What to Expect on the Path to Recovery
In This Chapter
- A peek into your journey to reduced anxiety
- How to anchor your values
- The secrets of staying power
- Develop a winning attitude in the contest against anxiety
As a young girl, Eleanor Roosevelt developed a terror of water after the steamship she was traveling on was involved in a mid-sea collision with another vessel. She and her father barely managed to get in the same lifeboat. Afterward, she refused to go on another boat trip and, as a result of her fear, never learned to swim.
After her husband contracted polio, he could no longer play as actively with their children. Eleanor found herself taking over many parenting tasks—and, once again, came face to face with her water phobia. This time, though, she wasn’t willing to give in to it. Out of her love for her children, Eleanor also found the motivation, and the strength, to break free of her phobia. She took swimming lessons and gradually became comfortable in the water. In fact, overcoming her fear of water gave her so much courage that she decided to conquer another personal challenge: she learned to drive.
Eleanor’s motivation didn’t make her fears go away. Instead, Eleanor found her way through her fear. In fact, her lifelong motto became, “You must look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
Tackling anxiety, whether it’s a temporary state of mind or a chronic problem, is a journey. It’s common for us to feel afraid, to have ups and downs, and, at times, to have to do things that are the opposite of what our instincts tell us. To keep ourselves on the path to freedom, let’s explore what to expect and how we can overcome our initial fears, rally our motivation, gain momentum, and bounce back when things don’t go as we planned.
Values
Anxiety and worry drain our energy and sap our motivation. So how do we muster the strength to take it on when it’s already taking its toll? How do people ever make changes? These are important questions.
Identifying and focusing on our values can be one source of strength and motivation. A value is a belief, a mission, or a philosophy that is important to us (e.g., hard work, independence, or concern for others). These serve as the inspiration for our goals; if honesty is a value, for instance, I probably won’t aspire to be a con artist. A concern for others might lead me to do volunteer work or choose a helping profession.
We’re happiest when the way we live our lives is consistent with our core values. Unfortunately, anxiety, worry, and fear can keep us from doing so by either tempting us to avoid activities that would fulfill our values or by leading us to do things that are contradictory to how we would like to be. If Eleanor Roosevelt had let it, her fear of water could have prevented her from being the courageous, involved parent she wanted to be. A person with extreme social anxiety might find herself lying at the last minute to get out of a work talk, violating her personal values of honesty and keeping commitments.
MYTH BUSTER
“Change is just a question of willpower.” Not always. Determination is key, but we also need the skills and the resources.
Core values can help us stay committed to conquering our anxiety by keeping the “big picture” in mind. This gives us something to move toward in the struggle to master our fear. It can also help us tolerate temporary discomfort by keeping in mind the payoff at the end of the road, much like an expectant mom is willing to go through labor pains to get that bundle of joy.
So what are your personal values? What core beliefs form the bedrock of who you are? What’s your basic philosophy or personal mission statement?
Consider some of the following values, and determine which of these are most important to you.
Adventure
Calm, quietude, peace
Commitment
Communication
Community
Concern for others
Creativity
Discovery
Faith
Family
Friendship
Fun
Goodness
Gratitude
Hard work
Harmony
Honesty
Honor
Independence
Inner peace
Innovation
Integrity
Justice
Knowledge
Leadership
Love, romance
Loyalty
Meaning
Money
Openness
Pleasure
Positive attitude
Which of these would be your top five? How do you act them out in your everyday words and actions? Write them down and put your list in a place where you can readily see it. Let it serve as a quick measure by which you evaluate your everyday decisions and choices.
STRESS RELIEF
What do you want to be remembered for? How would you want your closest friends and family to describe you at your funeral? Writing your obituary can be a dramatic way to help clarify your personal values and make contact with what you care about.
Anxiety’s Costs
Now that you’ve got a clearer picture of what values are closest to your heart, take a close look at how anxiety clouds the picture. Because anxiety is an attention grabber, it can take our focus away from the very things we treasure most.
For instance, if we worry excessively about harm befalling someone we care about, we may not give our child growing room to explore the world on his or her own. Our fear of flying might prevent us from attending a cherished friend’s wedding or a loved one’s funeral. Unmanaged stress might cause us to snap at people we care about, alienate co-workers, or abuse drugs or alcohol.
As painful as it is, getting a snapshot of how anxiety limits our lives is critical, especially when there’s so much immediate relief in giving in to what our anxiety or fear is telling us. Yes, maybe we can avoid a panic attack if we don’t get back behind the wheel of our car, but think of what this costs us. Think of our dependence on others to take us places, our child’s confusion over why Mom or Dad can’t carpool, and the secret shame and guilt we feel about it.
