is not something I would do every week, but when timed well, it transforms. I could see in Sally's face that she was lodging deeper convictions in her core about the type of leader she wanted to be going forward. My affirmation merged with a growing body of self-affirming statements. “I can do this. I can make good decisions. My instincts about where the company needs changing are right. I can figure out who's going to be on my team and those who cannot make the transition. I know I need others to help me run the company. I am growing in my confidence but I also know others must step up to lead.” Her self-affirmation and the affirmation of others, including the words I spoke to her, lodged a growing set of beliefs in her core that would direct her going forward. Brain science now confirms that self-affirmation opens the pathway for others to speak into a person's core—more on this in Chapter 5.

In Chapter 3, we talked about affirming style and competence. These are critically important in the development of personal effectiveness; however, to truly bring about personal transformation, we must reach a person's core with Words of Life—the subject of this chapter.

Was I personally responsible for Sally's transformation? Absolutely not, but as a trusted advisor, I was a catalyst to encourage her to make the changes she knew were needed. I helped her codify the beliefs that were well underway in their formation.

When we are in a position of influence as an advisor, leader, parent, or coach, we can help the other person transform. We are, in fact, feeding the brain regions that are receptive to this type of affirmation, which then produce the transformation Sally longed to make in her own core! I was simply a catalyst.

What Is Our Core and How Do We Reach the Core of Another Person?

Throughout this book, I use the word core as a metaphor for the person inside us. Our core includes what the ancients metaphorically referred to as our “heart” or “mind.” Hebrew writers referred to our “inward parts.” They viewed our core as the seat of our character, conscience, courage, thoughts, feelings, attitudes, desires, considerations, and volition.

Where is our metaphysical core located? Philosophers and theologians have debated this question over the centuries. The anatomical location of our core is not important for how we will talk about our core in this discussion. In fact, the more scientists learn about us points to the complexity and interworking of our heart, brain, and whole body in determining how we behave.

Throughout this book, I use the word core as a metaphor for the person inside us. Our core includes what the ancients metaphorically referred to as our “heart” or “mind.”

What I hold unarguable is that a person exists inside us, a living being I call our core. This inner person acts, feels, thinks, speaks, has desires, makes decisions, and has identity. Our core has a voice, which social scientists sometimes call self-talk. Whether we are aware of it, there is a steady conversation going on inside us, and when we learn to pay attention to that voice, the revelations about ourselves can be at least informative if not startling. Some experts believe that the number of words we speak to ourselves each day far exceeds the number of words we speak to others. I sometimes ask people if they talk to themselves. Although we all talk to ourselves, I am surprised at the number of people who are not aware of their inner voice (or, at least, will not admit they hear their inner voice).

Our core learns, forms opinions, and serves as the chief repository of our beliefs. What I strongly advocate for leaders is that their beliefs should be formed thoughtfully and intentionally. Regrettably, I see many leaders adopt certain beliefs without careful vetting. The worst candidates for beliefs flow into our core through media—TV, cable news, movies, and social media. We often absorb beliefs from these sources unconsciously.

Our beliefs provide a major governance factor in our behavior. When our beliefs are sound and true, they lead to effective leadership. When those beliefs are errant, and we act on those errant beliefs, the results can be catastrophic. Tiger Woods said in his infamous news conference following his wife's discovery of his multiple affairs, “I told myself I didn't have to follow the normal rules. I told myself I was entitled. I now know that I do have to follow the normal rules.” Tiger tragically discovered the reality that when we act on untrue beliefs, we sometimes pay a terrible price of personal destruction.

In an earlier book (Impact: Great Leadership Changes Everything ¹), I describe in much greater depth how beliefs are formed and how we are at considerable risk for lodging errant beliefs in our core.

While our style and competence are much more visible in our actions, our core is deeper, less observable, and less easily accessible. Style and competent actions play a pivotal role in our effectiveness; however, our core plays an even more impactful role in making us strong leaders. A strong core guides us toward extraordinary influence of others and an enduring legacy.

When our core is intact and congruent, others see us as authentic, humble, and trustworthy. When our core is compromised or conflicted, others experience us as arrogant, self-serving, and insecure. No matter how artful their style or competent their actions, every derailed leader I studied possessed a malfunctioning core—breached in some significant way.

Words of Life

If you want to know the primary message of this book, you've found it. Words of Life transform us, because they speak the language of the core. When we speak Words of Life to another, they reflect a special vocabulary giving us access to another's core. If we want to reach the core of a subordinate, one of our children, a student, or anyone else we seek to influence, we must give them Words of Life. By give, I mean give the other person a gift. Your words spoken authentically into their core will likely be the most important gift some people will ever receive. In my interviews with CEOs for this book, I was struck by how many reported what their boss said to them at critical junctures in their lives and how often their boss's words became an inflection point for good. Their bosses may not have known the phrase Words of Life, but nonetheless, they gave these future CEOs Words of Life at just the right time.

