Your Daughters and Sons at School
Talent comes and goes, but it’s your ability to dig deep when times are hard and make things happen for yourself that’s the difference between just an average life and success. … It’s also about things like grit. It’s about determination, resilience, about the ability to overcome adversity.
Students who succeed in school have several characteristics and values in common. Successful students are self-motivated, self-directed, persistent, conscientious, and resourceful. Successful students take responsibility for their learning and behavior both at home and at school. Successful students understand the value and purpose of homework and don’t have to be monitored as frequently. Successful students understand that their performance in school affects their future. As Michelle Obama tells us, academic performance—indeed, lifelong success—is directly tied to perseverance and grit.
We believe, and the data show, that parents are the first and possibly the most effective teachers of these characteristics and values (Tough, 2012). According to researcher Dr. Sarah Mattson with the Tennessee Comptroller of the Treasury’s Offices of Research and Educational Accountability, for children to be successful at school, they do have to have a strong relationship with their parents (Mattson, 2010). Teenage rebelliousness notwithstanding, our children need and want our guidance. Just don’t expect them to tell you so! In Mattson’s survey of secondary school students, 54 percent said they wished to spend more time with their parents; however, only 30 percent of these children said their parents know what they worry about. It’s not surprising that the teens getting grades of D and F are far less likely to communicate about grades than students who perform better at school.
While parents start off involved in their children’s preschool and elementary experiences, many tend to back off in the secondary years, even though their children still need support. Although parents may attend back-to-school nights or sporting events, many choose to stay in the background rather than being partners in their child’s academic efforts. In contrast, those years of sitting side-by-side and doing homework with your elementary school children model high expectations for learning. Although what you do to express high expectations and model interest in learning is different as your children get older, these efforts are just as important. James, a teenager said, “My parents expect me to get my work done; slacking off isn’t an option for me.” Yet, Anna, another teen explains, “When my parents stand over me and constantly ask me when I’m going to finish my homework, it makes me want to do the opposite.” While engagement is essential in your teen’s education, it can be difficult to figure out how much to be involved and how best to present guidance.
Being involved with your children’s education is not just about what you can do, but also about what you can do in partnership with schools and other parents. The effort begins with a clear understanding of your expectations for your child’s learning environment and the learning itself. The mother of a 15-year-old boy gave this example:
When Tony was in eighth grade, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I worried about the stress my chemo and surgery would have on him. My husband and I called a meeting with his teachers and guidance counselor to let them know exactly what our family was going through. Tony is a sensitive kid, and I was afraid he’d just zone out under the stress. We were so glad we were proactive. While Tony would never have sought out help, every week or so his guidance counselor would let him know she was there.
Tony’s parents did exactly the right thing. Their expectations began with the requirement that the school provide Tony with a physically and emotionally safe learning environment. Parents should also expect an intellectually rigorous curriculum. Only when these goals are met can teens learn to the best of their abilities. These goals are more likely to be met when the partnership between home and school is genuine.
Parent engagement plays a central role in teens’ educational experience. Anne Henderson, an expert on the relationship between families and schools, and the coauthor of Beyond the Bake Sale, defines family engagement as “Everything that parents do to make sure their children succeed” (personal communication, July 8, 2014)—for example, attending parent meetings and conferences, supporting learning at home, and volunteering at school. Parental engagement demonstrates the value parents put on education and gives them essential information about academic achievement, extracurricular activities, assisting teens who don’t fit in, and dealing with sexual harassment. In this chapter, we explore these dynamics that shape (or skew) teens’ self-image and, therefore, success. We discuss friendship and the influence of peer groups and bullying in Chapter 7.
It’s Not Personal, It’s Adolescence
For girls and boys, adolescence is filled with powerful physical, cognitive, social, and emotional changes. Adolescents are going through puberty, which for girls can begin as early as 8 years old and for boys can start two or so years later. At the very same time, our educational system requires teens to master more challenging academic demands and navigate the complexities associated with multiple classes and teachers. Cognitively, between the ages of 11 and 14, adolescents begin to develop the ability to think about multiple options and possibilities; logical thought processes (“what if?”); abstract thinking skills; and the ability to process what they are thinking, how they feel about it, and how others perceive them. There is so much growth and this time is so confusing that one educator joked, “We should close middle schools and send the kids to the country or to a ranch while they deal with all the raging hormones and additional angst and stress.”
The changes teens undergo translate into behavior we all recognize. These behaviors include high levels of physical and emotional energy, difficulty keeping on task, curiosity, risk taking and adventurous behaviors, failure to realize and recognize limits, and intense concern about how their peers see them and about what are seemingly less important adult opinions Their contradictory expectations include seeking independence while wanting protection and parental nurturing, demanding privileges, and avoiding responsibility.
Teens begin to challenge adult explanations and prefer to learn new things rather than review or improve previous work, making it hard for them to hone skills. They begin to exhibit a justice orientation, see things in black and white, and have difficulty accepting moderation or seeing shades of gray. They may respond to your advice with comments like “You’ll never understand “or “My life is ruined.” Most difficult for parents is the fact that teens tend to believe that no one else has ever experienced feelings and emotions similar to theirs. Their sense of justice leads teens to become cause oriented. One father said, “After reading a book about cruelty to animals, overnight my son became a vegetarian.” Another dad reported, “All it took was one visit to the baby animals in the San Diego Zoo to make my daughter stop eating meat!”
Creating safe and equitable schools depends greatly on adults’ effectively transmitting and modeling the emotional support, caring, and consistent expectations so critical to teens’ development. In addition, teens themselves must have the opportunity to develop self-esteem, learn about and be respectful toward others, and be held accountable for their behavior.
The Power of Family Engagement
We believe you are your children’s first and most important teacher, despite competition from other powerful influences. Schools place children in contact with their peers, who have great influence on social perceptions, values, and conduct. Social media, television, and music offer our children front-row seats to popular culture’s manipulative view of cultural values, delivering powerful messages day and night into every family’s living room. Despite the fact that more parents are psychologically and media savvy, most adults are just as clueless about their children’s “second family”—that is, their school, peer groups, and adolescent pop culture (Taffel, 2005). It’s you against Lady Gaga.
Family engagement is defined as a shared responsibility among schools, families, and communities throughout children’s lives and carried out everywhere that children learn (Weiss et al., 2010). When family engagement is meaningful and linked to learning, the benefits for students can be extraordinary. They include higher grades and test scores, better attendance and homework completion, increased English-language acquisition, lower dropout rates, more positive attitudes and improved behavior at home and at school, higher graduation rates and greater enrollment in college, and improved parent-child and home-school relationships. Decades of research show that not only does family engagement ensure a greater likelihood of students’ success in school; it also has a positive impact on the rest of their lives. When families are involved at home and at school, children do better in school, and schools get better. (Bryk, A. et al., 2010; Mapp, K. L., & Kuttner, P. J., 2013).
