CHAPTER 
Enroll and Engage Others
Forge your emotional agility strategy with others: enroll, align, and engage even the most challenging types to help you create the needed change.
Figure 7.1 The Resilience Cycle: Enroll and Engage Others
PROBLEM
A midsized financial services organization had a challenge: the leadership team was deeply disconnected. This was because the CEO had an inner circle whose members had special privileges yet didn’t perform to agreed-upon targets, whereas the “other” leaders scrambled to accommodate the CEO’s “strategy of the second” (which often changed day to day). Since the strategy changes were disclosed in advance only to his inner circle, the other leaders had to quickly pivot, which confused and frustrated their teams—and resulted in tons of wasted time. The only people with visibility were the CEO and his inner circle. Everyone else was in the dark.
The team members as well as the “other” leaders were constantly on high alert. They lived in firefighting mode, and they were dealing with constantly changing plans—the CEO’s strategies were revealed to the “outside” group in only small fragments, and with great urgency.
Many team members were running around like their hair was on fire, arms in the air, while shaking their heads and murmuring, “I don’t believe this! Again?” Others were just in shock and disbelief: “Whoa! We’re doing that? I never knew that! I wouldn’t have spent $X on such and such if I had known we were going to be shifting our focus away.”
The result was high distrust between the “in” and “out” groups. And since so many fires had to be put out regularly, the team wasn’t focused on what they should’ve been: key performance indicators. Operational efficiency and effectiveness were at an all-time low, key players were job hunting, profitability was plunging, and a lot of redundant work was being done.
PROMISE
Does that problem sound familiar? Have you had disconnected team members in key roles as a result of poor communication? Have you had “special ones” who were in the loop while everyone else was scrambling to understand the organization’s goals?
When situations like this arise, it’s key to stop, take a temperature check, find out where the infection is, and get some good medicine to the patient to bring about a rapid recovery.
And that’s what we did. A Safety, Belonging, and Mattering (SBM) Index was just what the doctor ordered. The SBM Index is a swift and effective diagnostic tool to gauge employee engagement and diagnose cultural disconnects. First, we had to find out exactly where the trouble was at the departmental level and then exactly what the key issues were. Once we were clear on the cures needed, we helped the client put key cultural programs in place while we taught all the leaders Meta Programs so that they could communicate in the language of a given recipient. This would help the communication “land”—that is, it would help the communication be received swiftly and accurately—because the leader was speaking in the communication recipient’s “language.” In addition, we coached the CEO on SBM Communication, expanding the “in” group to include all those who needed to be involved and, of course, holding everyone to the same performance standard to foster a culture of fairness.
RESULT
Fast-forward six months: the CEO was no longer playing favorites, the leaders were all aligned, and their direct reports understood what the goals were and how to achieve them. Now they knew who was craving what (safety, belonging, and/or mattering), how to give it to them, and how to boost performance and engagement.
As you know very well by now, whenever you’re in a growth or change scenario, chances are your team will be in Critter State sometimes. Often, as leaders, you are focusing so intensely on growth that you can miss that your team’s emotional experience is suffering. The SBM Index is a fantastic way to find out what people are feeling and keep your finger on the pulse of each department and the organization overall, and the Meta Programs can then help you communicate in a way that connects.
SAFETY, BELONGING, AND MATTERING: GIVE YOUR TRIBE WHAT THEY CRAVE
As we discussed in Chapter 2, to become resilient and shift to our Smart State, we must have safety, belonging, and mattering. But how do you know who needs what and when? We use three main tools to find out: (1) the SBM Behavior Decoder and (2) the corresponding SBM Communication tools for individuals and (3) the SBM Index for the entire organization.
Tool: SBM Behavior Decoder
Very often you don’t even have to ask if a team member needs safety, belonging, or mattering. His or her behavior says it all. Table 7.1 is an SBM Behavior Decoder that might help you give them what they need to shift to their Smart State.
TABLE 7.1 SBM Behavior Decoder
If people are in their Critter State and craving safety, they’ll take safety away from others. They need their outside world to match their inside world. This could manifest in the workplace as someone spreading gossip, rumors, or fear in general.
If people are in their Critter State and craving belonging, they’ll isolate, withhold information, or form silos—they will essentially “leave the tribe.” They feel they don’t belong, so they’ll make sure that they don’t behave accordingly, so the outside world reflects their inside experience.
If people are in their Critter State and craving mattering, they’ll take mattering away from others via condescending behavior and making people feel small. They don’t matter, so they make sure that others don’t either. Then the world will make sense.
When we give people what they crave, their critter brain calms down, and we can guide them into their Smart State. This is where true rapport, connection, alignment, enrollment, and engagement live. Oh—and high performance, collaboration, and sustainability are the results! Remember, safety + belonging + mattering = trust.
Tool: SBM Communication
Once we identify what others need (safety, belonging, and/or mattering), we can provide it remarkably quickly with the right words.
