A few years ago, I spoke to a group of leaders who gathered in Izmir, Turkey, on the Aegean coast, a beautiful and archeologically rich area. Marc Antony and Cleopatra reportedly met for weekend getaways in nearby Ephesus. Because I was a speaker, my photograph appeared on some posters around the hotel to create awareness of my upcoming talks.

I'm allergic to dust, so I often leave a note for the housekeepers any time I stay for more than one night in a hotel. My note politely asks the housekeeper to leave the bedspread off the bed when the room is cleaned. I know it sounds a little particular, but bedspreads are magnets for dust; and, just between me and you, I don't like my imagination to get hold of what else might be on that bedspread from people sitting there, suitcases, and whatever else. So, I left my typical note to housekeeping: “Please leave the bedspread off the bed.” Problem solved.

That night, my wife, Anne, and I had dinner with three other couples attending the conference. As we chit chatted about everyone's day, one of the wives spoke up and asked, “Did they make up your room today? Our bedspread wasn't even put back on the bed.” Two others spoke up and said, “Weird, ours weren't, either.”

I suddenly realized that the housekeeping staff must have seen my photo and thought that I was one of the conference organizers. They somehow took my note as a request to leave the bedspreads off all the beds in our group! We booked over 400 rooms in the hotel, and later that evening, I learned that a supervisor directed all the housekeepers not to put bed spreads on any of our conferees' beds when they cleaned the rooms!

As Anne and I were getting ready for bed that night, I said, “Well, you probably had no idea how powerful and influential your husband is.” She said, “Actually, I just don't think they understand English!”

Fortunately, I have a very smart wife, who has a great sense of humor. She also knows when to rein in my eccentricities. “I like to think of myself as definitive—I'm clear about I want and communicate it appropriately.” She said, “No, you're just picky.”

We all have characteristics that define us. As I think about it, maybe I am a little picky. Whatever the characteristics of our style, we tend to act in fairly customary and predictable ways that people who know us or work with us come to expect. Have you ever noticed how some people can express a contrary thought in a conversation, and it benefits the discussion? Another person can express virtually the same contrary thought, but it feels adversarial and unhelpful. This is about style.

Affirmation must be thoughtfully guided to reach three dimensions in the human psyche.

If affirmation can powerfully influence another—a subordinate at work, a child, a student, a player on our team—how does it work? Affirmation must be thoughtfully directed to three dimensions in the human psyche, which makes any transformative influence we might exert with another person more effective. Affirmation varies according to the three dimensions or three faces shown in Figure 3.1.

1. Customary Style—those observable patterns that consistently characterize us. Our style determines how well others receive us and our ideas.
2. Competence—our skills, abilities, and knowledge behind effective actions. Our competencies determine what we are able to do.
3. Core—our inner person—the leader inside us. Our core determines who we are—our character.

Any leader who seeks to bring out the best in others affirms them in each of these three areas, but how and when varies significantly. Affirmation of our style and competence belong in the category of tactical influence. These dimensions are the ground level, daily, transactional initiatives we use to do our jobs. Leaders use affirmation day-to-day, week-to-week.

Affirming someone's core is strategic influence. By strategic, I mean far reaching, deeper, transformational, and overarching. Strategic influence potentially changes those we lead in their inner person. Leaders use affirmation less frequently and more opportunistically.

Figure 3.2 summarizes the differences between tactical and strategic influence.

As we established earlier in the book, affirmation comprises the best way to influence those we lead, but the content of the affirmation is quite different depending upon whether we affirm someone tactically or strategically. Great leaders create an intentional culture of affirmation using the appropriate content of tactical and strategic affirmation. This chapter considers the importance of tactical influence (affirmation of our style and competence). Chapter 4 describes strategic influence (affirmation of our core). A healthy, well-functioning organization (or a family or a team) needs both tactical and strategic influence. Both must be a part of the fabric of our organizational culture to bring out the best in those we lead.

How Do We Affirm the Style of Those We Seek to Influence?