As parents, you can make a significant contribution to your children’s education. Here are some things you can do:
Support your children’s learning at home by providing an environment that promotes and reinforces what is taught in school.
Demonstrate skills and teach knowledge that enriches the instructional program.
Provide experiences that enable your child to develop an appreciation for learning and the benefits that are derived from persistent efforts to achieve.
Advocate for your child and other children, and require the system to be more responsive to all families.
Work collaboratively with teachers, administrators, community members, and other parents to improve schools and increase academic achievement.
With shared decision making and two-way communication, you can become full partners in educating your children, helping them reach the highest possible personal and academic achievement. It all begins at home. Children do not raise themselves once they start middle school, even though parents sometimes are treated that way at school. Staying engaged is critical; schools cannot do it alone.
The Everyday Experiences of School Life for Boys and Girls
Sixteen-year-old Jessica offers this description of the high school experience:
For school we have to have an open mind, get good grades, and participate in class and activities; we’ve got to have an attitude, a certain perspective. You have to suck up sometimes, you have to be quiet, you have to know certain people, you have to try to be yourself, you have to be attentive, on task, and you have to study a lot. And to be accepted, you have to wear the right clothes, you have to have the attitude, you have to be willing to bully people, you also have to suck up to like your friends or whatever, you have to be outgoing, daring, you have to know certain people, and sometimes you have to be mean.
It’s a minefield out there.
At school, girls and boys alike face social judgments that discourage them from achieving to the best of their abilities. This pressure can come from many sources: counselors, teachers, friends, and parents. A dad shared this story about a middle-school counselor:
My son had some learning disabilities and was slow to learn to read. We made sure he had the right kind of support to do well in school and held high expectations for his academic achievement. We were working with Adam on his high school courses and had a discussion with his counselor. She said very clearly that we shouldn’t push Adam so hard and we should accept the fact that he would be a mediocre (C average) student. In fact, she said we have to accept, and be satisfied, with the “fact” that he would only go to vocational school and wouldn’t be a candidate for a university. My wife and I were furious that she would decide my son’s fate as a 13-year-old. Adam worked hard in high school and did get into the University of Florida, where he excelled as a student. My message is, don’t let anyone tell you what your kid can or can’t do. You know your child better than anyone!
School life also is somewhat different for girls and boys. For girls, the stereotypical concept of femininity may interfere with their taking on leadership roles in class and school. (Yes, girls are still accused of being “bossy.”) They also may have to work hard to overcome the social judgment that goes with pursuing challenging fields of study that remain predominantly male (math, science, technology). Boys in school may resist facing shortcomings in their performance and working to improve. Boys of color also must combat the negative stereotype that being African American or Latino and masculine does not match up with being academically smart and successful in school (Fergus et al., 2014).
School becomes the laboratory where kids practice their life outside their home. As parents and teachers, we have to acknowledge our teens’ emotional state during this time while continuing to have high expectations. Teachers and parents must work together to communicate to teens that effort is the key to success in school and in life, and that intelligence and mastery can improve through effort, persistence, and hard work.
Classroom Climate
Boys and girls are bombarded with overt and covert messages about what they can be and do, based on their gender. Although this has changed somewhat in the last four decades, there is still work to be done. Because the messages concerning appropriate roles for females and males have become more subtle (the hidden curriculum), many teachers and students have difficulty recognizing gender bias.
In the classroom, bias and discrimination still exist. First, girls are still too often cut out of the process. For example, teachers still call on boys more often than they do on girls, and girls often continue to be rewarded for being compliant and quiet. Positive classroom interaction builds students’ abilities to think and reason, but boys demand and receive more attention from teachers and counselors for both positive and negative behaviors (Pellegrini, 2011). A teacher offers an explanation:
Part of my tendency to respond to the boys first was a behavior management concern. While the girls were sitting respectfully, raising their hands, the boys were having difficulty controlling their behavior; they were wildly raising their hands, spilling their solutions, and knocking over their test tubes. So calling on them first helped them to stay focused and keep their experiment intact.
By giving these boys more attention, the teacher sent a message to the girls: their classroom contributions are less important. It is the teachers’ responsibility to keep their students engaged, and it is the parents’ responsibility to ensure that their teens’ teachers reward constructive and collaborative learning.
The traditional classroom is not a great fit for boys. The elementary school environment is not structured for a young boy’s mental or motor skill development. Boys are physically more restless and impulsive. When they enter school at the age of five or six, their motor skills—such as the ability to hold a pencil—are usually less developed than those of girls. Girls, by comparison, learn to read more quickly and are better able to focus (Thompson, 2007).
The culture of school can undermine the best efforts of parents and their sons. Early on, reading is a critical challenge for boys, making school difficult and discouraging for them. Adolescent boys are, on average, 18 months behind their female peers in reading and writing. According to the U.S. Department of Education’s National Center for Education Statistics (2013a; 2013b), girls dominate in national reading scores and math scores. As one elementary school teacher observed, “Girls have a realistic expectation of what school is like and are more likely than boys to be ready to sit still and listen.” Young boys tend to be more active than girls, and in the school environment, this is considered bad behavior. The result is that young boys begin to experience frustration with their academic abilities and self-esteem early on (Kantrowitz & Kalb, 2012). These gender-based issues are more complex when race and ethnicity are introduced into the equation. African American and Latino boys raised in expressive cultures may have the most difficulty with the more traditionally passive and quiet European American models common in most U.S. schools (Fergus et al., 2014).
Gender stereotyping becomes a predominant concern by the time children enter middle school. We asked boys in our focus groups, “Do you think people treat you differently in school because you are a boy?” The majority responded with a resounding yes. Teachers and administrators expect certain behaviors from boys, such as aggressiveness and social immaturity. Teachers too often expect disruptive and antisocial behavior from boys of color, but they expect girls to be compliant, good students. These expectations can result in teachers overlooking students’ need for assistance. Stereotyping contributes to a self-fulfilling prophecy, where boys and girls behave in a way that is expected of them, rather than behaving authentically.
Students notice the consequences of stereotypes. For example, boys tend to receive harsher punishment than girls for similar infractions. In one of our focus groups, Julia, 16, explained that she is consistently late to one class but is simply given a verbal reminder to be on time. In contrast, she has noticed that the teacher removes boys from the classroom for being late. Ashley, 15, told of a similar experience. She has noticed at her school that girls often get away with walking freely down the hall during class when it’s obvious they don’t have a hall pass. In contrast, Ashley has seen boys stopped and questioned even when they openly display their hall passes.
