CHAPTER 9

SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT

A common lament I hear from CEOs and senior leaders is how visible they’re expected to be. The need seems unending, as if it’s never enough. There’s a perception chasm between how much leaders feel that they’re communicating and how little their teams believe they are. I’ve heard CEOs who have come up through the ranks of the same organization they’re currently leading express surprise and exasperation at the pressing need to be seen so often and so deeply in such a personal, human way by people who they thought already knew them. It can be overwhelming, especially for reserved personalities. But people need to see for themselves what the leader believes.

Early in my career, I did a short stint in marketing for a media company in the midst of a turnaround situation. A venerable institution, the company had been in decline for years, and a new CEO had been brought in to transform the business from the ground up. Everyone knew, from the old timers to the new folks like me, that this required exquisite vision, precise execution, and an intense amount of fortitude.

In those early days of the CEO’s tenure, when he held town hall meetings on the main floor, the room was packed. These were not-to-miss events. People would stand on desks and chairs to physically see the CEO speak. They wanted to see his conviction. Did he have what it took to make the company a success?

Some employees who’d been there for decades had witnessed numerous failed attempts to resurrect the company, with leaders coming in full of promise only to exit swiftly and quietly. The employees wanted to see whether this CEO had true conviction. It wasn’t enough to hear it—they needed to witness it. I can still sense the intense focus in that room. (In case you’re wondering, it didn’t work out and the company was eventually sold.)

At this point, I’ve had a behind-the-curtain seat at dozens and dozens of companies going through major changes, from risky startups to established corporations. What stays consistent is the very human need we have to see for ourselves how much conviction our leaders actually possess. We can’t invest until we see it. It’s not enough to read it in a well-crafted email or to have someone relay it to us. We are the final arbiters of our own buy-in.

Conviction is the last component of passion. It’s the closer. We engage through our energy, we deepen the connection with emotion, and we show our mettle through conviction. When we seek to inspire others, we are encouraging them to believe. When we demonstrate conviction, we show that we already believe wholeheartedly, making it safer for others to take that leap. As with passion, when we show our own conviction, we are lending it out to another. Such as in this exchange:

“Do you think I can actually get that promotion?”

“Do I think you can? I know you can. You’ve worked hard, you deserve it, and I have zero doubt that you are the best candidate. Go for it!”

“Maybe you’re right. I have worked hard for this.”

When you imagine that conversation, you could probably hear a certain tone behind the words or even visualize the nonverbal communication of the people speaking. If I asked what someone showing conviction looks like, you could likely conjure a series of images in your mind. Maybe you even saw a certain principled person that you know.

Conviction: We recognize it when we see it. One of the primary places that we look for this quality is in nonverbal communication. It’s not enough to speak with conviction; we also want to see it reflected. This chapter will cover how to project conviction through our entire presence.

THE NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION QUAGMIRE

You can’t escape a class or training about communication skills without hearing the importance of nonverbal communication. Experts give all kinds of (often contradictory) advice about what kind of nonverbal communication is the best. Some recommendations are ad hoc, while others are based on the decades of formal studies. Social scientists have produced voluminous amounts of research on the relationship of nonverbals to communicating power, trustworthiness, and influence.

Perhaps the most cited nonverbal research—often without correct attribution or a full understanding—is that of UCLA psychology professor Albert Mehrabian from his studies in the 1960s.¹ You’ve probably seen the “55/38/7” rule that when we communicate, 55 percent is communicated through facial expressions, 38 percent through tone of voice, and only 7 percent through words. As I wrote about in The Power of Presence, Mehrabian has attempted to rein in decades of misinterpretation by explaining that his research was limited to a narrow situation when the communicator was speaking about his like or dislike of something.² Regardless, these figures get continuously invoked to make the case that nonverbals are running the impression show.

In fact, nonverbal communication, and its interpretation, is extremely complex and nuanced. What is included in nonverbal communication exactly? Where does verbal communication stop and nonverbal begin? Communicators are evaluated on a spectrum of behaviors, including words, tone, facial expressions, gestures, posture, touch, spatial distance, and appearance. One Harvard study focused on nonverbal expression and power identified seventy distinct nonverbal behaviors and skills that people evaluate.³

When trying to improve as a communicator, it’s no wonder that people get stuck on nonverbals and body language. It’s a tough nut to crack! While it gets considerable attention, there are contradictory guidelines, further nuanced by human complexity. When I’m speaking about presence, audience questions about nonverbals are ubiquitous. I’ve had more than a few coaching clients request “checklists” of the most powerful nonverbals.

