Reality Check: How Do We Raise Our Sons and Daughters?
Parent modeling that includes the unspoken as well as the spoken word is the most powerful force in shaping a child’s life.
Raising Boys and Girls Is Sometimes the Same and Sometimes Different
There are two schools of thought when it comes to gender differences. There are those who insist that all differences are biologically hardwired. And there are those who believe that differences are fostered and nurtured. While inborn differences do exist, they are developed, cultivated, and/or exacerbated by the way society treats boys and girls.
Teenagers confront stereotypes daily, promoting assumptions that strong boys are assertive but strong girls are aggressive and “bossy.” Sensitive boys are weak, but sensitive girls are empathetic. Because adolescence is a time of conformity, these expectations limit boys’ and girls’ interests, skills, behavior, and pursuits. This is the insidious nature of stereotyping. Even though there is some evidence that many gender stereotypes have been eliminated or diminished, teens continue to be bombarded by media and marketing campaigns that perpetuate gender bias and stereotyping (Day of the Girl–US, 2013).
While plenty of parenting books are available, there is not one single manual explaining how to be a boy or how to be a girl. Yet our culture(s) dictate and promote accepted gender roles and behaviors. This socialization leads most of us to adopt approved gender-based behaviors, characteristics, and attitudes. Today, some young women aspire to and become pilots and soldiers. Some young men aspire to and become elementary school teachers and nurses. Some young men are comfortable expressing emotion and nurturing others. Some young women are comfortable in leadership roles and being outspoken. The twenty-first century certainly provides more choices and acceptance, yet during their teens, most children struggle with their need to fit in. Experts and parents are left to wrestle with these traditional expectations and, at the same time, new and more expansive definitions of gender.
Girls, more than boys, often struggle to develop autonomy because of pervasive gender role stereotyping. Both traditional psychological literature and the gospel according to Madison Avenue ascribe adjectives such as logical, rational, objective, and competitive to males. Communal adjectives such as intuitive, emotional, subjective, cooperative, and nurturing are ascribed to females. Only in recent years have we come to acknowledge that independence is equally important to everyone, and learning the language of feelings, self-sufficiency, and connectedness is important to both genders. Guiding children to define themselves requires overcoming gender role stereotyping.
Parents typically consider themselves the primary influencers of their children, along with a little help from traditional sources like schools or religious institutions. Today they compete with smartphone apps, friends, popular culture, and Madison Avenue. These added influencers compete to control the development of stereotypical thinking for the purpose of creating markets to sell products and make money. This competition begins with the pink and blue baby hats given out in hospitals. Noah’s dad said, “Noah was hell-bent on staying clear of pink from very early on. I remember wearing a pink polo shirt when he was three years old, and he said, ‘Daddy, take that off. It’s a girl color. Boys don’t wear pink.’ Now, where did he get this idea? I wear pink, and I’m very careful not to categorize something as only for girls or for boys. Frankly, I’m a bit surprised; he must get it by osmosis.” This “osmosis” starts very young and continues throughout life in the form of beauty and cosmetics advertisements in magazines like Teen Vogue, Discovery Girls, and Seventeen, fashion and articles about “How to Catch and Keep a Boyfriend,” rappers, ESPN, and video games such as Madden NFL and Grand Theft Auto. As a result, marketing in large part drives gender stereotypes.
A parent of a young teen was thrilled that both of her children were interested in soccer. In looking to equip them, she went to a local toy store. In addition to the typical black-and-white balls, she noticed balls in pink and blue. She perceived in the colors a marketing objective: dissuading her from buying one ball for both of her children and persuading her to buy one ball of each color, doubling the expense. No one can say that this marketing ploy isn’t about money.
In response to the popularity of The Hunger Games, Brave, and Divergent, toy makers continue to capitalize on gender stereotypes. Instead of Ariel, the mermaid princess, the new heroines carry bows and arrows “in a swirl of pink, purple, white and gold plastic, with names such as Heartbreaker and Pink Crush” (Stout & Harris, 2014). Even Mattel has a new Barbie doll that comes with a bow and arrow. Regardless of the progress we have made, marketing may be the primary agent of what it means to be a boy or a girl. Responding to new role models for young girls, in this Stout and Harris New York Times article, psychologist Sharon Lamb says,
I don’t see this [e.g., new toys for girls with weapons, including guns and arrows] as making girls more aggressive, but instead as letting girls know that their aggressive impulses are acceptable and they should be able to play them out (as we have with boys). But, what I don’t like is the stereotyped girlifying of this. Do they have to be in pink? Why can’t they be rebels and have to be re-BELLES [one of Hasbro’s pink archery sets]? Why do they need to look sexy when aggressing, defending the weak or fighting off bad guys? (Stout & Harris, 2014, p. 20)
And so the debate continues, as do the stereotypes.