Words of Life contain the force to transform another person; they are significantly different from the words we might use to affirm another's style or competence. Words of Life truly bring out the best in another. Words of Life transform us and bring out the best in the important people we long to influence.

The act of affirming someone with Words of Life implants redemptive beliefs in a person's core, which, in turn, produces redemptive actions. By redemptive, I mean lifesaving, liberating, nurturing, and transformative.

Word of Life speak about our character—the unassailability of our inner person.

For example, when a vice president of marketing affirmed his manager for the courage and tact she skillfully displayed in telling the CEO that his business plan contained some seriously flawed assumptions, a belief took root in her core: Risk-taking is not easy, but telling our CEO the truth was the right thing to do. I must convey respect and appreciation for others' work, while not holding back on explaining the flaws that could hurt the performance of our organization.

What Are Words of Life?

What is the common thread in Words of Life? These powerful words speak about our character—the unassailability of our inner person. Words of Life address the dimensions of our core and speak the vocabulary of our core. The following list contains 10 types of affirmation that speak to another's core with an example in each category. These dimensions make it clear that Words of Life differ dramatically from a pat on the back.

My examples relate to what corporate leaders might say to people in their organization, but parents or teachers or coaches would use the same categories of core affirmation for those they seek to influence. I provide examples of age-appropriate Words of Life for children in Chapter 11.

• Integrity

  “When our manufacturing representative wanted us to sell our product to a country with a long history of human rights abuses and religious persecution, you made the call that we would not sell to them. This decision hurt your sales numbers and therefore your personal bonus for the year, but you showed tremendous integrity in that decision. I commend you.”

• Courage

  “You knew the CEO badly wanted to acquire that company even if the deal had some ‘hair’ on it. When you became aware that they intentionally misstated their EBITDA, you stood up to her and said you could not in good conscience recommend to the board that we buy that company. I tremendously respect the courage that required. The CEO was upset because she wanted their product line anyway. Your courage gave others courage, and we did what we all knew we should do—pass on the deal.”

• Humility

  “You've received a ton of great press for closing that huge development deal—even a mention in the Wall Street Journal! When you gave your acceptance speech at the awards banquet the other night, you handled the accolades very honorably. By mentioning each member of your team by name and the contribution each had made, you moved the attention off of you and on to those committed few who made the deal happen. Your humility and self-effacing manner endeared your team and the rest of us to you even more.”

• Judgment

  “The conflict over how to state the earnings with our second largest customer had disaster written all over it. We knew and most of them knew our solution was right. You navigated this so skillfully and judiciously that the leader of their accounting department saved face, even though he was clearly in the wrong. It was truly a work of art to make him the hero. You demonstrated great judgment and probably made them a customer for life.”

• Authenticity

  “Your team really respects and trusts you. I believe that results from being truthful and realistic with them. You don't try to manipulate them with rosy forecasts not grounded in reality. Your peers really trust you as well. They believe whatever you tell them is true. Your authenticity is a huge asset, and I wish more people followed your example.

• Self-regulation

  “You had every right to throw the whole legal department under the bus and run over them multiple times. You didn't do that, even though everybody at the meeting knew how badly they messed up the sale. Your restraint surprised us all when you could have really embarrassed them if you presented the details of how they torpedoed the deal to trump up their standing with the board. Even when the VP of legal tried to tarnish you, you didn't retaliate. The VP did himself no favors when he didn't own the problem. By the way, the CEO took the head of legal to the woodshed on Friday afternoon and made it clear that he knew exactly what happened. He also informed the Lead Director. You handled this really well.”

• Wisdom

  “I have no idea how you figured out the solution, but you remedied that problem with extraordinary skill. The client was happy that you were able to solve what has been a vexing problem for at least five years. It required very skillful navigation among the company, the tax lawyers, and the IRS. I'm not sure anyone else here could have pulled that off. Our CEO and I are deeply grateful for your work.”

• Candor

  “That was impressive! Nobody wanted to point out the dead cat under the table. It stunk but nobody wanted to say it was there. When you spoke up, it dramatically relieved the tension in the room. Your honesty and directness completely disarmed the strain we all felt and changed the direction we were headed. Most of us knew we were courting disaster, but someone had to speak up and label it for what it was. Thank you for saying what all of us should have said ourselves!”