Scenes like this one play out daily in schools across America: Two seniors, Kyle and Michelle, arrive at their high school English class 15 minutes late. The teacher stares at them as they enter the room. “Kyle, do you need a special invitation? Is it too much to ask that you get here on time? Never mind. Sit down and see me after class. [Pause; voice softens.] And, Michelle, I’m disappointed in you.” Brittany, a high school sophomore, said, “Shawn would eat in math class or talk to his friends, and Ms. Smith would always kick him out. She had no patience for the boys in the class. However, me and my friends would sit eating and giggling, and nothing would happen to us.” An observer in a seventh grade history class told the following story:
Joe, a particularly active boy, continuously disrupted class. Mrs. Bell’s energy and attention were spent trying to keep Joe in line. He continued talking, and Mrs. Bell sent him to the vice principal’s office. During the same class period, Emily, a loud, talkative girl, was disruptive as well. Despite Mrs. Bell’s warnings, Emily continued to talk to the girl behind her. Mrs. Bell asked Emily to stay after class, at which time she received a mild reprimand.
Our focus group students reported that Latino and African American males are the most likely to be reprimanded severely or bullied by teachers in or out of class. The focus group students’ experiences of disparate treatment of boys and girls in school are consistent with classroom research. Studies show that boys, particularly boys of color, experience discipline suspensions, and expulsions substantially more than girls do. Boys account for 71 percent of students suspended (Center for Civil Rights Remedies, 2013).
Girls face some different hurdles. Teachers react negatively to girls who are outspoken and challenge them. Informal surveys of teachers and counselors have found that they view girls who push back or question as aggressive and emotional, while casting the same behavior by boys as evidence of assertiveness and leadership. Amanda, a 17-year-old girl in our focus groups, confirmed the survey findings, telling us that one of her teachers makes girls feel uncomfortable about being “too outspoken.” She told us that this teacher, who also coaches the baseball team, jokes around with the boys for half of the class period. He then becomes hostile or sarcastic whenever one of the girls asks a question or raises a concern.
This type of intimidation can affect girls’ ability or willingness to demonstrate their knowledge of the material. Fourteen-year-old Kayla told the following story:
Paralyzed by anxiety, I sat motionless at my desk. I tried to ignore the sounds of classmates arguing over math formulas. Finally, the teacher arrived, intimidating as ever. With a twisted smile, he handed out the tests. The paper shook in my hands. I did the first problem as a warm-up. I got it! The next problem seemed difficult, so I turned the page. Glancing over the paper, I froze. All the problems were about baseball and batting averages. I knew very little about baseball, let alone how to compute a batting average. As the lump in the back of my throat formed, I found it hard to swallow. I pushed back the tears and tried to do other parts of the test; however, every problem looked foreign. A boy in my class yelled out, “Hey, Mr. T, these problems are really cool!” I closed my eyes, my cheeks burning with frustration and disappointment. There was no hope. The math I knew was useless. I was not smart enough and did not belong. How could I apply formulas I did not understand?
This was Kayla’s experience in advanced mathematics when the content (sports) left her out of the learning. Similarly, while it is important that we enroll students in science, technology, engineering, and math (STEM), IB (International Baccalaureate), and AP (advanced placement) programs, we must also ensure that their diverse learning styles are met. Supporting teens in advanced courses may require parents to intervene when the classroom climate is ineffective or counterproductive.
Outside the Classroom
Extracurricular activities in a school can reinforce gender stereotypes. Our culture places a high value on sports as the place where teenage boys can participate in a group and show their emerging manhood. Parents of boys, particularly boys of color, must provide other opportunities to develop skills, knowledge, and self-expression, thereby encouraging them to seek a broader range of learning experiences.
When gender drives participation in school activities, it becomes an “inflexible code.” Girls and boys tend to participate in different types of extracurricular activities, representing traditional areas of gender stereotyping. When asked what clubs or activities they participate in, the boys overwhelmingly listed various team sports. Very few of the boys listed other clubs, such as ethnic-affiliation clubs. When asked why they didn’t participate in a greater variety of activities, the boys indicated that sports were a societal priority they were expected to pursue. Sixteen-year-old Ethan talked about how his teachers rewarded his participation on a varsity sports team: “Some teachers are more lenient with male athletes; they let them get away with more.” Several mothers of boys in one of our focus groups said that boys will participate in an activity outside of this “inflexible code,” like the film or chess club, only under unusual circumstances, such as in a nontraditional, more intimate school environment.
Girls are one and a half times more likely than boys to participate in nonathletic school activities, including student government, academic honor society, and yearbook or newspaper. Females are also more active than males in community service. It is interesting to note that, even when community service is required, girls select activities that build relationships, like working at a senior citizens’ home. Boys are more prone to clean hiking trails in the forest and parks or to work on building projects (Domangue & Solmon, 2009). In our focus groups, girls cited a wide range of activities in which they participate, including but not dominated by team sports. Unlike boys, girls don’t feel constrained by social expectations when selecting activities. They believe they have unlimited options to explore. One girl explained that she consciously chooses to participate in activities to establish her individuality among her friends. Another girl reminded us, “There is a bunch of different groups of girls, and they are accepted. But with the guys, there is one cool group—athletic.”
For boys, “cool” may also be defined as being completely uninvolved in or aloof from school. One assistant principal told us how tenth-grade girls hold all of the leadership positions and take part in a variety of school activities, while boys who are considered cool occupy their time by throwing each other into lockers and tossing pinballs down the hallways. It is interesting to note that this participation for girls reflects their investment in relationships. They are joiners, and this holds true throughout their lives.
Both athletic and non-athletic extracurricular activities have substantial developmental benefits for teens. Parents can enhance their teen’s development by supporting choices that depart from gender stereotypes. Parents should join with teachers to provide girls and boys with an equitable learning environment, so all students can participate in activities based on interests and skills and achieve to the best of their abilities.
The first step toward changing the negative consequences of gender patterns in school is raising awareness. Parents should join with teachers to provide girls and boys with an equitable learning environment, so all students can achieve to the best of their abilities.
Academic Achievement and Social Acceptance
Teens often experience a powerful tension between academic achievement and social acceptance. Beginning in middle school, some regrettably sacrifice academics. These teens allow their peers to define them. For boys, especially boys of color, there is a disconnect between being cool or swag and being smart. The result is that as students move through school, they become increasingly alienated from academics to be accepted. In addition, our schools and culture discourage Latino and African American boys from academic or intellectual self-expression (Holcomb-McCoy, 2011; White House, 2014). We wish teens could acknowledge their success without thinking they have to choose between friends and performing well. Parents have to help their teens navigate this tension so they can choose to succeed in all areas.
