2
Dialogue—Learning the Language of Coaching
As described in chapter 1, dialogue is a way of engaging in conversation for creating greater understanding. Dialogue enables effective communication by changing the rhythm and flow of conversation. As William Isaacs (1999) describes, when people are practicing dialogue, they are involved in a conversation with a center, not sides, channeling their energy into creating something new. The experience is centered on expanding understanding such that all parties come away with a greater appreciation of perspective—theirs and others. Dialogue supports individuals, teams, and organizations to more effectively solve problems, trust others, and learn.
If dialogue offers such a substantive array of benefits, why don’t more people use it? First, skill sets must be learned, and many people have convinced themselves that they don’t have time to do so. Second, practicing dialogue requires courage—a willingness to admit that you don’t know everything and that you are willing to be informed by others to come up with the most complete answer or solution. Third, dialogue requires an interest in and an awareness of others that some of us have not yet learned to practice. So, how are people communicating?
My World, My Way
In the 1970s, Chris Argyris introduced what he called “the ladder of inference” to describe the process by which humans process information and come to conclusions. Since that time, other authors have proposed similar models to explain how we move from experiencing an event to reacting to that event. These authors and others agree on the following:
1. Something happens.
2. We tell ourselves a story about what happened (related partially, wholly, or not at all to the facts).
3. We feel a certain way.
4. We act based on those feelings.
It is important to note that this entire process takes only seconds to complete and we are largely unaware of each separate step. Also, the story we tell ourselves (step 2) generally supports our beliefs about ourselves and others (and is incomplete). Consider this example:
Something happens: You are in the conference room preparing for your team meeting. You are scheduled to present a run-through of your recommendations to the team’s executive sponsor, Kevin. Kevin sticks his head into the conference room and says, “Something has come up and I won’t be joining you today. Good luck with the run-through.” And he leaves.
We tell ourselves a story: You think, “Wow, Kevin must not be that interested in this project after all.”
The story allows us to feel a certain way: You feel disrespected and angry at Kevin. The team worked really hard to come up with a creative solution to the logistics challenge you faced, and he doesn’t even have time to hear it? He was never in favor of this initiative anyway. Well, you don’t need him.
We act based on those feelings: When the team comes in, you tell them that Kevin isn’t interested in your recommendation and you’d better reach out to other executive team members to line up their support.
In this case, Kevin is cast as the villain. By definition, you are cast as the heroine. The interpretation of the events and the meaning you assign to them may be completely off base. And yet, it is your interpretation and you are ready to take it forward as though it were gospel.
These interpretations and the following actions happen every day, and we often don’t stop to question our “understanding” of any given event. Add to this natural human habit the changes in technology that have made access to information almost immediate. Now you can share your “understanding” of any given event in a text, a tweet, or an email. You can post it on Facebook or LinkedIn. You can blog about it. The more opportunity you have to tell your story, the more attached to it you become, and the less likely you are to consider an alternative storyline.
Given these circumstances, it is not surprising that effective communication between individuals, among team members, and within organizations is rare. In our haste to make sense of situations quickly, multitask, and meet the implicit or explicit expectations for speedy responses, most of our communication is flawed. Misunderstanding, misinterpretation, and assumptions based on partial or outdated information all lead to mistakes, rework, and weakened connections with colleagues, stakeholders, suppliers, and the public. So, what can you do?
Slow Down
To start, you can increase the space you have between an event and your rush to action. You can allow yourself to respond rather than react to that event. The first step is to acknowledge that you control the space that exists between an action and your reaction. You can choose to enlarge that space. You can choose to adopt a learning stance and ask questions such as:
• What happened here?
• What does this mean?
• How might someone else look at this?
• What can I learn here?
• How did I contribute to this?
Asking these questions takes time and slows down the action. The next step is to explore your feelings about the event rather than accepting them at face value:
• How do I feel about this?
• What is making me feel this way?
• How else can I feel?
• What is the benefit and cost of these feelings?
Finally, you can choose a response and act accordingly. Questions to consider at this point are:
• What result do I want to achieve?
• How does this behavior bring me closer to my desired result?
• How else can I respond?
• What are the benefits and costs of responding this way?
Of course, you do not work through these steps alone. You are generally interacting with others, so the opportunity exists to involve other people in sorting through these thoughts. You can do this by inquiring, or asking questions of them to find out what they intended and how they experienced the interaction. You can also share your feelings or thoughts and test them out. In other words, you can clarify what you want or expect and see how closely that matches with what the other person wants or expects. As long as you are both putting information on the table, you have the chance to create a shared understanding and agreements on how you will move forward. This way, your actions are “informed” and, generally speaking, more complete. The key to this process is effectively using the skills of dialogue.
