CHAPTER 8

MOVING HEARTS BEFORE MINDS

“You’re very emotional.”

That doesn’t sound like a compliment, does it?

Emotion is generally the opposite of what we’re striving to show. In the workplace, and to a larger extent in life, we don’t feel free to express ourselves emotionally. There are plenty of cultural signals, organizational cues, and straightforward warnings that tell us we should guard against emotionality. Instead, as we discussed around authenticity, we typically strive for a well-practiced stoicism at work, keeping our emotions in constant check. Any lapse in our composure feels like a character flaw.

And yet, as we consider passion, it is inherently emotional. In fact, passion is an emotional state. The Oxford English Dictionary defines passion as “a strong and barely controllable emotion.” Enthusiasm without emotion comes across as flat or disingenuous—not very passionate at all. It’s the emotion that lets us know what’s real. If we want to have an Inspire Path conversation where our passion for the person or situation comes through, then it requires us to rethink how we show our emotions.

Similar to energy, in an effort to engage with emotion, we have to calibrate. I’m not talking about sobbing openly or rampaging through the office. Clearly, these behaviors are off-putting. But I am talking about being willing to show and use emotion authentically and strategically to project a passionate commitment. Going back to the passion breakdown in Figure 7.1, this requires awareness of one’s self and of others to determine the right balance.

Whether you’re comfortable showing emotion or not, the reality is that we are all intensely emotional beings. It’s how we show our humanity, and how we communicate empathy. Emotion has an effect on others that words alone can never have.

I’m reminded of this when delivering keynote speeches. Like everyone else, I’ve ingrained the practice of keeping my emotions contained and exhibiting calm. My early training was around cultivating a polished presence. Yet I have to go against that training to connect with my audience. I know the more I share of myself and allow myself to be real the more the audience can identify with me. One of the ways I push myself is to use stories that have deep meaning to me. In the telling, my true emotions come through—sometimes they even get ahead of me. My voice will shake, or my face will flush. It’s not planned; I can never tell when it will happen. A few weeks ago I read a line from a poem about courage that I’d read at my grandmother’s funeral. It didn’t affect me at all when I rehearsed it, but when I was on the stage it hit me in the chest. My voice thinned, and I could feel my emotions rising. My first instinct was to be embarrassed for losing composure. But then people came up to me after the talk and thanked me for what I shared. They told their own stories, which were similar to mine. They connected with me in a meaningful way. The real, emotional, human stuff is what has the most impact—every single time.

When we share our emotions, we allow others to share theirs. The emotions are already there, inside them, unexpressed. It’s the observing of emotions in someone else that brings them to the surface. In Chapter 4, we discussed authenticity at length. It makes sense that revealing our emotions is part of how we show others who we are. It’s reflected in PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi’s discussion of being wholehearted at work. When we can reveal an emotional side to ourselves and to our message, we bring head and heart into it. It resonates in a more meaningful and personal way.

I understand that I’m going against some readers’ longheld beliefs by suggesting that we show more emotion, especially in business. Stay with me. Remember, we’re in a conversation about passion, inspiration, and connection. We’re talking about communicating in a way that gets people to make big changes, tackle tough challenges, or fully invest themselves. These kinds of actions are dripping with emotion, either holding you back or propelling you forward—whether or not you even know it. Emotions are guiding our choices and pervading our thoughts all the time. This chapter will discuss what underlies this dynamic, and how we can put emotion in service to our boldest goals.

YOU’RE EMOTIONAL EVEN WHEN YOU’RE TRYING NOT TO BE

In Chapter 3 we explored the myriad of cognitive biases that invade our thinking and preclude us from making logical decisions. Recall how Daniel Kahneman’s concept of System 1 and System 2 work. Our minds are trained to make snap judgments based on cognitive biases and historical experiences (System 1) which only get confronted when something requires further analysis from System 2. Further, we make decisions and operate in the world through a veil of irrational biases. Duke University professor and behavioral economist Dan Ariely, in Predictably Irrational, argues that, by and large, we don’t even know what’s impacting our decisions.¹ In Chapter 3 I outlined several biases, such as recency bias and confirmation bias, but these are only the tip of the iceberg.

