#8: The Umbrage Not Taken

Introduction to Concept:

Only if we own and operate our own one-man or one-woman business do we have the arguable “luxury” of keeping our own company. Even then, we must work with vendors and clients. And so, as you are developing expertise today in [mention name of course], keep in mind that such expertise will not be fully appreciated if you are unable to work well with others. This activity will develop your ability to say what needs to be said in the most diplomatic and non-offensive way possible.

Procedure:

1. Divide the group into pairs. If one person is left over, he or she can serve as your partner or can serve as a roving observer. Explain that one person in the pair will have a difficult message to deliver, written on a 3″ × 5″ card. That person will be asked to deliver the message as honestly but as kindly as possible. The partner—acknowledging that this is a classroom exercise, not real life—promises not to become enraged, but to instead respond in a way that will defuse a potentially explosive situation.

This may mean that the partner must force him- or herself to say the second thing that comes into his or her head. For example, if I were told by a friend or co-worker that he or she thought I had a drinking problem, my first reaction might be, “What business is it of yours, you jerk?” That is not the response I would give, however, unless I wanted to cut off discussion then and there. A reply such as, “What makes you say that, Tom?” would lead to better understanding between the parties involved.

2. Ask one person in each pair to select one card and deliver the message on the card in as supportive a manner as possible. Once the message has been delivered, the recipient is asked to reply in a non-confrontational manner, weighing his or her words carefully before expressing them.

3. After the first exchange, have the pairs quietly discuss with one another their responses t o the questions on the transparency. Allow five minutes for this. [Show transparency now.]

4. Collect and shuffle the 3″ × 5″ cards. Ask the pairs to join with other pairs so foursomes are created.

5. Ask one person in each foursome to select a card and confer with his or her original partner to figure out the best way to deliver the news. (If you wish to keep the other pair engaged while the first discussion is going on, use a warm-up.)

6. After a few moments, one member of the card-bearing pair will express the sentiment on the card to the other pair. The second pair can respond in singular or tandem fashion. Afterwards, ask the foursome to discuss their reactions to the assignment. For example, did the message-deliverers feel a bit more confident/comfortable the second time around? Did the message-receivers find themselves reacting less emotionally than they did the first time?

7. Collect the cards and ask each foursome to join another foursome. A team of four will next select one card and discuss the most professional/gracious way to deliver the message it contains. (Again, while they wait, the other team could work on a mind-bending exercise such as: “Make a list as long as you possibly can of titles (book, movies, opera, ballet, song, poem) that contain a geographic allusion, such as ‘The Barber of Seville.’”)

8. Once the foursome has had a few moments to prepare, a spokesperson from the group will deliver the message. One person from the other foursome will react to it.

9. Lead a discussion with the class as a whole to learn if participants feel they are becoming more skilled with each successive exercise. Make certain to call on one person from each foursome to share specific techniques or phrases that worked well, and record these on the flipchart as they are being shared.

Extending the Activity:

1. In the week prior to the class you are scheduled to facilitate, collect examples from the daily newspaper of arguments or controversy that ensued over issues that were not well-communicated. Use these as the basis for class discussions.

2. Divide the class into small groups and give this assignment: Assume that you were asked to develop an outline for a class to be titled, “Making the hard-to-swallow easy-to-digest.” How would you design the curriculum?

Workplace Connections:

1. Suggest that participants keep a journal listing potentially volatile workplace issues and how they were handled. Each entry should be followed by a description of how the journal-keeper would have handled the situation.

2. Ask for volunteers to form a focus group that will meet with the Personnel or Human Resources Department to discuss ways of reducing or preventing workplace conflicts.

Questions for Further Consideration:

1. Have you ever been in a situation that required you to say something you feared might hurt the other person’s feelings? If so, how did you handle it?

2. Think of times when other people shared similar information with you. How did they handle it?

3. Considering your own experiences with supervisors/managers, were they skilled in presenting unwelcome information in a positive way? Explain.

1. How did you feel as your partner told you what he or she thought?

2. Do you think he or she expressed his or her thoughts diplomatically?

3. Were you able to hold your tongue as you listened? Explain how you did or didn’t do this.

4. What were you thinking as you listened to your partner?

5. What did you actually say in response to what you heard?

6. What would you do differently the next time?