1

Changing the Conversation

Changing the language you use with others can build relationships, strengthen communication, increase the speed of work, and create higher-quality results. The right conversations contribute to curiosity, learning, and action. Consider the following coaching examples and note how they illustrate the seven Cs.

Imagine you are a director within an IT company and you decided several months ago to work with a coach. You and your team work very well together, but you realized you would like to improve in the areas of delegation and making feedback stick. Because your company allows directors and senior leaders to obtain an outside coach from a pool of pre-identified resources, you interviewed two possible coaches based on a connection you felt after reviewing their resumes and background.

You ultimately chose Charles. You have had a great six-month coaching experience with him. First, you and Charles established ground rules and agreements on measurable goals, action plans, homework assignments, tools, field practice, length and frequency of meetings, confidentiality, and expectations. You knew you had chosen the right coach because you felt comfortable and safe.

Charles made it clear that he was there to help you discover and leverage the beliefs, actions, and results that would lead you to success (Capture Context). Charles asked you insightful questions to get to the core of what you wanted to achieve and what that would look like six to eight months out (Clarify Purpose). To gain further input, you and Charles agreed that he would interview your six direct reports to obtain feedback on your leadership approach. Charles collated these data and presented you with four themes to consider and reflect upon (Collect and Feed Back Data).

You and Charles studied each theme and considered a range of possible ideas and actions that could help you achieve your objectives (Create Options). This led to the creation of an action plan, complete with desired end results and field assignments that you would pursue over the next several months (Construct a Plan). Every two weeks, you and Charles discussed the results of your practice, zeroed in on further behavioral tips, focused on how to stay on track, and created ways to reach your goal—inviting others in your department to support you and asking other executives to share their winning strategies (Commit to Action).

Although there were several challenges involving excessive travel and one very difficult employee, you began to integrate and practice your new skills and tools. Over time, you and others could see that your way of making sure employees were engaged in their work and moving toward accountable results led to an entire shift in increased performance. There was a part of you that would have liked the process to have happened in half the time, but you realized it was necessary to exert consistent effort and commitment over time to choose and make new skills a part of your daily repertoire (Celebrate Success).

If you look at Table 1-1, you can see that we moved through the entire Seven Cs Coaching Map. You might consider the example with Charles a successful coaching situation.

Table 1-1. Seven Cs Coaching Map

Step	Actions and Tools
Capture Context Capture the details and parameters of the situation by asking questions that surface the problems or opportunities to be explored.	» Assess the situation: use powerful questions and global listening. » Determine the best approach and ascertain roles, readiness, and commitment. » Establish ground rules, rules of engagement, expectations, and process. » Surface problem or opportunity areas to explore.
Clarify Purpose Clarify the specific goal(s) and objective(s) that the coachee wants to achieve.	» Pinpoint the results the coachee wishes to achieve. » Determine performance versus potential. » Determine the existing situation compared with desired results.
Collect and Feed Back Data Consider data gathered through a variety of methods to further inform purpose and potential.	» Gather data through methods that fit the situation: performance appraisals, observation, and surveys. » Sort data into themes. » Add themes to purpose and objectives to enrich pathways and insights. » Discuss perception versus reality and the consequences of doing nothing. » Be straight “with care.”
Create Options Create possible options for achieving the goals.	» Brainstorm options. » Discuss pros and cons of different pathways. » Zero in on the most productive option(s) to pursue. » Discuss chosen option(s) in terms of future steps, reality testing, challenges, and skills or knowledge.
Construct a Plan Construct an action plan with objectives, desired results, steps, benchmarks, and field assignments.	» Construct an action plan with clear next steps. » Consider benchmarks, homework tasks, practice assignments, and measures of movement.
Commit to Action Commit to specific actions to practice and try in between each coaching meeting or until each desired goal is achieved.	» Refer to and update action plan in between and at each coaching meeting. » Choose actions to pursue for the next meeting. » Determine present beliefs, behavior, and results in contrast to future beliefs, behaviors, and results. » Develop winning strategies. » Manage ego, impatience, fear, and other barriers.
Celebrate Success Celebrate each step forward, mapping progress, breakthroughs, improvement, and interim and final results.	» Track and assess progress with an action plan and other behavior tools. » Enroll others to observe and give feedback. » Employ regular self-assessments. » Note minor and major steps toward desired goals. » Reflect on and reinforce developed skills and behaviors supporting desired results. » Turn new behaviors and results into daily activities. » Practice “self-coaching.”