These are the years when being popular and fitting in too frequently take precedence over being assertive and competent and taking academic risks. Boys are very concerned about being perceived as not having things under control. This concern can manifest itself in masking the need for assistance, avoiding challenging courses, or putting on a bravado persona. According to gender expert Jackson Katz, this guise of masculinity leads to devastating consequences (2013). For example, eighth-grade boys are 50 percent more likely than girls to be held back a grade. Boys are also more likely to drop out of high school than girls and are three times more likely to be victims of violence. Boys also commit the majority of adolescent crimes (Pellegrini, 2011).
Girls are very concerned about friends or potential partners perceiving them as undesirable. Girls may not want to stand out and may avoid the spotlight. One focus group mother told us this about her daughter, Amber, currently a ninth grader:
My daughter was told by her music teacher that she was a fabulous singer. Amber responded with, “Not really, not fabulous. When I was in fifth or sixth grade, I had a lot of nerve. See, I didn’t care what people thought of me then. But when I was in the sixth grade, I sang Carly Rae Jepsen’s song ‘Call Me Maybe’ in front of the whole school. And if I had any way of changing it, I would dial back time and delete the entire performance.” I asked Amber if it was because of the song she chose. Amber answered, “I was really uninhibited and belted out the song. I stood out, and people think it’s weird, that I’m asking for attention. The boys think so. … I think I’d rather have friends and things than be that good.”
Kaitlyn, a high school senior, remembered how others reacted to her: “Saying what I really thought got me into trouble with teachers and with my friends. I was always on the verge of some disaster. I was a bitch if I spoke out, especially if I was willing to argue with boys, and my teachers always presented me as ‘challenging’ to my parents at back-to-school nights.”
This concern also can manifest itself in dropping traditionally masculine subjects such as math, science, and technology courses despite having succeeded in and enjoyed these subjects in elementary school. Although eighth-grade girls and boys perform equally well on math assessments, many teen girls still feel uncomfortable pursuing STEM courses and careers. Samantha told us, “I don’t want to be the only girl in a group or class.” This reticence in middle and high school results in fewer young women pursing STEM in higher education and choosing STEM as a career (STEMConnector & My College Options, 2013; National Women’s Law Center, 2012). Even when girls are successful in STEM courses in middle school (in particular) and high school, they may attribute their good grades to luck rather than skill.
Parents have to work with schools to get children what they need and not make assumptions about their needs based on gender. At the same time, parents have to encourage and support their teens to make choices that are best for them rather than responding to social pressure. We must teach our teens the skills and values that enable them to manage social pressure successfully while achieving in school and maintaining positive relationships.
Girls: Great Expectations?
Over the past quarter century, the United States has witnessed dramatic and positive progress in the lives of women and girls. We can clearly measure their increased participation and achievements in school and society. There have been specific advances in education, including increased enrollment and better performance in mathematics, science and technology, athletics, postsecondary education, and professional fields such as law and medicine (White House Council on Women and Girls, 2011). Girls are benefiting from innovations in educational environments and the classroom climate, more equitable teacher expectations and student-teacher interactions, and culturally responsive practices. This progress is the result of hard-won laws and policies, including Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972 and others.
Forty years of social transformation have greatly expanded educational and career opportunities for young women. For example, data show that beginning in 1971 and continuing through every year of assessment, females aged 9, 13, and 17 have tested higher than their male peers in reading assessments (U.S. Department of Education, 2013). Girls have also increased the kinds and numbers of courses they take in high school (Niederle & Vesterlund, 2010; White House Council on Women and Girls, 2011). Girls are choosing more classes based on their interests and skills rather than on traditionally presumed or identified gender roles; they are more likely to enroll in college immediately following high school; and universities are enrolling more women than men. For 350 years, men outnumbered women on college campuses. Now, in every state, in every income bracket, in every racial and ethnic group, women on average earn 57 percent of all bachelor’s degrees and 58 percent of all master’s degrees in the United States alone. If this trend continues, demographers say, by 2020 there will be 156 women per every 100 men earning degrees (U.S. Department of Education, 2012).
There is no question that Title IX has opened some doors previously closed to women and girls. However, barriers still exist and must be addressed in collaboration between parents and school staff. For parents, the question becomes how to get their daughter ready to take advantage of these opportunities. This is where family support and grit and persistence become so important for girls to pursue what they really love and not be intimidated by social pressure.
When it comes to girls’ achievement and taking risks for the sake of doing what they really love to do, dads have a particularly important role. When women who have achieved in nontraditional careers look back on their childhoods, they point to their father’s expectations and encouragement as a key factor in their success. Brenda, who has one daughter, remembered the power of her father’s unwavering belief:
In college, I was accepted into the school of engineering. I enrolled and began what I thought was an extraordinary journey. Looking at the students in my first survey course, I counted 305 guys and 4 girls, me included. Only two of us got our degrees in engineering, and two dropped out. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I got through it. But in my heart, I know that I did it because my father believed I could. He never saw failure in anything I tried, and he continuously encouraged me to try anything and everything. It was my dad who recognized my math and science ability and ignored my college counselor’s advice that I major in liberal arts. My dad helped me believe I could do it when less than 2 percent of my classmates were girls.
Carol, a 48-year-old mother of one daughter and two sons, reminisced:
I was an only child, and my father took me along to political demonstrations, chess club meetings, and his office. The only times I was permitted to stay up late were to watch television with my dad, usually something like the Discovery or History channel because he thought these programs were intellectual. My dad always assumed that I would finish college and suggested that I think about becoming a professional.
At about 12 years old, I learned that many people had a different idea about the importance of education for a girl. When I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answers—a doctor, a scientist—always generated a chuckle or two. I remember a great feeling of indignation coming over me. How dare they ignore my dreams and pigeonhole me? My dad never did that. He stood in stark contrast to the discouraging messages that I received from other people. When the world around me said, “Carol, don’t get ahead of yourself; keep your dreams simple,” my dad showed me the way to stay in touch with greater possibilities. I eventually became a microbiologist and followed my dreams.
Fathers should take great satisfaction in the importance of their support for their daughters’ ambitions and dreams.
A significant strategy to help your teenage girl achieve is for you to learn what she’s interested in and use this knowledge to encourage and motivate her. Recognize her talents and provide her with opportunities to strengthen them. If she shows an interest in using computer software to create a movie for school, teach her how to edit and use the software skillfully, rather than doing it for her.
Critical factors for sustaining and improving self-esteem and academic success include having both parents hold high expectations for achievement, nurture interests and passions, and hold teens accountable for their own learning. At the same time, parents need to supplement this support with guidance and understanding of their teens’ social life, which becomes more complex as they get older.
Boys: Great Expectations?
