26

Critical Conversations

Although the folks at Starbucks sell coffee, other beverages, and food, they are really the most recent embodiment of a centuries-old tradition of coffeehouses that probably began in the Middle East, in cities like Bagdad and Tehran. These coffeehouses not only offer refreshment but also serve as hangouts for conversation, reading, writing, playing games, and now web-surfing. So though Starbucks’ business focuses on refreshments, the environment it has created and reproduced in thousands of coffeehouses around the globe was really about creating a comfortable place for conversation—in essence for maintaining a centuries-old tradition.¹

Critical conversations take place when a manager and/or an HR professional have to:

    Conduct an interview with a perspective employee.

    Discuss performance.

    Provide feedback.

    Discipline an employee.

    Refer an employee to an EAP.

    Resolve conflict or negotiate.

    Praise an employee for a job done well.

    Investigate an issue.

    Implement a management action, whether positive or negative (for example, tell an employee he or she is getting a raise or is getting reassigned to a position with less responsibility).

In this age of smart phones and iPads, we email and send text messages as a way of communicating. We tweet, short and to the point, in just 140 characters. All of these are one-way communications. They are not a substitute for conversations.

A conversation is a two-way dialogue where information is given and received. Conversations matter because they²:

    Help us to remain relevant.

    Enable us to connect with others in compelling ways.

    Enable us to find out what’s going on with our employees, our peers and stakeholders.

The goal of an effective conversation is to have a positive outcome. New ideas will be encouraged, everyone will be open to different approaches, and there will be opportunities for everyone to discuss differences and explain differing points of view. Having a critical conversation at work requires some preparation. A way to prepare for the next and all future conversations is to understand the anatomy of a conversation.

Get Good Information

Good information is relevant to the issue at hand—the subject of the conversations. Learning to ask open-ended questions in a manner that encourages ease and makes others comfortable is a key to meeting this purpose. For example:

    Tell me more.

    Help me better understand.

    Can you say a little more about how you see things?

    Tell me why this is important.

Be curious and probe. Ask who, what, when, where, and why questions, and clarify terminology and acronyms. It is also important to ask for concrete or relevant information. For example:

    What leads you to say that?

    Can you give me an example?

    How would that work?

It is equally important for the conversation and thought process to flow. Too many questions and interjections could disrupt this flow. Though you need to control the time and the discussion, don’t control the direction of the discussion. Talking too much may be a barrier that contributes to the erosion of communication.

Push other people to be specific, using the following probes³:

    Please fill me in on the details.

    Can you give me a specific example of what happened?

    Do you have a particular situation in mind?

    What exactly do you want me to do?

We all see the world differently because we all have different information, are influenced by past experiences, and reach different conclusions based on our own information and experiences. Ask yourself, “What information do they have that I don’t have that leads them to that conclusion?” Keep in mind that there are barriers to communication that include culture, gender, age, education, skill, experience, knowledge, style perceptions, and attitudes.

    Appendix: Checklist for Gathering the Facts.

Encourage Dialogue

It is important to listen and to encourage reactions and suggestions. Allow the other party to provide input and suggestions. Allow the other person to state his or her point of view without arguing or becoming defensive. Be prepared to adjust your viewpoints, if necessary. As you work to create a two-way exchange of information, stay flexible about who asks the questions and who states concerns or provides information first.

You can encourage dialogue by:

    Being at ease. It will put the others at ease.

    Getting the other person’s perspective. Asking others to contribute and provide opinions is a compliment.

    Showing sensitivity. Listen for statements that may lead to new or additional information.

    Checking for understanding by repeating, paraphrasing, and taking time to reflect before stating your immediate reaction. Don’t assume that everybody sees things the same as you.

    Using listening skills. Be patient.

Recognize that silence allows time to reflect and think about the information you’ve already received and to frame additional questions. Don’t interpret it as a negative. Hear silence as it’s intended.⁴

Be an Active Listener

Active listening means making a deliberate effort to understand what the other person’s message is from his or her viewpoint, paying attention to all verbal and non-verbal signals, clarify meaning when you don’t understand, and rephrasing and showing your desire to understand what is being said.

    Listen to learn. Be interested and show it.

    Seek understanding. Listen to words and clarify understanding.

    Turn off your listening filters. Don’t allow yourself to think of anything except what the speaker is saying.

    Be patient. Avoid interrupting the person during his or her explanation.

    Withhold judgment until you have all the facts.

    Focus on content as well as delivery.

    Pay attention to non-verbal signals.

    Recognize that listening is not waiting for your turn to talk. The absence of talking is not the same as listening. Pausing during your discussion may prompt the person to volunteer additional relevant information.

    Resist the urge to formulate a response until after the speaker is finished.

    Listen with compassion. Be aware of your tone of voice and body language.

    Listen for feelings as well as facts.

    Listen for what is not said, and use the opportunity to probe for more information.

    Listen for what you don’t want to hear as well as what you do want to hear.

    Listen long enough to understand what the other person is telling you.

Give Good Information

When you give information, you want it to be relevant, precise, and accurate. You want to assure that the other person receives the message you intend to convey. Beware of providing too much information at one time. It could be overwhelming.

Be specific and provide details. For example, determine what facts and information the employee needs to do his/her job, such as policies and procedures, things that are new, and priorities. Ask yourself, “What information do I have that the other person needs?”

Lack of specificity causes problems. Tasks go uncompleted and questions fail to get answered because people are not mind readers. For example:

Nonspecific: You don’t seem to care about your work performance.