Giving Others What They Crave
Let’s say people are craving safety. You know this because they often talk about not feeling safe, and when they are in their Critter State, they take safety away (misery loves company) and instill fear in others. Here’s some wording that validates their feelings and could even talk them “off the ledge”: “You are doing everything correctly. Thanks for stretching! I’ve got your back. Reach out to me if I can provide any clarity, brainstorming, or support of any kind.” With communication like that, the critter brain (our fight/flight/freeze/faint response) says, “Ahhhhhh.” Now the risk-averse or fearful people can rise up, take more risks, innovate better, and collaborate better. You’re helping them shift into their Smart State and feel safe.
What if people crave belonging and want to feel like they are part of a group and know they have equal value? First, look at how they act in the Critter State—most likely, they are isolating themselves and/or forming silos and divisions within the larger group. Here’s some belonging messaging: “I’m so glad you’re on the team. It’s great to have you here. Who could you bring into the loop or mentor to help them succeed too and to expand our tribe?” You’re giving them the experience of belonging and helping them spread it to others.
If people crave mattering, they want to feel appreciated, and they want to feel like they are making a difference. When they are in their Critter State, they take mattering away—they make people feel small and invisible and/or unimportant. Here’s some messaging: “You’re my top pick to run this project. I totally trust and appreciate you and your contributions and gifts. How can I help you shine?” You’re showing them they matter and that you appreciate their talents.
How to Ask Someone to Give You What You Crave
Now, rather than focusing on giving others what they crave, what if you want to clearly communicate what you’re craving? Here are three examples of how you can do that:
Safety: “I want to be the best [executive/leader/partner] I can be. Could you help me create structures, techniques, or processes to foster innovation, encourage safe and sane risk taking, and meet intellectual challenges? I think this could really help us grow and stretch.”
Belonging: “I want to be the best [executive/leader/partner] I can be. Could you brainstorm some ideas with me to create opportunities to bring people together, to form teams, and help them perform at their peak? I would love to contribute in this way.”
Mattering: “I want to be the best [executive/leader/partner] I can be. Could you let me know when you’re happy with my [work/contributions] and what specifically you like? This will help me do more of what matters to you and the organization.”
Every employee, every family member, can be happier and more effective if you simply identify which of these three needs are programmed into their subconscious so powerfully that they literally crave them. Which do you crave? Which do the most important people in your life crave?
Influencing Phrases
Here are four Influencing Phrases that are especially helpful when people are in their Critter State and we want to help them feel safe enough to shift out of it:
1. “What if . . .?” When you use this preface to an idea or suggestion, you remove ego and reduce emotion. You’re curious—not forcing a position but rather, scratching your head and pondering. This enables people to brainstorm more easily with you.
2. “I need your help with . . . .” We call this a dom-sub swap because when the dominant people use it, they are enrolling the subordinate people and asking them to rise up and swap roles. This is an especially effective phrase when you want people to change their behavior or take on more responsibility.
3. “Would it be helpful if . . . ?” When people are stuck in their Critter State and spinning or unable to move forward, offering a solution will help them see a possible course of action or positive outcome. This question requires them to assess whether your suggestion is indeed helpful or not—which engages their prefrontal cortex and shifts them into their Smart State.
4. “Can you help me understand . . . ?” Sometimes we don’t understand the logic path or pitch people are making or even what it is that they want. This phrase helps us gain clarity with a humble, nonconfrontational request. Heck, we could be totally missing their point, so it is best to seek clarity without making any judgments.
Do you see how all four reinforce safety, belonging, and mattering?
Tool: SBM Index
Now that you can more easily recognize and provide SBM to individuals, what is the SBM level of your tribe as a whole? Let’s find out with the SBM Index.
The SBM Index is a survey asking respondents how much they agree with 10 statements: 3 on safety, 3 on belonging, 3 on mattering, plus an additional Net Promoter Score (NPS)-like question—because it’s really helpful to know if your tribe would recommend working at your organization to their friends. Additional comments are always helpful too.
SBM Index Survey Questions
Following the scale below are our recommended statements for the SBM Index. Consider which ones work best for your culture and feel free to edit them as you see fit—just keep them in groups of safety, belonging, and mattering to extract the benefit of this tool.
