Choice 20
The Power of Silence
One of life’s interesting ironies is that silence, often associated with passivity, is such a potent force. Silence can help us become centered, calm, introspective, and perhaps even wise. And silence can often get our point across much more effectively than the most persuasive argument.
First, consider how important silence is for learning. When we speak, it is difficult to learn more than what we already know. But when we silently listen to what others have to say, whole new worlds are available to us. We can begin to understand things from the perspectives of others, and we can have access to what they know that we don’t. As we listen to the concerns and opinions of others, we are freed, for a time, from worrying about our own self-focused problems and we can learn a bit about what it would be like to be in someone else’s circumstances. Silently listening holds the key to a fuller, more informed, and empathetic experience of life.
Although silence may seem uncomfortable at first for those who are used to constant noise, and perhaps especially for significant extroverts, it offers valuable gifts for those who learn how to use it well. Even when we encounter conflicts in which we decide we must take a stand, silence can be a powerful ally to help us achieve our ends. In Chapter 6 on emotional kung fu, some of the advice offered in the book Getting to Yes was shared concerning negotiations. The authors Fisher and Ury also persuasively argue for the use of silence:
Silence is one of your best weapons. . . if they made an unreasonable proposal or an attack you regard as unjustified, the best thing to do may be to sit there and not say a word.… If you have asked an honest question to which they have provided an insufficient answer, just wait. People tend to feel uncomfortable with silence, particularly if they have doubts about the merits of something they have said.167
Obviously Fisher and Ury see silence as a powerful negotiating tool that often is much more effective than actively trying to explain or argue for your position. They continue,
Silence often creates the impression of a stalemate which the other side will feel impelled to break by answering your question or coming up with a new suggestion. When you ask questions, pause. Don’t take them off the hook… Some of the most effective negotiating you will ever do is when you are not talking.”92
Silence offers yet another valuable treasure—it provides the opportunity for us to listen to ourselves. At the outset of this chapter I pointed out that when we talk we limit our opportunity to learn from others. Nevertheless, we can also learn to listen to ourselves in a new, more effective way, to hear what our inner voice has to teach us. Author Parker Palmer put it this way, “We listen for guidance everywhere except from within. . .(we believe) that simply because we have said something, we understand what it means. But often we do not… we need to listen to what our lives are saying and take notes on it, lest we forget our own truth.…”93168
This idea suggests a different kind of silence. It might be an intentional silencing of our mind from its usual chatter while we are speaking and looking for the deeper lessons in what we are saying. Or it might be choosing periods of silent reflection to concentrate on what our mind has to say silently within.
To bring to life some of the primary themes of the power of silence, imagine the following exchange between Susan and her co-worker Tom, who normally treats her with ongoing hostility.
“You’ve done it again, Susan. Your planned agenda for our upcoming department meeting hardly even acknowledges the work I am doing on the new customer service program. I don’t care if it is your turn to plan the agenda, you are obviously acting in a self-serving way and snubbing my hard work!”
Susan felt emotion welling up inside of her. Her immediate reaction was to view Tom’s comments as an attack on her personally, simply because he didn’t like her. But she resisted the temptation to attack him back, as she normally would have, out of anger. Instead she went silent and let her mind and emotions settle down while looking squarely at Tom with an expression that indicated she was giving him her full attention.
A few moments went by and Tom began to shift uncomfortably. Meanwhile, Susan thought about the agenda and how she had purposely scheduled Tom’s review of his new program for last so that it could receive full attention once other more routine department details were out of the way. She did in fact feel that the program was important and had specifically scheduled it in a way she thought would best allow it undivided attention. “It must be that Tom is upset about being scheduled for last,” she concluded silently in her mind, “but I need to verify this to be sure that I understand his concerns.”169
Finally, Tom spoke again, now sounding less sure than before. “Well, what bothers me is that you scheduled me as the very last item on the agenda. Don’t you think my work is important enough to deserve more priority?” Tom finished, now sounding more hostile again.
Once again, Susan paused for a few moments as she allowed any defensiveness she felt to ease and reflected on what Tom had said. She calmly studied his growing uneasiness. Finally, she spoke, noticing a slight look of relief on Tom’s face. “On the contrary, Tom, I think your work on the new program is very important. That is why I scheduled it as the main focus of the meeting after all the routine department details have been considered.”
“Oh,” Tom responded simply.
A few more moments passed and Tom continued, “I guess I might have jumped to conclusions.”
Tom now stared at Susan, expecting some kind of acknowledgment to what he thought was an indirect apology on his part.
Susan remained silent but attentive.
“Sorry about that. Thanks for scheduling it so it won’t get lost in the details,” Tom heard himself saying even to his own surprise as he began to see the logic in what Susan had done and wished to end the tension he felt.
“That’s OK, Tom. Glad to help,” Susan responded and then returned to her attentive silence.170
“OK, see you at the meeting,” Tom said as his voice trailed off and he left Susan’s office with a combined expression of relief and a little confusion.
Choosing silence can introduce a beneficial force in our lives. It can be a primary tool for enjoying more effective communication, enhanced learning, meaningful personal growth, peace, more effective relationships, and enriched feelings about our life and our work.