But this coaching map can be applied to everyday workplace interactions, too. Let’s consider a second example.

You’re walking to a meeting with Gail, one of your co-workers in the marketing department. You admire Gail’s experience with statistical analysis of marketing data. While walking, Gail expresses her concern over a second presentation she’s scheduled to give to the executive group on her recent market analysis. She thinks the first presentation went well, but notes that the executives didn’t seem excited to take the actions she was recommending.

You ask Gail a few questions to zero in on what she thinks went well and where she believes she could have done better (Capture Context). You ask, “Pretend that your next presentation is fabulous. Share with me why it is fabulous—what are you doing and what are the results?” (Clarify Purpose). With a bit more conversation (Collect and Feed Back Data), you help Gail narrow down the areas she wants to “nail” and what she wants to happen because of her presentation. You support Gail and encourage her to think of ways she can work on her presentation to achieve her stated goals (Create Options). She decides to sit down with her co-worker Mark and ask for feedback because he was at her first presentation. She also decides to observe Jose, another co-worker, the next day when he gives his presentation to the board and to also ask Nancy, an executive known for her great presentations, to help her with messaging and delivery (Construct a Plan and Commit to Action).

Gail thanks you for your thoughts. You share with her that you found it helpful to get Nancy’s help last year and that you are sure she will find Nancy’s input worthwhile. Then you say, “You know, because Mark will also be at your second presentation, I wonder if you can ask him to help you during the meeting in some way. Can you think of some ways he might do that?” After more conversation, Gail believes it would be wise to have Mark take notes during her presentation so she can make sure she’s able to put her ideas into practice. You share with Gail that you think this is a well-thought-out plan and that she will likely be successful in getting the senior team to implement her recommended actions (Celebrate Success).

What happened in the second scenario? Clearly, this was not a formal coaching experience. It was more casual, fluid, and flexible. You and Gail are colleagues and the entire coaching conversation happened while walking to a meeting. We might call this “coaching in the moment.” Yet, as you can see, the same seven coaching steps shown in Table 1-1 were utilized just as in the formal coaching session. Furthermore, you were able to support Gail and offer options without telling her what to do. You created a safe environment for Gail that enabled her to delineate her goal, discover what had to be done, and gave her the confidence to move beyond her fears.

These two examples encapsulate what this book is about: using dialogue and coaching tools in either a structured or informal way to change conversations and support action.

Coaching Environments and Conversations

When we say we want everyone within organizations to conduct coaching conversations, we are not advocating the dilution of professional coaching. Rather, we are supporting the notion of taking the best of what professional coaching has to offer—the dialogue, tools, and mindset—and leveraging it to enhance organizational performance through meaningful conversations.

This is not an easy task. We all have developed different perspectives and styles of talking. We have learned there are certain rewards and punishments for saying or not saying certain things. Whether it is because it might not be politically correct or because we feel unsure how to express ourselves, we keep many of our thoughts to ourselves—even the good ones. Consequently, we often don’t learn how to share feelings and thoughts productively. We come to organizations speaking “nondialogue,” or as one of the fathers of dialogue, Chris Argyris (1977), explains it, “We revert to defensive routines.”

In other words, rather than talk productively, we talk as to not cause any discomfort. This is fascinating because we live in language. What gets done or not done, expressed or not expressed, understood or not understood, is all because of language. As you will see, coaching conversations require dialogue, and learning dialogue is like learning a new language.