Each answer is equivalent to a certain number of points. The highest possible number of points for a given question is 10. It’s much easier to have an employee engagement score that is numerical and on a scale of 0 to 100 because people can readily translate those scores into A, B, or C grades, which they can then easily understand and work with. Here is a sample scale for each question in the SBM Index:
Never = 0
Rarely = 2.5
Somewhat consistently = 5
Consistently = 7.5
Always = 10
And here are the SBM Index statements:
1. It’s safe to try new approaches, to innovate, to be vulnerable, and to share my ideas at work.
Comments:
2. When I make a mistake, I am corrected with respect and the desire to help me improve.
Comments:
3. I have the tools and resources necessary to perform my work to my best ability.
Comments:
4. I understand the expectations of me and my performance.
Comments:
5. I trust my team members and colleagues to support my success and the organization’s success.
Comments:
6. I am motivated by and find meaning in the organization’s mission, vision, and values.
Comments:
7. I receive acknowledgment and appreciation at work.
Comments:
8. I have a career development path that the organization supports me in.
Comments:
9. I feel I matter to the organization—I am making a difference here.
Comments:
10. Would you refer your friends to work at [organization]?
Comments:
Be sure to have a comments section for each statement. It’s where some of the biggest nuggets of gold will show up—and the harshest feedback. That’s OK because you need to know this. Beware of survey fatigue too, which dilutes results. We recommend that surveys have a maximum of 10 items and that the surveys be given at well-spaced intervals so that people don’t feel that they are being asked to complete them too often.
Also, be sure to send an SBM-rich e-mail when asking people to take the SBM Index survey, and send another e-mail afterward to thank them, to share what you learned from the survey and what you intend to change.
Presenting the Results
Once you get the results, it’s essential to present the SBM Index data in a format the leadership team can easily understand. We recommend a heat map approach. A heat map presents the numbers with color coding so that it’s very clear where leaders need to focus and where everything is OK.
Table 7.2 is an example from the first SBM Index we did (although in the table we have used different scales of gray rather than color coding) with the financial services organization I mentioned at the beginning of the chapter.
TABLE 7.2 An Example of an SBM Index Report
Would we have had a more accurate read on the state of the organization if we had incorporated more department-level, as opposed to company-wide, survey participation? Absolutely. But this was the best we could get, so we got to work. In Chapter 8 you’ll see the initial programs we put in place. Once the programs were generating results, we achieved greater survey uptake on our next round because people felt safe to provide feedback.
In presenting your results, we suggest sorting all the comments per department. You’ll be able to do this because you’ll have a unique survey link for each department. Be sure to see the SBM Index resource for this chapter—it’ll help you implement yours optimally.
Most of our clients send out an SBM Index questionnaire every six to nine months. In the interim, they launch programs to address the top issues from the prior SBM Index. Make sure you have enough time to create the programs and have them in place for a while so that you will be able to see improvement before you launch your next SBM Index.
Once you complete your own SBM Index, you’ll be able to apply the tools and programs described in Chapter 8 to increase your tribe’s SBM Index scores.
META PROGRAMS: HOW TO INFLUENCE ANYONE, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE
Even though using words to communicate SBM to your tribe is a great start, if you truly want to enroll and engage your tribe in creating the outcomes you want, you need to go deeper than words.
How many times have you tried to influence, enroll, or engage someone in the past two weeks? How many times were you successful?
People misunderstand one another daily. Why? Because we are speaking different languages—and I’m not talking about Spanish and English or another combo. We’re speaking different languages at a subterranean, subconscious, primal level. Everyone deletes, distorts, and generalizes information about the environment differently. Therefore, every human being has his or her own unique map of the world. His or her map is created based on the environment in which he or she was raised and many other factors (Figure 7.2). As a result, we are all, essentially, speaking different languages. And this is how misunderstandings occur.
Figure 7.2 The Influences on Each Individual’s Unique Map of the World
Leaders need to be able to influence outcomes. Good intentions are rarely assumed, people are on the lookout for manipulative tactics, and even subtle persuasion efforts are suspect. Real influence is about forging deep connections quickly, stepping into someone’s world authentically, and striving for consistent win-win outcomes. It means creating an experience of “same as.”
Safe = “Same As”
As human beings, we all need to feel that others are similar to (“same as”) us in order to feel we belong together and can move forward together.1
We are always scanning our world to see if we belong. Did we get invited to something? Did we get a good table at the restaurant? Are my colleagues at the water fountain talking about me?
The rules of belonging are often implicit—and often change. This is one reason why powerful, consistently honored, and frequently communicated mission, vision, and values are so key—they help us understand how we belong in the tribe. (We’ll talk more about this in Chapter 8.) Again, if we belong, we are safe—and we matter.
To deeply influence, enroll, and engage our tribe, we need to help tribe members feel that they belong, that they have the experience of “same as.” But how do we accomplish that if we don’t even speak the same language—even when we think we do? That’s where Meta Programs come in.
Tool: Meta Programs
Meta Programs are one of the most potent neuroscience techniques we teach because they enable us to most deeply see someone else’s map of the world. Meta Programs were discovered by Leslie Cameron-Bandler in the 1980s and expanded by Rodger Bailey.2 The advertising industry has been using them ever since.
Meta Programs are the filters through which we see the world—that is, the ways our brains process the world and determine how we react to it. When we speak to people using their Meta Programs, they not only hear what we’re saying but they also feel they belong with us, that we are the “same as” they are.