Rewriting the Script
In most Western workplaces, discussion is the most common mode of communication. Convincing others is valued and so people work to persuade, convince, defend, sell, or tell others. Individuals focus on specific parts of an issue and focus their thinking on that part, with little or no consideration of the touchpoints with the other parts that make up the whole. Information is shared in a segmented manner, influenced by politics and a desired outcome, making it difficult to consider the issue in its entirety and all its ramifications.
Think of the last time you were in a meeting. How many statements did you hear, compared with the number of questions asked? Most meeting participants report statements outnumbering questions by a wide margin. Proclaiming the benefit of a course of action and arguing in support of it promotes a win/lose dynamic that characterizes many meetings. Getting your way is valued in many situations, and the short-term gain is often overshadowed by long-term costs such as unexpected consequences, redundancies, and uninformed thinking.
Compare this modality of communication with dialogue. Creating space within which dialogue is valued and practiced yields positive, substantive results. Participants learn from one another, and overall they are better informed. Teams and organizations that use dialogue consistently make better decisions and experience greater learning and increased profitability. Although there is an initial investment of time required to learn dialogue skills, teams that do so are able to work more quickly, and more people become better decision makers.
The Dialogue Building Blocks
Dialogue requires a shift in the way many leaders and managers have learned their roles. It requires looking beyond yourself and using the type of “outward mindset” that puts others first and demonstrates a genuine curiosity and solution focus (Arbinger Institute 2016). It requires a level of courage and care: courage to allow others to see that you may not have all the answers, and care in asking others to inform your thinking and then listening when they do so. It also requires a facility with seven building blocks, or skill areas, to effectively navigate the powerful stream of meaning that dialogue creates.
Let’s look at these seven building blocks and see how you can incorporate them into your conversations. Table 2-1 offers some benefits of each building block for you and others with whom you interact.
Table 2-1. Benefits of the Dialogue Building Blocks
| Building Block | Benefit to You | Benefit to Others |
Focus |
» Clarifies desired outcome » Highlights intention; enables attention |
» Creates a clear purpose for the conversation » Outlines what to expect |
Listen |
» Supports data gathering » Deepens understanding |
» Conveys respect » Creates a partnership |
Question |
» Demonstrates curiosity » Surfaces commonality and differences |
» Provokes further thinking » Encourages solutions that go beyond the surface |
Reveal |
» Exposes thinking and rationale » Invites additional data |
» Expands other’s perception of you » Deepens understanding |
Challenge |
» Expands perspective |
» Demonstrates openness |
Negotiate |
» Presents clear objectives » Revisits intention |
» Highlights areas on which to build » Encourages stronger solutions |
Commit |
» Captures promises made » Clarifies next steps |
» Captures promises made » Clarifies next steps |
Used with permission from Bianco-Mathis and Nabors (2015)
Building Block 1: Focus
Before having any important conversation, it is vital to consider what you want the outcome to be when the conversation is over. In other words, if you envision having the conversation and it goes well, what does that look like? What is the result? What is the agreement that has been reached? How do you (or the other person) feel about the outcome? You can consider these questions as you prepare for the conversation. They will help you become centered and concentrate on achieving the results you have defined as “successful.” Consider the following examples.
Cynthia is the general counsel for a small, not-for-profit organization. She is passionate about their mission and her responsibility to mitigate risks when it comes to public interactions. She has seen the marketing department play fast and loose with the requirements for signed releases in the past, and the new vice president of marketing, Steve, seems to be reading from the same playbook. She has tried to speak with him (unsuccessfully) in the past, and now his staff are following his lead.
Cynthia wants to prepare for a coaching conversation and focus on what she is trying to achieve. She does not want to get distracted by personal attacks or off-topic references. She prepares a short statement of her desired outcome: “I will successfully convey the risk to the organization of not obtaining signed releases, and marketing will commit to obtaining signed releases in every case in which we want to publish photos. My personal relationship with Steve will be strengthened through our conversation. On a scale of 1-10, these outcomes are a 10 to me.” By clarifying her desired outcomes, Cynthia can keep her attention where it needs to be and is less likely to be sidetracked by any excuses or attacks Steve throws her way.