This is further explored in chapter 2. For now, it is useful to acknowledge that our differences in language span geography, syntax, personality, social norms, education, community, gender, upbringing, and DNA passed down over centuries. Fortunately, despite these differences, organizations can make choices about the kind of environments they wish to foster. And a major element of focusing environmental culture is how people talk to one another. People can talk at one another (discussion), or they can ask about and share the reasoning behind their words (true dialogue). Dialogue creates a shared pool of meaning that leads to greater understanding, problem solving, and decision making. As Daniel Goleman (1998) so eloquently says in his book on emotional intelligence, real conversations are the internal conversations in our heads. They reflect what we actually think and feel. With basic conversation, real thoughts and feelings stay hidden. Consider the following exchange:

How do you think John feels after this exchange? To what extent was Paul helpful? How much more prepared is John to handle this client? Chances are, John does not feel very supported and now has the added pressure of “staying within budget.” The lack of information sharing and problem solving here is two-sided. How much did Paul learn about what is going on with the client? To what extent does he know what John has tried and what the issues are other than that the client keeps changing his mind? How would you rate Paul’s support of John in this exchange? Paul’s only support of John seems to be limited to a reference to, “You have dealt with clients like that before.” If John and Paul were using true dialogue, they would be sharing their thoughts and feelings. They would be setting the stage for collaborating and learning. Consider this exchange:

In what ways is this conversation more powerful than the preceding conversation? Notice the use of questions and active listening that is apparent between John and Paul. Consider the ways in which they convey respect and support. In talking through this challenge, Paul makes it clear that he is interested in helping John. John shares his concerns and frustrations. Paul helps him move beyond those concerns and frustrations to finding a way forward. What would it be like if everyone worked in an organization in which the conversations were like this? Engagement and performance would be high, business conversations would be marked by a solution focus and mutual support, and goals and objectives would be more readily met.

That isn’t to imply we believe that all social institutions and companies should follow this organizational environment. We are not passing judgment in terms of right or wrong. Rather, we are supporting what the research has proven to be the kind of culture that leads to engagement, award-winning workplaces, increased profits, bottom-line goal achievement, longevity and sustainability, respected leadership, and supported followership. We are talking about learning organizations in which human interactions and structures are created to help people and the organization realize hidden potential.

Obviously, this doesn’t just happen. In fact, it never ends. It is a continuous journey of learning. As Peter Senge describes, it is in these types of organizations “where people continually expand their capacity to create the results they truly desire, where new and expansive patterns of thinking are nurtured, where collective aspiration is set free, and where people are continually learning how to learn together” (1990, 3). Dialogue and the right conversations serve this purpose.

This theme of dialogue and the right conversations being able to create high-performing organizations can be noted in the writings of dozens of experts over the years; further, it is steeped in theory and practice, tested over time.

The Importance of Mindful Dialogue

In the early 1990s, Daniel Goleman began to write about the importance of emotional intelligence (EI) in the workplace. He cited that organizations in which leaders displayed EI were rated higher as positive places to work than those without it. He stressed that EI leaders express appropriate feelings and direction through mindful dialogue.

Ten years later, when Goleman shared research that demonstrated that EI workplaces were not only rated as the best places to work but also the most profitable, the adoption of EI exploded. In essence, the “soft stuff” was the answer for achieving the “hard stuff” (Goleman 2000). The vehicle for attaining these results are coaching conversations and behaviors, such as asking questions, testing assumptions, and listening intently. In particular, Goleman (1998) talks about giving frequent feedback, encouraging practice, arranging support, providing models, reinforcing positive behaviors, and evaluating success. Sound familiar? The Seven Cs Coaching Map comes to mind.

Some think that EI means sharing your emotions as part of an ongoing sensitivity training. Not so. Rather, leaders and people in organizations learn to use and manage their emotions to create better organizations, because everything in human interaction involves emotions, whether they are spoken or not. If they are spoken openly, nonthreateningly, they lead to problem solving and collaboration. When they are hidden, they sneak out through sabotage, politics, backstabbing, and hostility.

Real conversations are the inner ones; once surfaced constructively, teamwork and productive action emerge. This is not easy to achieve. It means using a language that cuts through hidden agendas, control, fear, resentments, and other barriers that prevent people from sharing the reasoning behind their words and actions. Using real dialogue results in trust and support. But old habits are hard to break. And when an entire company has learned to talk in “defensive routines,” it takes the commitment of leaders who want to create coaching environments to establish more productive forms of communication.