When you understand people’s Meta Programs, you understand how they experience the world, what motivates them, how their identity is structured, and what some of their beliefs are. It’s work learning them, but it’s well worth it if you want deeper rapport with others and deeper connection and fulfillment in your human interactions. Meta Programs enable you to take safety, belonging, and mattering to a whole new level. If personality tests are equivalent to the third floor of a building, Meta Programs are the subbasement. These are deep, embedded “programs” of who you are and how you interact with the world, information, and decisions. Meta Programs support the structure of a person’s identity and belief system, which is far deeper than his or her personality.
Because Meta Programs allow you to gain access to a person’s emotional brain and establish deep subconscious rapport, they can be powerfully persuasive. That’s why we use Meta Programs only for good and not evil. We use them to understand, enroll, engage, and align—not to control, dominate, or manipulate. It’s all about intention. What is your intention when you communicate with someone?
The Six Primary Meta Programs
There are many Meta Programs—about 60—according to Leslie Cameron-Bandler, and if you want a super deep dive into Meta Programs, check out Shelle Rose Charvet’s book Words That Change Minds. Think of each Meta Program as a color and each person as a unique artwork formed by the combination of those colors. Here are the six Meta Programs our clients find most impactful:
1. Direction: Toward-Away. Are you motivated to go toward a goal or away from pain? Think salesperson versus accountant: what criteria do they assess situations with?
2. Reason: Options-Procedures. Do you like to have many options and choices, or do you prefer a proven step-by-step process? What feels right to you?
3. Scope: General-Specific. Do you feel comfortable with a high-level overview, or do you want specific details? When describing something, do you start with the details or the summary?
4. Orientation: Active-Reflective. Do you use short sentence structures and high action, or do you want to think about things first, using longer sentence structures with many clauses?
5. Source: Internal-External. How do you know you’ve done a good job? Through external feedback or internal monitoring?
6. Motivation: Sameness-Difference. What’s your tolerance for change? Do you like things to stay the same, to stay the same but with the hassles removed and more good stuff added, or to change really often or completely?
Just like safety, belonging, and mattering, Meta Programs are contextual, meaning that you may have one set of Meta Programs in the context of work, another set when it comes to money, and yet another for romantic love—although we generally have a set for how we approach life overall. Meta Programs also operate on a range: we don’t usually fall all the way to one extreme or the other.
Meta Programs are equally useful whether the person you’re addressing is a team member, a board member, a sales prospect, a client, your mother-in-law, your teenager, or the recipient of a marketing message. Speaking to people using their Meta Programs ensures profound rapport, builds connection and trust, and leads to outcomes that are better for everyone.
With regard to Meta Programs, we can ask people specific questions, observe their responses, and elicit their specific Meta Programming to determine how those people will behave in life and business.
Now let’s look at each category in more detail so that you can begin to decode the Meta Programs of those in your own tribe. For more details about each of these Meta Programs, as well as two more Meta Programs that are essential in sales and marketing scenarios, see www.PowerYourTribe.com.
Direction: Toward-Away
Here’s the approximate distribution of this Meta Program in the U.S. workforce:
Decoder Question: To find out whether people are Toward or Away, ask, “What do you want in your work [or something else important to them]?” (Table 7.3). Keep asking questions such as “What else do you want?” or “What else is important?” Notice what descriptor words they use. Do they want to achieve or attain, or do they want to prevent disaster or solve problems, or do they want to hold down the fort? Be sure to keep a written running score so that your own Meta Programs don’t filter what you hear. If you have an extreme bias, you may hear one mention of the other pole as extreme when actually the person is middle-of-the-road.
TABLE 7.3 Toward-Away Meta Program Table
Reason: Options-Procedures
Here’s the approximate distribution of this Meta Program in the U.S. workforce:
Decoder Question: To find out whether a person is Options or Procedures, ask, “Why did you choose your current [work/job/car]?” (Table 7.4). An Options person will respond with her criteria or a list of features or traits—for example, for a car: “It gets great gas mileage, it’s black, and it’s fast.” A Procedures person will respond with a story that details a process through which the car was the end point: “Well, you know, it’s a funny thing. My old car was breaking down all the time, and my aunt Sue was visiting, and . . . ,” and then a story will unfold with a series of steps leading ultimately to the purchase of the car.
TABLE 7.4 Options-Procedures Meta Program Table
Scope: General-Specific
Here’s the approximate distribution of this Meta Program in the U.S. workforce:
Decoder Question: To find out whether people are General or Specific, ask questions like “How do you brainstorm challenges at work?” or “How do you solve problems?” or “Describe your weekend” or “What do you do for fun?” (Table 7.5). Notice which influential words they use and notice if they start with specific details or with an overall summary statement.
