1. Mind the Gap

Have you ever been in the London subway—or the Underground, as it’s called? If you have, you may have noticed that in some stations of the Underground, the tracks and platform curve slightly between the points where the train enters and leaves the station. Because of the curve, there are gaps at several places between the edge of the platform and a stopped train. A voice on a loudspeaker repeatedly warns passengers, “Mind the gap. . . . Mind the gap.”

Although you’d be unlikely to fall through this platform gap unless you’re thinner than a London telephone book, you could catch your foot or the wheel of a stroller in it, or your keys or wallet could slip through to the track below. Hence, the continuous warnings.

Unlike platform gaps, which result from the configuration of the station and don’t vary from one day to another, communication gaps appear unpredictably and in any number of contexts. You can neither create nor eliminate platform gaps, but you can create communication gaps or fall victim to those created by other people. And you can eliminate them—or at least reduce the likelihood of their occurring.

Consider the following examples, which I address in this book and which are evidence of communication gaps:

• An organization embarked on a company-wide desktop upgrade. When technical staff arrived to install the new technology, employees asked, “Why are you shoving this down our throats?” The upgrade was a painful experience for both provider and customer personnel.

• At the start of a software development project, the client asked the project manager for a weekly, written status report. The project manager willingly accommodated. After the project’s completion—on time, within budget, and to specification—the client filled out a satisfaction survey, in which he reported his dissatisfaction with the project.

• A vendor organization had a four-hour standard for responding to reported malfunctions in its critical hardware components. Unfortunately, vendor and client personnel defined “response” differently, as clients discovered, to their dismay, the first time they called about a malfunction.

• A network-management group undertook the upgrade of networking technology used by its internal customers, many of whom were highly dissatisfied with the group’s service delivery. Customers asked to be involved in the effort, so the network group complied. Nevertheless, customers remained unhappy.

• A well-liked manager stopped by the cubicles of several employees on a high-pressure project to see how they were doing and to offer encouragement. She asked one top-notch employee, “How are you feeling?” She was surprised by the employee’s negative reaction.

• IT personnel, eager to restore their once-positive reputation, implemented numerous service improvements. They were justifiably proud and expected a gigantic leap in customer satisfaction. However, judging from survey results, customers hardly noticed or cared.

• After a team had wrestled with alternative approaches to solving a thorny problem, the project manager announced the strategy the team would follow. Team members responded quickly and angrily.

Clearly, situations like these can have a damaging or counterproductive impact on projects and relationships. I use the term “communication gap” to refer broadly to a situation in which miscommunication, or the complete lack of communication, adversely affects the work as well as the relationships among the people carrying out the work.

Communication gaps can occur between individuals and groups at all organizational levels, regardless of whether the message is communicated face-to-face, by phone, fax, letter, e-mail, or carrier pigeon. Gaps can occur whenever people offer ideas, present information, introduce change, propose policies, gain input, make recommendations, implement standards, give or receive feedback, or simply converse—whether with customers, suppliers, friends, relatives, coworkers, or teammates.

Communication gaps are pervasive. The vast majority of customer complaints revolve around communication glitches, omissions, and snafus. And few complaints detailed in employee-satisfaction surveys are as prominent as those that involve communication, particularly as it concerns information withheld and distorted. In one large company reeling both from financial difficulties and from the reorganization wrought by a new CEO, e-mail messages to the CEO were top-heavy with complaints, and a survey of more than 7,500 employees revealed widespread anger over poor communication. Such dissatisfaction is not limited to large companies; in fact, the business press regularly reports similar examples from companies of all sizes.

A common misconception is that communication gaps are caused by too little communication. Some are, certainly. Often, however, the problem is the reverse: too much communication. Often, too, the problem isn’t simply the quantity of communication but the kind: Gaps are frequently caused by misdirected, one-way, poorly timed, or badly worded communications. In addition, some gaps result from misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and miscommunications. And sometimes, even if you feel you’ve done everything just right, people will respond in unexpected or puzzling ways.

