5

INDIVIDUAL SKILLS THAT ENHANCE COLLABORATION

Perhaps you have seen that optical illusion that looks like a picture of a woman. When we first look at it, some of us see an old lady. Others see a young woman. A few even see the subtler picture of an elderly man. Once the picture crystalizes for us, it’s hard to see the alternatives. We assume that we are seeing the entire picture, but we realize our mistake when someone points out the other two faces. We then marvel at how difficult it was to see the other faces until they were revealed to us.

This exercise reminds us that we continually filter our surroundings and select what we pay attention to. Our brains only process a portion of our visual environment. Then, we organize and interpret what we are seeing in order to make sense of it.

Using the four individual skills together (Being True to Yourself, to Others, to the Work, and to the Company) expands our view and helps us notice more of the crucial stimuli around us. Knowing how to use the four skills is much like seeing the entire picture when it comes to that optical illusion. It can help clear the fog that can surround us when we’re in a complex situation.

The following image brings the four perspectives together visually, as they are meant to be used in unison with each other.

Graphic by Eileen Zornow

The remainder of this chapter will teach you what each of these “being true” skills means. Following those explanations, a case study will illustrate how you can use them to get a clearer perspective on a particular situation. Then, you will have the opportunity to apply these four skills to a current challenge you are facing at your company.

Let’s start by exploring what Being True to Yourself really means.

BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF WHILE WORKING WITH OTHERS

When you are Being True to Yourself, you are aware of what is important to you and act in accordance with those beliefs. It means identifying your values and behaving in ways that reflect them. It entails knowing your goals and acting in ways that move you closer to them. It also means being aware of the role your emotions are playing and helping to manage them.

The line from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, “This above all: to thine own self be true,” has intrigued people for centuries. How many other lines, written in the 1600s, would you recognize? For most of us, the number is very few. But this one is memorable.

In delivering the 2005 Stanford Commencement Address, Steve Jobs similarly said: “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. . . . Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.”¹

Both of these geniuses remind us to be honest with ourselves about what’s important to us. It’s vital to our emotional well-being and our satisfaction with life.

Let’s explore the three aspects of Being True to Yourself (values, goals, and managing emotions).

LIVING YOUR VALUES

Being True to Yourself starts with your values, the things you hold dear in life. They explain the decisions you make and the actions you take. If authenticity is one of your chief values, for instance, then you will act in accordance with it by speaking up when something is important to you.

Many experts have studied company values. One expert looked at data regarding company values for a 25-year period. His findings included: “Companies that had very clear written values to which everyone in the company ascribed earned an average of 700 percent greater profit over the 25 years than other companies in the same industries that did not.”²

Exactly the same holds true when it comes to importance of personal values. In Gandhi’s words, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”³

If you are unaware of your own values, you will not have a North Star guiding you. Without this guiding force, you may act in ways that make you feel uncomfortable, and be unable to figure out why. I encourage you to get clear about your values. (Tips for doing this will be provided in Chapter 6.)

KEEPING YOUR BIGGEST GOALS IN MIND

Being True to Yourself also means having goals and pursuing them. To paraphrase the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland, if we don’t know where we want to go then most any road will do.

Some of our goals follow from our values. If taking care of your family is a value of yours, then you may create a goal that encourages you to spend time with them. You might also set a goal related to career success so you can provide for your family financially.

Having explicit goals makes it more likely that we will achieve the things in life that are important to us. Yet, how many of us take the time to figure out our goals? Brian Tracy, an expert in individual and organizational development, estimates that only 3 percent of adults take the time to set realistic goals and create plans to achieve them.⁴

Psychology professor Gail Matthews recently conducted a study on goal-setting. She found that writing down our goals and action plans, sharing them, and updating a friend about our progress, makes a big difference. Among the people who took all those steps, 76 percent of them achieved their goals. Among those who had goals but didn’t take any of these other steps, only 43 percent achieved their goals.⁵

If you haven’t yet, join that 3 percent. Once you have formulated those goals, commit to and share with a few others who will support you in achieving them. Be truest to the goals that are most important to you. We sometimes lose sight of our big goals in the heat of the moment and later realize that we achieved a smaller goal at the expense of something that’s more central to us. (Chapter 6 will offer tips for goal-setting.

YOUR EMOTIONS

It used to be common for leaders to tell employees to “leave your emotions at the door when you come to work.” They implied that we could disconnect our emotions. They also implied that emotions are destructive and inappropriate in the workplace. Neither of those inferences is correct. We experience emotions all the time. We couldn’t shut them off if we wanted to.