TABLE 7.5 General-Specific Meta Program Table
Orientation: Active-Reflective
Here’s the approximate distribution of this Meta Program in the U.S. workforce:
Decoder Question: To find out whether people are Active or Reflective, ask questions such as “How do you discover opportunities or challenges?” or “When do you know when your attention is needed?” or “How do you learn new things?” (Table 7.6). Listen for action versus analysis.
TABLE 7.6 Active-Reflective Meta Program Table
Source: Internal-External
Here’s the approximate distribution of this Meta Program in the U.S. workforce:
Decoder Question: To find out whether people are Internal or External, ask, “How do you know you’ve done a good job?” (Table 7.7). Internal people will know because of something—often a feeling—inside themselves. Answers will often be something like “I just know.” External people will refer to other people’s opinions, quotes, or testimonials, facts and figures, recent promotions, or other forms of public recognition.
TABLE 7.7 Internal-External Meta Program Table
Motivation: Sameness-Difference
This Meta Program has a wide range, from Sameness through Difference with identifiable sorts in between. It is essentially about how people tolerate change.
Sameness people like change about every 25 years. Difference people will prompt change every six months to 2 years. In this case change does not mean the Difference people leave, but they do have to recommit.
In the middle of this range is Sameness with Exception, which is where most American workers fall (change every five to seven years: the famous “seven-year itch”). This Meta Program has some change tolerance as long as it makes sense—for example, they are fine with Coca-Cola Zero because it is good old Coke with the calories removed. If consistency is provided and extra good things are added or annoying things are removed, the Sameness with Exception people will thrive. This is why we coach leaders to use the words growth, progress, and evolution as opposed to change. Change can hurl us into our critter brain, whereas growth messaging puts us in our prefrontal cortex, where we want to solve puzzles, have visions, and be creative.
The most unusual iteration is Sameness with Exception and Difference. These people want some consistency with the occasional revolution—a rare combo. On average they like change every three to five years, with five to seven years in some contexts and up to two years in others.
Here’s the approximate distribution of this Meta Program in the U.S. workforce:
Decoder Question: To find out where a person is on the range of Sameness to Difference, ask (and the wording in this one is very important), “What is the relationship between your work this year and last year?” (Table 7.8). Most people will look at you blankly and ask you to explain the question. Don’t explain it. Just ask them to answer as best they can, and repeat the question verbatim. Sameness people will look for all the things that are the same even if they moved from accounting to sales, changed companies, and physically moved to a different state. “Well, I’m still working with numbers and doing calculations.” Difference people will tell you everything is completely different even if the only change was to move to the next cubicle: “Oh, my gosh, it’s a completely different view!”
As I mentioned, safety, belonging, and mattering Meta Programs are contextual. Table 7.9 illustrates this concept. Note: The “SBM Trigger” refers to simply what people crave most: safety, belonging, mattering, or a combination.
TABLE 7.8 Sameness-Difference Meta Program Table
TABLE 7.9 Safety, Belonging, and Mattering and Meta Programs in Context
How do we use Meta Programs? They’re best used at turning points, such as when we are working on the following:
• Recruiting or interviewing
• Resolving conflict
• Creating alignment and engagement
• Increasing motivation or leadership
• Getting others out of Critter State
• Giving sensitive performance feedback
• Engaging in sales conversations and marketing messaging
Meta Programs are so sophisticated that most people find it beneficial to review multiple examples and practical exercises to reinforce their understanding. The more you practice these techniques, the more your communication and influence will improve.
Meta Program Objective: Effective Team Communication
Using Meta Programs in messaging can be a powerfully effective way to create emotional agility in both parties. Here’s the process we teach clients when crafting powerful communications:
1. Determine the Meta Programs of the people you want to influence. (See the Decoder Questions in the discussion following the heading “The Six Primary Meta Programs” earlier in the chapter.)
2. What do they want most: safety, belonging, or mattering? (See the Safety, Belonging, and Mattering Behavior Decoder in Table 7.1.)
3. What behavior would you like to create in them or change?
4. If the context for your message is leadership, you’ll want to consider using an Influencing Phrase (as also given earlier in the chapter):
• “I need your help.” Powerfully enrolling. The dominant person becomes small; the subordinate person becomes big.
• “What if . . . ?” Engages the other party and helps make it his or her idea.
• “Would it be helpful if . . . ?” Helps shift someone from Critter State to Smart State and activates problem-solving functions of prefrontal cortex.
• “Can you help me understand . . . ?” Helps you get more clarity without judgment.
5. Craft message.
Here are a few client scenarios where understanding and speaking in the recipients’ Meta Programs yielded terrific results.
You’ll note that we differentiate between the Influencer, the person delivering the message, and the Influencee, the person receiving the message, according to both their Meta Programs (MP Profile) and what they most crave (SBM Trigger).
If you already have rapport and basic trust with the Influencee, you’ll likely achieve success with one to three Meta Program messages. If there is no rapport—or worse, there is disconnection, anger, or distrust—you’ll need five or more messages. The first few will be to simply get you on their map, and then you’ll have a chance to enroll them.