• Resilience

  “You displayed great mental and emotional toughness over the last six months. The pace for all us of has been exhausting, but you manifested a special degree of persistence and flexibility over the entire length of the negotiation. Your tremendous stamina and good humor made this deal happen. Everybody in the C suite is ecstatic that we were successful, when odds-makers on the twentieth floor gave this deal a 1 out of 3 chance of closing. Thank you for an outstanding accomplishment.”

• Influence

  “The CEO tried to force this change on the organization two years ago, and it got him fired—the rebellion he created justified his firing. Our financial results and our morale tanked. Oddly, what he wanted to do was the right thing. He just did such an awful job of trying to force everybody to get in line. You won people over with vision, your winsome manner, and very convincing financial analysis. Your involvement of so many stakeholders won the day. They shaped the solution and then became the sponsors of the change. You demonstrated great skill in moving this to completion with everybody on board. You should be proud of this noteworthy achievement.”

Effective style and great competence are tremendously important, but when qualities of character are affirmed, we are much more likely to bring out the best in the person we seek to influence.

May I repeat this thought for emphasis. Words of Life affirm the qualities that can make our character unassailable. In most cases, leaders tend to affirm an action someone has taken. A far more powerful step is to affirm some dimension of a person's core which prompted the desired action. Effective style and great competence are tremendously important, but when qualities of character are affirmed, we are much more likely to draw out the best in the person we seek to influence.

Some leaders intuitively grasp this and use Words of Life. For others, it becomes a skill to master. In either case, Words of Life must authentically radiate from the core of the giver. One CEO I interviewed said, “The affirmation of another must come from inside you. It cannot be parroted. It must be authentic.”

When skillfully and authentically delivered, Words of Life leave the recipient momentarily speechless.

When a relationship of trust exists, another person allows us unique access to his or her core. The Words of Life we give them flow into their core and contain great potential to transform the recipient for good. The likelihood is high that a parent, a coach, a teacher, a boss, or some other important person has spoken Words of Life to us. Those words lifted us by creating beliefs that changed us. Over time, our actions reflected the beliefs that lodged in our core.

A very close friend in college challenged me to a life of excellence. I wasn't actively pursuing mediocrity, but the trend line certainly was headed in that direction. In many conversations, he encouraged me to set a higher bar for my life—that I, in fact, could and should become a person of extraordinary influence. At the time, I did not consciously adopt those beliefs, but my friend's Words of Life lodged deep into my core and began to influence many major decisions and actions. I had no conscious awareness his words would prove to be so consequential. My life simply took a very different trajectory from the one I previously set. What I also experienced at the time felt more like renewal. An ancient proverb says, “Trustworthy messengers refresh like snow in summer. They revive the spirit…”²

Under What Conditions Can We Give Words of Life?

Leaders transform those around them through intentional affirmation of another's core. How do we best convey Words of Life?

• We must have an intact core ourselves. When we give Words of Life, they must originate in our core. If the walls of our core are breached through arrogance or some other compromise, we cannot reach the core of another.
• We must be authentic. Our affirmation must be true.
• Our words must be carefully considered. An ancient proverb says, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”³ Words of Life reach deep because they are thoughtful. Words of Life are not throw away lines!
• We must use the right vocabulary—Words of Life draw from the well of character. The examples mentioned previously include integrity, courage, humility, judgment, authenticity, self-regulation, wisdom, candor, resilience, and influence.
• Words of Life are conveyed upon a foundation of trust between the giver and the receiver.
• Words of Life may be given spontaneously or planned, as long as they are thoughtful and sincere.
• Words of Life must be given when the receiver is the sole focus at the moment.

Words of Life are a precious gift for the receiver. They may set a person's life in a whole new direction, as in my case. They may simply strengthen the receiver for the next major challenge he or she faces. Regardless, this powerful form of affirmation makes people feel alive, perhaps more so than ever.

My wife tutored children at an inner-city school in Atlanta for several years. Her experience at the school later led her to start a non-profit organization aimed at solving big problems in our city, for example, education and the development of young children who grow up without many advantages, such as being able to read a good book. Jarius, the young boy she tutored in reading, was several grade levels behind, but that day Jarius experienced a breakthrough. Anne said, “Jarius, you've worked so hard for all these months and now you're reading so well, I have some good news—you've caught up!” His eyes suddenly became bright, a huge smile flashed across his face, and in the most exuberant voice imaginable, he said, “Yes, I can read! I can read! I can read!” They both had a good laugh and a good cry in celebration of his accomplishment. Anne gave Jarius Words of Life that day and like all the other remarkable graduates of his school, eight years later he went on to college.

It is our great and unique privilege to bring out the best in others by giving them Words of Life.