I have often been told by nervous clients that the very thought of negotiating intimidates them because they have no experience at it. Nonsense. They've simply bought into the common misperception that negotiation is a formal face-off involving buying and selling or treaty-making. In fact, those are only a tiny fraction of the negotiations that are going on all around us all the time. Every one of us negotiates, whether consciously or not, because every human relationship involves negotiation. Though you may not always be aware of it, if you work in a large institution you negotiate nearly every day. Even if you work from home you have to reach agreements with other people from time to time. The challenge, therefore, is not acquiring a wholly new skill set, like learning to skydive or write computer code. It's doing what you already do, only more consciously, thoughtfully, and therefore, effectively.
Through the many varied examples in this book, I've tried to show that negotiating beyond the deal brings long-term benefits, from the boardroom to the bedroom. By negotiating with an eye on building strong and mutually profitable relationships—rather than on fighting to win short-term skirmishes—you will win the far more lasting victories of improving customer relations, achieving team goals, getting the most out of business partnerships, resolving punishing disputes, better managing your career and workload, and having a happier home life, to name just a few.
Naturally, these great benefits don't come free. Relationship-centered negotiation does demand a greater investment in time, consideration, planning, empathy, patience, and self-control than does the old transactional method of plunging in and hoping to talk your way into a deal. Some of these endeavors may go against your natural inclinations, requiring conscious effort and practice to master. I'll confess that for me, the challenge is maintaining emotional self-control, responding calmly when I feel attacked. Keeping my reactions in check is something I focus on in every negotiation, formal and informal. It can be hard work at times, but I put in that work because I've seen the benefits it has brought me. For you, the biggest challenge might be speaking up, or slowing down, or putting yourself in another party's shoes. Yet, if you make that investment in the art of relationship negotiation, you will be repaid many times over, both materially and psychologically. Not only will you see immediate results, but a negotiation that builds a positive relationship will continue to pay off long past the signing—or even the completion—of the deal.
This book was written with two goals in mind. First, I have sought to share with you the five life-changing lessons I have learned from observing and taking part in countless negotiations across the globe—and from monitoring their outcomes after the ink has dried:
For ensuring reliable and lasting outcomes, building strong working relationships must be a central goal of negotiation, not a mere step in the process.
By building relationships that reach beyond the deal, you will reap far higher rewards in both your business and your life than will those who engage in short-term, win-lose transactions.
Fairness, openness, honesty, and appropriate trust are not naïve aspirations; they are the nuts and bolts of long-term success.
Time spent up front in preparation will reward you tenfold in value returned.
Effective negotiation needn't be aggressive, scary, or painful.
Fundamentally related to the fifth lesson, the second goal of this book has been to provide you with a set of proven tools to enable you to negotiate with confidence and success. I hope I've convinced you that becoming an expert negotiator doesn't involve mastering verbal tricks or cunning strategies or developing an intimidating personality. On the contrary, it's merely a process of understanding (starting with yourself), anticipating, and connecting with others in an effort to reach a mutually profitable agreement.
Thousands of people from every corner of the world and all walks of life who have attended my training seminars have already achieved success far beyond their expectations or past experience by following the five-step GRASP negotiation method. As a group, these people had no exceptional oratorical skills, educational background, IQ score, sense of self-esteem, or personal charisma. The only thing they had in common was that before they negotiated, they all asked themselves the same five questions:
Goals—What do I/they want to achieve or avoid?
Identify, prioritize, and weigh your goals.
Imagine and learn the other side's goals.
Consider long-term as well as immediate interests.
Routes—How can I best achieve my goals by supporting theirs?
Consider all possible avenues to satisfy both sides while maximizing your goals.
Consider the advantages and disadvantages of each path, then choose your preferred route.
Plan fallback routes in case you find the road blocked.
Arguments—What reasons support my/their proposals?
Develop valid and compelling arguments to back each proposal you make.
Provide evidence to support those arguments.
Insist that they provide equally valid and supported arguments.
Focus on fairness and reason.
Substitutes—How else could I/they accomplish my/their goals?
What other ways outside of this negotiation are you able to achieve your goals?
Establish your "Walk-Away Line" (WAL).
Consider the other side's WAL and substitutes.
Persuasion—What is in it for them?
Speak to other parties' goals and perspectives.
Listen and ask questions to better understand their goals and perspectives.
Focus on problem-solving, not fighting or game-playing.
Be flexible, open, and honest while holding firm to legitimacy.
By following these five simple steps, you too will find that negotiation can be a truly rewarding experience. Of course, negotiation will still involve disagreement. That's why you're negotiating after all. But through focusing on the relationship, those differences will go from being head-to-head clashes to mere problems to be discussed, weighed, and in most cases, solved. Differences, handled with an open mind, create synergy. The payoff is not only a higher-value immediate outcome but an agreement that will be honored over time, and that very often will lead to future agreements.
Negotiation is a fundamental business and life skill that goes far beyond dealmaking. As you become a stronger negotiator, you will not only maximize the value of your agreements; you will also build confidence, develop more satisfying and lasting relationships, become a better communicator, grow more efficient at getting things done, face less fighting and stress, save time that you would have spent searching for new business partners, experience fewer disappointments now and shocks later, and generally become more successful in life and work. Your only challenge is to go out there and try.
To get you started, the step-by-step GRASP Negotiation Planner in Appendix A will help you prepare for your next negotiation. Afterward, use the Post-Negotiation Evaluation (Appendix B) to analyze your negotiating effectiveness and assess the areas you feel you need to work on.
In just five steps, you will be on your way to becoming an expert negotiator, with the results to prove it. The first step, which you've already begun by reading this book, is to know your goals.