It has occurred to me in the years since leaving that company that the placement of this prerequisite at the end of the list was no accident; the company was anything but a role model for effective communication (although whether this was the cause or the effect of its limited emphasis on communication skills is hard to say). Memos and reports written by employees were full of run-on sentences, typos, and grammatical errors. Managers, too, often were punctuational illiterates.

But misspelled words and dangling participles were a minor matter compared to some of the issues this company faced. Communication between departments was strained, at best. People in positions of power routinely gave subordinates a hard time. Faultfinding was common when things went wrong—and much went wrong. Customers also suffered from the company’s blaming culture, feeling the impact in the form of service that was, at times, dismal.

It was true that people in the company communicated “verbally and in writing” if you take that phrase to mean hurling words to and fro. E-mail hadn’t yet emerged as a means of communication but that wasn’t a deterrent: Memos abounded, everyone carbon-copied everyone else, and meetings were finger-pointing events. But congruent communication, with all parties seeking to understand and to be understood, was in short supply. Awareness of how to create strong relationships, build trust, manage expectations, and take responsibility for one’s contribution to problems—all of which entail communication—was, at best, limited.

Although I understood that much was wrong in the company, I lacked the vocabulary to describe what I saw, the experience to understand it, and the clout to effect anything more than isolated change. In frustration, I eventually moved on. Since then, as the result of my personal studies, my exposure to wise and caring people, and my business experience as a consultant, speaker, and seminar leader, I’m able to help people—and their organizations—understand their communication difficulties and attain the skills they need to remedy or avoid such problems altogether. This book describes what I have learned about communication gaps.

The first reason is that communication is so fundamental to our very existence that most people don’t see the role it has played when matters go awry. For example, as one technical-support specialist put it: “I sent them an e-mail. If they didn’t read it, it’s not my problem.”

Yet a message sent is not necessarily a message received. In fact, the message received may be far removed from the one that was sent. What’s sent, how it’s sent, whether it’s received, how it’s received—and for that matter, whether it’s actually sent in the first place—all have a bearing on whether communication has taken place. If any of these factors are off, the parties involved will be separated by a communication gap.

The second reason that problems caused by flawed communications are so prevalent is that most people, believing themselves to be capable communicators, deny responsibility for the problems. Therefore, when they create a communication gap or slip into one created by others, they are quick to brush it off as an isolated occurrence: “Just one of those things. Could have happened to anyone.” Or they decide that others are at fault: “They should have known. . . .” “They should have understood. . . .” “They should have asked. . . .” It’s the They Syndrome in action.

The third reason for the prevalence of problems is the direct opposite of the second: Many people who aren’t skilled in the art of communication do know they are not, but they have neither the opportunity nor the motivation to improve, most probably because they don’t see the connection between their communication weaknesses and their inability to truly succeed in their careers. As they see it, they are managing to make do, and that’s good enough.

A fourth explanation for the prevalence of communication gaps is that some human endeavors are so prone to communication glitches that we all fall victim at one time or another. As Donald Norman points out, “. . . if people often seem to be at fault, especially different people over long periods of time, then the first place to look for the explanation is in the situation itself.”¹ Take the common act of two people talking to each other, for example. What could be simpler? Yet the opportunities for misinterpretation are endless. The problem is not that people are necessarily poor communicators; rather, we just don’t make the effort—or even realize we need to make the effort—to ensure that we understand each other.

¹ Donald A. Norman, Turn Signals Are the Facial Expressions of Automobiles (Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley, 1992), pp. 170–71.

With communication gaps, by contrast, you can do much more than just bridge them: You can reduce their prevalence, size, and impact. You can accomplish this result by becoming attentive to gaps, appreciating their impact, noticing how they affect you and your organization, taking responsibility for the part you played in creating or maintaining them (or in falling victim to them), and by making changes that will minimize them. Certainly, you won’t get rid of every communication gap you encounter; no one can. But you can go a long way toward minimizing the harmful effects. And if we each do what we can, together we can shrink a lot of gaps.