Socialization is complex and deeply rooted in our families, schools, and cultures. These social pressures have a more pernicious impact on young teens when they drive youngsters to experience unnecessary and harmful losses. As boys and girls are socialized into their appropriate gender roles, they are often asked to trade off personal strengths. For example, girls are encouraged to be compliant and accommodating and to focus their energy on being attractive. They also are warned to take fewer risks and are criticized for being too outspoken, having too many opinions. This trade-off can drive them to diminish or hide their competitive spirit, assertiveness, and power (Sandberg, 2013). Boys are encouraged to pursue power in the outer world. While being strong is an important tool for success, stereotypes can pressure boys to deny genuine feelings of fear, vulnerability, pain, and sadness. They might then trade off skills such as networking, communication, self-expression, and empathy. We believe that gender-affirming parenting expands the way our children look at, approach, and experience the world.
Moving Beyond Stereotype Constraints
The conventional wisdom is that it’s harder to raise daughters than it is sons because daughters have too much angst and drama in their lives. We hear you. Boys often present less drama, but their emotional issues are just as loaded. They both present challenges. It’s just hard to raise teenagers.
Our cultural values include protecting daughters by keeping them close. In contrast, we are persuaded to help boys become men by pushing them away and encouraging them to learn to solve their concerns and problems on their own. We suspect that both boys and girls occasionally need protection. They also need encouragement to explore the world and learn to address challenges, failures, and consequences on their own. While gender stereotypes put many teens at risk, those who question their gender or express their individuality beyond gender stereotypes may be ridiculed or criticized by adults and their peers. Or worse, they may “silence” or harm themselves. This face-saving silence or risk of rejection means teens often stop expressing their true feelings honestly. This loss of voice sacrifices the necessary development of relationship skills and a strong self-identity. Nate, a 13-year-old, said this:
I’m not athletic and was always the last boy picked for any athletic team. It’s probably the reason my father coaches my baseball team this year. I’m sure he knows I’d never get on a select team if he wasn’t the coach. He thinks he’s doing the right thing, but I feel awful knowing I’m just a charity case. I don’t deserve to be on the team. Every time I miss a ball in the outfield or make the third out in an inning, leaving friends on base, I want to die. But what can I say? I’d feel like a wimp if I quit, and yet I feel like a loser for playing.
The truth is that both girls and boys face similar challenges as teenagers, whether it’s in the stereotypical universe or transcending gender stereotypes. Growing up and developing a strong personal identity is hard work and greatly benefits from parental and other adult support.
We have learned that discussions about gender do not need to have a “battle of the sexes” tone, implying that attention to one group has to be at the expense of the other. We don’t need to discount the unique needs of girls to address the unique needs of boys. Pitting boys against girls hurts us all.
We also have learned that when there is only one child of each gender in a family, there may be a greater tendency to slip into gender stereotypes. When a family has two sons and/or two daughters, parents can more easily see that all girls and all boys are not all the same. Our goal is to better understand the genders’ similarities and differences and work to stay connected with our teens as they discover themselves.
For Girls: The Holy Grail for Fitting In Is to Conform to the Social Order
Teens want to be accepted and fit in. For boys, acting “feminine” is a line that, when crossed, can result in unwanted consequences. Girls toe a different line. To fit in, they can conform to a broader range of prescribed behaviors but still must attend to their female social group’s pecking order. This Holy Grail for teenage girls drives their behavior.
Part of changing from being a young girl to a young woman involves meeting cultural demands that idealize and exploit youth, thinness, and sexuality. At puberty, girls begin to be much more aware of outside influences, particularly those that stress the importance of looks, weight, clothes, and friendship. Focusing on acting and looking the “right” way to be part of a group may cause girls to fail to see their uniqueness. Many teenage girls become so focused on their differences, frequently internalized as imperfections, that they never feel they quite measure up. Being part of a group often trumps being an individual.
One mother shared with us her experience with her daughter, who always tried to look different (purple hair, grunge clothes). At first, her mother was proud of her daughter because she thought she was asserting her individuality, but as her daughter became more and more isolated, the mother realized that she looked different from other kids because she felt different. The mother was clueless about how to help her daughter. She was reluctant to share her concerns with other parents, because she was embarrassed that her daughter didn’t fit it, and the mother didn’t want her labeled as odd. The mom feared being judged because she couldn’t control her daughter’s appearance. This mother would be comforted to know how many other parents have similar stories.