In her book The Last Word on Power, Tracy Goss traces the importance of language back to the philosopher Heidegger (1996, 19):

Like Heidegger, Goss emphasizes the word being to indicate not only a purpose and frame of mind, but a way of life. She points out that by uncovering aspects of your conversations and learning to engage in different types of conversations, you can alter the way you are being, which in turn, alters what’s possible. This new “space of living” (sometimes referred to as “presence”) alters the way you approach language and interactions. Instead of talking with the intent of disagreeing, proving, or judging, you listen with the intent of openness, knowledge, curiosity, and learning. In approaching a conversation with the intent of discovery as opposed to judging, how might results be improved? Revisit the scenario between Paul and John for an example.

Continuing our language journey, Robert Goodman (2002) writes about “constructive developmentalism” and “developmental coaching dialogue” and uses the early work of Jean Piaget and Robert Kegan to explain the mind’s ability to use language to develop increased complexity in thought and action. He cites coaching examples with executives and demonstrates how coaching language can change thinking and behavior. When you helped Gail assess her own situation, reflect on the results she wanted, and formulate her own actions and results, she reached a higher level of thinking for future decisions. You created a space in which Gail could step back from her own reality, reframe that reality into one with action, and re-engage with a different perspective and result. You became a bridge to higher performance. In a coaching organization, everyone becomes a bridge for one another.

Alan Sieler (2016), founder of the Newfield Institute, describes organizations as a “network of conversations.” He uses the often-quoted words of Truett Anderson to sum up the powerful connection between language and organizations: “Organisations are linguistic structures built out of words and maintained by conversations. Even problems that aren’t strictly communicational—failures of mechanical systems for example—can be explored in terms of things said and not said, questions asked and not asked, conversations never begun or left uncompleted, alternative explanations not discussed.”

The What and Why of Coaching Conversations

Let’s step back and pull a few pieces together. To create coaching conversations and cultures, we hone our language using a conversational approach that encourages the reasoning behind our words to be made evident; namely, dialogue. Then we add the Seven Cs Coaching Map—with accompanying coaching tools and approaches. What we end up with are “coaching conversations,” the major ingredient for building coaching cultures.

Using a coaching approach in everyday conversations can support colleagues, surface hidden agendas, create centers of collaboration, and foster higher levels of success and achievement. There are three primary reasons for the recent popularity of coaching in organizations:

1. Coaching provides greater potential for learning and practicing new behaviors than other forms of learning.

2. Coaching is personal—a person receives tailored attention and dialogue for his needs and goals. This provides a centered, focused approach that makes the individual feel empowered.

3. Coaching can happen face-to-face or virtually. It can keep up with the pace of today’s working populations.

Many global coaching studies and surveys (which will be covered in detail in part 3) have found that coaching:

• can measure and lead to meaningful return on investment and organizational effectiveness

• assignments most frequently deal with change (organizational and personal)

• develops high potentials, facilitates transitions, and successfully addresses derailing behavior

• leads to positive social results.

With research proving the positive effects of coaching in organizations, company leaders should consider multiple coaching avenues to enhance not only key individuals but entire teams, departments, and institutions. Classic one-on-one professional coaching must continue as a vehicle for change. Leaders, directors, and managers can be coached toward behaviors and skill sets needed for the future of the enterprise and their personal growth. They then become role models for the rest of the organization and begin to inspire meetings with more purposeful conversations. In addition, using a coaching approach in everyday conversations can support colleagues, surface hidden insights, create collaboration centers, and reach higher levels of success.

Anyone who decides to create a coaching culture needs to have a vision and a plan. Consider what coaching is not and ensure coordination with other systems within an organization. Table 1-2 shows the similarities and differences between coaching and other learning practices. Note that coaching is future focused, individualized, and tailored. It uses powerful questions, data to deepen the learning, and personal accountability. At times, there may be overlap—for example, a mentor may also be trained as a coach—but other strategies tend to come from a “fix it” or “expert” mentality (consulting or therapy) or address more generic learning. With coaching, it is the diligent use of straight talk, inquiry, and listening—and the surfacing of hidden reasoning and potential—that drives the process of discovery and action.