To help you close the gaps, this book

• describes the many ways that communication goes awry and the potentially damaging consequences

• helps you become aware of the communication problems you contribute to or fall victim to

• teaches you ways to become a better observer of the communication problems in your organization

• provides you with models and tools for resolving or preventing communication problems and gives recommendations on how and when to use them

• provides you with terminology, concepts, and information that will help you communicate these ideas to others

Section 1: Gaps in Everyday Interactions. The miracle isn’t how poorly we communicate, but how well, given the prevalence of misunderstandings and misinterpretations in our interactions. Still, we could do much better. Chapters 2, 3, and 4 focus on three ways miscommunications occur in everyday interactions. You have experienced all three—I guarantee it!

• As the section’s opening chapter, Chapter 2 describes communication flaws that lead the intended recipients of a message to react in ways that the senders then describe as “They didn’t listen.” This chapter describes senders’ responsibilities for ensuring that their messages get through.

• Chapter 3 addresses the way both senders and recipients mislead and are misled by familiar terminology. A comic strip I came across years ago aptly portrays this problem:

John:   Do you have four-volt, two-watt bulbs?

Ron:    For what?

John:   No, two.

Ron:    Two what?

John:   Yes!

Ron:    No.

• Chapter 4 presents a model for analyzing a message recipient’s experience upon receiving a message. This chapter explains why a person, on hearing a comment or question, sometimes responds in puzzling ways; the chapter also describes ways to avoid or debug such situations.

Section 2: Gaps in Building Relationships. This section’s four chapters discuss the steps individuals and groups can take to work together effectively and to minimize conflict.

• Chapter 5 presents communication strategies for building the foundation for a strong relationship with those with whom you’ll be working. The recommendations in this chapter will help you avoid excessive, prolonged, or unresolved conflict.

• Chapter 6 describes differences in communication styles and preferences that can drive you crazy if you don’t understand, appreciate, and respect them. The chapter provides practical suggestions on how to accommodate variety—for the good of all concerned.

• Chapter 7 offers ideas for dealing with people whose behavior you find troublesome or stressful. Along with a variety of techniques, this chapter describes the use of a Perspectoscope, a tool I’ve invented for gaining insight into other people’s perspective.

• Chapter 8 focuses on communication techniques to maintain and strengthen relationships throughout a project or work effort. A relationship, like a person, must be cared for if you want it to survive and thrive. This chapter suggests ways of doing that.

Section 3: Service Gaps. Directed at vendors, suppliers, and providers who would rather have deliriously happy customers than ones who are grumpy and irritable, this section contains three highly practical chapters.

• Chapter 9 focuses on the view from the customers’ perspective, detailing the role of communication in creating customer satisfaction. When, what, and how you communicate can make all the difference.

• Chapter 10 addresses flaws and failures commonly found when assessing customer satisfaction. The chapter provides essential guidelines for successfully gathering and using customer feedback.

• Chapter 11 describes service level agreements (SLAs), which help providers and customers communicate more effectively. Beginning with a description of the most common flaws in establishing SLAs, the chapter includes guidelines for creating effective SLAs.

Section 4: Change Gaps. This final section is for you if you’ve faced change in the past and anticipate that you will again in the future—and want to become better at it.

• Chapter 12 describes the experience of change and presents a model for understanding when and how to communicate during times of change.

• Chapter 13 provides recommendations for managers, team leaders, and others who want to excel at introducing and managing change.

The concluding chapter, “On Becoming a Gapologist,” offers a special challenge to the readers of this book, by way of a real-life gap that I faced.