Charles is the team lead for the newly formed branch chiefs’ council. He’s noticed that the council members are sidetracked when agenda items come up that will affect one of their specific areas. He wants to help the team stay on track, so he revisits their team charter and extracts their purpose statement. It reads, “We intend to act as a collaborative body, bringing a horizontal focus to issues that cross division lines in service to the agency overall.” Charles decides to post this purpose statement and refer members to it when the conversation takes too much of a siloed turn. By posting the team’s purpose statement, Charles creates a visual reminder he can refer to whenever the council goes off track.
In both examples, the focus building block supports purposeful conversation in service to a desired outcome. Clarifying that outcome helps all parties stay on track and course correct when necessary.
Building Block 2: Listen
Most people are not good listeners. They are distracted from what the other person is saying by many things: their own thoughts, background noise, feelings, conflicting information, and so on. Effective listening is a critical skill, one that can be developed if you are truly interested in improving the quality of your communication with others.
When you prepare for an important conversation, you likely will make a few notes about the points you want to convey and what you’d like to learn. Making notes helps you to free your thoughts so that you can concentrate more fully on what the other person is saying. You can pay attention to how closely the person’s verbal and nonverbal messaging align. You can consider the extent to which what the person is saying matches her previous messages on the subject and to what extent it is new information.
The following example illustrates that listening is a key part of the process of sharing and discovering information that will lead to effective coaching moments.
Mark is a deputy chief information officer (CIO) in a midsize government agency. He has a remarkable skill set that combines strategic acumen and tactical expertise. He can see alternatives and answers when many others are stuck. Surprisingly, this gets him into trouble. Rather than acknowledging points that have been made by colleagues or referencing commitments that have been given, Mark will often share his thinking by saying, “We could just do XYZ.” This stand-alone commentary makes it seem as though he hasn’t listened to what others have said or that he has and he just doesn’t care.
Working with a coach, Mark came to realize the impact of this behavior, so he developed some new approaches. He started to acknowledge points that others made, enabling him to clearly convey that he was listening. Then he raised his points framed as questions to consider, “How might it work if …” or, “I wonder how it could help if….” Over time, Mark’s colleagues felt heard by him and came to appreciate his questions as contributing to better outcomes. He demonstrates his listening in a purposeful way and his colleagues feel respected. Creating a partnership with colleagues allows Mark to credibly raise questions in service to a goal bigger than himself.
Building Block 3: Question
Powerful questions can move you beyond the surface in a conversation. They can help you identify real issues and feelings (yours and others’) that have to be considered to problem solve and craft meaningful solutions. Frame questions so they go beyond “yes” and “no” answers. Encourage the other person to help you understand why they think or feel the way they do. The more information you collect, the greater chance you have of recognizing your areas of commonality. Consider the following examples.
Jessica is a talented chief financial officer (CFO) of a midsize organization. The organization’s board wants to involve her more in a key financing project. However, Jessica doesn’t have time because throughout the day her staff are coming to her with questions regarding their work, and she answers them. Over time, Jessica has reinforced this behavior. After talking over her intention to change this behavior with her coach, Jessica tried the following. She committed to asking at least three questions before she gave anyone answers. She decided upon the three questions she would most likely use, and she kept them posted in her office.
After one week, she reported to her coach that her staff were laughing at her. When her coach asked her how she wanted to proceed, Jessica agreed to keep going until their next scheduled meeting, which was a week away. At the meeting, Jessica told her coach, “They’ve stopped laughing. More important, when they come in, they are now asking a question and then sharing with me one or two strategies and ideas they have to solve their problem. And most of the time they are exactly on target. I can’t believe the change in only two weeks.”
Margaret felt as though she was reliving the same moment over and over. Once again, she received a work product from Leslie’s group and it wasn’t what she had asked for. She remembered explicitly requesting the promotional material to be formatted for mobile devices. What she was looking at was a print media format, which was not useful for mobile devices. How did this happen? She resisted the urge to pick up the phone and just give Leslie a piece of her mind. She thought about how she could get more information. What questions could she ask that could help her understand how this happened and, more important, how could she be more purposeful in the future so this wouldn’t happen again? Margaret made a few notes:
“Leslie, please help me understand what you heard me ask for. I’m curious about the direction you heard me give in regard to this product. What I’m looking at is not what I expected to receive. I’m wondering what I may have said that contributed to the direction this product followed. How can we work together to create what I need?”
The question building block supports action and empowerment, because it comes from a place of curiosity rather than blame or judgment. Looking to the future gives both parties more space within which to create actions and solutions.