And this is what I have to tell them: There is no right way to stand, gesture, speak, touch, or even dress. It all depends.

Now I know this is probably not what you want to hear. But think about it. Have you ever seen someone deliver a presentation with all the correct body language—perfect posture, considered pauses, big gestures—and yet there was no connection? Or have you seen the reverse? Look at some of the most viewed TED Talks. While the speakers are engaging, they aren’t professional orators by any means. Their nonverbal styles vary widely. What they have in common is that they’re authentic and engaged.

So, how do you say it like you mean it? It comes down to alignment. You need your nonverbals to match your words, and both to match your intent. If we want to show conviction, verbal and nonverbal should support each other, not create noisy static. That’s the aim. Yes, body language matters, but so does the context. And so does your personality. How you do it doesn’t have to be how I do it. Culture plays a role, as does individuality. I’ll never forget the woman I coached who, after moving to the New York office from Asia, had been told she should make large gestures to show power, even though this was in direct opposition to how she was raised and to her quiet nature. (You can guess that I told her to ignore the advice and find her own way.)

Given my background, you may be surprised to hear that I struggle with how much emphasis to give to nonverbal communications. I see how people get fixated on the wrong things, and risk coming across with less conviction and far less authenticity. I also realize that there’s a desire to get clearer and be more effective in this area. As a continual surprise to me, a piece I wrote for Forbes in 2012 called “Confessions of a Former Public Speaking Trainer: Don’t Waste Your Money” remains the most-read article I’ve published. In it, I argue that we’ve placed an overreliance on technique at the expense of conviction. Guess I’m not the only one thinking that.

Yes, we want clarity. What’s the best way to manage nonverbal communications to get our messages across? Knowledge helps us make informed choices. In this chapter, as we discuss how to show conviction, this feels like an important conversation to have. So, let’s talk about how to avoid getting stuck in the nonverbal quagmire, how to know the boundaries—based on research, not hearsay—and how to chart one’s own path. I’ll share some concepts that I’ve found to be most helpful around nonverbal communications, and provide ways to put your whole self behind your message. You show conviction when you speak with clarity, alignment, and full-body presence. You can decide what that looks like for you, in any particular situation.

START BY REALIZING WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW IS PROBABLY WRONG

In Chapter 4, we discussed the psychological phenomenon of the transparency illusion, which says that we overestimate how much others understand about what we’re feeling. We believe our thoughts are written all over us—when in fact, we’re quite opaque.

Overconfidence comes into play when we’re reading other people, too, says David DeSteno, a psychology professor at Northeastern University who studies physical signs of trustworthiness. “Researchers in the academic, business, and military communities have spent years trying to uncover a few simple methods for detecting trustworthiness but, despite their best efforts, continue to come up short. . . . And, as a recent report by the Government Accounting Office revealed, even the tactics Homeland Security and TSA agents are trained to use don’t work reliably.”⁴

DeSteno and other researchers in the field have found that when it comes to reading body language, we actually look at clusters. For example, it’s not just the lack of eye contact, but also the shoulders hunched and the turning away of the face, that tell us someone isn’t on our page. Additionally, we take context into account. If I’m sitting in front of you sweating, you may believe that I’m anxious. But if you learn that the elevator is broken and I just climbed eight flights of stairs, then your opinion swiftly changes.

DeSteno conducted an experiment to determine what cluster of nonverbal communication behaviors signaled untrustworthiness in another person. He found four nonverbal acts—leaning away from a partner, crossing one’s arms, hand touching, and face touching—were reliable indicators of untrustworthiness, but only when occurring together.⁵ One act alone didn’t count; it was the cluster that mattered. DeSteno found this effect to be so reliable that he was even able to replicate it by using humanoid robots programmed to show the same nonverbal signals. Participants who saw the robots exhibit those four behaviors reported trusting them less.

An interesting sidenote: DeSteno found that participants couldn’t exactly identify what behaviors caused them to trust or not trust someone. He also reported that people actually talk themselves out of their initial impressions through rationalization and logic. “I had a bad feeling after interviewing John, but he was recommended by Sally, so I must be wrong.”

Other research has shown that people are overconfident and over-reliant on facial expressions. We believe that if we can “see it in their face” then we’ll know with certainty. But a study conducted at Princeton suggested otherwise. It showed that while people believe facial expressions are most important, body language was actually a better indicator of another person’s emotional state. In the study, when participants were shown photos of a person experiencing an intense emotion, those who saw only the face guessed the emotion correctly 50 percent of the time. Those who saw face and body together or only the body had a far higher accuracy rate.⁶

Eye contact is another area that gets muddled by friendly advice and common wisdom. As kids, we’re told to make sustained eye contact. Early in our careers, we get the message to “look them in the eye” when we talk to show conviction. Public speakers worry about making demonstrable eye contact across a large room.