Understanding the need to belong, remembering what it was like to be a teen, will help you to be better able to identify your daughter’s expectations and challenges. This knowledge gives you an entry into many conversations that can help your daughter sort through and make sense of her feelings to find her own voice and make good choices. This understanding will allow your daughter to begin to know and appreciate who she is, identify what she stands for, and determine what her values are, and it will help her to set boundaries. Your daughter’s stories (especially if she’s actually speaking to you) and endless information may distract you, but this period requires looking beyond the actual words to fully comprehend the subtext of her experience.
For Boys: The Holy Grail Is to Avoid Failing or Showing Weakness
A boy also needs peer acceptance to feel good about himself. While the rules don’t appear as rigid, except when it comes to hiding emotions for fear of being labeled as weak, they are just as limiting. Boys are expected or must learn to be masculine, stoic, tough, competitive, goal oriented, driven, and invincible. Being masculine may include not being a good student, not expressing feelings, and not being empathetic or sympathetic. This set of standards is frequently enforced by accusations of homosexuality in response to any departure from expected behavior or the slightest failure. One mother articulated her confusion about this issue when expressing her feelings about her son. She explained that she valued his sensitivity but worried he was too nice and not tough enough. However, she understood that if he were a girl, she would value, indeed prefer, the daughter’s easygoing behavior and temperament.
Living in a culture that doesn’t support boys’ emotional expression puts pressure on them not to talk. They don’t talk because they don’t want to reveal their vulnerabilities and be perceived as weak. They don’t talk for fear of being misjudged and permanently labeled. Without guidance that is flexible and accepting of differences, boys must protect themselves by dismissing their emotional lives. This produces an aloof veneer and bravado that boggles parents. Boys live by the code of toughness and present a macho facade, thinking they are protected and will survive. They see emotional connection as unsafe, because it threatens to disclose weakness. As parents, we are forced to spend time and effort to see behind their male facade, hiding emotions with sometimes false or at least the overstated posture that everything is “just fine.” This makes it difficult for us to pinpoint problems. As a result, one father told us, “I feel like I’m Sherlock Holmes trying to find information [about my son].” Another father lamented, “I feel I can’t get to his core; we can’t deal with big issues.” Boys learn that to be masculine and fit in, they must deal with life’s challenges themselves and not fail.
To better equip our sons, we can begin to teach them the language of feelings when they are young and the discussion is not emotionally loaded. A classic and fascinating study by Robin Fivush (1989) shows that mothers use fewer words, particularly words that describe feelings, with their sons than they do with their daughters. After an outing to the zoo, Fivush took a video of the mothers talking to their sons or daughters about the experience. The recording showed a distinct difference between the way mothers recapped the experience with their daughters and the way they recapped it with their sons. Picture this: A mom takes her daughter to the zoo, holding her hand firmly when they approach the lion’s den. The mother asks, “How does it feel when the lion roars? Isn’t it scary to hear such a big noise?” Nearby, another mother asks her son, “Wow, the lion is loud! Can you make a sound like the lion?” When describing an encounter with a loud lion, the mothers used richer and more descriptive language with their daughters than with their sons. With their sons, the language was sparse and didn’t inquire how the boys felt about the lion roaring. With their daughters, they were much more apt to ask feeling questions. This encounter teaches the daughters how to link a word with how they feel if they are frightened. These seemingly simple questions give girls the message that feeling fear is expected and OK. It also helps to expand their emotional and cognitive vocabulary, which serves them well when they have to label and describe how they feel about other life experiences (Eliot, 2009).
By not teaching boys the language of feelings, parents place them at a disadvantage. Without the ability to articulate and label emotions, boys are less able to process them. Indeed, by failing to ask questions that allow a boy to express fear, parents give their son the nonverbal message that it is unacceptable for him to acknowledge or express a feeling of fear. Parents omit many feeling words when they talk to their sons, and what we don’t say can be as powerful as or more powerful than what we do say. The absence of a vocabulary describing a range of feelings makes it tough for our sons to decipher their feelings. It also makes our attempts to talk to them more difficult.
In our focus groups with teenage boys, the discussion often started with pat answers: “No problem.” “No, that never bothers me.” “I don’t worry about it.” “I can handle it.” We would ask questions such as “How do you handle it when a girl breaks up with you?” At first, we would get answers such as “No big deal; I just move on.” Their answers were so convincing that we were continually fooled. However, after the initial bravado and appearance of total competence, the boys’ answers became more complex, more thoughtful, more nuanced, and more revealing. As the focus groups proceeded, boys became more animated and engaged. At the end of the session, boys often commented that they had enjoyed the opportunity to talk, share opinions and feelings, and be heard. Their genuine appreciation was often revealed by their desire to extend the hour-and-a-half meeting and continue the discussion. The boys would tell us that they didn’t get to talk like this too often. One boy who had not expressed or revealed anything particularly earth-shattering or private commented that he had never talked this much to his parents and he enjoyed the experience. As a result of these types of responses, we began to appreciate how powerful our simple focus group format was and how few opportunities boys have to share their opinions and feelings.