Building Block 4: Reveal
Once you have heard the other person, you can then ask to share your thinking. Generally, when people feel heard, they are more likely to extend the same courtesy to the other person in a conversation. When it is your turn, you can share your thinking and then bring the other person back into the conversation by asking them what you may be missing.
It is important to frame your messages clearly and be direct so that the other person is most likely to get it. At the same time, you will want to stay open to any new information that may come your way and be responsible for how your feelings and reactions may influence your thinking. This will help you avoid jumping to conclusions based on untested assumptions. Consider this example:
In Rob’s morning team meeting, he announced that Jim would be representing their area on the modernization task force. Ellen clearly showed a negative reaction to this news, and Rob asked her to stop by his office. When Ellen came in, Rob said, “I was surprised by your reaction this morning when I announced that Jim would be representing us on the modernization task force. When we discussed that opportunity, you told me that you were buried with the new publications app and couldn’t take on any new projects until January. You also said that when it came to ‘modernization’ you had ‘been there, done that.’ So, I need some help understanding your reaction.”
In this circumstance, Rob explained what led to the decision he announced in the staff meeting, and he tested his interpretation of Ellen’s behavior. He demonstrated an openness to new information she might provide. He also set the stage for a positive conversation in which they can both clarify their intentions, avoid assumptions, and move forward in a productive way.
Building Block 5: Challenge
Part of the process of working to a conclusion or a mutual understanding involves perspective taking. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes or play devil’s advocate to see other points of view. Sometimes you may disagree with other people. It is important to express your point of view and stay engaged in the conversation. Glossing over the difference or trying to force your point of view on another person is not effective and does not support a healthy relationship. Explaining your perspective directly with care, checking to see where there may be some points of agreement on which you can build, citing objective criteria to the extent they exist, asking questions to further the conversation, and working toward a solution all increase the chances that you will be able to craft a joint solution.
Challenging effectively is a skill set that takes practice, because listening to and considering another perspective may feel threatening and require a comfort level with ambiguity that many people do not have. It is also important to explain what you are doing so that others don’t feel as though you are challenging their ideas for the sole purpose of doing so. Position yourself as a partner, raising questions to come up with the best solution, rather than trying to discredit others. Effectively using the skills in this building block will strengthen the relationships you have with others and enable you to authentically partner with others in pursuit of joint solutions.
Read through the following examples to see how you might use the challenge skill set more effectively.
In a meeting where you disagree with most of the points made by your colleagues: “I appreciate the perspectives you have offered and I don’t want to sound as though I’m not a team player. I do want to share my concern that if we do not put forward a joint recommendation as promised, we will lose our opportunity to contribute to the final design. How can we make that happen?”
In a conversation with a peer who often takes on the role of martyr: “I wonder how else we can look at this situation? If you didn’t feel that the other team is taking advantage of you, what action might you be willing to take?”
Pushing back on a due date your boss is requesting: “If I put myself in your shoes, I can see wanting to send these results forward ASAP. I am curious about the benefit of waiting for the analytics coming in on Monday and then sending our results. How might that strengthen our position?”
Explaining to a team member why delivering as agreed is important: “I have heard you say a day or two one way or the other doesn’t matter more than once. I wonder how other team members react when you promise something by a certain time and then deliver it later with no explanation? What story might people tell themselves about your promises and what they are worth?”
Building Block 6: Negotiate
When you are negotiating with someone else, it is tempting to view them as the barrier to the solution or answer you want. They are too stubborn, inflexible, naïve, or selfish. If you find yourself focusing on the other people and directing a lot of energy their way, it may be time for you to consider your contribution to the situation at hand. Ask questions that help all parties focus on the future and support finding a solution. To what extent can you take parts of any ideas proposed and reconfigure them to create a solution to which everyone can commit? Consider the following examples:
“Earlier you mentioned the importance of doing a dry run with the entire team. I agree with that. How can we make that happen before the scheduled presentation on Tuesday?”
“I have heard several concerns expressed about changing suppliers this late in the project. I haven’t heard how we might get the current supplier to deliver a work product that doesn’t require the amount of corrections we have been making. What ideas does everyone have?”
Negotiating requires you to look at your own contributions and a willingness to embrace both/and thinking. The challenge for you is to find common ground and build upon it.
Building Block 7: Commit
A commitment is a promise. For all parties to fulfill their promises, it is important for people to be clear on what they are expected to do or deliver and when. Don’t rush to adjourn your conversation once you hear an initial agreement. Acknowledge the agreement and then take the time to clarify the actions each person will take so that you are more likely to achieve the successful end you all envision.
