Chapter 16
Mission Impossible
Dealing with Obstacles, Fear, and Imposter Syndrome
What Everyone Is Thinking
I'm afraid that I'm not good enough.
If you are human, you will be afraid sometimes. If you are a leader, you will be attacked and challenged sometimes. At times your job will feel so ugly and impossible that you think you will surely fail. In my experience, the bigger the job, the harder it gets because as you move higher, there is less clarity of expectations, less support from your direct manager, less feedback, and higher stakes. There is also much more competition for budget, people, and charter.
That brings us to Part 3: V = Valor because leadership is hard. That's why you need Valor to progress through the long Middle.
Welcome to Being a Leader
I can remember feeling at various points in my career that the mission just didn't make sense, or that it was unsupported. I felt like I was out on a limb owning all of the risk, and with not enough resources to succeed. Or I felt like the corporate bureaucracy, the board, or another group or particular adversary was blocking me (or sabotaging me) from doing the right things that I knew needed to be done. Or I would get a directive that didn't make any sense like, “You must cut costs by 50 percent but you can not make any cuts to the biggest program.”
As a leader, this unreasonable, soul-crushing stuff is just part of the job description. There are always big, ugly, seemingly impossible problems, annoying people, and exhausting obstacles in the way of getting your job done. And when you are leading, by definition you are going to a place where others aren't. You are embarking on new territory, which can be scary and lonely.
Think of Valor in this way:
Once you embrace the fact that your job = your job description plus all the crap that gets in the way of delivering on your job description…you will feel (and be) in a lot more in control.
I coach a lot of senior executives and with pretty much everyone we reach a point where I tell them, “You'll be better off if you start your thinking with this: Everything is impossible and everyone is a shark. That's just the way it is. And it's your job to deal with that.” Usually that makes people feel better because they can let go of the idea that it is about them personally, and they can step back, see the problem more clearly, and treat it like any other challenge.
If you can get your head around the fact that everything is supposed to be hard or nearly impossible, and that you are likely to be swimming with predators, you can start using the same talents and energy that you use to solve sensible business problems to address these personal challenges too. It's possible to treat this type of obstacle like any other project or program and get busy working to overcome it.
If instead you spend energy thinking, But this is totally unreasonable and others are out to get me, that line of thinking (while it might be true) doesn't give you an action plan to deal with it. Waiting for the rest of the world to get reasonable is a bad strategy because it doesn't happen. As a leader you need to accept this and get to work. Or don't be a leader. Sorry. But it's true.
It's not always quite this brutal. Sometimes it feels more like: My hard work is not recognized, appreciated, or valued. No one gives me feedback. No one cares about me. But if you are a leader, at any level, if it feels hard, it is more a sign that you are doing it right than it is a sign that you are doing it wrong.
Four Things That Will Help You Feel Less Crazy and Stressed
1. It's Okay to Be Scared
First and foremost, I think it's important to say loud and clear that it is okay to be scared.
Everyone is scared.
Every time I took a step forward, started a big new project, or got a big promotion, I was scared. And it was okay. If you are a human, you are going to be scared…unless you are a psychopath who has no ability to feel anything. Those are your two choices: scared or psychopath.
Know that everybody is bluffing, at least sometimes. Everyone has moments in their careers when they feel like a fraud or an imposter. It's not just you.
If you feel scared it's because you are challenging yourself and progressing, not because you are not good enough.
One of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Gilbert, describes how she manages her fear in a way that I find incredibly useful. She realized that her fear was never going to go away. So she instead made friends with it. When she needed to face a big challenge, her fear would show up on cue to try and stop her. Instead of trying to deny her fear, or eliminate it, or be paralyzed by it, she would say something like, “Hey fear, it's you again. You are welcome to come along, but you have to sit in the back seat—and you don't get to talk—and you absolutely don't get to drive.”
Don't worry that your fear is there. Just accept it and invite it along for the ride. Once you make your fear welcome, it has far less power to stop you from doing things.
As leaders, we need to accept our fear and deal with it in a positive way that lets us move forward. When leaders instead let their fear drive, I see two damaging things happen. One is that the person's fear will cause them to disqualify themselves when they shouldn't, and the other is that unmanaged fear will cause them to treat others badly.
Fear Problem #1: Don't Disqualify Yourself
You think, That's a great opportunity, but I am not ready for it because it seems so big and scary. And because I'm scared, that must mean I'm not qualified. If I was qualified, I wouldn't be scared. Wrong. Scared does not equal not qualified.
Everyone would be scared by this opportunity. In reality, the people who decide to go for that big opportunity are also scared. The only difference is that they do it anyway.
No matter how much you achieve, as soon as you take on the next challenge, it's scary again, and the voice inside your head starts shouting “Imposter! You are not competent enough! You will be found out!” This feeling never goes away.
Don't let that voice stop you from doing the things you need to do and want to do as a leader and in your life. Sometimes you just need to step forward, take a leap, and trust yourself. You are a smart and capable person, and you will learn the unknown, intimidating stuff as you go. It's okay to be scared, but sometimes when you are scared you need to do it anyway. That is a big part of Valor.