Social psychologist and New York University professor Jonathan Haidt, who studies morality and emotion in people and systems, coined a popular phrase in behavioral economics and neuroscience circles: “The emotional tail wags the rational dog.”² Based on his research, Haidt argues that we make decisions emotionally and then justify them with logic. For example: “I feel nervous to present my idea so it must not be ready.” He calls this phenomenon social intuitionism and argues that it has far-reaching consequences in how we arrive at decisions and opinions. First we intuit, and then we contrive moral judgments that support that intuition. Haidt believes that the intuition part isn’t actually reasoning, but a knee-jerk emotional response that we often can’t explain.

Some convictions are so deeply held that we can’t logically explain them at all. Haidt calls this moral dumbfounding. In his research, Haidt set up examples of situations where participants couldn’t articulate the reasoning behind a strongly held conviction (like why it’s repugnant to give a starving person a dead pet to eat). Then he asked the participants to explain their visceral disgust. He provided a rational answer for each reaction, for instance, “We eat farm animals that are pets; people in other countries believe it’s normal to eat the same animal.” Finally, this leads the participants to say, “I can’t explain it, but it’s just wrong!”³ This isn’t to say that we should get people to change their minds about repugnant situations, just that some decisions are made from pure emotion, with logic left out of the picture.

It’s not only in offensive situations where you can see this kind of emotional conclusion without a rational argument. Just look at elections. It’s widely known in political circles that people decide whom they’re going to vote for emotionally, and then justify it through factual reasoning. This is why likeability is of huge concern to candidates, and a primary area of polling. This kind of moral dumbfounding makes it nearly impossible to change someone’s mind about their preferred candidate—unless new, overwhelming, contrasting evidence causes them to reflect on their decision. That’s why you can’t get your Uncle Dan to change his vote, even with a vociferous and well-documented case for why he’s wrong. Not to mention, why posting political comments on social media is a useless exercise.

HAVE I GOT A STORY FOR YOU

Emotion is a key part of how we process information, and while it can get in the way of logic, it also makes us care. Without emotion there is no empathy. Our emotional responses call upon the deepest parts of our humanity. Look at how charities encourage you to give money. They put images of starving families on the screen, or interview children visibly stricken with cancer. In 2015, St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital ran a holiday campaign asking for donations to “give thanks for the healthy children in your life and those who are not”—bringing to mind the loved ones you hold dearest. It worked on me: I sent money.

Pulitzer Prize–winning New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof travels to the darkest places around the globe to document horrendous crimes and suffering. His aim is to make people care. For example, he tries to shake readers out of complacency about millions of displaced war refugees by showing the impact on individual families who are not so different than his comfortable readers.

In the HBO documentary Reporter, Kristof describes how he’s driven to find relatable, memorable stories in his travels.⁴ He’s found that people aren’t affected by statistics, and in fact, overwhelming numbers have a numbing effect. “How can I make a dent in helping 795 million hungry people in the world?” we ask. Instead, he finds the most gripping stories to share, which incite discussion and mobilize people to help. You may recall the reaction in 2015 when the image of the drowned toddler off the coast of Turkey generated an international outcry to deal with the Syrian refugee crisis. It took that emotional, horrific image to instigate global awareness.

Stories have a unique way of hitting an emotional and resonant chord. We discussed in Chapter 4 how stories convey authenticity. Part of the reason is that a good story evokes emotion. And in fact, stories do much more than that.