As parents, we must teach our boys the lesson that understanding their inner lives and emotions empowers rather than weakens them. After they gain this understanding, we can help them create a road map of their inner life. With this self-awareness, boys are better able to differentiate anger from sadness or frustration. When boys have the skills to understand their feelings, they can channel their feelings more easily into appropriate behavior.
Differences and Similarities in the Ways We Parent Our Sons and Daughters
Our experience shows us, and research supports our understanding, that we treat our sons differently from our daughters. The majority of the boys with whom we spoke agreed that their parents and other adults treat them differently because they are boys. For example, we give our boys more freedom than we give our girls. One girl remarked, “If you’re a girl, your parents will be much more protective of you. My parents have a lot of trouble with my growing up and being more independent.” Parents tolerate more distance from sons than we think is healthy, and the opposite may be true for daughters.
Parents deal differently with misbehavior, often depending on the child’s gender. Boys are punished more frequently, and girls receive an explanation of why the particular conduct is inappropriate. Some boys even said that their parents seem more suspicious of their conduct, often assuming they are misbehaving without trying to learn the full story. One mother confirmed this perception: “When I see my son in trouble, to me it would be trouble that he caused.” When this happens at school (see Chapter 6) and at home, the message is solidified. Boys in our focus groups reported how they were treated differently from their sisters. As one boy observed, “When my sister gives my parents her sugary sweet face, she can get exactly what she’s asking for.” According to these boys, their parents “let her [the sister] do what she wants.” Other comments included “They always tell me no, and they tell her yeah,” and “They give her what she wants when she asks for it.” Although it’s hard to admit, we more often expect our sons to solve their own problems themselves, but we readily jump in to protect and fix our daughters’ problems.
Another area in which many of us treat our sons and daughters differently concerns physical affection. Many parents remember the moment when their little boy began to stiffen when hugged or kissed in public. In a focus group, one mother recalled this turning point with her son. When he turned 10, he said to her, “I just can’t hug you now. I know I will again one day.” As early as age 5, boys begin announcing to parents that kisses are no longer acceptable, particularly in public. One mother told us about saying good-bye to her son. When she carpools her 9-year-old, Ben, and his friends to school, he waits for his friends to walk away from the car and then comes around to the driver’s side to kiss his mother good-bye. Because hugging and kissing are a normal part of greeting and expressing love and friendship between men and between parents and children in other cultures, the restraints boys feel about showing affection in American culture cannot be blamed entirely on biology.
The Paradox of Aggression
We also see major differences in the ways girls and boys express anger. In our focus groups, a mother told us about her daughter’s struggle with explosive anger. One night her daughter, Morgan, asked for a new hoodie. When her mother said it wasn’t necessary with summer coming on, Morgan flew into a fit of rage and started to scream. Morgan’s mom had long been worried about similar outbursts and her daughter’s seeming inability to handle frustration. The next day, during a quiet moment, the mother tried a little probing.
With encouragement, Morgan revealed that the girls in her peer group had been taunting her for being “fat.” Morgan desperately wanted to avoid being picked on and explained that the hoodie was her way of hiding her body. “Buy this for me” actually meant, “Help me to deal with my friends and body image.”
Morgan’s mom practiced direct, gentle, supportive communication to determine the underlying cause of Morgan’s outburst. This mom didn’t get caught up in the words her daughter was using; instead, she listened to the tone of Morgan’s voice, which revealed that something else was going on. Eventually, Morgan and her mom became very effective at communicating without yelling and, indeed, often with a mere glance or eye message. This breakthrough created a more trusting and satisfying relationship for both of them. In fact, Morgan’s self-esteem was boosted because she subsequently felt good about how well she could handle her anger.
Morgan’s way of coping is not unusual. Girls use compensation techniques to mask the true reasons for their behavior. Parents of boys know they use techniques for avoiding detailed verbal communication to protect themselves from criticism. Boys may not show or share their angst. While girls may communicate many details, they redirect their feelings to protect themselves from the risk of someone thinking they’re doing something wrong. Girls learn to disagree in indirect and less confrontational ways. A snarky eye roll or running off to text a friend is a typical response.