Fear Problem #2: Treating Others Badly
I think so much of the dysfunction in business is rooted in leaders being scared and insecure. When leaders are scared and insecure, they can resort to micromanaging; become bullies; withdraw from honest, unstructured communication; refuse to hire or support really smart people…the list goes on and on.
It's so important to accept your fear and deal with it in a positive and productive way so that it does not cause you to either sabotage or disqualify yourself or treat others badly.
2. Do What Is True for You
In my own career my fear manifested itself for years as insecurity about my young age. I wasted so much time and energy making sure that no one found out how young I was. When I became a general manager for the first time at age 33, I was deeply invested in my fear of being too young and the associated imposter syndrome of getting such a big job at that age. Surely someone was going to find out how young I was and say, “You are not allowed to have this job!”
Also at times I was in very male-dominated and/or very technology-dominated environments. I was told I was not technical enough, and through words and dismissive behaviors, that I was not [man enough] or welcome. I was just this young woman who did not deserve a seat at the table.
Before I started my first GM job, I got some advice from an executive coach, an HR manager, and a media coach. They all told me the same thing: “Patty, give up this older act. You are actually much more credible and powerful when you allow yourself to be your true self. When you are too tired to keep up this facade, the real you that comes through is actually much more powerful than this more serious, pretend-to-be-older business person you are trying to be.” I see many executives make this same mistake of thinking that to build credibility, their real self is actually not good enough in some way, so they decide to project a more executive-like persona. But the problem is that this persona ends up being a false one. And you simply can't build as much credibility, confidence, and trust if you are being false, no matter how much better you think your managed identity is than your real self.
So when I started in my new GM role, I did exactly what they suggested. I was myself. I didn't broadcast how old I was, but I didn't hide it either. I led with my strengths, and I let my full personality shine through. I had unstructured conversations with all of my direct reports and people in my organization without fear that they would “find me out.” The result was great.
It was really scary to let go of my managed, older persona at first because I felt like exposing the real me left me, well, exposed. But what I realized is that by showing up as my authentic self, I earned credibility and respect far more quickly than ever before. No one made an issue of my age. Ever. It was such a more impactful way to behave, and it required far less energy.
People can see authentic—and it is a powerful thing. You are always your most powerful when you are being authentic. You can't fake being authentic!
Think about the people you see and interact with. When someone is being authentic, you can tell. You notice it. It's like a certain kind of light is shining. It's obvious. It's inspiring. Being authentic as you show up each day throughout the Middle is so important for others because it also builds tremendous confidence and trust. Trust is a necessary enabler to keep everyone moving forward. See also Chapter 28: Power and Trust.
Find a Core Truth to Confront a Challenge or Attack
When you are in a challenging situation and you feel scared, your authentic self can come to the rescue here too. Your best strategy to confront a difficult challenge or attack that is making you feel really scared, insecure, or uncomfortable is to find a place of core truth to operate from. As soon as you do you will feel more powerful, more effective, and less nervous. You will be supporting yourself instead of judging or criticizing yourself. You will think, Because I really believe this, I know this to be true, I know this is right for me—if I start from here, it will be okay.
When everything feels impossible and everyone seems like a shark, instead of getting nervous or frustrated, assert yourself—your true self. And that comfort will turn into confidence that will allow you to show up with strength. Whenever I talk to a leader about the toughest times in their careers and how they dealt with it, it always comes back to them finding something that was true for them, and using that to regain their footing, and ultimately their confidence and success.
For example, when I was being dismissed as not being technical enough, instead of being defensive about it and trying to find a way to be, or to project being more technical, I decided to stay true to myself. The environment was loaded with highly technical people. So I said, “You are quite right, I am not as technical as you. But the last thing you need here is another one of you! There are enough technical people here. You need me to be here and to be different than you. You need someone with strategic business thinking skills and sales and marketing experience—someone like me to bring your technology into the world in a way that people will buy it. You don't want or need me to be more technical. You need me to be what I am and to do what I do.” That was a place of truth for me where I could feel stronger and less defensive. I immediately felt better. They not immediately, but eventually, backed off and came to appreciate my different, authentic contribution.
3. Use Mentors and Experts
I can't imagine trying to survive any leadership role without mentors. To me it's like attempting to climb Mt. Everest without a Sherpa and a guide. Sure you could try. But why on Earth would you?
When I felt really stuck, I was always so grateful to have mentors I could go to who cared about me, and who could help me see the things I wasn't seeing and find a way forward. Mentors are so necessary, not only to ask for help when you need it, but also to point out your blind spots—the things that can kill you and you didn't even see coming. I've written extensively about mentors on my blog and in my first book RISE. As a leader, it's vital that you have at least one mentor who is 10 to 15 years your senior who sees all of your biggest, soul crushing problems as “been there, done that, got the T-shirt,” and can tell you about the important things you don't know about yet.