Neuroeconomist Paul J. Zak studies how our brain processes support virtuous behaviors such as trustworthiness, generosity, and sacrifice. As part of that work, he’s researched the human reaction to stories.⁵ Zak finds that stories attain their power in several significant ways. First, they command our brain’s attention and focus, which are very limited resources. Second, they invoke emotion, which causes empathy. This makes us care about the other person, uses more of our brain function, and enhances retention. Third, we’ve evolved to pay attention to stories for our own learning. Similar to a “car accident effect” we zero in to see if there’s something we need to learn to protect ourselves. Finally, when we listen to stories, our brain releases oxytocin, also dubbed the “love hormone.” Oxytocin enhances our sense of trust and empathy; it makes us feel that we can safely approach others.

Zak argues that oxytocin is central to our reaction to stories. In his research, he’s studied the effects when people are given even a synthetic version of oxytocin via nasal spray. In one such study, participants were given the synthetic oxytocin while viewing various public service ads from charities. Those given the oxytocin donated to 57 percent more of the featured charities and gave 56 percent more money than the participants given the placebo.⁶

Luckily, we don’t need to put oxytocin up people’s noses to get them to care. All we have to do is tell a great story and let nature take its course.

ARISTOTLE SAID IT FIRST

Many years ago, in my graduate program in communications at Purdue University, I was unhappy to learn that everyone had to take the rhetoric course. I was there to study political behavior and persuasion, not fourth-century debate style, which seemed antiquated and irrelevant. Nonetheless, I ended up learning foundational elements of rhetorical persuasion that have stayed with me. One is known as Aristotle’s modes of persuasion, often called the rhetorical triangle, seen in Figure 8.1.

Aristotle argued in his treatise that we are most persuasive when we combine all of these elements. Yes, logic and reason have a role. Presenting oneself as credible and authoritative is key too. And, as you can see, emotion has an equally important place in persuasion. It’s not an either/or scenario. We’re most likely to change minds when we can speak to both the head and the heart.

Figure 8.1: Aristotle’s Modes of Persuasion

So let’s bring this back to passion or, to our larger mission, inspiration. We, too, have more than one tool at our disposal. When we can put our own heart behind our message, we bring emotion out in others. It has a contagion effect. Even when our Inspire Path conversation is quieter, with more listening than orating, emotion still plays a role. By sharing our own feelings, we connect on an emotional level.

Now, let’s talk about how to turn this idea into action.

GETTING TO THE HEART OF THE MATTER

Before we jump into tactics, it’s worth noting that some may feel ambivalent or disdainful about purposefully tapping into their own and other people’s emotions. It’s understandable. After all, we’ve made considerable efforts to show up as unflappable and logical. Culturally, making an emotional case can feel sleazy and wrong, as if we’re trying to trick someone. And certainly world history is littered with despots who played dirty through the use of emotions.

So let’s frame the situation up front: When we bring emotion into our Inspire Path conversations, we’re not faking or manipulating. We’re authentically communicating the emotions that we already possess. We’re bringing to the surface the emotions of others—which are guiding their decisions and thoughts already. In short, we’re communicating in a wholehearted way.

Consider three ways to infuse your communications with more emotion: emotional appeals, emotional language, and storytelling.

INCLUDE AN EMOTIONAL APPEAL

Going back to Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle, one way to ensure you’re touching upon the emotional side of communications is to ensure that you have an emotional appeal. Our go-to appeal is logic. We think through our main points, and form a coherent argument for what we want to say. Especially when communicating with those who don’t know us well, we also demonstrate our credibility by highlighting our expertise and background. This is what introductions are all about. Yet, we leave out the emotional appeal—and this is the part that brings the passion to our words.

There is no one right way to make an emotional appeal, but Robert Cialdini’s model in Chapter 3 provides a handy and useful one.⁷ Cialdini outlined six principles of influence, each of which can convert into straightforward, inspiring emotional appeals. Again, these could be in the domain of shifty advertisers trying to get our money, as Cialdini cautions. But there’s another side to emotional appeals as well. They can come from a place of positivity and inspiration.