Table 1-2. Coaching and Other Behavioral Strategies

Practice	Focus
Coaching	Supports individuals or teams in realizing their full potential. Emphasizes self-awareness and growth.
Consulting	Addresses problems by diagnosing situations and prescribing solutions; assumes the consultant is the expert.
Training	Focuses on specific skills and content; usually involves a shorter timeframe than coaching. Content may be delivered in person or virtually, to a group or one-on-one.
Mentoring	Occurs often between senior and junior employees for career development; emphasizes organizational goals and advice.
Therapy	Focuses on problems, pathologies, and healing. Emphasis on understanding the past and origins of feelings.
Facilitating	Emphasizes immediate problem solving or long-term effectiveness; supports group reflection on what they’re doing and why.

Bianco-Mathis, Nabors, and Roman (2002)

This process can happen in structured coaching sessions with a certified coach, or in more unstructured situations, such as a manager speaking with an employee. Table 1-3 demonstrates this continuum and provides examples.

Table 1-3. Coaching Continuum

Whether it is a formal coaching situation over several months or a quick coaching conversation in the company cafeteria, the Seven Cs Coaching Map can be utilized to fully move thoughts and feelings to action. While part 2 provides many examples for each step, Table 1-1 provides a broad overview to guide your reading. The following case scenario (Bianco-Mathis and Nabors 2015) can be used to demonstrate the concepts in Table 1-1.

Gail was a sales manager in charge of eight sales representatives across the Mid-Atlantic region. She was becoming frustrated because she would visit clients with each of her sales reps on a regular basis and then give advice and feedback. Unfortunately, when she returned on her next trip, she would note that the sales reps still made some of the same mistakes that she had pointed out previously. Having hired the group herself, she knows they are bright and have the right sales skills. She also knows they are overworked and find it difficult to organize their daily visits and paperwork—in addition to incorporating all her advice. Having attended an informative workshop on how to implement coaching into her management style, she decides to develop a more mindful approach. She studied her coaching materials and created worksheets, action plans, customer feedback sheets, and tracking sheets as aids she could use in meeting with each rep.

Capture Context

Gail met with each of her representatives and explained that she wanted to start using a coaching approach to help reps reach their potential. She also described the method as being “less telling” and using more questioning, role playing, suggesting, offering of ideas, committing to actions, journaling, updating action plans, and reflecting on results. Gail also encouraged each rep to be fully present for each meeting and that she was going to be more focused in analyzing actions and results. Gail described her role as that of a guide and partner as she and her reps sought to improve the performance of the division.

At this initial meeting, Gail asked each rep to personally commit to the process and to follow some ground rules; for example, “Either party will give 24-hour notice if a meeting needs to be canceled” and, “Both parties will come to each meeting fully prepped.” Gail also asked reps to reflect on their performance over the last six months and to discuss strengths and areas where they would like to improve. She also shared her thoughts and tested those against each rep’s perception. To accomplish this, she used powerful questions such as:

• What do you believe you do well as a rep?

• Walk me through a couple of scenarios of interacting with your clients and how you exhibit your strengths.

• What strategies do you use to do that well?

• Now let’s imagine it is six months from now. What would you like to do even better? Play that out for me.

By using such behavioral dialogue, Gail was able to develop general areas to explore for coaching.

Clarify Purpose and Collect and Feed Back Data

Based on the information in her initial discussions, Gail gave each rep a worksheet to further define areas of coaching exploration and to analyze available data to home in on more specific objectives. As it turned out, each rep had just been given a 360-degree inventory on key job competencies and had also just received performance appraisals. Thus, the worksheet provided instructions on how to review these documents and extract and prioritize strengths and areas to improve. At the next session with each rep, Gail reviewed the worksheets and, through dialogue, highlighted two items—key areas to work on, and existing strengths—that could be leveraged in working on the areas to explore.

Create Options

In the same meeting—or for some reps, in a couple of meetings—Gail used dialogue to further explore each area:

• How can you improve the way you negotiate with the store managers?