Build in some checkpoints or ways to touch base to ensure that everyone stays on track. Make note of the agreements made and share those notes with all parties. If anything looks as if it will get in the way of you keeping a commitment you made, inform the other parties at once and work out a contingency plan. Take promises seriously and do your best to always follow through as agreed.
This building block is often skipped and then people wonder what went wrong when things don’t turn out as expected. Take the time to confirm understandings and clarify next steps. This will strengthen your credibility with others and give you a strong base on which to build next time. Consider the following example (Bianco-Mathis and Nabors 2015):
Carrie, I will draft the email reminding the team that you are the go-to person for legislative updates and you are going to start holding weekly team meetings beginning on the 4th. I’ll look forward to receiving the meeting minutes within 48 hours of each meeting as we agreed. Regarding training, we’ve agreed to survey the customer service managers and identify key areas for development. What needs to happen first to get that moving? Who will update the team and by when can we expect the initial communication?
Putting It All Together
These skill sets come into play every time you engage in an important conversation. Use Table 2-2 to refine your techniques. These skill sets can stand alone, and they can support the C-O-A-CH model introduced in chapter 1.
Table 2-2. Techniques to Master Dialogue
| Building Block | Techniques to Consider | Sample Language |
Focus |
» Identify intentions » Clarify beliefs » Access feelings » Determine difficulty » Rate importance » Reflect on being |
» “What result do I want?” » “What do I think about this situation?” » “What is my reward for thinking this way?” » “How willing am I to change my mind?” » “How easy or difficult is this for me on a scale of 1-10?” » “What do I need to move forward?” |
Listen |
» Utilize whole heart and mind » Align nonverbals » Empathize » Use silence » Don’t get hooked » Get to the bottom line |
» “What basic message am I getting?” » “What impressions am I getting in addition?” » “I see what you mean …” » “It sounds like you are feeling unsupported; is that so?” » “To sum up, we are looking at …” » “In 20 words or fewer, what are our choices?” |
Question |
» Inquire into others’ reasoning » Get more information » Reflect » Ask for feedback » Revisit the existing agreement |
» “Help me understand …” » “Tell me more about … » “What result did you anticipate when …” » “How do you feel about …” |
Reveal |
» Share your reasoning » Be direct with care » Assert » Offer ideas » Appreciate efforts |
» “I am concerned about the number of errors in this report. I was expecting a final product we could send forward immediately and this isn’t it. Help me understand what happened.” » “I think we should continue to use the current supplier. The reason I think this is because they know our requirements, they are competitive price-wise, and they have a long-standing relationship with us. What do you think?” » “How might it work if …?” |
Challenge |
» Play devil’s advocate » Tell a story » Reframe » Switch shoes » Reaffirm joint purpose » Consider pros and cons |
» “How else can we look at this?” » If I put myself in your shoes, I can see myself getting very angry. You are working hard to get through all the requirements and contracting is slowing you down.” |
Negotiate |
» Craft solutions » Connect the dots » Clarify criteria » Link ideas » Clarify contributions |
» “What are the common elements in the ideas we’ve already discussed?” » “What would happen if …?” » “Earlier you mentioned the importance of including the team in the presentation, and I didn’t hear you describe how that will happen. How are you planning to do that?” |
Commit |
» Paint a picture » Map out supporting steps » Make a request » Give or get permission to check in » Get moving » Box information |
» “What will that look like?” » “Walk me through the new approach.” » “How do you see that playing out?” » “What needs to happen first?” » “What actions can we take now?” » “Who owns this action? » “What is the consequence of doing nothing?” |
Bianco-Mathis and Nabors (2017)
Consider the following example to see how these skills can strengthen your impact.
C-O-A-CH Conversation
Alan was hopeful as he headed into the conference room for the executive team meeting. He had only one item on the agenda: a conversation using the C-O-A-CH model to work through the team’s past, present, and future contributions for the success of their new CFO. Alan was thankful that the team had been practicing the dialogue skills they were introduced to at the spring off-site meeting. They were going to need them to get their relationships on the right track so that they could deliver the results the board was expecting and not kill one another in the process.
Alan took a seat and looked around the room. John, his chief information officer, was talking to Angela, the general counsel. Marc, his chief human capital officer, was taking notes on his tablet and Renee, his chief member experience officer, joined the team with her characteristic burst of energy and a “good morning to all.” Alan consulted his notes and took a centering breath.