Boys can express anger, and sometimes it seems that is the only emotion they are allowed to express. They learn to express anger when they are frustrated, disappointed, and sad. By believing the myth that “boys will be boys,” boys feel that anger and violence are two of the very few avenues by which they can express their emotions. Without the skills and vocabulary of emotion and developing empathy, boys can turn to anger and violence to prove their competence. We train boys to think of themselves as “winners or losers,” and those who are labeled as losers can become dangerous to themselves and others. We have seen evidence of this in the rapid escalation of shootings in our schools and our homes. As James Garbarino states in Lost Boys: Why Our Sons Turn Violent and How Can We Save Them, “If we understand the sadness in boys, we’ll deal with that sadness and not have to wait to have to cope with their aggression” (1999, p. 16).
Psychologist Susan Wechsler worries about “how easy it is for some boys to disconnect themselves from others. It seems more than simple independence and has a more negative feel to it” (personal communication, September 23, 2013). Another psychologist, Donna Shoom-Kirsch, believes that “this alienation permits disrespect and the blaming of others. It also fuels apathy and lack of empathy, and may contribute to the increase of violence in schools” (personal communication, May 29, 2014). If we raise our boys to have a lack of empathy, it makes sense that they won’t be averse to inflicting violence on or harassing others. We see the results in schools, at work sites, and the movie theater, malls, and Navy Yard killings, all perpetrated by men. As therapists tell us, one of the most important things that we as parents can do is to increase our children’s capacity for empathy, and to help them understand what it’s like to be in the shoes of the victim whom our children or others are harassing.
Boys, Girls, and Everybody Else: Gender Diversities
Not every child fits easily into male and female categories. Because female and male are on a spectrum, other identifiers are used across adolescent development. Those teens who do not fit into these discrete categories are referred to as nonconforming sexual or gender minorities. Today’s young people across the gender spectrum often are more aware of their own and their peers’ sexual identity, expression, and orientation. Many have changed from “this is appalling to, you know, what is wrong with that?” (Kepple, Page, & Gainer, 2012). However, their parents are often less accepting of these differences and expect that their children will “grow out of it” and/or struggle with sexual orientation issues.
The sea change is that many teens are more comfortable and open about their own sexual orientation and much more accepting of it in friends and family members than their parents are. One mother recalled telling her 14-year-old daughter about her brother: “I told Ashton that her dad and I had something important to discuss. We took a walk on the beach to let her know about my brother, who recently came out. Ashton responded, ‘Is that all? I thought you were going to tell me that you and dad were getting a divorce or that one of you was sick. I know Uncle Bob is gay.’” While this acceptance and “no big deal” are true for some teens and their families, we have to remain vigilant advocates for those who still require support.
Despite increased awareness of and more positive media attention to nonconforming sexual minorities, they continue to face many challenges. These challenges include feeling different from peers, feeling shame about sexual orientation, worrying about parents’ response, and being rejected and harassed by others. The fear of rejection from both society and parents is very strong. Many teenagers know to keep their sexual orientation secret, because coming out in an unwelcome climate can be fatal (Greytak, Kosciw, & Diaz, 2009).
Just as children are often confounded by their parent’s or parents’ sexual relationships, many parents are likewise uncomfortable with their adolescents’ growing romantic and sexual interests. The same kids who may have turned their heads away during a romantic interlude in a movie will now have natural curiosities about their own and others’ bodies. Having a child who doesn’t conform to society’s heterosexist norms becomes even more challenging.
One 13-year-old daughter expressed to her parent that she was attracted to all people, not a specific gender. Today this is called pansexuality. The girl’s mother later recalled her reaction:
Although I accept and love Taylor, it has taken me time to get here. I feel I am on a journey, trying to figure out as I go how to best support Taylor. I have some guilt, when I think to myself that I wish Taylor was different. But I put those feelings aside, and I am at a place that I can tell Taylor, “Whatever makes you happy.” But I would be lying if I didn’t say it is an adjustment. I live in the world, and the world is hetero-normative. I don’t want my kid to be a target. We take for granted the acceptance that is given to heterosexuals. I need a category to better understand where Taylor fits. I can handle gay, and I can handle straight, but I struggle with this category.
Parents do not have the power or control to cause their children to become lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (LGBTQ) or straight. James, 14, reported, “I went through hell because there was no one for me to talk to. I had these feelings, and I couldn’t explain them … but they hurt, and I needed someone to talk to. I never got that, and I needed it.” If your child identifies as LGBTQ, you must listen to him or her with respect and avoid dismissing the child by saying that he or she is going through a temporary phase. Support is available for parents who feel confused, angry, or unhappy about their children’s sexual orientation. Groups such as PFLAG (formerly known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), whose contact information is available on the Internet, can provide you with the support of other parents who will share their own experiences and wisdom.