Ideally, you’ll have three phrases or words that activate their SBM Triggers. For example, if the Influencees crave mattering, to activate their sense of mattering, you may want to say (1) you see them as a thought leader or key player, (2) you need their help, and (3) you want to know what they think.
Scenario 1. Partner at Law Practice Wants Protégé to Lead More Proactively
Tom, a partner at a major Los Angeles–based law firm, wants his protégé Thad to step up. In a coaching session, Tom let me know he needed help with Thad pronto. First, we did a quick Outcome Frame:
1. What would you like? (outcome)
Instill a greater sense of urgency in Thad; get him to own projects more fully.
2. What will having that do for you? (benefit)
Less stress, less to follow up on; Thad develops faster; clients get better results and responses.
3. How will you know when you have it? (proof)
Thad proactively crafts and communicates his plan and timeline, and he owns checking in regarding status—fully taking charge of projects and leading them all the way through.
4. What of value might you risk or lose? What side effects may occur? (what you will have to let go of)
Will have to let go of some control; will have to resist temptation to dive in and fix things; will have to give Thad more frequent feedback in the beginning.
5. What are your next steps?
Lay out timeline for change and Thad’s specific additional responsibilities; define success; meet with Thad to hand off work and to set up regular check-in and course-correction meetings.
Then we crafted the following message together, taking into account Tom and Thad’s MP Profiles and SBM Triggers and using influencing language:
MP Profile and SBM Trigger of Tom (the Influencer): Away, Procedures, General-Specific, Active, Belonging.
MP Profile and SBM Trigger of Thad (the Influencee): Away, Procedures, Specific, Reflective, Mattering.
Influencing Language Message
“I need your help [Influencing Phrase for becoming subordinate and letting Thad become “bigger” emotionally and feel more powerful]. Thanks to you [Mattering] we solved some key problems [Away] that enabled us to rock last quarter [Mattering]. I’ve been thinking about [Reflective] how we can improve our process [Procedures] even more.
“What if [Influencing Phrase to propose idea without ego or emotion and to hand off ownership] we were to create a specific process [Specific, Procedures] for crafting client project plans and timelines, communicating status regularly, and driving projects [Specific, Reflective] to completion?
“I think you’re the exact guy to own this challenge [Mattering, Away]. What do you think? [Reflective] Could you sketch out a draft plan [Procedures, Specific] for me by ____ [date] at __ [time]?” [Always have a deadline for a Reflective person!]
Outcome: With this one message, delivered in person and then repeated in summary form in an e-mail, Tom got the result he wanted: Thad stepped up, and Tom got 10 more hours per week to focus on strategic work.
Scenario 2. Help Two Peers Collaborate More Effectively
Lee needed to help her two direct reports Greg and Chan understand how they were clashing, take responsibility for their behaviors, and shift to a more positive state. Greg was the night leader for the factory and had a smaller team than Chan. He would leave work incomplete at the end of his shift and expect Chan’s team to finish it. Chan would complain to Lee that Greg was dropping the ball and that his team had to pick up Greg’s team’s slack. Both were in victim mode with each other, and Chan also slid into rescue mode by doing Greg’s work. Chan felt Greg was persecuting him; Greg saw the excessive workload as the persecutor. In a coaching session, we mapped out a plan as well as some Meta Program–based messages.
Step 1 of our plan was for Lee to meet separately with Greg and Chan and help them shift from focusing on the problem and instead focus on the outcome they wanted to create. She had each do an Outcome Frame. She then helped them understand the roles each had been playing (victim, rescuer, and persecutor).3
Step 2 was to craft and deliver individual messages to Greg and Chan. She began with Greg:
MP Profile and SBM Trigger of Greg (the Influencee): Toward, Active, Procedures, Specific, Mattering, Belonging.
Behavior to Inspire or Change: Collaborate with Chan and his team and see that it’s his job to elevate and cultivate others.
Influencing Language Message
“Thanks for your insights [Mattering] on the opportunity we have [Toward] with connecting our night and day teams [Active, Belonging, Specific]. What if [Influencing Phrase to propose idea without ego or emotion and hand off ownership] we were to create a plan [Active, Procedures] for our teams to collaborate [Belonging] more effectively [Mattering]?
“Would it be helpful if [Influencing Phrase to stimulate idea generation, move a person into his or her Smart State] we met for an hour [Active, Belonging, Specific] on ____ [date and time] [Specific] to brainstorm how to set clear expectations and communication between the two teams [Active, Belonging, Mattering, Specific]? I know we can make a positive difference here [Active, Belonging, Mattering].”
Then she met with Chan, the day manager who had a larger team, and she repeated the process. He was the more junior of the two leaders and had really stepped up recently:
MP Profile and SBM Trigger of Chan (the Influencee): Away, Reflective, Options, General, Safety, Belonging.