PRINCIPLE OF PERSUASION	EMOTIONAL APPEAL COULD BE . . .
Appeal to Authority	“We have the history and expertise to tackle this challenge.” “I’m asking you as your leader to stand with me on this.”
Appeal to Scarcity	“Time is of the essence. This is our chance to show the market what we can do.” “We’ve got one year to turn this company around. Let’s rise to the challenge.”
Appeal to Reciprocity	“I’ve always had your back. Will you support me in a promotion to this role?” “I was glad to make the introduction to my colleague a few years back when you were looking for a new position. Would you mind connecting me to John in your network?”
Appeal to Consistency and Commitment	“You’ve said before that you admire our culture. I’m asking you to spread the word to help us recruit.” “You’ve mentioned how much you appreciate the trust between us. I’d like your honesty now about this issue.”
Appeal to Liking	“We have a long shared history. I hope that we can speak as friends.” “I started as an intern here, just like many of you. I understand where you’re coming from.”
Appeal to Social Proof	“95 percent of our employees volunteer their time in the community. Won’t you join us?” “Every member of senior management has taken a pay cut, including me. We ask everyone to share in reducing costs.”

The emotional appeal doesn’t have to be complex and it doesn’t have to dominate the discussion. Just considering the emotional component that you want to convey and putting it on the table brings relevance to the conversation. The emotional appeal can frame the conversation; it can be an impactful point or a takeaway. For example, you may want to set a tone of collegiality by reminding someone of your shared history through anecdotes. You will find, however, that most passionate speeches—and our most memorable conversations—have a strong emotional appeal to them. They touch us, and because of that, we remember them.

SPEAK WITH EMOTION WORDS

Another way that we can convey emotion is literal: We can use emotion words. Emotion words tell the receiver what the speaker is feeling personally, or wants the other party to feel. Because emotions are always swirling under the surface anyway, emotion words can provide language to those thoughts and feelings. In Chapter 2 we discussed the dichotomy of motivating behavior coming from a place of love or fear. Emotion words can be uplifting. Or they can give voice to fear, so that it can be tackled at its core. Language is generative: It creates meaning which gets passed along, creating meaning for others.

Not all language is created equal. When a speaker gets up and goes through thirty slides of facts and figures our emotional reaction is dulled. When that same speaker shares her feelings behind the facts and figures, provides anecdotes that elicit excitement or concern, and uses strong emotional words to cue our own responses, then we have a fuller, multisensory experience. It’s the difference between:

Let me lay out all of the facts to show you why this plan will work. (Non-emotive language)

and . . .

I have absolute confidence that we’re prepared and ready. Here’s why I’m excited. (Emotive language)

Usually the most convincing argument isn’t an either/or but rather a both/and, as Aristotle so eloquently showed. Provide the logic, and underscore it with emotion.

Most of the non-emotive leaders I work with know they aren’t engaging, but they can’t figure out what to do about it. One simple fix is to help them inject their conversation with emotion words. Instead of only conveying the facts, share the emotion behind those facts. Figure 8.2 may provide some ideas for how to put more emotion words into your communication. The most common emotions that leaders try to convey and instill in others are confidence, joy, anger and urgency. At first anger may seem like a risky emotion to show, but it’s an important one. Leaders may need to express frustration at a situation, show disappointment at a problem, or call out a wrong. Researchers have found that moral anger has a strong positive role in organizations.⁸ Think about whistleblowers or leaders who go to the mat for their teams.

If you’re trying to convey an emotion, see if any of these words help it to take shape. How many of them are already a regular part of your dialogue? If not many, use this list to help crystalize your next conversation. Sometimes, what we’re missing is just the right word.

Figure 8.2: Emotion Words for Inspired Conversations

TELLING AN EMOTIONAL STORY

In this book, we’ve touched upon stories in a couple of different ways. In Chapter 2, we talked about how our embedded stories can hold us hostage and inhibit growth. In Chapter 4, we discussed how to illuminate authenticity by sharing leadership stories. What makes stories powerful, either positively or negatively, is that they carry emotional weight. Stories are an inspirational tool that we can cultivate to bring passion and emotion to Inspire Path conversations.