The Accidental Expert
Another downfall I see that fear causes among leaders is that it makes them afraid to ask for help. Asking for help does not make you appear weak; it actually makes you more credible…because you get help! You get smarter. And the people who help you see you getting smarter because they can see you learning from them.
It's always important to remember that the most successful people are the ones who get the most help.
One of my favorite examples of this is when, early into my first general management role, my team had identified a significant gap in our product offering, and the recommendation was that we acquire a technology from another company to fill the gap. Although I totally understood and agreed with the business and technical rationale for this, I had not the faintest idea of how to do a deal like this.
We were not just buying the product or setting up a partnership; we wanted to acquire the technology outright. This was a deal that was going to include things like stock warrants and term sheets and lawyers. (Honestly, at the time I did not even know what a warrant or a term sheet was!) I went through something like the phases of grief:
- #1. I'm going to get fired…
- My first thought was panic…game over—I'm going to get found out. I'm going to get fired. I'm too young. I don't have enough experience. A general manager should know how to do this. All of my peers are making deals like this. Once people find out I don't know how to do this, I'm going to get fired because I don't deserve to be a general manager.
- #2. Get a grip
- After a few hours of panicking, I came to my senses and thought, “Patty, you work for a big company. Surely there is someone here who knows how to do this! Go get help.”
- #3. Ask the experts
- After a couple of phone calls, I made my way to the corporate development department—and they were so glad I showed up! I described the business situation, and before I knew it, I had a team of experts educating me about what I needed to know. They gave me a list of questions and negotiating points to ask the CEO of the target company, and they created a term sheet for me. (And they told me what a term sheet was!)
- I sheepishly took my brand-new knowledge and stack of agreements and proposals into the meeting with the CEO. I followed the script exactly. We made a deal.
- (Just as an aside, in this very scary situation, the truth I found for myself that let me move forward, as we discussed previously, was this: I know that I can get help and learn fast. I don't need to know everything. I can trust myself to do something new and difficult as long as I get help with the content.)
The Real Punchline of This Story
The punchline of the story is that as a result of that deal, I became known as the best dealmaker in the group.
How ridiculous is that? Going from thinking I am going to get fired for something I don't know how to do, to being known as the person who is the best at it—in one step! It turned out that while my peers where all wheeling and dealing on their own, as smart and impressive and intimidating as they looked to me, they were making bad deals for the company. My deal was accretive. It didn't expose us in any unnecessary way. It had back outs. It had upsides. It was a good deal.
One important lesson I took from this was a reinforcement of something I strongly believe—never fail alone. There is always someone to ask for help. Never let your ego get in the way of asking for help.
But the big, life-changing “aha” moment for me was this: I can be even more successful doing something that I don't know how to do than doing something I do know how to do because if I know how to do it, I'll be inclined to just do it myself. So I'll be limited to my own knowledge. But if I don't know how to do it, I will ask for help and get the benefit of experts!
So Why Not Always Ask the Experts for Help?
Asking for help when you feel like you need it is always a great thing to do. But asking for help from experts even when you don't feel like you need it can make the difference between simply getting something done and creating huge success. Since this time, I have forced myself to create a new habit of always seeking input from smart people and experts. It's always worth getting smarter! And you may become an accidental expert like I did, when you make it a habit of learning from the best.
4. The Parallel Universe Exercise
When I find myself feeling very discouraged and out of moves, in an “everything is impossible and everyone is a shark” situation, I do what I refer to as my “parallel universe” thought exercise. I imagine that a parallel universe exists that replicates the same situation exactly.
In that universe, all the same problems and pressures are there. All the same people are there. Everything about the situation is exactly the same—except there is a version of me in that parallel universe that is better and more capable than me in every conceivable way. The parallel universe Patty is smarter. She is a faster thinker, better problem solver, better negotiator, better communicator, and better networker. She is more experienced, kinder, braver, and has better hair.
The parallel universe Patty always has more energy than I do to keep fighting, and offers a new angle to try. So next time you feel thoroughly discouraged and stuck, ask yourself, In a parallel universe, that is exactly the same as this, but has a better version of me: What would that better version of me do? The “Patty with the better hair” always instructs me to step up and be better and braver in some specific way that will help.
The parallel universe Patty has never failed to help me come up with an idea to get un-stuck, feel less victimized, and start moving forward. She always provides new and better thinking. She encourages me to try stuff. She shows me how to be braver. She shows me Valor.
It's Hard to Stick to a Transformation Through the Long Middle
As you read the next chapters in Part 3: V = Valor, think about your personal leadership strategy and use these ideas as tools to develop your confidence. Keep your transformation on track by being very consistent and helping your team deal with their own fear, doubts, and skepticism.
The Middle is hard. It's scary. People will fight you either outwardly or with passive aggressive inaction. Expect it.
Use these tools to stick to your strategic program through the Middle when the tactical pressures of the moment and the current workload become overwhelming. Use these tools when the old way of doing things starts to pull everyone back, and you are tempted to second-guess your strategic investment or give up.
It's okay to be scared. That's why you need Valor.