Gender Identity
The language about gender continues to evolve as we gain more awareness and understanding. We’re sure there will be new terms by the time you read this chapter. According to the American Psychological Association, awareness about one’s sexual identity starts very young. Gender identity refers to one’s sense of self as male, female, or transgender. When a child’s gender identity and biological sex are not congruent, the person may identify as transsexual or as another transgender category (American Psychological Association, 2011). Sexual orientation is different from sexual identity. Sexual orientation refers to the sex of those to whom one is sexually and romantically attracted. Categories typically include gay or lesbian (homosexuals), straight (heterosexuals), and bisexuals. Research suggests that sexual orientation doesn’t always appear in such definable categories and, instead, occurs on a continuum.
Gender identity may be fluid for some people (American Psychological Association, 2011). Thus, to understand the complexities of gender identity, we must explain the concepts of gender solid and gender fluid. One mother’s story offers an example:
When I was six, in the early fifties, I knew three things: if you told me I was a boy, I would have been happy because I could have been a ball boy at Fenway Park; my dad had more power than my mom; and my brothers had fewer chores. At six, being a ball boy was the height of my six-year-old ambitions. They told me I was a girl, I grew up as a girl, my parts are a girl, and I am OK with this. My ideas of clothes are jeans and a T-shirt, even though I dress more traditionally for work.
This mother’s story is an example of a girl who is gender fluid. She’s comfortable accepting her identity as a girl and comfortable expanding the options available to her as a girl and as a woman. She also said, “My husband, on the other hand, served a term in the Marines and came out of the womb playing with toy soldiers. If you had said at the age of six, ‘Mark, you’re not really a boy, you’re a girl,’ he would have been horrified and said something like, ‘Oh no, cooties!’” Mark’s reaction is consistent with someone who is gender solid. His body and society’s expectations of him match perfectly.
Finally, gender expression refers to the way a person acts to communicate gender within a given culture, such as through clothing and interests (American Psychological Association, 2011). Some children call themselves gender queer, and some professionals refer to transgender teens as gender variant. Girls and boys who realize they are gender variant often are aware early on that they don’t fit in, but they’re not sure why. Catherine Hyde, Transgender Coordinator, PFLAG Columbia-Howard County, MD, and Regional Director, Mid-Atlantic, PFLAG National, calls these children gender creative. She asks that we keep the definition as broad as possible: trans steric covers transsexual, transgender, and the entire trans community (personal communication, November 13, 2013).
Some people are very gender fluid and can move back and forth across the male-to-female spectrum. Trans girls are children who were born with male genitals yet identify as girls, and trans boys are children who were born with girl parts yet identify as boys. Often young boys who exhibit interest in wearing tutus and enjoy typically girl activities get extra pushback, which creates a greater disconnect for them, whereas we tolerate a little more gender fluidity with girls. So if girls want to play with trucks and be superheroes, we are more likely to accept that behavior. In her article “When Kids Play Across Gender Lines,” Emanuella Grinberg says, “Boys are more likely to get picked on for stepping outside of the box to play with dolls or wear a pink backpack than girls are for playing with cars or wearing jeans” (2012). Because of these stereotypes, girls don’t run into opposition as early as boys; they often experience this opposition beginning in puberty.
The Risks Facing LGBTQ Teens
Some LGBTQ teens exhibit signs of depression, manifested by isolating themselves socially and having lower self-esteem and lower school performance. These signs of distress should not be ignored, because LGBTQ youth are two to six times more likely to attempt suicide than straight teens are (Kosciw et al., 2012). According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry’s website, they account for 30 percent of all completed suicides among teens (Kosciw et al., 2012).
LGBTQ teens who do have the courage to come out risk being teased mercilessly. A young lesbian teen told us, “Going through the halls, I’d get called names and pushed. There was never any end to people laughing at me. Some of the girls wouldn’t be friends with me because they thought I would always be coming on to them. Do they come on to every boy? I don’t think so. Why wouldn’t I want to be just friends like everyone else?” With this response to their sexual orientation, lesbian and gay teens are forced into isolation at a time when they need connection and support.
Integration of a positive adult identity is a challenge for all teens and especially LGBTQ teenagers because they learn from a young age that being anything besides straight carries a stigma. Lauren, a high school junior, said this:
I have a hard time around my girlfriends because they often say things about queers, fags, and dykes, and it cuts through me like a knife. I haven’t told anyone at school that I’m a lesbian, because I’m just not ready. And the more offhand comments I hear, the less secure I get. It’s starting to get in the way of my relationships, and I find myself being alone more. It’s simpler to hide in my room and stop going to parties than to listen to all the insensitive comments and judgments that make me feel worthless.