How does your anxiety affect you? What personal costs have you had to pay? What about the lifestyle changes and relationship issues caused or made worse by your anxiety?
Here’s an exercise designed to help you see, on a daily basis, how costly giving in to your anxiety really is. For the next seven days, make daily recordings of situations or events that trigger your anxiety, concerns, or worries. Write down how you experience that anxiety; this should include your physical symptoms, feelings, thoughts, and concerns. Then record what your coping strategy was, what emotions your coping strategy produced, and what the lost-opportunity costs were. Here’s an example of what your log might look like.
Situation: Asked to give a talk at work.
Anxiety: Afraid of being embarrassed, scared my anxiety would cause me to lose my train of thought.
Coping strategy: Tried to talk myself into it but called in sick at the last minute.
Emotional impact: Felt like a failure, felt guilty and ashamed, frustrated.
Opportunity cost: Boss was irritated, lost chance to impress the sales group.
A warning: this exercise takes courage. Many people who initially commit to this exercise wind up avoiding it or “forgetting” to do it. Don’t let yourself be one of them. If it helps, remind yourself that taking stock doesn’t commit you to making any behavior changes; it’s just a look-see. It’s also a reminder that avoiding anxiety comes at a price, one that ultimately might be higher than going through it.
Getting clear about anxiety’s costs can be a powerful motivator. Another ally is to develop the right attitude—toward ourselves and toward our anxiety symptoms. We’re not talking about looking on the bright side; we’re talking about the deliberate cultivation of some healing beliefs that can help us put our anxiety symptoms in perspective and show respect to ourselves.
Let’s take a look at five attitudes that can get your mind, your heart, and your willpower working together.
I Am Not Ashamed of Myself or My Symptoms
If people knew how I really felt, they’d think I was crazy. I must really be a loser if I can’t even control my own feelings. I can’t tell my husband; he couldn’t handle it.
There are valid reasons why many of us keep our anxiety a secret, such as the very real stigma society still puts on mental-health challenges, or the common confusion between everyday worry and a clinical disorder. Whether you decide to tell others about your anxiety is less important than having the emotional option to tell them. If, out of our fear of rejection or sense of shame, we have to keep our anxiety a secret, we are making decisions based on what will protect us from the rejection or scrutiny of others, not what will help us heal.
Anxiety Is My Teacher; What Can I Learn?
Ever tried a Chinese finger trap? It’s a tube of woven straw about 5 inches long and ½ inch wide. You slide both index fingers into the straw tube, one finger at each end. If you then attempt to pull your fingers out, the tube catches and tightens. The only way to regain some freedom and space of movement is to push the fingers in first and then slide them out one at a time. One of us once gave them out as favors at her 5-year-old’s birthday party and can still picture a frantic mother running down her driveway, fingers stuck in each end, shouting, “I can’t get out!”
Anxiety can be like that. If, at the first uncomfortable physical sensation, we tighten up and try to fight our feelings, more often than not they will get worse. We are now adding anxiety about our symptoms to our initial fear. See how this can snowball?
On the other hand, rather than pushing against our anxiety, what if we add something to it? Perhaps we step back and add a scientific observation, almost like we’re describing someone else’s experiences: “Hmm, for me, anxiety seems to start with a flip-flop in my stomach, almost as if I’m riding a roller coaster.” Perhaps we rate it: “That’s about a three on the anxiety scale.” “Wow, that was a big wave; I’d give it an eight.” Or perhaps we adopt an attitude of curiosity: “I wonder what these feelings are trying to tell me.”
By going with our anxiety, rather than fighting it, we are much more likely to flow through our discomfort rather than make it worse or get trapped by it. And whereas it can be a mean teacher, anxiety does sometimes have important lessons for us; it has helped us take better care of ourselves, set better limits with others, and get a clearer sense of what is important to us.
MYTH BUSTER
“I should never feel anxious.” Anxiety is a normal human emotion—we all feel it at times! In fact, trying to avoid anxiety can make you feel more anxious.
Symptoms Are an Opportunity to Practice—Not a Test
If you’ve decided to tackle your anxiety, we can assure you that you are going to take steps forward and get knocked back. Perhaps we find ourselves “relapsing” into worry after a parent dies or can’t control our terror in anticipation of a visit to a new dentist. Maybe we promise ourselves we’ll stay at the party until 8:30 and then flee at 7 or leave the grocery store during a panic attack even though we promised ourselves we’d ride it out.