• What would you have to do to fit this into your schedule?

• What resources could help you?

• What’s your goal? Share with me a picture of you being a great negotiator.

• How long do you think it would take to reach such a goal? Consider the fact that you can’t just jump from OK negotiator to fantastic negotiator. What are some benchmarks you can incorporate?

• What are you apprehensive about regarding negotiation? How might you overcome those apprehensions?

• What would happen if you never improved your negotiation skills?

Gail noted that the conversation tended to be different with each rep: Some jumped into the exploration with both feet, while some needed more encouragement and pacing in terms of developing the future picture. Some of the reps needed a more iterative, back-and-forth approach, while others needed to be held back from taking on too much. With each conversation, Gail found it easier to ask questions and create dialogue. What was hard for her was moving from “telling” to “supporting and offering.”

Construct a Plan and Commit to Action

As Gail continued to meet with her reps, she guided each to develop a clear plan of action, including each area to explore, specific objectives within that area, desired results, steps to achieve those results, a benchmarked timeline, measures and criteria to ascertain achievement, supporting resources to assist the process, and actual “field practice” that would be done in between each follow-up meeting. Here is a typical example of this process:

As it turned out, Joe struggled a bit with mastering negotiation skills. With further conversations, it became evident that Joe was working from the belief that meeting the customer’s need was the most important element of the sale; thus, he found it difficult to move from an either/or to a both/and mindset. Once he addressed this, he began to improve his negotiation skills. Gail realized that Joe’s improvement could never have happened if she had used her old method of “Hey Joe, you have to get better at negotiation.”

Celebrate Success

After three months, Gail noted that all her reps were demonstrating real achievement, not mere surface results. As her team improved, she was able to reduce the number of coaching sessions to one every two months and to implement an innovative once-a-month team coaching session. The following dialogue between Gail and Joe demonstrates the celebrating success approach:

Making this coaching transition won’t come easy to everyone. Even though you might conceptually see how this model works, you might be wondering how to manage an individual coaching meeting. How do I begin? What do I say? How do I know when to move on to actions or commitment? We’ve been asked this question many times, and we developed the C-O-A-CH meeting model as a result (Table 1-4). Within one typical traditional coaching meeting—or within one “coaching on the fly” conversation as we saw with Gail at the beginning of this chapter—using the C-O-A-CH model will ensure that you cover the major steps to help people move to action.

Table 1-4. C-O-A-CH Model

Steps	Example
Step 1: Current situation—Describe and explore data, feedback, and client’s perceptions. The emphasis is on gaining mutual understanding of the current reality as it is perceived by the client and others. Getting mutual clarity on the current situation is necessary to establish clear, realistic objectives for development.	Question: What strengths do you see in your 360-degree feedback? Statement: Provide an example in which you have used your strengths to your advantage.
Step 2: Objectives—Define coaching goals, desired results, and measurable objectives (for a particular meeting and for the overall coaching process). Objectives may take into account individual, team, and organizational needs.	Question: What would you like to achieve in today’s coaching meeting? Statement: Tell me what you believe a successful or valuable result of today’s meeting would be.
Step 3: Alternatives—Explore alternative approaches and ideas for how to reach the designated objectives. Brainstorming and exploration of feelings and reasoning are part of the coaching conversation.	Question: What are three ways you might approach this opportunity? Statement: That is one solution. Help me understand how it meets your overall objective.
Step 4: CHoices—Support the client as he makes choices for action, including next steps, milestones, and other elements of a coaching action plan.	Question: How would you like to move forward? Statement: Walk me through your plan for next steps.

As you can see, this model collapses the overall coaching map into four distinct steps that are easy to remember as you move through the flow of a meaningful conversation. In applying the model to the Gail and Joe role play just covered, you can see how Gail moved through all four steps in only a short dialogue:

When you are coaching in the moment or over time, you may find it helpful to keep this shorter model in mind. If you ever find yourself getting stuck, you just say, “OK, where am I? Yes, I should now move to ‘alternatives.’” C-O-A-CH helps you track and punctuate the key components of the coaching conversation so the coachee begins to internalize the same thinking frame for continuous self-improvement.