A dated assumption about boys would have us believe that boys “have it easy,” and success comes to them effortlessly. In fact, this assumption has perpetuated the rigid models for raising and connecting with boys and has had a profound impact. Rachel, the mother of 13-year-old Brandon, said, “My 13-year-old son wears his heart on his sleeve. I see him trying on different roles, especially the ‘tough guy’ role, which is so out of character for him. I think about what boys go through at different stages, struggling to fit in and do well in school.”
In the late 1990s, books began to appear that highlighted concerns about boys’ social and emotional development and school performance. When academic expectations for boys are low, these youngsters are more likely to be identified for special education programs. Boys are more prone than girls to fail a course or repeat a grade level, especially students of color. In addition, boys score much lower than girls on reading and writing skills tests (U.S. Department of Education, 2013). For educators and parents, these findings raise a fundamental question about expectations for boys’ academic performance: Is their poor performance a question of maturity that “boys will be boys” and then they’ll catch up later? Or do boys genuinely underperform, so that we should rethink how they are raised and educated? Or perhaps the spectrum of academic achievement for males is wider. Some will rise swiftly to the top and become prize-winning journalists, while other males’ futures are limited by their minimal reading and writing skills.
Challenges that boys face are often the result of how gender and cultural stereotypes truncate their academic achievement. The missing pieces include the differences in expectations for academic achievement between entitled boys and boys of color; the challenge of schools and families to promote the relevance of education, particularly for boys of color; and the disproportionate number of boys who are disciplined and identified for special education. Analysis by the Office for Civil Rights found that special education is largely a boys’ club, with 1.9 million girls (34 percent) and 3.8 million boys (67 percent) nationwide classified as special-education students (2013). A large percentage of our schools serving low-income students and students of color have ineffective educational programs that result in low student performance (Boykin & Noguera, 2011). One reason may be gender and racial stereotyping. Boys are five times more likely than girls to be labeled hyperactive (Kadaba, 2014). The fact that boys are often labeled “hyperactive,” “aggressive,” or “in need of special control” may explain why so many of them are placed in special education programs even though they may not necessarily have a learning disability (Bloom et al., 2013).
Although we have presented the research that documents different expectations for boys and girls, we must remember that there is considerable diversity within each gender. These differences are especially evident in the way children learn. Parents shouldn’t make assumptions and impose expectations about what boys and girls can and cannot do based exclusively on their “nature.” As a parent, your job is to nurture individual potential and talents.
Of course, dads have a big role. Engaged fathers and other significant role models have a major impact on boys. Data show that when fathers are involved in school, boys are more likely to maintain a higher grade point average, have greater motivation to succeed, have higher self-esteem, have more confidence, have fewer health and emotional problems, are less likely to use drugs, and are less likely to become teen parents (Rosenberg & Wilcox, 2006). Dads are essential to the success of both boys and girls.
Missed-Fits: The Outsiders
Your son or daughter may be an individual, one who marches to his or her own drum, as one parent described: “To Shana, the world looks real different, and the way other kids respond to her is very different.” Not fitting into the culture of middle and high school can be a difficult and painful experience that we call a “missed-fit.” We coined the term missed-fit, rather than misfit, because misfit is a projection of someone else’s standards and carries a negative connotation. The experience doesn’t have to be all bad, but being on the outside does present challenges. The biggest challenge for teens is the message they receive that they aren’t acceptable the way they are. These teens can look different, have different interests, or have a different sexual orientation. Teenage boys and girls also can look like and act like other teens (dress, hairstyles, mannerisms) but feel different from most of those around them.
Megan, 14, said, “When I’m with certain people I’m not that comfortable with and try to make conversation, I’m like really fake because I’m trying to be like them. I don’t have much in common with them, and I have to think of things to say. I can usually come up with something to say, but I don’t like the way I feel when I have to pretend.” Parents may not remember that these feelings are a part of teens’ normal life. We often underestimate what kids are really feeling when they act this way. The good news is that focus group teens said their parents’ stories help to normalize these feelings.
Many boys feel intense pressure to fit a mold. Michael, 17, said, “I’ve never been interested in following football or basketball. Trust me, life would be easier if I did. Sometimes I get tired of being clueless, so I watch a game just so I can participate in conversations at school. But I often say something that gives my ignorance away, like thinking Tom Brady is the quarterback of the Steelers. My mistakes immediately make me look like a poser, which, unfortunately, I am.” Boys also hit on girls and/or act tough when it’s really not in their character to act out so brazenly. Tim said, “Sometimes I act all cool and say something to a girl just to look like I’m tough and don’t give a damn. Yesterday, a girl in one of my classes asked me to help her after school, and I laughed in her face. If I was alone and not surrounded by my friends, I would have been much nicer.”
Teens who don’t fit in suffer. Peer groups can torment girls through indirect aggression and exclusion and can exclude boys from social groups and make them feel they aren’t cool enough. You can’t protect your teens fully from this cruelty and rejection; however, you can help to create opportunities for them to develop success in other spheres. Ask yourself whether your teen is really different or playing an outsider role for protection.
Even if your daughter looks and acts the part of a girl who fits in, sometimes you have to look deeper, because she may not feel that she fits in. This is where a parent’s awareness can make a difference for a daughter and, ultimately, how she defines herself. Stacey, a 52-year-old mother, said, “I never thought of myself as not fitting in. I was a cheerleader in high school, was popular and got good grades, but some things bored me that other girls enjoyed. I had more interest in carpentry than cooking and have always noted that if you knit, sew, and build but don’t cook, other women always comment on your lack of skills.”
Sixteen-year-old Nicole, dressed in black from head to toe with shoe-polish hair, combat boots, and blood-red lipstick, said, “I’m not one of those petite, squeaky clean, kiss-ass girlie girls. This is who I am, like it or leave it.” Her mother said,
Really, who is Nicole? Is she Goth because she doesn’t fit it, or doesn’t she fit in because she’s Goth? I’m not clear, and I worry that Nicole has created this persona in her own defense.
Nicole’s way of rebelling forces her to the opposite side of the spectrum. I just want her to know who she is, because being Goth gives her the false illusion of choosing whether she is in the popular group or not. Nicole’s defense is that she thinks she has rejected the popular kids, and I’m not sure she really believes that. She has chosen an extreme persona, and really, Nicole just wants to feel like she’s the one in control.
Psychologist Susan Mikesell says, “If you can pass as a successful girl, your feelings of being an outsider might be hidden, even from yourself” (personal communication, April 15, 2004). Nicole’s mom continued, “Because I have had so little interest in traditional women’s tasks, I’ve labeled myself as ‘lazy,’ a tag I’ve carried for a very long time. Only recently have I learned that I wasn’t lazy, I was just different. Now I appreciate my skills in a nonpejorative way.”
Seventeen-year-old Lucy shared another perspective on the issue:
I wish my mother could have helped me to appreciate my own talents, but how could she? Imagine! She could play golf like a pro and build furniture, but her lack of ability in the kitchen, including storing the napkins in the oven, was the subject of many family jokes. With my own daughter, I feel I have an opportunity not only to give her permission to stretch out of the boundaries of what “traditional” women have an interest in and are supposed to be good at, but also not to judge herself negatively if she doesn’t choose to excel in traditional women’s roles and work.
As parents, we have to help our kids to choose what is right for them. Most important, we must support their decisions so they don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. We must try to be very sensitive when choosing words to describe differences and must avoid harmful judgment.
When kids feel they are a missed-fit, the school can sometimes be helpful. The parents are really in a better position to help their child, but it is the school’s responsibility to make sure your teens are not harassed or bullied at school because of their difference. Addressing teens’ sense of difference has two parts: helping teens find a place for themselves and helping them feel good about themselves. Many teens become frustrated and angry when their parents, peers, school, or society do not support them because of their difference. Ali, now 15, was happy with who she was until her friends started to exclude her in middle school. When she would go to the mall with a friend, Ali could tell that her friend was ashamed to be seen with her, because her friend had joined the “girlie” pack. The friend would tell Ali to pretend she didn’t know her if they ran into other girls from school.
At 13, Ali was feeling so ostracized that she couldn’t stomach the image of Barbie. Barbie represented all that she was not; weight was an issue for Ali, along with looking a certain way so she would fit in. One day she set her Barbie doll on fire on the front lawn of her house. Ali called attention to herself by doing extreme things. She saw herself as the “weird girl” and acted out the role well over the top. Her relationship with her parents was strained. Although they were supportive of her individual traits and strengths, in their effort to tell her to try to fit in and “act normal,” they gave her a strong message that she was not normal, not OK, and a disappointment to them. This only reinforced her extreme behavior and her belief that she was odd. Their expectations created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
As a result, Ali doesn’t have a secure sense of self, which causes her to establish new relationships too quickly with people who ultimately tire and disappoint her. Her identity is built around calling attention to herself by saying things such as, “You remember me: I’m the weirdo, the one who threw herself on the gym floor at the school dance.” The label “weirdo” has given her an identity and entitles her to act out. Unfortunately, as a result of this behavior, she feels alienated rather than empowered.
Ali has pulled away from her parents and is doing poorly in school. Her parents went to the school counselor, who recommended a summer wilderness program for her to gain confidence. At the camp, Ali lost weight, found a place for herself, and gained confidence. Her parents are pleased and tell her how good she looks. So why isn’t this a slam-dunk success story?
Losing weight and changing one’s appearance create a dilemma. Ali’s mom is proud of her daughter’s changes and tells Ali that she looks good. Ali is getting the message that people enjoy and accept her more. The dilemma is that she feels better and looks good, but only because she now fits into the mold she fought so hard to reject. Ali’s parents are so relieved to see their daughter fit in better that they neglect to appreciate her need to develop an identity as someone other than the weird girl who lost weight. They could help her grow by understanding why many of her feelings make sense and by validating them. With appropriate help, Ali can use her parents’ support to build an inner core and present herself in an authentic way, rather than in opposition to other girls (because she doesn’t fit in), which results in her being the odd or weird kid. Ali needs to value and continue to work on her real qualities and to verbalize her hurt.
This anecdote is an example of how much more difficult the passage to adulthood is when parents, in spite of their commitment to their children and desire to see them be happy, don’t give them the validation they need the most. In many instances, parents may not have the skills needed to help their teens. If you find yourself struggling with the problems that interfere with your teen’s happiness and ability to belong, you should seek professional guidance for added support. This guidance may be as simple as going to the school counselor, seeking parenting education information, or talking with friends you think have wisdom to share. The school was able to help Ali’s parents find a camp where she was able to lose weight comfortably and fit in better, but that was just half of the solution. Her parents then had to work with Ali to help her to feel good about herself, totally apart from the weight issue.
Your job is to teach your teens the value of who they are and to highlight what is special about them. Teens who learn to like themselves because of who they are have a much better chance of attracting friends who also appreciate them for who they are. Having a few soul mates is all any of us needs. Every teen has talents and unique qualities; if you recognize these traits in your teens, you can help them feel good about themselves. Much of teenage conduct is really a search for self. Even if teens struggle in their peer group, they can get through this period with appropriate parental and other adult support.
One very traditional mother, who still matches her shoes and purse, shared the story of her son, who was a very edgy teenager. Their differences created a potentially toxic combination. Jordan dyed his hair purple and had multiple piercings and “thought” tattoos. At first she thought she wouldn’t survive this period, because her son seemed so strange. But with help from friends and a therapist, she learned to appreciate her son’s numerous talents. He was a good writer, did community service, and was respectful and kind. Once Jordan’s parents gained this insight and recognized his assets rather than being put off by his rebellion, they could grow as parents. They were able to give him authentic validation, which in turn allowed Jordan to use his independence in a positive way. The mother survived, and Jordan thrived.
His mother said, “I look at Jordan with awe. After he dropped out of college freshman year, we made him pay for the credits he missed. Jordan moved back home to make enough money to get an apartment. Once he had a steady job, he moved out and went back to college part-time. Jordan just graduated college at 25. I have no doubts that he can succeed, and by the way, his hair is back to its original color.” This story demonstrates that when you support your teens, regardless of how different they are from you, they can develop into competent and self-confident adults. As always, looks are very deceiving.
Flirting with Danger: Sexual Harassment at School
Sexual harassment affects all students (Hill & Kearl, 2011). It often starts in elementary school with teasing or other inappropriate remarks regarding another’s body as well as bullying and playground roughhousing. Gendered harassment is any unwanted behavior that reinforces traditional heterosexual gender norms and includes taunts related to gender stereotypes, homosexuality, and gender nonconformity. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) students experience more sexual harassment and bullying than do heterosexual students (79 percent versus 50 percent) (Poteat et al., 2012). Often perceived as “normal” adolescent behavior, sexual harassment persists as a social problem. Such behavior may even set the stage for date or acquaintance rape or physical and emotional abuse—all of which center around the power of one person over another. Parents and school officials cannot afford to ignore signals of distress or deny these issues altogether, and complaints must be pursued with vigilance.
The American Association of University Women’s 2011 study of sexual harassment in schools, “Crossing the Line” (Hill and Kearl, 2011), revealed that sexual harassment is part of everyday life in middle and high school. Nearly half (48 percent) of the students surveyed said they had experienced some form of sexual harassment, and the majority of them (86 percent) said it had a negative effect on them. Girls were more likely to be targets of harassment (56 percent of girls versus 40 percent of boys), and the harassment they experienced was more physical and invasive. As a result of the harassment, 22 percent of girls and 14 percent of boys had trouble sleeping, 37 percent of girls and 25 percent of boys didn’t want to go to school, and 10 percent of girls and 6 percent of boys wanted to change the way they went to or from school.