Specific: You have missed four deadlines this month.⁵

Be honest and positive rather than negative. We hear and remember positive words better than negative words, and the listener is more likely to remember what you said if you use positive language. For example, say, “I can have this ready for you on Friday” rather than “I can’t have this ready until Friday.”⁶

Be accurate and check your facts. For example, don’t tell an employee who is being laid off that his or her final paycheck will be a direct deposit when in fact it will be mailed.

When you are giving praise, come to the point quickly. Talk about specific actions that deserve recognition and appreciation, and explain how it made a difference. Describe the results you are recognizing and why they deserve appreciation. Match the recognition with the person. Not everyone wants the same kind of praise. Some respond well to public recognition, others to private.

When you are assigning tasks or new responsibilities, clearly communicate a description of the specific task and why it is important. Discuss job scope, performance expectations, and accountabilities. Describe the support you will be providing to the employee.

If you are giving constructive feedback, be timely and clear about your concerns. Talk about specifics—what you saw and heard—and avoid speculating about motivation and opinions. Be sensitive to the employee’s feelings.

    Begin by providing positive feedback, and point out specific accomplishments and contributions.

    Emphasize problem-solving and concentrate on future actions and improvements.

    Explain the employee’s behavior and the consequences of that behavior to the individual and the organization.

    Stress the requirements of the job.

    Allow the employee the opportunity to discuss his/her reactions.

Reframe the situation by choosing to see it in a new light, focusing on positive aspects. Putting a situation in the best possible context will allow everyone to move toward constructive action.

Maintaining Control of the Conversation

Maintaining control of a conversation allows you to:

    Have balance.

    Maintain the confidence and self esteem of all parties involved.

    Build constructive relationships and integrity.

Maintaining control means there are no distractions or interruptions, and allows for level-headed responses to others’ emotions. It allows the parties to move away from past problems. Maintaining control allows you to deal with difficult people, situations, or issues.

When dealing with difficulty, recognize and remove the barriers to communications that include culture, gender, age, education, skill, experience, knowledge, style perceptions, and attitudes. Work to control emotional behavior—yours or the other parties.

Maintain control of emotions and attitudes by staying focused and objective, and modeling constructive behavior. Use a “soft” approach. Soften your voice, smile, posture, tone, eye contact, and body language to send a message of openness. Breathe deeply and don’t become defensive.

Conversations About Performance

As more organizations look at emerging and smart practices for managing performance, there is agreement that more discussions need to be held. Organizations such as Deloitte are encouraging regular check-ins and, to ensure their frequency, empowering team members who are eager for guidance to initiate them.⁷ Feedback discussions should have always been an important component of performance management and organizations are finally realizing it. One way to assist managers, team leaders, and team members is to develop questions to guide these important two-way discussions. Consider variations on the following:

    What’s working and should be continued?

    What can you (I) do more of/less of to be effective?

    What will you be (should I be) doing over the rest of the month (quarter) to address the above?

    What can I do to assist you with this? (Here’s what I need some help with and why.⁸)

In Chapter 25, another approach was presented: asking what, so what, and now what?

    What? This helps to provoke a discussion around accomplishments, project status, or lessons learned. Both parties can explore what went right or what when wrong.

    So what? This brings clarity into the discussion, explaining why the accomplishments and lessons learned are important. It can help identify problems or measure potential.

    Now what? This provides an opportunity to explore deficiencies and corrective actions, and, equally important, an opening to explore growth potential and future opportunities.

Both approaches can facilitate a dialogue and ensure:

1.    The atmosphere is positive and communicative.

2.    The emphasis is on problem-solving and future actions rather than dwelling on the past.

3.    The employee is involved in finding a solution.

Whatever the nature of the discussion, there should be mutual agreement at the end. If the employee is meeting or exceeding expectations, it’s an opportunity to agree on a development strategy so the employee can advance within the organization. If the employee is experiencing gaps, explore reasons for these gaps as discussed in Chapter 25 and agree on a plan for closing the gaps. Either way, the individuals involved need to keep these discussions focused on facts.

Conducting Investigations

An employee makes a complaint and an investigation must take place. Why investigate?

    To obtain more facts.

    To resolve issues.

    To encourage a positive employee relations culture and enhance employee morale.

    To comply with legal and regulatory requirements such as EEOC guidance on sexual harassment complaints or the Sarbanes Oxley requirements.

    To avoid litigation.

An investigation is defined as a detailed inquiry or systematic examination—a search and examination of facts that are used to reach a conclusion. Simply stated, when facts are in dispute, investigate.

Investigations take skill and practice. The investigator must act without bias. Before beginning an investigation, managers and HR professionals should always check with internal resources, especially legal counsel. In some instances, it might be beneficial to engage an outside, impartial party to conduct the investigation. Keep in mind that interviewing witnesses to a situation is just one part of the investigation. Your organization may have specific procedures and practices regarding investigations, and they should be followed.

    Appendix: Checklist for Effective Investigation Interviews.

Discussion Questions

1.    A manager has to sit down with an employee whose performance has been deteriorating and who has been exhibiting erratic behavior, and make a referral to the Employee Assistance Program. How should this manager prepare and what specific information should he or she provide to the employee?

2.    Two employees on your team are always at odds with each other. One works hard at controlling his or her sometimes-explosive personality; the other appears calm and aloof, but frequently brings up facts that are outside the scope of the issue at hand, often in an accusatory manner. As you watch yet another tense situation about to explode, what advice would you give both of your teammates about controlling their emotions and the conversation?

3.    What questions could you suggest for your organization to guide performance discussions?