One study reported that we experience an average of 500 emotions every day and about 3,000 a week. That means we have a whopping 150,000 emotions in an average year.⁶ We don’t achieve personal success by putting our emotions aside. Nor is it about being perfect. It is about doing the most we can with what we have. It’s about allowing our feelings, along with our intellect, to inform us and guide our responses and behaviors appropriately.

Let’s create a shared understanding of this concept we call emotion. Things happen that cause a reaction in us; those things can occur outside or inside of us. An example of an externally caused feeling might be when your manager lets you know that she was unable to get approval for you to join a project that you really wanted to work on. An example of an internally caused reaction might be if you are mulling over a training course you are taking at work. You feel a knot in the pit of your stomach. You realize that you are totally lost in the class but don’t want to admit it in front of your coworkers.

In both of these examples, a part of our brain reacts to what we are experiencing by releasing a burst of chemicals. Dr. Leda Cosmides and Dr. John Tooby, both professors at University of California, explain that this is totally natural. The chemicals (also known as our emotions) cause feelings, sensations, moods, and bodily responses.⁷

At the same time that we are experiencing emotions, another part of our brain is processing our perceptions into cognitive thoughts. But the part of our brain that produces our emotional reactions works faster than the cognitive part of our brain. Because emotions come first and because they are powerful, our emotions influence our thinking.

When we can identify and understand our emotions, we are much less confused by our interactions with others and our internal reactions. When we manage those emotions they assist us. When we do not, they can work against us. Study after study has found that emotional intelligence (EQ) is more important than our IQ or our technical expertise in determining our career success.⁸ For this reason as well as many others, it’s well worth the effort to manage our emotions.

The term e-motion is a great way to describe the effects of those chemical reactions. The feelings and moods that are triggered often linger until we do something (get into “motion”) and let go of them. The word e-motion reminds us that some energy was created in that reaction and we need to dispel the feelings in a healthy way. If we do not, then we may inadvertently act out those feelings in a way that is bad for us and for others.

Learning to harness our emotions allows us to be more effective at work as well as at home. (Chapter 6 will offer tips for identifying and managing emotions.)

You now know what is involved in Being True to Yourself. Read on to learn what Being True to Others means.

WHAT BEING TRUE TO OTHERS MEANS

Being True to Others means connecting with them, being open to their influence, and supporting them. It means seeing people with whom you work as part of your network. This does not mean you are best friends with your coworkers, but having a genuine connection with them does change the quality of your work with them. It creates an emotional bond.

As two experts in the field, John Parker and Edward Hackett, have said, “Emotions spark creativity, tighten social bonds, and lower barriers to collaboration.”⁹ Our emotions act as a social lubricant, creating a connection that inspires great thinking.

Google recently came to a similar conclusion. They wanted to figure out why some of their teams were much better at collaborating than others. They conducted research to find out. They expected to find things they could quantify and share with other teams, like team size and structures for productive work, but instead they found that one of the most influential factors was psychological safety. The teams that made it safe for coworkers to speak up and know they wouldn’t be judged poorly were the teams with the most robust collaboration. They found that “Without psychological safety, there’s no true collaboration.”¹⁰

Psychological safety happens when people respect others enough to want to listen to them. We tend to be more open to truly hearing what others have to say when we have that connection. One Silicon Valley leader I spoke with talked about the importance of “choosing your words wisely and be willing to forgive. If you’re not willing to do that with others, then you can’t expect it back from them. We all get mad and express it. That isn’t a bad thing in itself. It’s how we do it.”

Imagine yourself in a project with 12 people who serve a variety of functions in your company. This team has a very important task: to create a new product for teenagers. This will help your company appeal to a new customer group. You’ve been meeting for seven months, but executives were expecting to receive several potentially great new ideas from the group long before this. Instead, what you have to show for your time and efforts are frazzled nerves and poor relationships.

This is how one of your teammates describes the meetings: “We push our views while resisting others who are pushing theirs. We tend to judge their ideas without evidence, and only look only for data that supports our own views. We don’t even hear what others are saying. Instead we wait for them to finish and then go back to our own thought. Or worse, we interrupt others before they even finish what they’re saying.”

She goes on to quote Thomas Jefferson: “I never saw an instance of one or two disputants convincing the other by argument.”¹¹ She concludes, “Despite the fact that we know this, we persist in trying to persuade others through argument and debate. We talk near each other, or at each other. We don’t to talk with each other.”

Imagine if your coworker could have described the following process instead. “Conversations between us were shared inquiries. We are able to think together rather than all being in the same room and still thinking alone.”¹²“We brought out new ideas; things we never thought before, never-mind having shared with others. We were able to surface alternatives and compare them side-by-side, using our collective experience. It was energizing and exciting to be part of this team.” What helped our team work this way? “We achieved this because of the connections we have with others. We took time when we first started working together to get to know each other. That and the bonds we continued to build as we worked together made all the difference in the world.”