With the rise of global business, many of us have seen that eye contact is culturally dependent. What’s assertive in one country may be aggressive in another. Further, even sustained eye contact in the U.S. isn’t what we think it is. When we’re speaking, it’s natural and comfortable to make eye contact, look away to think, come back to eye contact and look away again.⁷ When talking, we build a strong connection by making eye contact about 60 percent of the time, with each steady gaze lasting about seven to ten seconds. When we’re listening, we tend to make eye contact more of the time. But when we maintain eye contact for too long without breaking, it feels too intense (or even creepy). There’s absolutely a difference between sustained eye contact and the lack of eye contact that smacks of lack of confidence or evasiveness. But eye contact needn’t be an endurance test.

What does all this mean? Should we just give up even trying to manage our nonverbal communications because we’ll probably get it wrong anyway? No, not exactly. Just be aware that there’s no simple answer or quick fix. We assess nonverbals in clusters, often without even knowing why—and we’re overconfident about what we can pick up, and from which sources. So, if you’ve been hyperfocused on one aspect of your body language, like gestures, don’t expect it to be a panacea because it’s just one part of what people notice. On the other hand, it also isn’t as big of a deal as you might have feared.

If you want to show conviction, instead of picking your nonverbal communication behaviors apart with a scalpel, a better approach is to get your head in the game, and let your body follow the lead.

WHEN YOUR MIND SPEAKS, YOUR BODY LISTENS (AND THE REVERSE)

If you’re like me, you grew up with a family member who chided you to stand up straight. My grandmother was forever concerned about my posture, worried what others would think of me—or what I’d think of myself—walking around slouched over trying to make myself smaller. While her nagging was particularly annoying around my tween years, it did result in a certain way of carrying myself as an adult. For that, I’m now thankful.

My grandmother had never heard of the term “embodied cognition,” but that’s exactly what she was getting at on some level. Not only does our brain impact our body, but our body also impacts our brain. When we stand up straight, we’re starting a positive cycle where we feel better about ourselves.

The link between our bodies and how we think and feel (and the reverse) plays directly into displaying conviction and managing nonverbal behavior. If we know the emotion and energy we want to convey, that’s more likely to show up in our body language. When we display that emotion and energy, then it confirms our conviction that much more. Sounds like a little bit of hocus pocus, but researchers have proven it empirically.

Harvard Professor Amy Cuddy is well-known for her work on power poses, having delivered a TED Talk and published a book called Presence. Cuddy and her Harvard colleagues performed a study examining how powerful and powerless poses affect our bodies and minds.⁸ Powerful poses are large and take up space, such as standing with legs apart and hands on hips or spreading out in a chair. Powerless poses are when we make ourselves small, such as when we cross our arms and legs, or when we hunch over. The researchers found that when participants made powerful poses for a few minutes, their testosterone levels went up and cortisol levels (stress hormones) went down. Powerless poses had the opposite effect.

Cuddy’s intriguing study brings a physiological element to what had been studied as a mental effect. It will undoubtedly be studied further. A 2015 study set out to confirm Harvard’s findings, but couldn’t replicate the chemical changes. However, the study did find that people felt more powerful in powerful poses.⁹

Other studies have similarly shown how our bodies affect our feelings around confidence, power, and influence. Posture is an area with a heavy mind-body correlation. A 2009 study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology looked at how our posture impacts our self-confidence.¹⁰ The researchers had participants assume erect or slumped over postures, fill out mock job applications, then rate their strength as candidates. The study showed that posture had a significant effect on these ratings. Sitting slumped over was associated with lower work-related self-confidence than sitting straight up.

Even when people simply describe powerful people, posture is a key part of it. Participants in research studies have described powerful people as having an erect posture and forward lean.¹¹

Adam Galinksy at Columbia University is a recognized expert in how hierarchy and power impacts thinking and behavior. Discussing his work in Scientific American, Galinksy writes: “Not only does power change the body, but altering one’s posture changes one’s power, or at least the psychological experience of it.”¹² His research has found that posture is the closest correlate of power-related behaviors. “Only posture affected the implicit activation of power, the taking of action, and the tendency to see the forest for the trees.” Galinsky argues that posture is even more indicative of actual influence than one’s hierarchical position. If you carry yourself with influence, others will react to you that way.