Storytelling has significant impacts: focusing our attention, providing clarity, enhancing retention, and eliciting trust. You probably already know you should incorporate stories into your repertoire. Most leaders I’ve met agree they should tell more stories because they’ve been told storytelling is a leadership attribute. Yet, when I ask leaders in an audience to raise their hands if they think they’re good storytellers, few brave souls do. And when I asked why they feel unskilled at telling stories, they say they:

Aren’t sure how to tell a good story

Lack the right skills and tend to mess up the delivery

Don’t know what a listener would find interesting

Forget about it in the moment

The attention on storytelling in the leadership development industry is warranted, but there’s an unintended consequence: it’s turned something natural and intuitive into a seemingly difficult skill. If you need a two-day workshop to learn how to do it, it must be hard to master! It’s enough to make good storytellers doubt themselves.

Storytelling requires no advanced skills. You already have everything you need—your voice and your experiences. Effective stories can be long or short, fact-based or anecdotal. For stories to affect us emotionally they need to have just a few elements. I provided this model in The Power of Presence and have used it frequently with clients. It clicks storytelling into place for most people, and empowers them by showing how simple it actually is. (After introducing it to an audience with a few minutes to practice, nearly all hands are raised when I ask again who’s a good storyteller. I kid you not. It’s that easy.)

A good story has:

A clear moral or purpose—there’s a reason why you’re telling this story to this audience at this time.

A personal connection—the story involves either you or someone you feel connected to.

Common reference points—the audience understands the context and situation of the story.

Detailed characters and imagery—there’s enough visual description that we can create a picture of what you’re seeing.

Conflict, vulnerability, or achievement we can relate to—there’s action to the story, with challenges revealed and acted upon in a context we understand.

Pacing—there’s a clear beginning, ending, and segue back to the topic.

That’s it! There’s no magic formula beyond this. You can play around with the elements, such as providing more or less detail, but a story structure doesn’t need anything else.

Stories evoke emotion by their very nature. You can think about telling stories whenever you want to lead, inspire, or motivate others, create trust, or show connection. Good times to tell stories include when you are:

Motivating people around important initiatives, culture, or strategies

Simplifying complexity and aiding in retention

Building trust with people who don’t know you

Helping people change

Getting others to personally invest in an idea

Allowing others to know your leadership style, expectations, and values

Beyond how and when to tell a story, it may be helpful to consider the variety of stories you can tell. I created this rubric for my executive clients to encourage them to think broadly about the types of stories they currently tell, and how to stretch themselves. You may find that you tell stories, but only a certain kind. Leaders can use stories in myriad situations. Consider which ones you may use now, and can incorporate in the future.

Stories Leaders Can Tell

Challenge Stories: “We can do this.”

Relating Stories: “I get you. You get me.”

Metaphoric Stories: “Let’s look at it a different way.”

Vision Stories: “Imagine what we could do.”

Potential Stories: “Think where you’ll be next year.”

Cautionary Tales: “Let’s not make that mistake.”

Humorous Stories: “Let’s keep perspective.”

Now that you have this material, hopefully, you can see a path to tell more stories like the leaders in my workshops. And when you do, you’ll see their impact by the reaction the stories get, what they bring out in others, and how they connect your audience to you.

As a plus, you won’t have to memorize stories to tell. After all, you already know them.

EMOTIONS IN SERVICE TO ______________.

“You’re very emotional” may still not seem like a compliment, but it is a truism. We are emotional beings, and we respond to emotions with emotions. If we’re having Inspire Path conversations, emotion makes them more real, more resonant, and more passionate. Our emotions are guiding our thoughts and actions always, and by thinking about emotions strategically, we can put them in service to our most inspired goals. Instead of making emotions something we hide or tamp down, consider how they can support your message. How can emotions be strategic and in service to you? What emotion do you want to impart? By crafting our communications to be both logical and emotional, we truly can inspire with head and heart.