Alan: Good morning everyone. As you know, we have only one topic on our agenda. As an organization, we have lost two CFOs in the past 18 months. We are working on an aggressive timeline set by the board to successfully acquire one of two targeted companies by Q1 next year. (Current Situation) For us to meet this timeline and to ensure our overall health and success as an organization and an executive team, my goal for today is to identify how we can select the right CFO candidate for us and how we can set him or her up to succeed. (Objective) I’d like to hear from everyone before we jump in to make sure we’re all on the same page.
John: That is what I was expecting based on your email and our last meeting.
Angela: Me, too. I just hope we can find a CFO who isn’t so needy. I think we need a stronger executive search firm.
Marc: I’m not certain that’s the magic answer. Based on the feedback I got from the CFOs we lost, I think we’ve all contributed to the situation we’re in.
Renee: I don’t know if I agree with that. And, I am willing to look at the situation from more than one side. I think we all have to keep an open mind and be curious about how we might approach this differently so that we hire the right candidate this next time around.
Alan: OK then. Let’s consider an ideal scenario to ease into a conversation of alternatives. In other words, what have we learned about what we need in an ideal CFO and what have we learned about how we each can help or hinder his or her work? (Alternatives)
Angela: An ideal CFO for us will be comfortable telling our story. That means she has to get up to speed quickly and be able to effectively connect with board members, investors, and staff. Sharon couldn’t do that. In my experience, if you weren’t a board member, she made you feel that you weren’t worth her time. How do others see it?
Renee: I agree. She loved to talk about forecasts and EBITDA, but if someone had a question about expenses or needed information for a client … (Renee rolls her eyes and others nod their heads.)
John: I think the ideal person will want to be a member of our team. The job is more than just a title and it’s more than just focusing on finance. We have to count on that person to deliver. Sharon didn’t do that.
Alan: So, I’m hearing that we need someone who is a quick study, with solid skills, able to connect and tell our story to multiple audiences. The ideal person will want to be a member of our team, be willing to look beyond their own vertical, and they will take commitments seriously—whether to a board member, staff person, or one of us. How can we use this information to do a better job of hiring Sharon’s replacement? What do we have to do differently this time around?
Marc: I’d like to suggest that we team up to interview the top candidates. That way we can compare what we hear with more than one person in the room.
Angela: I agree. I think we should use that behavioral interviewing approach you shared with us once. We could focus on the interpersonal stuff that caused the last two folks to fail.
Alan: How can we create an early warning system so that if we see anything not going as planned, we can step in and fix the problem immediately? In retrospect, I feel as though we let a lot of things linger with Sharon. At least I did.
Renee: Well, we could be purposeful in checking in with the new person. Not just about the work, but about how they’re getting up to speed and how the interactions are going. (Alternatives)
Marc: And, we can probably be more aware of feedback from staff and others. We know some of the traps in our environment. We can be proactive and work to make sure the new person doesn’t fall into them.
Angela: I think we can also compare notes. The problems that Sharon had and Paul before her were similar. Some of us were aware of some of the problems. We didn’t talk to each other, so we didn’t know the extent to which things were unraveling until it was too late. Maybe it was less “neediness” on Sharon’s part and more “awareness” on our parts?
Alan: Good observation, Angela. So, we set up a safety net and each of us has a role in making sure the selection process for the new CFO is as strong as possible. We create a mentoring or coaching plan to set the person up for success, and we compare notes to catch and correct problems early. Does that cover it? (Choice) (Nods around the table). OK then, let’s drill down a bit to clarify what these behaviors will look like and who will do what so we are all in agreement about how we are going to move forward.
In this conversation, all the dialogue building blocks were used. Alan began the meeting with a clear focus on the intended result. Members of the team agreed and disagreed with each other, and they made it clear that they were listening in both cases. They asked questions and shared their own thinking. They challenged themselves to come up with strategies that would increase their chances for success. They negotiated how they might implement those strategies. And, they committed to the process.
Making It Real
This chapter discussed the building blocks of dialogue and provided practical examples of ways in which they can be used to create and expand meaningful conversations. Consider your conversations and rank the building blocks from most used to least used.
1. Select one of the most-used building blocks and note the language you use currently. How might you build on this strength? What language might you begin to incorporate?
2. Select one of the least-used building blocks and consider how you can begin to practice in this area. What language might you begin to incorporate? With what expected result?
3. Track your progress over the next 30 days. Once you are comfortable with one building block, add another. Note the impact the new language has on your conversations and the results you experience.