It’s easy to see why you can enhance your show of conviction through a confident posture. After all, both are about assurance. I’ve previously discussed the value of smiling to show openness, and to invite another into the conversation. Though not all Inspire Path conversations are ones to smile about, when they are about positivity, optimism, joy, or excitement, smiling works in more ways than one. In another example of our bodies influencing our minds, studies show that when we smile it elevates our mood. Smiling benefits happiness and physical health, and even helps the heart recover more quickly after stressful events.¹³ Not all smiles are equal, however. In real smiles—known as “Duchenne smiles” in research—we smile with the side muscles of our mouths and our eyes too, crinkling them in the corners. Duchenne smiles involve both voluntary and involuntary reactions. We can recognize the difference in others and in ourselves.

Where does all of this leave us? I’m the first to admit that it’s complicated. Let me sum it up in three ways. First, people desire to know the right way to show up verbally and nonverbally to be most effective. Second, there is no right way: We don’t respond to someone’s communication style trait by isolated trait. We take them in through a series of aspects that we can’t always logically explain. Third, instead of trying to get a checklist of communication attributes to put on like a suit, we’re more effective when we consider the nuanced ways that we can put our thoughts in our bodies, and let our bodies confirm our thoughts. Rather than perfection, we should strive for alignment. In this way we can show conviction from our most authentic place.

GUIDELINES, NOT RULES

To show a passionate conviction, we must speak like we mean what we say. If others can’t recognize that we believe what we’re saying on a deep and authentic level, they will never take the leap with us. The bigger the mental jump we’re asking someone to take, the more conviction we have to present. This doesn’t mean that we have to be rigid or controlling. We can still keep an open mind and hold the outcome lightly. We’re displaying our conviction so others might catch some for themselves. In this way, it’s a passionate invitation.

Because there’s so much nuance around communicating conviction, especially the nonverbal components, I’ll do my best in this section to boil it all down to what’s most consistent and relevant. This includes the most frequent advice I give to clients to help them be convincing and inspiring communicators. I hope that by now you’ve gotten that I don’t believe it’s helpful to get overwhelmed with technique. Please don’t use this as a checklist! Remember that others read you through a cluster of signals, so rather than hard and fast rules, I’ll present guidelines for what you can consider to show up with a clear head, aligned words and body language, and an ability to express conviction around what you’re communicating.

TRY ON THE MESSAGE

When we’re preparing for a conversation, it’s typical to concentrate primarily on what we want to say. As we discussed in Chapter 7, to show passion, we need to connect to the heart of the message, understanding our connection to it. This forces us to stop and get our head and heart in the game. Once we know what’s meaningful to us about our message, then we need to ensure that our body supports the words coming out of our mouths.

The first part then, getting underneath the emotion and setting an intention, is a mental reflection exercise. The second part, however, is a physical reflection exercise. To convey the emotion behind the message, it helps to visualize—to see in your mind’s eye—what that emotion looks like for you. How does excitement show up in your body? How about gravity? Concern? Joy? Urgency?

This is not about finding a right way. It’s not about imitating. It’s about sitting with the emotion you want to convey and the message you want to communicate, and considering what that looks like in action. Consider it a sort of dress rehearsal. If you need some inspiration, take a look at some of the communicators who you admire and see what they do. But in the end, the answer to this question will be unique to you.

This process doesn’t require a significant investment of time. If you walk into the conversation crystal clear on what you care about, and you’re able to visualize how to convey it, then it will flow through the rest of your delivery.

SPEAK SIMPLY

In this section we’ve talked mostly about body language, but what we say and how we say it deserves attention as well. When a conversation carries weight, we can fixate on speaking the right words or getting our sentences just right. We may even bring in fancy words or esoteric data to make ourselves seem smart or validate our arguments. My advice here: Simple is best.

A 2016 Carnegie Mellon analysis of the rhetoric of presidents and presidential candidates found that most speak at a sixth- to eighth-grade level.¹⁴ Lincoln topped the list by speaking at a tenth-grade level. For some this sounds dispiriting—but think of the broad audience presidents need to address and the need to be inclusive. There’s an interesting message here for all of us. You can communicate complex ideas using simple terminology. Most business leaders can handle more intellectual rigor, certainly, but everyone likes to be communicated to at a comfortable comprehension level. This allows us to fully get what you say, not to get hung up on words that we don’t quite understand or complex concepts that require deliberation while you’re already making your next point. Further, using SAT words to show off our vocabularies isn’t helping either. Many people throw out big words to appear intelligent, when research indicates that using unnecessarily complex words makes you seem less smart.¹⁵

Beyond the type of words to use, declarative sentences come across with the most conviction.