A man who needed a job found an intriguing position listed on an organization's website, which read, “Must love animals and acting skills are a plus.” The man e-mailed his resume declaring his devotion to animals and touting his lead role in a high school drama club play. To his surprise, the hiring organization was the local zoo and called him immediately. The zoo's starring attraction, a gorilla, needed surgery. He would be in recovery for a number of weeks, so the zoo wanted to dress up a man in a gorilla suit to see if they could fool the public for a month or two while the real gorilla recuperated. The man needed work and took the job. When he put on the gorilla suit, it was passable if you didn't get too close.

To the man's surprise, he actually enjoyed the work. It was not too stressful, and he had many adoring fans. One day, an especially large crowd gathered in front of his cage, and the gorilla decided to become a bit more daring. He planned to swing from one trapeze hung above his cage, do a summersault in midair and grab the trapeze on the other side of the cage, just like the acrobats in the circus. Because he had never done anything like this before, he misjudged the distance and threw himself so far when he let go of the first trapeze that he actually went up into the air and over the wall of the adjacent cage.

To his horror, the gorilla/man landed in the lion's cage, and the huge lion was extremely agitated, running back and forth in his cage roaring and shaking his bushy head in protest. People screamed for the zoo official to intervene in what promised to be a real live Alien vs. Predator battle. Suddenly, the lion swung around and stalked directly toward the interloper. Just as the gorilla was about to scream for help, the lion leaned over and said, “Shut up you fool, or we'll both be fired!”

We all wear some kind of suit—a gorilla suit, a lion suit, a bear suit, a giraffe suit, or any number of other suits. The suit we wear is our customary style, which defines us in fairly consistent ways others come to expect. It's how we come across to others. “He's intense,” or “She's quiet.” “She's a bit brusque.” “His enthusiastic style is infectious.” “He is quirky.” “She's easy going.” One manager I work with has a “terminal case of certainty.” Never in doubt, he speaks with great authority even when there is no basis. His “I'm a great authority on all subjects” style is off-putting.

Style and Receptivity

Our style exerts a huge impact on how well we wear on others. Most importantly, it determines how others receive us and our ideas. For example, I tend to be a bit serious and introspective, so if I'm not careful, others can experience me as aloof or unfriendly. Nobody likes an aloof, unfriendly person, and, if I come across that way, it diminishes their receptivity to me. I'm generally a warm and caring person, but my serious style potentially obscures the warm side. I try to remind myself to smile at the people with whom I'm talking. Smiling helps that warmth break through, and ideally, makes others more receptive to me and my ideas. Self-awareness helps us leverage our positive attributes and mitigate those characteristics that potentially compromise our effectiveness.

Our style also wraps around our abilities and skills—our competencies—and substantially determines how effectively those abilities can be deployed. We all know of inventors or research scientists who cannot relate to others. These individuals may be brilliant, but their style works as an impediment to others' acceptance of them and their ideas.

Conversely, style facilitates receptivity. A person's style helps others to be receptive to his or her recommendations. Several weeks ago, I told a CEO that his style inspired confidence and hope about the growth plans of the company. His goals for growth are credible, but his style created optimism. He communicated the financial goals clearly—basically, information. The CEO's manner made his communication uplifting.

Think about four possible ways we might say, “No” to a subordinate who wants to pursue a new marketing initiative.

1. “This is a very creative, out-of-the-mainstream idea. We've been in a rut and really need this kind of breakout concept. My only question is whether the timing is quite right to put this in front of the executive team. I'll try to get a better read on when might be the optimal time to start socializing your idea. Let's keep this on low simmer for now—really appreciate your initiative and innovative thinking.”
2. “I'm not interested in pursuing that idea now—maybe in the fall.”
3. “You will have zero buy-in from anybody to pursue this.”
4. “Pursuing that idea is a complete waste of time, and it would never fly with the CEO.”

The action required in all four answers is essentially the same (postpone consideration), but the style is strikingly different (all four are real examples I've heard in meetings). My grandmother Goldie often said, “It's not what you say but how you say it.” Responses 2 to 4 need some work if we're interested in bringing out the best in others!

To affirm the style of those we lead, we must develop a vocabulary of style.

When someone affirms our style, it conveys recognition that it worked well in accomplishing a task, leading a team, or building a relationship. Alliance Feedback, the subject of Chapter 6, speaks to how we help someone whose style is out of alignment with their personal aspirations or the values and culture of the organization.