Not only is it problematic in the long run to enable behavior that routinely involves disrespect for other people’s bodies and words, but the real and tangible negative effects are ignored and minimized. It’s common for kids who have experienced sexual harassment—call it whatever you want—to hear, “It’s not a big deal,” and to be told that they shouldn’t be “so sensitive.” This minimizes what they are experiencing, denies their reality, and teaches them that what they think and feel doesn’t matter.
Though schools have policies against it, sexual harassment remains an all-too-common problem. While students say they are aware of school policies dealing with sexual harassment, increased awareness has not translated into school practice. Kara, a middle-school girl, said, “Policies just don’t stick.” Policies don’t stick because they are often implemented inequitably, unfairly, or not at all. Parents and educators need to do a better job of educating students about what is and isn’t appropriate school behavior. Schools have to do a better job of establishing and implementing practices and procedures that are accessible for students, parents, and staff. For these policies to stick, training of staff and students has to be ongoing, and parents need to be engaged in this process.
In simplest terms, sexual harassment is deliberate and/or repeated sexual or sex-based behavior that is not welcome and is not asked for. It may take any of the following forms:
Physical, such as unwelcome touching or interference with movement
Verbal, such as epithets, derogatory comments or slurs, sexual gossip, pressure for dates, and/or sexual activity
Visual, such as displaying derogatory cartoons, drawings, posters, or media messages
A hostile environment usually involves a series of incidents that poison the environment by creating an offensive, intimidating climate that interferes with work performance and academic achievement. Consider the following examples.
Victoria, a seventh-grader, went to the counselor’s office in tears. She said Anthony, an eighth-grader, would wait for her in the cafeteria each day. He persisted in standing behind her, patting her backside, and asking her personal questions. Anthony would ask, “Are you still a virgin?” and, “How would you like to do it with me for your first time?” Some of Victoria’s friends thought she should be flattered by the attention. After all, Anthony was good-looking, bright, and popular. In spite of what her friends said, Victoria was intimidated by his attention.
In a suburban middle school, during the time when students are moving from one class to another, several male students seem to make a point of brushing up against female students and making physical contact. Occasionally, an angry female student will report the incident. When this happens, male students criticize their accuser for being a poor sport or say she’s making a big deal out of it.
During lunch at another school, female students walk down the hallway to their lockers. Male students frequently congregate along the hallway and make comments about the girls’ appearance as they pass. They rate the girls on a scale of 1 to 10.
A teacher shared the following story that took place in her high school U.S. history class:
I called on one of the female students to answer a question. Just as she began to speak, she slammed her hand down on her desk, turned around to face the male student sitting behind her, and shouted, “Stop that! Don’t say things right behind my head so I can’t think and can’t answer the question!” He said, “I didn’t say anything.” She answered, “You always say terrible things just behind my head so the teacher can’t tell that you’re doing it.”
I moved the male student to the one vacant seat in the front of the room for the rest of the period and talked with him after class. I began to pay more attention to spacing out the desks just before the start of class and watched to see whether this behavior could be occurring in other classes. I did notice and stop other instances of distracting or harassing a student who is trying to formulate an answer to a question. The students seemed shocked that I noticed, and the harassers were so surprised that they couldn’t even come up with words to deny that they were doing anything wrong. Until the one brave female student made me aware of this type of harassment, I had not been aware that it was taking place!
Girls also can be harassers. One parent shared the following incident involving her son:
Luis recently transferred to a new high school. He passed through the art corridor, a favorite hangout of the older girls. Brooke and her friends, Leticia and Maria, ranked Luis as he passed by. Luis overheard Brooke say, “Can’t wait to undress you,” while Leticia patted Luis’s butt and commented, “Nice butt. Can I photograph you for my project?” Maria laughed the whole time, and other students who were nearby, both male and female, started coming closer to see and hear what was going on. Luis mumbled something under his breath and quickly continued down the hall. He was mortified and avoided that area whenever possible.
At first, I told Luis that this was just part of high school life and not to take it personally. But after repeated incidents, I went to the counselor. Luis didn’t want to get the kids in trouble. As a new kid in school, he knew that would be the end of him. The counselor helped Luis practice various responses to the harassment. After a while, it worked, but I’m sure the girls went on to torment other victims.
Boys harass other boys as well. A friend’s son played the trombone, and other boys at the back of the school bus harassed him for having such a big instrument. The mom ended up driving him to school, which didn’t take any action against the other kids. Another mother observed, “My son likes to express himself in his clothes. He’s very flamboyant and has to put up with a lot of negative reactions and horrible teasing whenever he veers from the standard boy fare.” Fifteen-year-old Jack said, “I work hard in school. I come prepared and like to participate in class. But lately I’ve stopped raising my hand so much because other boys call me Mr. Suck-up.” As a result, Jack isn’t participating in his classes and is feeling insecure about how he should be behave to be more accepted by his peers.
If your teens are courageous enough to tell you about incidents that cause them intense pain or embarrassment, you should not dismiss the behavior as “boys will be boys” or “girls will be girls.” If you trivialize such incidents—or actually condone them—girls and boys learn to mistrust adults and the environments that should protect them.
Date Rape: Out-of-School Harassment
If date rape is difficult for adults to define, then it is even harder for young people, who are just beginning to understand the complexities of sexual relationships. According to a study released in 2013, one in three youths aged 14–20 has been the victim of dating violence, and almost one in three admits he or she has committed an act of sexual violence (American Psychological Association, 2013). The most instructive finding, however, was that children who engage in these behaviors feel no sense of responsibility for their actions. This makes sense, since one of the defining characteristics of people who abuse other people is a sense of entitlement. In a society with media messages saturated with violence and sexuality, predominantly against women, we fail to cultivate empathy and accountability in boys.
Although schools cannot control what happens to students outside of school, these institutions and the courts are grappling with schools’ responsibility for off-campus but school-related activities. Parents and educators can help boys and girls understand that date rape is a form of violence against girls and women, rather than minimizing the violence or making excuses for the perpetrator. Educators should promote a school climate based on respect and dignity, and parents must model that behavior for their children and expect them to behave accordingly.
At a minimum, schools must inform parents and students about the school district’s sexual harassment policy and codes for student conduct. They should also indicate the proper person(s) in the school with whom to talk if parents suspect their children are being harassed. It is important to acknowledge that, in many cases, harassers engage in behaviors that they never learned were inappropriate. Stereotypical images of men and women perpetuate interactions that normalize conflict with the other sex and as within the same sex, particularly if the boy or girl “doesn’t fit in” or doesn’t meet traditional stereotypes.
By the time children have reached the teen years, sexist attitudes are well embedded. Societal myths tell teenage boys what is expected of them: to be macho, in control, dominant, and aggressive. Too often, males think that females want constant sexual attention and that conquering a female is necessary to build the male ego. Females are considered to be sex objects (if you have any doubts about that, check out the teenage pornographic websites that creep into your computers) and are encouraged to believe that males can’t help themselves and their libidos are out of control. Or girls who are not wanted—romantically or sexually—by boys don’t feel good about themselves. These sexist attitudes encourage sexual harassment.
It is in everyone’s best interests to help our children develop healthy attitudes about personal boundaries and sexuality, and to intervene when we see inappropriate behavior at home and school. When children are little, they have to learn to respect other people’s boundaries and listen to their words. The younger the better, because the consequences get more serious as children get older. All children need to learn what unwanted touching is, how not to do it, and to trust their instincts when they are the targets of it. That starts with habits at home and is reinforced by practices in schools.
By intervening, we can support both the perpetrator(s) and the victim(s). Parents and schools have to work together to eliminate sexual harassment. Talking to children about bodily integrity, autonomy, consent, and other people’s rights cannot happen in schools in a vacuum. And conversations like these aren’t happening enough in homes. The harm caused by sexual harassment and abuse doesn’t end with high school graduation. Young women and men take their experiences to college campuses and the workplace, where the detrimental effects of sexual harassment continue to take a toll. On college campuses and in the workplace, sexual harassment litigation costs millions of dollars each year. Unless we stop such harassment in our schools and create a consensus early on that this behavior is wrong, our children will pay for this conduct as they grow up. Unless we talk to our children about these issues, you can be sure of one thing: if we do not talk to children about their bodies, their boundaries, and their rights, sexual harassment will continue to be pervasive.
Creating a Positive and Powerful Learning Environment
A supportive learning environment is fair, with high expectations for both behavioral and academic success. All children should feel safe to learn in school, and they should be able to achieve according to their potential. Teachers who are evenhanded and consistent in classroom management are preparing students for educational accomplishments. When teachers are not fair, students will know it, feel it, and challenge it. Students may react with thoughts like “You never call on her” and “You’re always hassling him.” Teachers must make sure that curriculum and instructional practices are free from bias, parents must encourage their teens and be involved in their education, and schools and parents have a responsibility to make this happen. They must intervene when they see disruptive and/or destructive behavior. However, when parents and educators do step in, they must be tuned in to teenage social dynamics, and parents must grasp the reality of their teens’ fears and emotions.
Children respond positively to high expectations and challenges. Some children work better in certain learning environments, whether a highly structured program or a single-sex classroom or school. For middle school girls and boys, the safe environment of single-sex classes can be critical to their identity development. The downside of single-sex education is the lack of a comprehensive social education.
New reports on single-sex education indicate that a “good” education fosters student achievement regardless of whether girls and boys learn separately or together. A “good” education includes small classes and schools, a focused and rigorous academic curriculum, controlled and disciplined environments, and gender-affirming instruction. Teacher training and positive classroom climates are keys to eliminating sex role stereotyping in both single-sex and coeducational programs. Although all-girl or all-boy classes are being studied within coeducational learning environments, school districts are cautioned against setting up separate classes or programs for girls and boys, because they may face almost immediate government scrutiny or legal challenges (Bohm, 2012).
Single-sex education is evidence of the fact that public schools, which more than 90 percent of our children attend, are unable to establish and maintain effective coeducational, bias-free environments. While single-sex education may address the academic concerns of some teens, we don’t assume that they would resolve the greater social issues. They can send a message that some teens need special attention, which can undermine rather than be empowering. In addition, according to Galen Sherwin, a senior staff attorney with the ACLU Women’s Rights Project, “There is no solid evidence supporting the assertions about supposed differences between boys’ and girls’ brains that underlie these programs, and there is absolutely no evidence that teaching boys and girls differently leads to any educational improvements” (Sherwin, 2014).
A study published in the American Psychological Association’s journal Psychological Bulletin looked at the effectiveness of single-sex education on a global level. According to the APA’s analysis of 184 studies and more than 1.6 million students worldwide, single-sex education is unlikely to offer an advantage over co-ed schools (Pahlke, et al., 2014). Janet Shibley Hyde of the University of Wisconsin–Madison presented her findings in a February 3, 2013, APA press release. “Proponents of single-sex schools argue that separating boys and girls increases students’ achievement and academic interest,” Hyde says. “Our comprehensive analysis of the data shows that these advantages are trivial and, in many cases, nonexistent” American Psychological Association, 2014).
The real issue is what should go on in the classroom. If it works in single-sex classes, why not use it in mixed classes? Charter schools, magnet school programs, and International Baccalaureate (IB) programs offer other options. Teens and their parents are happy they have choices.
Sports and other team experiences (science and other academic competitions) provide great experiences for developing the confidence of boys and girls. The skills that teens develop as a result of participating in team activities are undeniable. Sons and daughters, teachers, coaches, and parents see teens who participate in these activities as becoming more goal-oriented, increasing teamwork, being unafraid of competition, feeling courageous, developing persistence, having integrity as a result of learning to make a commitment and keep it, and becoming resilient. These are all character traits that we want our children to have and that encourage academic achievement.
Culturally responsive schools value and respect all cultures, thus strengthening our communities. This involves culturally responsive professional development, discussions about race and culture, male role models and mentors, and strong partnerships with parents. Building a culturally sensitive school provides a better opportunity for teens to gain the necessary coping strategies and academic skills to invest in school and their future.
Parents should make it clear that they expect dedication and maximum effort from their teens in all endeavors. At the same time, they should avoid putting unnecessary pressure on their children by keeping in mind that effort and accomplishment go hand-in-hand. Of course, for a child with special needs or learning disabilities, definitions of effort and accomplishment are somewhat different. For all students, we have to be mindful of acknowledging the quality of effort as well as the outcome.
In a piece discussing the importance of the SATs for getting into college, Jay Matthews, education reporter for the Washington Post, reminds us, “At big-name colleges, extracurricular activities (no more than two great ones, not a lot of little ones), teacher recommendations and essays make the difference, in descending order of importance” (Matthews, 2014). He goes on to recommend that students take the most challenging high school courses they can handle, get deeply involved in one or two activities, and get to know one or two teachers very well. “Students who pay attention in class and do their homework will get into fine colleges,” he says. “They will discover that success in life, as the research shows, has little to do with the SAT average of one’s alma mater. It’s what you learn and how hard you work, not what you score that counts.” A student’s selection of colleges and performance in school require another shift in parenting. It is the time for them to take personal responsibility for their emerging adult lives.