Choice 5
Feel Your Feelings

I must confess that the ideas in this chapter were the most difficult for me to work on. Why? Because the day I began to ponder them was September 11, 2001. I realize that 9/11 has been talked about and written about far and wide, and one more treatise about its place in history would not contribute much. Nevertheless, I believe it should be acknowledged, partly because of its vast impact on the emotional state of millions of people around the world, but perhaps even more so because of the dark challenge it poses regarding the idea that we can choose how we feel. What follows are some excerpts from what I originally wrote on 9/11.

As I sat down to begin work on these ideas I was confronted with a wave of difficult feelings to grapple with. Multiple U.S. planes had just been hijacked and turned into deadly weapons… on CNN I saw footage of an American jetliner crashing into one of the gigantic twin towers of the World Trade Center creating a huge explosion. The other tower had been hit in similar fashion just a few minutes earlier and was in flames. A little while later the huge twin towers,… housing thousands of civilian workers and visitors, both collapsed.

Over the next few minutes more devastating reports… an explosion at the Pentagon… Another plane crash in Pennsylvania… Evacuations of the White House, the Capitol, the Treasury, and then all federal buildings in Washington D.C.… and major airports across the country.

I sat stunned. I felt as though I had just sustained a series of powerful emotional blows. Could such a cruel act be put in perspective?… and I was faced with the irony that I was engaged in writing a book that argues that the way we feel is a choice. This is indeed a difficult claim when external tragic events send our feelings into a turbulent frenzy. Even in the small college town of Amherst, Massachusetts, a seeming haven from big city tragedies, the headline of our local newspaper read “Tears and Prayers” and talked of “the most devastating terrorist onslaught ever waged against the United States” and of “digging out the dead.”65

Thinking about emotional discipline with this kind of overpowering backdrop challenged me to the core. What could I suggest about feelings that might be of help to myself and others? Indeed, some situations are so extreme that it may appear that the best choice we can make is to just hang on and live through them, overwhelming feelings and all. (I address this idea in greater detail in Chapter 7 when I talk about “weathering emotional storms.”)

Nevertheless, I concluded, we recognize many situations (difficult meetings, setbacks at work, arguments) that we should be able to deal with more effectively, but we often find ourselves responding to them with a deep loss of composure or by avoiding them altogether. For many of life’s emotionally challenging situations there is much value in learning to squarely face them and to feel the feelings they provoke. My thoughts went to more spiritually oriented literature. I thought of writers who advocate inner reflection and meditation such as Jon Kabat-Zinn, author of the bestseller Wherever You Go, There You Are, who teach that when we meditate we can just sit with whatever comes up, even difficult feelings.³² We can simply be with our thoughts and emotions nonjudgmentally and without any sense that we have to change them.66

This suggests a powerful way to deal with difficult feelings and to begin to transform them. Don’t retreat. Instead go in closer and be with the inner struggle. Try to trace it to its source. For example, try picturing the feelings as though they were a person, only fuzzier and less defined, whom you are not getting along with, perhaps someone you consider to be a direct adversary or antagonist. Recognize that you could try to avoid this individual and find yourself constantly worrying that you might have a chance encounter. And you might try to slip into the shadows if you ever spot this person heading your way. This approach would produce continuous uneasiness and discomfort.

Another approach is to walk up and look this person straight in the eye, and invite a dialogue on how to repair the relationship. Similarly, you can move in close, go right into your difficult feelings, and allow a process of getting to know and understand them better. Metaphorically, you can look your feelings right in the eye and ask “what are you?” or “who are you?” and courageously stay right there with them. And when you realize that they can’t really harm you (their only weapon is what you allow to happen in your mind) and that you have the strength to face them, you can ask yourself what all the fuss is about. This may be a scary thing to do at first, but stay with it if you can. Allow your feelings to be just as they are but also try to understand them better and to learn from them. The focus on learning can replace much of the fearful energy with curiosity and a desire to make healthy changes.67

Of course, if you find facing your feelings too difficult and more than you can bear, you may want to seek the help of a professional counselor. Usually, though, you will find that even the most difficult feelings are bearable, and that realization alone will increase your inner strength. Sometimes you will even discover that at the heart of difficult feelings there are really nothing but passing thoughts, a kind of wispy mental fog that when faced squarely simply dissipates.

While writing this book I tried this very approach on several occasions, especially during disagreements with others in my work or personal life. Even if they criticized me directly, I was better able to remain relatively calm and effective. I simply tried to recognize my growing feelings and confront them rather than the other person. I tried to understand my feelings and where they were coming from. Interestingly, not only did my difficult feelings seem to disappear in many cases, but the other person seemed to respond to my steady and calm response and became much more cooperative.

The next time you have difficult feelings and find yourself wanting to escape the inner discomfort, I encourage you to resist the impulse. Instead move in closer, study, and learn. Feel your feelings. In making this choice I can almost guarantee that you will feel and be a lot better soon.