Incorporating Coaching in an Organization

As chapter 8 will show, an organizational leader needs to choose to build a coaching organization. This then becomes part of the organization’s vision, values, and ways of behaving. This drives organizational processes such as team behavior, appraisal systems, strategic planning, leadership and managerial development, and decision making. Through both formal and informal mechanisms, coaching becomes the expected way of communicating and getting things done. The manifestation of this might be implemented through many different channels:

• frequent learning sessions led by managers and staff alike

• storytelling of the best and worst client experiences over the last month

• partner feedback sessions on getting a project out

• quarterly upward feedback

• software programs encouraging easy and daily feedback between managers and teams

• weekly analysis of agreed-upon metrics for continuous improvement

• pool of certified internal and external coaches

• innovative rewards for breakthrough thinking.

The creative avenues are limited only by the amount of dialogue encouraged.

To end this chapter, let’s return to the powerful use of dialogue and the cognitive theories behind mindful conversations. Language is hardwired in our brains as a part of our neurolinguistic programming. Neuroscience and ontology have added many tools and exercises that support coaches in their work. These tools are effective in helping clients create new pathways in their brains, sidestepping less useful behaviors, and instead pursuing more effective behaviors.

David Rock (2009) explains that trying to change someone’s behavior is like trying to change the path of the river at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. That path has been established over centuries, just as our neurological pathways have been forged through generations. So what do we do? Rock suggests that we help people build bridges over the engrained pathways and encourage individuals to practice how to stop, recognize the new pathway, and then choose that new pathway to more readily use a new behavior. Like adopting any new behavior—such as mastering a tennis swing or writing an essay—it takes repetition, feedback, reinforcement, and time. It takes an action plan, support of a coach, continuous practice, and adjustments until the new behavior becomes just as natural as the flow of a very old river.

To better understand what goes on in a person’s brain through coaching, see Table 1-5. As soon as a coach starts using dialogue—indicating curiosity and openness as opposed to judgment and blame—an atmosphere of openness is established. The listener responds honestly and doesn’t become defensive. Both parties are then free to share their reasoning, test assumptions, and explore possibilities, creating a pool of knowledge, perspective, and insights. Blinders are removed, and there is access to previously unseen alternatives. As dialogue continues, opportunities, alternative behaviors, new windows, and innovative actions emerge. Soon, the coach asks for a choice and declaration of action. The coachee trusts the situation, commits to a series of actions, continues to practice, takes accountability, and gets closer to the desired future picture. (See the appendix for an example of deconstructing dialogue with the role play between Paul and John.)

Table 1-5. Deconstructing Dialogue

When You:	You Demonstrate:	Resulting In:
Establish a coaching context	Interest, positive intent, and a learning focus	A safe space for open conversation and reflection
Help identify desired results	A future focus and interest in coaching outcomes	A vision of the future and workable action plan with tangible measures
Listen and ask powerful questions	Care, curiosity, and support	Questioning assumptions and considering new perspectives and behaviors
Consider alternative perspectives	Flexibility and outward thinking	More choices, greater skill in perspective taking, and increased buy-in
Request a declaration of action	Confidence and a focus on moving forward	Movement with purpose and a spotlight on what can be done
Talk through and capture lessons learned	Openness and interest in continuous learning	Shared information, commitment to higher levels of performance, and increased skill sets

Making It Real

This chapter discussed language, dialogue, and the science and art of “changing the conversation.” If you follow the Seven Cs Coaching Map and the C-O-A-CH model, your conversations can enable insights, openness, solutions, and trust to emerge. Please reflect on this chapter and develop ideas for how to incorporate what you learned into your work.

Imagine a difficult conversation that didn’t go as well as desired.

1. Describe the conversation in terms of the flow, tone, approach, and outcomes; also indicate some of the language that was used.

■ Difficult conversation scenario:

■ Difficult conversation language:

2. Based on what you read in this chapter, develop a goal for how the conversation could have been better handled, and an example of language that could have been applied using the C-O-A-CH model.

■ Goal:

■ Alternative language:

◆ C:

◆ O:

◆ A:

◆ CH: