17

VICKI ROBIN

Conversation Café

How do I listen to others? As if everyone were my Master speaking to me his cherished last words.

—Hafiz

Passionate About Intimacy

I’m sitting next to Jerry Garcia at the Grateful Bread coffeehouse. Okay, I’m actually sitting next to a life-size painting of Jerry—so, like everyone else in the café, I am technically alone. Typical, isn’t it, in our disconnected world? Ten people, and just one person per table. But tonight is different—it’s Thursday evening, Conversation Café time.

Five regulars and three drop-ins arrive, get their tea or coffee and snacks, and settle in. We are engaging in a strangely normal activity. We’re talking to strangers. We have followed the first rule of good conversation: showing up. In six weeks of meetings, I’ve noticed three basic ingredients to the magic of Conversation Cafés: showing up, shutting up, and speaking up.

Showing up is not only arriving in time to talk. It’s arriving in soul, ready to engage. Shutting up is about listening deeply. It’s having as much curiosity about what others say as about parading out one’s own opinions. Speaking up is taking a risk by saying what’s real for you. Ah, and there’s a fourth rule: “Up.” Conversing to enrich everyone. Good conversation has the quality of an infinite game. You play for play, not for winning.

We begin with introductions, saying our names and something about our passions. In this space, we are not our jobs, our complaints, or our manufactured personalities. “I’ve been on semi-retreat for a long time, trying to understand what is really true for me,” says Mara, a slender young woman who looks like a model and knocks us out with her depth of thought.

“I’m passionate about intimacy,” says Ed, “How to be it, do it, know it. How to find intimacy among strangers.”

The newcomers talk of gardening, politics, and new economic models. They have a special function: variety, surprise. Without this flow of the unpredictable, we could settle in to another ritualized weekly display of opinions—as happens in churches, clubs, and at dinner tables with frightening regularity.

After the introductions, whoever has a topic writes it on an index card. They range from the practical to the esoteric: What does home mean? How can we create community in a city? How do barter networks work?

Today, we select “conversation.” Mara starts by raising the question: “Conversation for what?” We explore different purposes of conversation. Some speak; some remain silent. Their very silence is a presence that says, “Go deep. I am listening for your soul.”

Now Karina’s whole body leaps into animation as she tells us about home in the Deep South. “People talk!” she says. “They connect! They debate! They walk in the evening, gathering neighbors for a movie or a barbecue.”

I feel something stirring in me, a combination of fear and gratitude. This conversation is so rich and the more I like it, the more scared I get that it won’t happen again. My walls are coming down.

Suddenly Kate, the voice for lighter conversation fare, is crying. “I’ve been slapped down so many times for being too intense that I just don’t risk much anymore.”

“Me, too,” Mara says. We go quiet. Looking at one another, we realize we just slipped into an uncommon space for virtual strangers. This, then, seems to be the final movement of the Conversation Café, a reflection on the conversation itself, preparing us to separate. There are no promises about seeing each other again. We are all suddenly awkward, a bit like furtive lovers emerging from a motel. We’ve broken a major taboo, talking to strangers about what matters. We don’t say much about what happened, yet we know we’re going to do it again—right out in public, with strangers.

What Is a Conversation Café?

Conversation Cafés (CCs) are lively, open, hosted, structured, drop-in conversations in public places—like cafés—among diverse people about our feelings, thoughts, and actions in this complex, changing world (figure 1). Conversation Cafés borrow from two dialogue processes: the talking-stick circle, and inquiry in the tradition of David Bohm and Socrates.

WHEN DO THEY HAPPEN?

Conversation Cafés work best if they are ongoing—weekly, semi-monthly, or monthly at the same location for at least a dozen sessions, allowing the idea of drop-in, quality conversations to grow in a community. Café owners also benefit, as each participant is a customer, encouraged to “pay the rent” by ordering food and drink. CCs are also used at meetings, conferences, workshops, dinner tables, and board rooms to process what they have heard, make meaning together, break down the walls of privilege between “presenter” and “audience” or explore a key idea. CCs can help citizens with diverse views in times of social/political “stress” to increase understanding.

Figure 1. Drop in to the Conversation Café

The CCs are governed by a host, a process, a set of agreements, and a few traditions:

The Host

The host is a full-conversation participant, free to express personal points of view while also paying attention to the quality of the overall conversation.

The Process

Talking Object Round One: Holding the talking object, each person says their name and speaks to the topic for a minute or two.

Talking Object Round Two: Deepening the reflection, each person speaks for a minute or two.

Open Dialogue: Placing the talking object in the middle, it is unnecessary unless someone wants it to claim the next speaking opportunity.

Final Talking Object Round: Each person makes a final comment.

The Agreements

• Open-mindedness: Listen to and respect all points of view

• Acceptance: Suspend judgment as best you can

• Curiosity: Seek to understand rather than persuade

• Discovery: Question old assumptions, look for new insights

• Sincerity: Speak for yourself about what has personal heart and meaning

• Brevity: Go for honesty and depth, but don’t go on and on

Two “Traditions”

• No committees will be formed—No to-do lists, collective action planned, or efforts to get everyone to agree on anything.

• No marketing—no causes, candidates, events, or services promoted to other participants.

Table of Uses

About the Author

Vicki Robin ([email protected]) is the coauthor with Joe Dominguez of the national best seller, Your Money or Your Life: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence. She is president of the New Road Map Foundation, an educational and charitable foundation teaching people tools for sustainable living. Vicki served on the President’s Council on Sustainable Development’s Task Force on Population and Consumption. She is the chair of the Simplicity Forum and is on the Board of the Turning Tide Coalition.

Where to Go for More Information

REFERENCES

Barker, Linda. “Everybody’s Talking in Seattle This Week.” Christian Science Monitor, March 12, 2003.

Brown, J., D. Isaac, and the World Café Community. The World Café: Shaping Our Futures Through Conversations that Matter. San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler, 2005.

Hart, Joseph. “Conversation Au Lait: In Seattle Coffee Shops, People from All Walks of Life Talk About What Matters to Them.” Utne Reader (July/August 2002).

Lappe, Frances Moore. Democracy’s Edge: Choosing to Save Our Country by Bringing Democracy to Life. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2005.

ORGANIZATION

Conversation Café—www.conversationcafe.org