Behavior to Inspire or Change: Collaborate with Greg and his team and solve the problem.
Influencing Language Message
“I need your help [Influencing Phrase for becoming subordinate and letting Chan become “bigger” emotionally and to feel more powerful]. I’ve been thinking about the issues [Reflective, General, Away, Safety] we’re having between the day and night teams and the stress they are causing [Belonging, Safety, Away].
“Can you help me understand [Influencing Phrase to get clarity without judgment or accusation] what choices [Options] we have to bring the teams together [belonging], to bring more stability [Safety] to their relationship [Belonging]? I’d love to hear your ideas [Options, Away, Reflective] on how we can work better together [General, Belonging, Away, Safety].”
Outcome: Thanks to Lee’s perseverance and Greg’s and Chan’s dedication to organization, the above messages worked really well. Greg and Chan actually formed a team and developed new standards for communication, expectation setting, and performance goals, and both teams see themselves now as one. The quality, follow-through, and finger-pointing problems they used to have are now a distant memory.
Meta Programs Objective: Hire the Right Fit for the Role
Meta Programs can also be extremely useful when recruiting and planning your organizational chart. Here are two examples for using this tool to increase emotional agility in these roles.
Consider the following interview questions in your recruiting process. These are self-revealing questions to find out who the person truly is. You will, of course, have your own specific skills-based questions (and if you don’t, we have some in the SmartTribes Playbook at www.SmartTribesInstitute.com/stp).
Scenario 1. Hire Executive Assistant
One of our clients had a dreadful time finding the right executive assistant (EA) for the super-Active, Options, Toward, External CEO. After four failed attempts, we insisted they let us help! In a coaching session with the CEO and VP of operations, we hashed out the following MP Profile and SBM Trigger that would work best for the role:
Away: This role was about solving or preventing problems and ensuring that the CEO’s time was managed optimally.
Procedures: The organization had a number of standard operating procedures (SOPs) that worked well—as long as they were utilized.
Specific: This role was all about the details. Tons of details, details that changed, details that we didn’t even know we needed. Specificity was essential.
Reflective: It was essential that the EA thought through matters carefully and paid attention to due diligence matters before taking action because there were many potential repercussions from any actions taken by the CEO.
Belonging: This role needed to want to belong with the CEO, to understand what it was like to be the CEO, to empathize and “walk a mile in his or her shoes.” This would ensure that the CEO was cared for appropriately and that the EA and CEO were a tight-knit team.
Scenario 2. Hire Salesperson
For sales roles, our clients often find that an SBM Trigger of belonging or mattering, combined with the Meta Programs of Toward, Active, and External, contributes significantly to salespeople’s success. Note that the Meta Program combo of Away, Reflective, and Procedures can be indicators that candidates could be terrific at account management or client care—so if they click with your organization’s values but don’t fit the sales profile, it’s worth it to consider them for other client-facing roles.
To Discover the SBM Trigger of Your Candidate
Ask: What is most important to you at work? Please list in order of importance:
• You’re in a team that has a plan, and people have your back. (safety)
• You’re part of the team, and you have equal value to others. (belonging)
• You’re acknowledged and appreciated for your unique contributions, and you are making a difference. (mattering)
To Discover the Meta Program Profile of Your Candidate
Ask: What do you enjoy most at work? What makes work fulfilling? Why?
• Listen for achieving goals and accomplishment [Toward] or solving problems and mitigating risk [Away].
Ask: Think of a recent large purchase (such as a car or a home) or a big decision you made recently. Why did you choose the specific item you chose?
• Listen for having lots of options, choices, and possibilities [Options] or having a proven process or a story that had a number of steps that ended with the choice being made [Procedures].
Ask: Tell me about your weekend.
• Listen for a high-level, net-net executive summary [General] or details and specificity [Specific].
Ask: What’s your approach when solving problems? How do you decide what to do? How do you do it?
• Listen for take action, charge forward, do it now, and high bias to action [Active] or consider, ponder, understand, and analyze and then take action [Reflective].
Ask: How do you know you’ve done a good job?
• Listen for external proof: achieve quota, win the contest, get praise from boss [External] or “It’s a feeling, I know I’ve done my best” [Internal].
Please also see the Recruiting Process in this chapter’s resources section on www.PowerYourTribe.com.
Meta Program Objective: Close More Sales Faster
Many of our clients seek us out for help crafting Meta Program messages in sales and marketing scenarios. Here are a few examples.
The goal was to send an e-mail that would compel the recipient to agree to a meeting with our client. The CEO sent me the “Before” e-mail draft:
E-mail Draft Before the Meta Program Makeover
Subject: Thank you for attending our conference reception!
Dear X,
Thank you for investing your time to attend our reception during the recent XYZ Conference. It was a pleasure meeting with you. We trust you enjoyed our entertaining guest speaker, Dr. Y, and his informative and unfettered presentation.