To make the idea of style practical and accessible, I provide four examples that I use in my work with senior executives. It is not critical that we have any model of customary style, but I provide this one as a point of reference. When we identify these characteristics in those we lead, there is great value in recognizing and affirming our follower's style, particularly when those distinctions add value and contribute to the success of our endeavor. To affirm the style of those we lead, we must develop a vocabulary of style. As in most areas of human behavior, our customary style contains a light and a dark side.

The four types of style—doer, advocate, idealist, and challenger—include characteristics that tend to wear well with others as well as those that interfere with effectiveness. Examples of affirming statements for each one are also included.

While no model describes others perfectly in every situation, we do have fairly consistent ways in which we work and relate to others. To bring out the best in others we must seek to affirm those qualities that help our followers maximize their effectiveness. Our style, or the “suit” we wear, plays a vital part in determining the effectiveness of our actions.

We can even see these tendencies early in our children's lives. Our sons both displayed characteristics in grade school and adolescence that are still quite observable in adulthood—certain fundamental aspects of their behavior, that we might think of as style. As they matured through college and young adulthood, their styles became even more distinctive and increasingly effective as a way of relating to others.

Leaders should affirm subordinates' style when it makes them skilled at their work. In chapters 6 and 10, we will see how a leader can draw the person into alignment when the darker side of their style diminishes their work performance.

Competence

Tactical affirmation also includes the competence, or the source of actions for good or bad in those we seek to influence. Affirming their competence provides us with the opportunity to bring out the best in those we seek to influence.

Recently, an accounting manager in a manufacturing company told me about how he had blown an interaction with his boss. It was an obvious failure of judgment—a vital competency in the workplace. The manager clumsily introduced a subject that had nothing to do with the stated purpose of their meeting. The feedback to his boss was poorly timed, and worse, his comments made his boss feel like he was questioning an important recommendation the boss made to the CEO of their company. The boss became quite irritated and was aloof and distant toward the subordinate for the next month or so.

Over breakfast, the accounting manager who acted imprudently and I debriefed the meeting. The boss tends to be insecure, thin-skinned, and defensive in general. The subordinate knew that and realized he had blown the opportunity to build the personal trust level with his boss. We talked about how he could get back in good standing, and he concluded that he needed to apologize for mishandling the communication. He recognized that his own need to get the un-planned topic off his chest clouded his judgment and precipitated his impulsive action. “I couldn't wait,” he said, “and impulsively waded into what I knew to be a volatile topic. In hindsight, I realized I could wait and should have waited until there were more favorable conditions.” It took several months of effort but there was finally a thaw in the relationship. I affirmed his persistence in repairing the relationship and his determination to learn from his mistake, but also, we focused on listening to the caution that he should have heeded in the first place.

A paraphrase of an ancient king says, Do you see someone skilled in their actions; he or she will end up at the top of the organization.¹ Our competencies, like judgment, make a huge impact on our success in work and in life. Praising the competence of anyone we seek to lead is vital.

The following examples describe a random assortment of important competencies:

• Clearly communicates the vision
• Builds a strong and healthy team
• Fosters strong ethical commitments among subordinates
• Manages conflict skillfully
• Develops a viable succession plan to fill key roles across the organization
• Initiates cross-functional collaboration with appropriate balance between inclusion and efficiency in decision-making
• Creates an intentional, well-planned development process for the organization's emerging leaders
• Fosters a culture of work/life balance consistent with the organization's stated values
• Builds a healthy and uplifting culture
• Creates alignment on the team with goal clarity
• Takes personal responsibility for the organization's performance
• Builds trust in your critical relationships
• Makes timely decisions
• Fosters innovation
• Monitors key metrics
• Listens to input from peers
• Avoids political missteps
• Collaborates cross-functionally
• Hires strong contributors
• Continually learns and grows
• Motivates team members
• Manages ambiguity

Competencies like the ones above provide the foundation for what we are able to do. Like style, affirmation of the competencies our subordinates employed in their work provides a platform for influence. A number of CEOs I interviewed in connection with this book spoke with me about how to affirm the work of our subordinates. These recommendations are summarized in the following five guidelines for effective affirmation and include some examples.

