SKILL SIX: QUESTIONING
Questioning is a method for gaining information and increasing understanding.
2. IDENTIFY PURPOSES FOR USING THE SKILL
a. To gain information so you can assist the person with his or her concerns. Often the question will enable you to gain information for aiding the entire family during the arrangement conference.
b. To be able to question effectively increases understanding for both you and the person(s) you are helping.
As a good general rule, question for only two purposes:
to obtain specific information, and
to direct the person’s interaction with you into more helpful areas.
3. ENHANCE UNDERSTANDING OF QUESTIONING
Questioning is one of the most important helping skills for funeral directors. Both the funeral director and the family use questions to obtain information to clarify and to explore feelings and thoughts. We will discuss only a few of its many features for the purpose of this training.
In the majority of instances, leading or open questions, rather than closed or pointed questions, are preferable. When you use leading questions, the person has a tendency to talk freely; you will unknowingly avoid putting answers in his or her mouth.
Open-ended questions encourage self-exploration. They are intentionally broad in nature and give the person freedom to determine the amount and kinds of information to give. In developing the ability to “artfully” use open-ended questions, the helping funeral director also communicates a willingness to assist in explorations of any content anyone wants to discuss.
Be aware that open-ended questions help:
a. Allow the person to tell more about what he or she might be thinking or feeling. For example ask, “Could you tell me more about that?”
b. Help the person better understand. Ask the question, “What do you think about music being played at the service?” as opposed to “Do you want to have music at the service?”
c. Focus on the feelings of the person. This concept is demonstrated when you ask, “How do you feel about having the casket open or closed?” as opposed to “Do you want the casket open or closed?”
A closed question often emphasizes factual content as opposed to feelings. The use of too many closed questions can sometimes demonstrate a lack of interest in the process of creating a meaningful funeral for the family. People can tell if the funeral director just wants to “get the information to do the job” versus a genuine attempt to understand the needs of the family and create a meaningful funeral.
This is not to say that closed questions never have a place. Obtaining such information as date of birth and social security number are natural closed questions. Just be certain not to ask too many questions in a row that require only a yes or no answer, a specific recall, or a short one or two word answer.
Keep in mind that if you begin an interaction by asking closed questions and getting more answers you often set a pattern that is difficult to break. By initiating this pattern, you will be communicating that you have the responsibility for asking questions, and the person with whom you are talking is to answer them.
In effect, the person becomes an object, an object that answers when asked questions and otherwise, keeps quiet. By starting the question-answer patterns, you are plainly telling the person that you are the authority, the one in charge, and that only you know what is important. If you do think you are the only one that knows what is important, you might want to consider another vocation because as a funeral director you will find yourself getting disappointed and frustrated quite often.
One other important note. When using questioning behavior, it’s also critical to adjust your pace to that of the person. Going too slowly can suggest a lack of interest or understanding. Going too fast, however, is to miss important areas necessary to explore.
Going too fast also can be very confusing and disorienting to a person in grief. In a subtle way, it also says you are not really interested. Also, please remember not to push anyone to reveal more than he or she is ready to reveal at any time. The ability to first establish the relationship will allow for movement into areas which are difficult or painful to discuss. Obviously, knowing when to ask questions and how to pose them effectively is a vital skill for the funeral director.
In using questioning, be concerned about the readiness of the other person for questions and for the specific kind of questions—open-ended or closed. The following are reminders when questioning:
a. be aware that you are asking questions,
b. carefully weigh the content of the questions you do ask,
c. evaluate the need to ask questions,
d. examine the different types of questions available to you, and
e. become sensitive to the questions asked of you, whether asked directly or indirectly.
4. ILLUSTRATE THE USE OF QUESTIONING
(Keep in mind that open-ended questions are preferable when possible.)
Closed-ended: “How long was your dad sick?” (This question requires only a simple response, does not build relationship or allow the person to teach you about his or her experience.)
Open-ended: “Could you tell me a little bit about your dad’s illness?”
Closed-ended: “Do you want to receive friends at the funeral home?”
Open-ended: “What do you think about receiving friends at the funeral home?”
Closed-ended: “Do you remember some good times?”
Open-ended: “What are some of the times you remember best?”
By using open-ended questions when appropriate, you should be able to
a. help the other person become more trusting and open with you,
b. gather information without seeming to demand it,
c. create a helping relationship based on respect,
d. help maintain a meaningful conversation,
e. begin a conversation that will be continued by the other person, and
f. gain an increased understanding both for yourself and the other person.
Trainer will do any additional role-play modeling to enhance the ease of learning for participants.
GROUP REHEARSAL WITH TRAINER QUESTIONING
Directions
The trainer will invite the group to ask him or her questions. The task is for everyone to practice asking open-ended questions.
This will allow everyone to practice in the group setting in a non-threatening environment. The trainer will provide immediate feedback on the questions and make any suggestions for improvement. This activity also allows participants to observe that many ways are available to gather information without seeming to demand it. In addition, a list of common areas where questions are asked in arrangement conferences will be reviewed. Participants will be encouraged to ask follow-up questions and clarify any misunderstanding related to this skill.
TRIAD BREAK-OUT REHEARSAL QUESTIONS
Directions
Work in triads. One person (speaker) should talk freely for five minutes about any topic of interest. The second person (helper-listener) to whom he or she is speaking will concentrate on using the skill of questioning. The third person (observer) will be available to provide follow-up feedback on the appropriateness of the questioning.
Each member will rotate through each of the three roles: speaker, helper-listener, and observer. The trainer will circulate throughout the room and be available for questions and concerns.
Expectations
Again, this will provide immediate feedback as participants work to develop this skill.
7. SUMMARIZE AND LIST GUIDELINES FOR THE SKILL
8. NOTES OR QUESTIONS YOU HAVE FOR THE TRAINER RELATED TO THE SKILL