This summer I worked at a day camp with a counselor who started a support group for lesbians at her school. I wish I had a group of friends that I could be real with. Maybe it would make me feel secure enough to open up to my straight friends.
Life for LGBTQ teenagers is even more difficult than for other teenagers, so their need for their parents’ help and support is even greater than that of their peers.
Lauren’s friend at camp is one of many teenagers who do not shy away from the subject of sexual orientation. Many brave teens are part of an emerging LGBTQ youth agenda that addresses safe schools, suicide prevention, and AIDS prevention. Other teens are taking their girlfriends or boyfriends to the prom and refusing to hide their orientation from other teenagers. At T. C. Williams High School in Alexandria, Virginia, a gay student ran for prom queen and won. Other teens have also shared more positive experiences when coming out. Megan, 15, said, “I had a totally welcoming experience, although boys are still curious about what we do when we’re alone. I finally bought a shirt with a saying that reads, “Yes I am, and no you can’t watch.”
High school girls also talked about their gay friends. “Tyler is one of my best friends,” said Alexis. “We talk about everything. He’s one of the strongest people I know, and I’m so proud of him every day. He still faces teasing from the jocks, but he is still hopeful that even that will change. I can’t imagine ever not being friends with him.” This acceptance is in alignment with the sea change that has taken place nationally about LGBTQ. According to a USA Today/Gallup 2012 poll, there is rising optimism among LGBTQ Americans that issues involving homosexuality will one day no longer divide the nation. This optimism is due in part to the increasing acceptance of same-sex marriage (53 percent of poll participants) and the increased acceptance of LGBTQ Americans in their communities (91 percent of poll participants) (Kepple et al., 2012).
Even with this progress, we found that boys have, to a greater or lesser degree, significant fear of stepping outside the box. Homophobia is still so profound; the concept extends to any emotion or feeling that is considered to be feminine. In today’s schools, students think there is nothing more demeaning than to be called gay or fag; antigay harassment is not just directed at gays and lesbians, it’s the most common form of harassment among all teenagers (Kosciw et al., 2012). While we have reason to be optimistic, it is still a struggle for teens to be different. We are fortunate to have federal and state-level policies (California and Connecticut, for example) protecting LGBTQ teens until the rest of our society catches up (Kosciw et al., 2012).
In a focus group, some boys said that although they can accept homosexuality as a valid sexual orientation, they prefer not to spend much time with overtly “feminine” boys for fear of such boys “coming on” to them. Some girls in our focus groups confirmed this self-consciousness. One girl told us that when boys participate in traditionally feminine activities, such as dance and drama, they risk being labeled gay. In fact, more than 60 percent of the high school students in the 2011 National School Climate Survey said they had heard negative remarks about gender expression—frequently or often not acting “masculine enough” or “feminine enough” (Kosciw et al., 2012). The pressure not to disclose sexual orientation makes many gay, transgender, and bisexual teens more likely to attempt suicide and take risks, sexual and otherwise, that endanger their health (Kosciw et al., 2012).
Another target of attack is a boy’s competence. Boys’ fear of failure and discomfort with intimacy also come from needing to avoid being labeled a “wuss,” “pansy,” “fag,” “loser,” “sissy,” “dork,” or “mama’s boy,” and from needing others to affirm his competence. Now calling someone “gay” can also mean stupid. The consequence is that boys may feel embarrassed at showing any soft or emotional attributes or behaviors, including intimacy. When you talk to your teens about homophobia, it is important to discuss how this bias confines people to rigid sex roles. Such roles prevent our girls and boys from being themselves.
Many of these kids have found solace on the Internet, making it their lifeline. A parent of a gay 16-year-old teen saw this: “The most vulnerable teenage group before were gay kids, right? They had no community that they could come out to. When the Internet came, before you even had the openness you have now, I think the Internet is a lifesaver for so many kids.” This can be especially true for gay teens who live in small towns and may feel like the “only one.”