1. Show appreciation for the competencies underneath the actions. Much of performance feedback in organizations concerns specific accomplishments. “The financial metrics look great.” “You reached your sales goal.” “You grew the EBITDA 5 percent over last quarter.” “The new sales analyst you hired is an excellent fit with the job and our team.” While noting specific accomplishments should be done, the competencies underneath the accomplishments should also be strongly affirmed. “You built a strong sales team, which is performing at the highest levels. The numbers are a result of your hard work in leading your team to collaborate with other departments to better serve our clients.”
2. CEOs recommended accomplishments be affirmed but also kept in context—why it mattered at the time. “The board believes we must complement our strong performance in the high-end market with some mid-tier products. The brand analysis your team completed recently actually made the case the board needed to move into that market. Our CEO leveraged your data to justify the investment. Your excellent research and the compelling way you presented it helped accelerate this step by, at least, 18 months.”
3. Affirmation must be timely—real time. “I heard from the West Coast office this afternoon. They said your implementation of the new systems went so smoothly, the team is in disbelief. Everyone thought the sales/operations divide would torpedo the effort. They're all happy and so are we!”
4. Trust must precede feedback particularly if the feedback is contrary. “Normally, you handle conflict extremely well. I understand the meeting with operations went off on a tangent and people got pretty frustrated. You know that I trust your handling of these things—I've been abundantly clear about that. I think you and operations should take another run at the impasse by the end of the week. You and Joe might set up some guardrails to keep the meeting on track next time.”
5. Affirmation must emanate from an authentic place when feedback is given. “We disagreed on whether the market was ready for this type of investment product. I had serious doubts about it. You honored my reservations and gave more than ample attention to my concerns. You have a backlog of trust with me, and how you approached this continues to foster trust. Even though I'm still a bit queasy about the risks, I want you to proceed. I'm cheering for you and will do anything I can to help this effort succeed.”

Affirming the competence of a subordinate creates a powerful opportunity for influence. John Pepper tells the story of when he made a huge mistake. He invested in a new product at P&G that his boss thought was a poor bet. It was. John went in to his boss's office knowing fully that he would be fired. He'd lost millions of dollars on a new product that nobody wanted. He told his boss about expecting to be fired, and his boss fired back, “Fired, what do you mean? We just invested $10 million in your training program.” A number of years later, Pepper became CEO of P&G. Imagine the affirmation Pepper received in that experience. “Yes, you did a really bone-headed thing in creating that terrible product, but we value your abilities and even risk taking.” He also learned some humility.

Why Affirm

We must never lose sight of the why of affirmation. It is the way to influence others and bring out the best in them. We start with the premise that people want to do a great job. They want to be successful. When that premise is in doubt, we may have the wrong person in the job. While this book addresses mainly organizational topics, the principles apply much more broadly.

A coach might say to a player, “You played a great game and kept their left tackle out of our backfield all night.” A teacher might say, “You worked hard this year and demonstrated an excellent grasp of AB level calculus. I want you to be in AP math next fall.” A parent might say, “I'm really proud of you for being so organized. You're getting all your school assignments completed on time. Way to go!”

Affirmation implants beliefs into the core of those we want to influence, as we discussed in Chapter 2. These beliefs form a set of expectations. When a boss affirms a worker's style or competence, he or she grows in the conviction, “I am competent. I can do this.” When new or more challenging circumstances arise, the affirmed person acts in concert with these beliefs.

Regrettably, the converse is true. Imagine a child who's been diminished by a critical parent over a long period of time. We can only imagine the beliefs formed in her core. “I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I can't get along with others.” When I was a child, a popular girl a few years older than me frequently called me “Dummy.” Why I even cared what she thought is beyond me, but I didn't have the self-confidence to ignore her. It took me a long time to replace that belief and begin to see that I could excel in school and in life. We have the privilege of strengthening those around us and implanting positive, uplifting beliefs in their cores. That's how we can have extraordinary influence!

Chapter 4 speaks to the most powerful type of affirmation. It is truly transformational.