Okay, so you didn’t meet your initial goal. Let that experience be feedback to you as you take corrective action. What can you adjust? Maybe you need to get some help with your grieving or join a self-help group. Perhaps you need to visit the dentist’s office before your appointment, to make it a more comfortable place. Maybe it would be easier to stay at the party if you planned some ice-breakers and conversation starters.
Talk to yourself about setbacks in the same way you would talk to a child who is having a tough time learning a new skill. You’d encourage her. You’d put temporary setbacks in perspective. You’d problem-solve with her when she faced glitches and bumps in the road. And you’d never call her a failure.
ON THE CUTTING EDGE
People who suffer from anxiety disorders may be more likely to experience relapses following attempts to quit drinking, suggesting that anxiety treatment may be a necessary component—and great benefit—to individuals who self-medicate with alcohol.
Anxiety Is Uncomfortable, but It’s Not Dangerous
Anxiety is uncomfortable. It’s unpleasant. It can feel overwhelming. As a result, when anxiety hits, our instincts tell us to do something. Move. Get out of there. Make it stop!
How ironic it is; going against the flow may ultimately result in smoother sailing. Allowing ourselves to get used to wading through moments of emotional discomfort can do wonders in building up our confidence to deal with the really tough times. Internal messages such as “I’m feeling anxious, and that’s okay” can go a long way toward defusing our fear’s power.
STRESS RELIEF
When we feel we’ve hit a roadblock in reaching a personal goal, seeing our journey from a third-person perspective—as if looking at one’s past self in a movie—can help us appreciate the progress we’ve already made and give us the strength we need to keep going.
I Can’t Stand It. I’ve Got to Get Out of Here. What If It Gets Worse?
Every time we allow these thoughts to stay in our heads, we create a picture of ourselves as vulnerable and weak.
In addition, uncertainty is especially distasteful for those of us who crave control. Trying to anticipate, avoid, or escape pain can put you in a tense state of vigilance, constantly monitoring your environment for signs of threat. To overcome anxiety, you need to be willing to lower your defenses and tolerate some uncertainty. By accepting the risk of a negative outcome, you are lessening your need for certainty, and your anxiety will reduce.
With these five attitudes as your base, take a look at some additional ways you can keep yourself steady on your journey.
Remaining Motivated
We’ve already mentioned several ways we can keep on the path as we work to control our anxiety. We’ve talked about defining and living according to our personal values, keeping track of what our anxiety costs us, and developing a healing perspective.
Let’s take a look at some other top tips for remaining motivated:
Reward yourself. Praise yourself for every little step you take in the right direction. In addition, if you’ve taken a big leap, by staying in a tough situation or breathing through some scary symptoms, reward yourself with something you enjoy.
Build a skills base. If you’re nervous in social situations, work on your communication skills. For chronic tension or worry, learn meditation or take a course in biofeedback. For performance anxiety, try visualization or self-hypnosis. These life skills can help anyone, anxious or not, lead a better life.
Don’t go it alone. Find people you can share your struggles with, whether it’s an online support group or a close circle of family and friends.
On the surface, making the decision to deal with anxiety seems like a no-brainer. Who doesn’t want to feel better? In reality, though, taking steps toward emotional freedom requires some up-front commitment; we’ve got to be clear about our goals, develop helpful attitudes, and suffer through some emotional bumps and bruises. Just as labor pains and sleepless nights are part of parenting, we may have to go through some rough spots before we get where we want to be.
This chapter has examined the mixed feelings so many of us have when we start on the path to recovery from anxiety. On the one hand, we’re sick and tired of anxiety taking up so much of our valuable time and energy; on the other hand, what if nothing we do makes any difference? What if we feel worse?
In the next chapter, we look at how we can build our emotional reservoir by strengthening our emotional intelligence. We explore the value of emotional self-awareness as well as basic strategies for managing our emotions. We tackle the whole issue of emotions—what they are, what they do, and how anxiety impacts them.
STRESS RELIEF
Need another motivator? Reducing anxiety can improve relationships, and recent research confirms that people involved in committed relationships are generally happier than others.
The Least You Need to Know
- The journey from anxiety to peace is never straightforward or discomfort-free, but it is worth it.
- Being clear about our personal values, and honest about anxiety’s costs, can be powerful motivation to plow ahead.
- Developing healthy attitudes about the recovery process can buffer us from setbacks and bumps in the road.
- Anxiety often creates a paradox; if we fight it, it gets stronger. On the other hand, if we flow through it, it lessens.