If there is anything I can do to assist you, or if you have any questions, please contact me.
Sincerely,
CEO
MP Profile and SBM Trigger of the Participants (the Influencees): Away-Toward, Procedures, Active-Reflective, General, Mattering.
The CEO and I edited this message over e-mail back and forth. Notice that when you have a blend of different Meta Programs, you need to use them all, and since the brain deletes information not relevant to it, it actually works:
E-mail Draft After the Meta Program Makeover
Dear [first name],
Thank you for joining us [Mattering] at “An Evening with Dr. Y” at our reception at the XYZ Conference. The energy in the room was exciting [Active, Toward], Dr. Y delivered a powerful message [Active], and your thought-provoking and insightful questions and comments [Mattering, Reflective, Active] before, during, and after the presentation were much appreciated [Mattering].
Hearing firsthand about the challenges and opportunities [Away, Toward, General] facing your organization helps us develop products and services that help you achieve your goals [Active, Toward, Mattering].
Many attendees expressed interest in learning more [Toward, Away, Active, Reflective, General] about the best practices [Procedures] of successful investment planning [General]. We find having the top five factors in place makes all the difference [Procedures, Mattering]:
[five factors listed here in a numbered list—Procedures]
Our team will be reaching out to you [Active, Mattering] in the next week to send you the photos from the event [Mattering] and to discuss your investment strategy [Away, Toward, Active, Reflective] and share best practices [Procedures] from our most successful clients [Mattering, Toward].
Thanks for being an investment thought leader [Mattering]. We need more like you. [Mattering].
Warmest regards,
CEO
Outcome: Twenty percent of the recipients reached out to our client to seek a follow-up conversation before a salesperson could reach out to them! This response rate was a new record for the organization.
You’ll find many more examples of using Meta Programs in sales, marketing, CEO, and board scenarios in Chapter 7 of SmartTribes.
You’ll probably need to use Meta Program–based communications only a few times to get the behavior change going. Then you can use any other tools in this book to move the change forward. Be patient as you learn Meta Programs because we generally teach them in a daylong intensive session and then coach our clients on how to apply them over the course of several sessions. The investment in learning how to speak in Meta Programs in sales, marketing, and leadership scenarios is well worth it, though!
The best part about Meta Programs is that they help us honor and appreciate the experience of another person—and appreciation is the highest form of rapport. Safety, belonging, and mattering, as well as Meta Programs, help us understand what it’s like to be other people and to see their map. When we can fully appreciate and be 100 percent present to their experience (to the greatest degree possible without being them!), we profoundly raise the bar on our connection with them. They feel fully seen and understood.
One final thought on communicating using SBM Triggers and Meta Programs: if you’re communicating to a group, speak in a blend of the SBM Triggers you think are in the crowd as well as the Meta Programs. Note how we did this in the e-mail text above for the investment client. Since the brain deletes, distorts, and generalizes, the recipients will focus on the message that resonates with them.
The SBM tools and Meta Programs are powerful ways to influence and redirect behavior in the workplace. However, in some extreme cases, there are personality types for which the SBM Index and Meta Programs are insufficient, such as dealing with extreme narcissists who are in positions of leadership and abusing their power. In Part III, Chapter 10, we will cover some breakthrough ways to work with these personalities. In the meantime, we’ll discuss bias, borderline behavior, and other blocks to trust in the next chapter—and how to overcome them to build your overall tribal agility.
1. Communication is about engagement, not manipulation. Words can be used to increase safety, belonging, and mattering in your organization, and the SBM Behavior Decoder and SBM Communication tools are great ways to help you achieve this.
2. The SBM Index is a swift and effective diagnostic tool for employee engagement. It gives us a clear measurable assessment of what the emotional experience is of the employees within an organization in terms of safety, belonging, and mattering.
3. Meta Programs provide powerful insights into how people communicate, process information, and behave in life and work. Using them, we can understand what roles people would be best suited to and what they crave and need specifically, and we’ll know how to communicate with them so they get what they want.
• Often leaders are focusing so intensely on growth that we miss that our team’s emotional experience is suffering.
• When we communicate effectively to give people what they crave, the results are remarkable—and swift.
• When we understand people’s Meta Programs, we understand their belief systems and how they structure—in part—their identity.
• Meta Programs are the filters through which we see the world—that is, they are the ways our brains process information and determine how we react to it.
• The best part about Meta Programs is that they help us honor and appreciate the experience of other people.
See this chapter’s section on www.PowerYourTribe.com for the following:
• Chapter Quick Take video
• STI Recruiting Process: This will save you over 60 hours per candidate!
• SBM Index Recommended Tools and Process
• Convincer Meta Program Information: Key for Sales, Marketing, Business Development Communication, and Content Marketing Strategy
• Meta Program Cliff Notes: Especially Valuable to Sales and Marketing