We will see more global innovation in the next year than in the past decade.

You can change your team’s culture.

I stand by the sales projections.

This is in contrast to the qualified language that all too often waters down our statements. It can be as common as prefacing our main points with “I think.” (If you’re speaking, we already know it’s what you think.) We also insert caveats that we hope will offer more explanation or give us a buffer. One of the effects of thinking so much faster than we talk is that we think of caveats on the fly. When we do this and speak them aloud, it makes our speech sound rambling and hard to follow. It also makes us sound uncertain. Qualified language sounds like this:

I think we might see more innovation this year than in most of the previous decade.

You can change your team’s culture if you are able to hire the right people to join the company. Of course, that all depends on how the hiring market looks this year, and if we can talk leadership into more competitive salaries.

Our sales numbers are solid, but I just realized that you’re probably concerned given what happened with last year’s projections when Jonathan had my position. I still feel they’re correct.

Beyond speaking declaratively, we also show conviction by talking slowly and using an energetic tone of voice. When we’re speaking one-on-one or with a small group, it’s easier to use vocal variety and to sound conversational because we’re in an actual conversation. When we’re speaking to a large group, we can lose the normal ups and downs of vocal inflection that keep speech from sounding monotone. This is where using stories and emotion words can help to instill tonal variation and change up our cadence and tempo. You can also highlight key words in a talk to ensure that you put extra emphasis on the points you care about.

ORIENT YOUR BODY LANGUAGE: OPEN, UP, AND TOWARD

While the research on body language isn’t always consistent, there are findings that keep coming up in research and are worth bearing in mind. If you are trying to inspire, then you need to get people to take a step toward you. Therefore, your body language should be inviting. To show conviction, we need to display confidence and commitment. Luckily, there is great alignment among how to project all of these. Body language that supports openness and confidence looks like this:

Keeping yourself open: Standing with hands at sides and not crossed, using natural gestures that support your points, keeping a stance with legs at hip width apart, sitting with arms at sides rather than in front of you.

Holding posture up: Shoulders back and not hunched over, posture straight yet not rigid, balanced and centered without leaning toward one side or weighted on one hip.

Coming toward the other party: Leaning toward another rather than away, stepping out from behind a lectern or desk, walking into an audience, and turning your midsection (not just your face) to the other parties you’re addressing.

Now this may seem like a lot to remember when you’re trying to be authentic and present and all the other things I’ve suggested. Just remember the acronym OUT: Open, Up, and Toward. You’ll hit most of what you need to show conviction and increase your resonance through body language.

Now, here’s an even quicker shortcut: learn to manage your default posture. We all have a go-to way of standing and sitting. We’re in this natural position most of the time. If you don’t know what your default posture is, ask someone to observe you or try to observe yourself. Are you Open, Up, and Toward? If not, try to correct it when you can. For example, my default is to cross my arms. This is not an inspiring stance, and definitely gets in the way of my desire to show up in an open way as a coach! When I notice myself crossing my arms, I gently move them to my side or on armrests of a chair. It doesn’t take a ton of preparation or even recognition to get to a more aligned body orientation.

SMILE. UNLESS YOU SHOULDN’T

I’ve said it before, and there’s not much more to say than the obvious: Smile early and often, unless it’s inappropriate to your message. Of course there are times when the occasion would be grossly inappropriate to smile, for example, eliminating someone’s position or counseling a grief-stricken team. But for the most part, if you want to inspire more, smile more.

Smiling puts both you and the audience at ease. It encourages connection. It relaxes the body, flooding it with good emotions. Especially when nervous or uncomfortable, it’s easy to come across as overly serious. (For a fun experiment, watch a video of leaders speaking with the volume turned off to see the message that their body language sends. A speech meant to rally the troops can look like a layoff announcement.) To make your smile real, insert lighthearted asides, jokes, or stories that make you naturally feel good. This way, no faking is needed.

YOU BRING THE WEIGHT TO WHAT YOU SAY

If we care about what we say, and we’re relaxed and comfortable, conviction should come through easily. It’s when we’re playing on uncertain terms, or in new or high-stakes situations, where we start to get in the way of our own message. We may mean what we say, but that meaning gets lost—and with it, the strength of our conviction. Rather than trying to dissect your words or nonverbal communications, think about alignment. Figure out what you care about and how you want to show up to convey that. Then ensure that your whole body underscores that message. Again, don’t use the ideas in this chapter as a checklist, but as considerations so you don’t get in the way of your message. Only you can bring the weight to your words, and only in your own way.