Choice 6
Emotional Kung Fu
The greatest martial arts are the gentlest. They allow the attacker the opportunity to fall down. The greatest generals do not rush into every battle. They offer the enemy many opportunities to make self-defeating errors.
—Lao Tzu33
In kung fu, an ancient Chinese art of self-defense, emphasis is placed on using any attacking force to your advantage. Instead of resisting a direct assault, the practitioner averts and redirects the energy. For example, if a punch is thrown at chest level, the defender might fluidly turn 90 degrees to avert the blow while adding an additional push or pull “helping” the attacker to proceed in the direction he or she was already heading. Instead of pitting strength against strength, kung fu calls for using any force thrown your way to actually help you accomplish an outcome that you desire, such as sending opponents to the ground with the energy of their attack.70
As pointed out by the 2,500 year old writings in the Tao Te Ching (known as the Tao), credited to the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu: “The person who initiates the attack is off center and easily thrown.” However, it also goes on to say, “Even so, have respect for an attacker. Never surrender your compassion or use your skill to harm another needlessly.”34 The same logic can be applied to emotional conflicts. Rather than resisting an emotional attack, we can use its energy to work toward a solution.
This strategy can be very useful when we are confronted with interpersonal conflicts. In the book Getting to Yes authors Roger Fisher and William Ury prescribe just this approach.35 They point out that in emotionally charged conflicts, people will often do three things: forcefully state their position, attack our ideas, and attack us. They advise that in facing such an assault we should resist the temptation to push back, defend ourselves, or reject their ideas. Instead we can sidestep and deflect the force of the attack to use their strength to serve our (and their) ends. Specifically, they prescribe inviting criticism and advice that could reveal a solution, recasting the attack as an attack on the problem rather than you, and asking questions rather than making statements.71
For example, imagine the following exchange between two co-workers who work in the same department.
“Lisa, I can’t believe the changes you proposed for the way we report our travel expenses! The process is already screwed up enough without adding mindless details that will make it even more time consuming!”
“I’m glad we both agree, Sarah, that the current procedure is very ineffective. What is it that you don’t like about the changes I have proposed?”
“Well that’s right, Lisa, I do think changes need to be made, but your proposal adds still another form. I think if I have to fill out one more form around here I’m going to scream!”
“I see. So your primary concern is that we not add yet another form to all the red tape that we have to wade through around here. You have a good point. Do you see a way that we might be able to change the process without adding another form?”
“Well I must admit I hate the old form—it is very poorly organized and it asks for a lot of unnecessary detail. If I had my way we would just throw it out.”
“Interesting idea but it does seem that there are some parts of the original form that are required by corporate policy.…”72
“Why can’t we just add those few items to your new proposed form at the very top?” Sarah interrupted now in a bit less exasperated tone.
“Good idea, Sarah. I don’t see why we couldn’t do that as long as we make sure items 1 through 6 and 9 and 11 are included,” Lisa responded, while studying the two forms on her desk. “I was not pleased with the idea of adding another form to the process either, but the old form is so confusing and tedious.”
“I agree,” said Sarah, now sounding pleased. “Imagine if we could finally get rid of that old form. And now that I look at the way you’ve laid out your new one, it does fit our department’s needs much better. I’d be glad to back you up with this idea at the next department meeting.”
“That would be great, Sarah. I think the solution we’ve formulated together could really help us all out. We seem to make a good team.”
“I’ll tell you what, Lisa. If you give me another copy of the two forms (she had thrown them away in disgust when she first received them attached to a copy of Lisa’s proposal), I’ll work on developing a combined prototype that we can present.”
“Thanks, Sarah. That would be great!”
This same kind of approach can be used for internal emotional conflicts. For example, rather than fighting your feelings you can acknowledge the importance you place on whatever it is that’s bothering you. You can also use the energy of the emotion to place more focus on the problem and ask yourself how you might be able to improve the situation. The key is to avoid fighting the strength of the emotion directly but rather redirecting its strength to work toward a desired end.73
Emotional kung fu can be an effective self-defense process for your life. With practice, much of the seemingly negative emotion that comes your way, from both outside and within, can become an important energy supply for positive change. Choosing to use this energy to your advantage, rather than fighting it, can be a key part of practicing emotional discipline to feel and be better in your work and life.