Personal effectiveness refers to changes you can make on a personal level, in your own actions, attitude, or behavior, for your own self-improvement, or to help your organization. You can make these changes whether or not your organization backs or supports you. For example, if you were to discover that you sometimes speak in a blaming tone, and you modified that tone, you’d be using your personal effectiveness. You don’t need anyone’s permission to change your tone of voice; it’s your choice. The same is true if you decide to return calls to customers sooner than is customary, or to ask clarifying questions to avoid misinterpreting your teammates’ comments. The choice is yours.

To strengthen your personal effectiveness, ask the following questions as you examine the communication gaps discussed in this book:

• What am I currently doing well?

• What communication problems have I noticed?

• How am I part of the problem?

• What can I do better or differently?

• What can I change immediately, and what will take time?

• What commitments am I willing to make?

Notice that these questions focus not just on identifying what you can do differently, but also on recognizing your strengths so that you can use them as tools and catalysts.

Organizational effectiveness refers to changes that require attention and effort at an organizational level, whether that level is your entire organization or a specific subset of it, such as your team or department. These changes to policies and practices may require input, support, or approval by others. For example, instituting new processes for assessing customer satisfaction would be an example of improved policies and practices. So would building strong relationships with other departments after a reorganization and kicking off a project by establishing group norms.

To strengthen your organizational effectiveness, ask the following variation on the previous set of questions as you examine the communication gaps in this book:

• What are we currently doing well?

• What communication problems have we noticed?

• How are we part of the problem?

• What can we do better or differently?

• What can we start doing immediately, and what will take time?

• What commitments are we willing to make?

These questions, too, focus not just on identifying what your organization can do differently, but also on recognizing your strengths so that you can use them as tools. As you read this book, I encourage you to appreciate what you’re already doing well, and to be honest about what you can do to improve your personal and organizational effectiveness.

1. Communicate early and often. More precisely, communicate with appropriate parties

• when a relationship is new—in order to build a strong foundation

• throughout the relationship to ensure you’re in sync and to make adjustments if appropriate

• when you become aware of a communication gap—so that you can take steps to close it before it widens

2. Communicate in multiple ways. The workaday world operates at a hectic and often chaotic pace. If you want to ensure that your messages reach your intended destination, convey them in multiple ways, using verbal and written communication, words and images, e-mail and telephone. In addition, alternate between informing and listening, and between providing and requesting clarification.

3. Communicate about how you’re going to communicate. Let people know how you are going to keep them informed and how you wish to give and receive feedback. Tell them how quickly you expect to respond to their requests, ideas, and suggestions. Discuss how you will respect each other’s communication preferences and how you’ll handle conflict. The earlier in any undertaking you communicate about how you’re going to communicate, the fewer snags you’ll run into later.

4. Give and get clarification. Don’t assume that your message always reaches the other party in the manner you intend or that you always receive the other party’s message in the manner it is intended. In both cases, it is important to check and double-check. Ask questions. Verify that you and the other party both understand what is being said. Finally, accept the fact that, despite your best efforts, miscommunication will occur. Try to understand what caused the miscommunication, but be gentle with yourself. Perfection is impossible; just do the best you can.

5. Apply a generous interpretation. When someone responds in a puzzling, confusing, or disturbing way to something you say or do, try to refrain from responding in kind, lashing out, finding fault, or jumping to conclusions. Often, the explanation for the person’s response is much simpler, and far more positive, than anything you might imagine. Therefore, start by considering positive interpretations, and ask questions to validate your impressions.

6. Communicate congruently. Congruent communication, as described by the late family therapist Virginia Satir, balances self, other, and context—that is, your own needs, desires, and goals (self); those of other parties (other); and the setting or environment in which you’re interacting (context).² Incongruent communication is that which leaves one or more of these out of the mix, resulting in an imbalance.

² Virginia Satir et al., The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond (Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books, 1991).

The engineers of the Union Square station found a clever way to close the gap, placing only a small responsibility on the thousands of passengers who pass through this station every day. Perhaps, someday, somehow, we can find as elegant a solution in the realm of communication. In the meantime, I hope you’ll find useful ideas in this book to help you improve your skills as a communication “Gapologist.”