The first case described employees who were not Being True to Others. The second one described employees who were. Which would you rather have?

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE TRUE TO THE WORK

Being True to the Work means that you are committed to exploring and agreeing on the best ideas and the right work for each project. It means that getting the best result is far more important than any one person being able to claim an idea as theirs.

If people think they have the best answer and their job is to convince others of that fact, then work sessions are going to be discordant. If folks know their knowledge is crucial and that the ultimate solution will combine the best of those ideas, then work sessions are going to be more melodious.

Two key skills can assist you in Being True to the Work: being open to new information and exploring the options.

BEING OPEN TO NEW INFORMATION

We all have “spheres of knowledge.” However, we often don’t see the limits or edges of our knowledge until we stumble on them. When we discuss something with others, we realize that we have stepped into an area in which we are less certain. Suddenly, we are conjecturing rather than knowing. Ideally, that fuels our desire to learn. We open ourselves to learning when we expand our skills in: noticing what we are seeing, scanning for relevant details, using our senses to take in information, and seeing the patterns in information. (I will offer tips for doing this effectively in Chapter 7.)

EXPLORING THE OPTIONS

Making the right decisions about both details and big-picture issues is trickier when we are working with others. It means doing work beforehand so we arrive at the meeting ready to contribute. And it means setting our initial conclusions to the side for a bit, so everyone can now see and analyze options from different perspectives. It means seeing the whole picture (seeing the young woman, the old woman, and the old man, simultaneously). There are team tools that can help you see these multiple perspectives and bring out the group’s collective intelligence. (Chapter 7 offers two important tools for doing this.)

BEING TRUE TO THE COMPANY

Being True to the Company means staying focused on company goals and determining how you can contribute to them. Your ability to do this depends on having an astute awareness about your company and the directions it is taking. It means you understand the organization’s goals and what you and others need to do to help reach them.

In the words of Abraham Lincoln, “Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality.”¹³ When we are committed, we do things because we feel ownership rather than just responding to a request. Commitment and ownership happen when we are passionate about what we’re doing and want it to succeed. They happen when we are intellectually and emotionally bonded to the work, the people, and the organization. Those bonds don’t just occur merely because we work at a company and get a paycheck. They occur when we are treated as vital contributors.

LEADERSHIP’S ROLE IN HELPING EMPLOYEES BE TRUE TO THE COMPANY

Your company’s leaders have a big part in creating a culture in which you want to be and can be true to the company. People can’t help your company reach its goals if they are not privy to the information that enables them to make great decisions. Leaders in collaborative organizations continually share information with staff and provide them enough context to enable them to understand it.

Let’s explore how this is done at Facebook. “Unlike [other] tech companies . . . which keep employees in the dark about projects and ambitions, Facebook routinely shares all kinds of secrets with all of its workers.”¹⁴

Mark Zuckerberg and other leaders at Facebook share confidential and proprietary information openly with staff (including company strategy, directions, and much more). That information doesn’t make its way out of the company inappropriately. Why? Because Mark has a strong pact of trust with staff. He makes it known when the information he is sharing is confidential, and that he trusts staff to keep it in-house. People are treated as adults and expected to act that way.

This is not to say that every company can or should be totally open about everything. Any company establishing a Collaborative Ethos needs to determine how open they can be with employees on any given subject, and then share with them accordingly.

EMPLOYEE’S ROLE

Once leaders share with employees, it is up to staff to use that information appropriately to make better decisions so they can have a bigger impact.

When big-picture directions change and leaders have shared the context of those changes, employees need to be willing to let go of projects, even the ones that they’re excited about, if they no longer fit into the bigger picture. It’s much easier to accept the challenge of letting go of work folks were passionate about when they understand the need to do so. (I will share tips in these regards in Chapter 7.)

SEEING THESE INDIVIDUAL SKILLS IN ACTION

This case study will show you the four individual skills in action. Imagine that you are a market research director at a company that sells pet accessories. Among your company’s bread-and-butter products are dog and cat collars. You offer a variety of collars and they account for a good chunk of your business.

Recently, an inventor approached your company with a product innovation. Using her device, customers can design their own collars by making choices from a list of offerings, such as color, width, and fabric. Your executives ask you to conduct some market research to determine whether consumers will like this product and if they would be willing to pay the additional cost that your company would have to charge for it.

You set up some market tests to help answer this question. The results of your research show that consumers prefer existing pet collars at the lower cost.

That creates a dilemma. You know that, though market research data is extremely valuable, there are times when it doesn’t tell the whole story. This is especially true when the new product is so unlike the current one that it’s hard for people to conceptualize. You believe this may be one of those times. You feel conflicted, so you decide to use the four individual skills to help you decide what to do.