Providing Space and Support for LGBTQ Teens
A 2010 study by San Francisco State University found that LGBTQ adolescents with accepting parents not only were more confident, but also were at much lower risk of depression and substance abuse (Sadowski, 2010). Caitlin Ryan, director of the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University, says, “We found that parents and caregivers can modify rejecting behaviors when they understand how their reactions to their LGBT children—their specific words, actions, and behaviors—affect their children’s health, mental health, and well-being” (2010). Dr. Diane Ehrensaft, author of Gender Born, Gender Made, wrote,
You listen to the children. Given the space, they will tell you. You also grow to understand that establishing an authentic gender self is a journey that may unfold and change over time. You get help from a trained professional if you are confused and would like someone to think about it with you. The most important thing is to sort out how your child is expressing him or herself now and what s/he needs to feel expansive and good about his or her gender identity and gender behaviors. (2012)
But allowing children to express their own chosen identity, even at a preschool age, can prevent frustration and anger down the line. According to Ehrensaft, “It is not a matter of labeling or projecting into the future, but knowing who your child is right now” (2012). Catherine Hyde writes,
Lots of people believe that children are too young to know that they are really a girl or a boy or that they are attracted to other girls or boys. We have children who tell us that they know from a very young age that they are gay. Not all trans are solid identifiers. So I tell parents, “With any journey one step illuminates the next. Don’t jump in by giving your child hormones. Start with one step at a time: ‘Sweetie, you can wear any dress you want and I will stand beside you. “Is this working?” Is this the right thing for you?’” (personal communication, November 13, 2013)
Lynn Mueller, the former coordinated student services specialist for the Maryland State Department of Education, Division of Student, Family, and School Support, confirms this advice: “Go for the ride, just ride with them. It will have ups and downs, like any ride” (personal communication, November 13, 2013). However, Mueller adds that when students are undergoing hormone treatment or puberty blockers, the school community needs to understand that they are transitioning from one gender to the other. The school community can implement the following measures to support LGBTQ students:
Adopt and implement comprehensive bullying/sexual harassment policies that specifically speak to nonconforming sexual minority youth.
Support student clubs that provide support for LGBTQ students (for example, Gay-Straight Alliance).
Provide professional development for school staff so they have a better understanding of how to support LGBTQ students, increase their accountability when they see harassing and bullying behaviors, and recognize the impact on students when they don’t have this information.
With these kinds of measures in place, all students will have a greater opportunity to learn and be successful in school and beyond.
Without support, many parents are rightfully frightened, because they know that the world is not a friendly place for those who are different. Parents can’t protect their kids from prejudice, but they can have open and honest conversations, teach them how to navigate society, let them know they are not alone, and get support when they need it. These parenting strategies will help their children develop the grit and perseverance to respond to a more hostile world and become resilient.
Protecting the Emotional Life of Teens
While the dynamics of development are somewhat different for boys and girls, the consequences are similar: they disconnect from their true selves and from their families. To minimize this occurrence, we have to provide adolescents with opportunities to develop emotional and moral courage. Each gender can be free from the constraints of cultural straitjackets only when young women and young men break out of strict cultural stereotypes. One gender frees the other. Girls do not grow or benefit at the expense of boys, and boys do not grow or benefit at the expense of girls. Without the pressure to “prove” their manhood or womanhood, boys and girls can grow in ways that are natural and comfortable, rather than in reaction to preconceived ways of being.
The issues associated with giving our children more models for emotional expression are important for both genders. Girls and boys must be able to reach their full potential, with a complete range of emotional expressiveness. We need to value attachment as the primary task of human growth, for both boys and girls, because without community and closeness, we fail to thrive as individuals and as members of society, regardless of our social class, race, culture, or gender. The consequences of repressed feelings for both boys and girls can be unsatisfactory relationships. Gender stereotyping can create health issues, risky behavior, and less authentic communication with family and friends. Whereas girls might turn to starvation or self-mutilation as emotional outlets, boys might drive too fast, drink too much, take drugs, commit vandalism, skip school, and sleep around. The girls’ behavior is seen as self-destructive and a plea for help; the boys’ behavior is often dismissed as simply “bad.”
We agree with parents, researchers, and teens in our focus groups: adolescents still need a strong connection to their parents. Teens need a family relationship that helps them to confront stereotyping and become the best they can be and reminds them that they are not defined by what others expect. Some of our favorite practices to help teens confront stereotypes include giving girls opportunities to find their own voice, use it, and not be derailed by labels; giving boys permission to rely on others when they need to; giving girls permission to own their successes; teaching boys to know what they are feeling by helping to label these feelings, beginning when they are very young; allowing boys to express a full range of emotions; and allowing all of our children to become who they deserve to be, finding their authentic self.
How should you parent your daughters and sons? We are not aware of any society or culture that treats girls and boys the same way. Unless you live on another planet, you do need to parent boys and girls differently to counteract the negative messages society sends them. But more than that, we think we need to parent each child as an individual. We need to look at each child’s personality, strengths, weaknesses, and the way society affects him or her, and then parent accordingly. We want your teens to have the freedom to find out who they are, speak their minds, and have meaningful relationships. Once we give them permission to make mistakes and explore new territory (cognitively, socially, emotionally, and physically), boys and girls will be better able to become resilient adults.