MARKET RESEARCH DIRECTOR: BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF

What does Being True to Yourself mean when it comes to this business opportunity? You suspect that the results of this study were likely skewed because consumers couldn’t envision how the new collars would be better than existing ones. If you’re right about this, then you should counter these results and recommend that your company buy this innovative process.

But taking this action could undercut the credibility of your research moving forward. Others may question whether your data should be ignored if they disagree with future results. In that sense, Being True to Yourself might mean preserving your credibility. In that case, you might want to recommend not pursing this product. But your gut tells you this is not the right answer. Before you decide which way to proceed, the model asks you to consider all four skills. So you move on to the second one.

BEING TRUE TO OTHERS

When you pause to think about what Being True to Others means, you remember that one of your peers on the team exploring this product is an engineer who spoke up against the new collars in earlier conversations.

You realize that if you go into next week’s meeting and recommend that the company pursue the product, he will not be pleased. He needs the chance to share his view to help the group make the best possible decision. You respect his expertise and believe he can help the team determine the right way to go. You also don’t want him feeling ambushed by you. You see that you need to speak with him before the meeting, and let him know that you want him to share his perspectives and his evidence. You are grateful that the model made you aware of this.

BEING TRUE TO THE WORK

Being True to the Work means helping your company make the right decision about whether to sell this product or not. That seems straightforward. The challenge is that the right decision is far from clear. As the sentiment goes, “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”¹⁵ In this case, a strong argument can be made for taking the chance and investing in this product. But, a strong argument can also be made for doing just the opposite.

That makes this a perfect opportunity to bring together a group of bright people who can turn their individual expertise into a communal brain. In this case, Being True to the Work means having the team collaborate to make a better decision. You can set the stage for a great conversation by using some activities that help you compare these two options. You realize you also want to gather additional data to bring to that discussion—data about what it will cost to offer this new product and what changes it might require in the way your company operates.

BEING TRUE TO THE COMPANY

Being True to the Company means stepping back to examine this product in light of overall company direction. Is there anything in company goals that encourages or discourages going ahead? For instance, is the company interested in making pet collar sales a bigger portion of its total business? That would encourage offering this product. What other changes in direction is the company contemplating (or is the market demanding) that need to be factored into this decision)?

You are pretty sure that company executives are seriously considering these questions. But to be certain, you add an item to your meeting agenda to discuss this project in relation to overall company directions. This model has again contributed to the richness of your discussion.

HOW THE MARKET DIRECTOR BRINGS THE INDIVIDUAL SKILLS TOGETHER

Now that you have assessed this pet collar product decision from each the four perspectives sequentially, it’s time to come to some conclusions. The second, third, and fourth skills were fairly straightforward and offered important ideas that you might have overlooked. Having integrated what you learned from these three areas, you now know it’s time to make a decision about the first skill: Being True to Yourself.

The model is now stretched out of balance. Because the other three were quickly resolved, you are spending proportionately more time on that first skill, Being True to Yourself.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. When we are having a hard time figuring out our thoughts on one of these four skills, the perspectives we gain from the other three might lend some perspective. We can ask ourselves, “In this situation what would it look like to be True to Myself while also Being True to Others, True to the Work, and True to the Company?”

When you originally explored what it meant to be true to yourself, you thought it meant either: countering the results of your market research and recommending that your company sell pet collars using this inventor’s innovation, or going with the results of your research (even though you didn’t agree with it) to preserve the credibility of your research in the future.

Here’s what it looks like visually, when the Being True Model is stretched out of balance because one of the four perspectives is more vague or stands out for some other reason.

Graphic by Eileen Zornow

When you think about what Being True to Yourself means now, you realize that it isn’t an either/or choice. You realize that Being True to Yourself means sharing your research findings and also sharing your intuitive feelings that this pet collar is a good product for your company. Then you engage the team in exploring both those options with the help of your engineering peer, others in the room, and data about the work and the company. Then together as a group, you can come to the right decision.

You arrive at this new conclusion because you trust the team to hear your points in context. You do not have to worry about the future of market research. You know that your colleagues value market data and the views you represent. Because of that trust, you know you can openly share the two opposing perspectives. You feel equipped to facilitate that conversation because of the coordinated forethought supplied by using this model.

APPLYING THE FOUR INDIVIDUAL SKILLS TO A REAL WORK CHALLENGE

Now you have a chance to try the four individual skills for yourself.

Chapter 6 will give you tips regarding the first two skills, Being True to Yourself and to Others. Chapter 7 offers methods for increasing your skills related to Being True to the Work and the Company.