Choice 23
Have an Out-of-Ego Experience
He who is full of himself, is likely to be quite empty.105
An article on the scandal at Enron Corporation looked beyond the dark story of upper management’s abuse of power and how the executives misrepresented the organization’s financial situation, leading to bankruptcy and the loss of the life savings of thousands of workers. Instead, it examined what motivated Enron workers to want to work there and provided important clues about how such mass deception could be accomplished.106 It revealed a story of how the human condition can make us vulnerable to the allure of gaining importance, opportunity, and riches. Ultimately it revealed a story of the power of the ego.188
The emotion-filled comments of former Enron employees were quite revealing. One said, “The opportunity. . . lit me on fire. It was like a drug.” Another commented, “The risk was not going to Enron and not having the chance to fulfill my aspirations.” Still another said, “For an energy-efficiency nut. . . Enron was like nirvana.”107 Working for Enron carried with it a strong emotional appeal for many workers who saw the company as a chance for not only a better life but an opportunity to fulfill their dreams. Perhaps this sad story leads to the recurrent conclusion of many philosophers, psychologists, and spiritual teachers alike. That is, our ultimate struggle in finding a healthy and fulfilling life resides within ourselves. And the most formidable challenger of all is that inner force generally referred to as the ego.
The ego resides within, but it can powerfully shape how we see things outside. It can in fact shape our very world. Most of us live in a world filled with ego. It is natural to view aspects of life in terms of how they affect us. But if we allow this tendency to mindlessly unfold, it can lead to some rather unfortunate views about our life experience. If the meeting room we are in, along with many other people, becomes warm and stuffy, it can seem like a personal inconvenience directed at us specifically. When a baby begins to cry during the climax of a captivating movie playing in a full theatre, it can feel as if only we are bothered.189
Similarly, when praise and recognition are being doled out to members of a group or organization we belong to, the praise we receive personally seems to matter most. If criticism is being served up, the primary negative feelings we experience stem from whatever negative evaluation seems to be directed at us specifically. And we look to see if we get our fair share of benefits, rewards, inheritance, and even the fresh baked pie being served for dessert. So it goes—much of the time, if left unchecked, the ego rules.
The “ego” is a handy catch-all concept for the source of not only our strongest human wants and desires but also our disappointments, anger, indignation, frustration, and the bulk of our other negative feelings in life. “It’s not fair!” “How dare she say that to me!” “I don’t deserve this garbage!” “Why does this stuff always happen to me?!” When the ego gets ruffled, life can feel pretty bad indeed.
Frequently, the key to turning things around is not so much to change what is going on in our lives but to get “out of the ego.” One arena where this is particularly important is interpersonal relationships, especially when there is a disagreement. Joel and Kate Feldman, directors of the Conscious Relationship Institute, teach a powerful communication-mirroring technique they call the “Conscious Dialogue.”108 Although challenging to master, and containing several nuances best learned through repeated practice, a quick summary of the technique follows. When you feel your emotions arising in response to criticism or frustration expressed by someone toward you, make a disciplined choice to:190
Mirror back what you hear being said without making a judgment or trying to interpret hidden meanings- Ask if you are understanding correctly and if there is more that the other person wants to say
- And finally express what you can understand in what the person is saying and affirm their feelings
I have both experienced and observed in others the power of this technique for breaking loose from the ego and processing difficult emotional moments constructively. At a practical level it can accomplish the kind of out-of-ego listening that is expressed in the poignant words of psychology professor and author Michael P. Nichols,
Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire and judgment—and, for a moment at least, existing for the other person.109
If we can shake loose of the grip of our insatiable egos, we can experience life from a fresh new perspective.
Poetry is yet another tool that can help us separate from our usual ego-based perceptions. Both writing and reading poetry can unleash a more transcendent view of the world. Consider the following poem.
Perfect Imperfections
Up the road most traveled by191
I met my potent inner lie.
Amongst the beauty in my life
I found light storms of inner strife.
Every perfect hill or cloud
was a gift in darkened shroud.
Peaceful gratitude escaped my hold
because my ego was much too bold.
For every hallowed well shaped tree
I thought of more pleasing far from me.
In the blue and sacred sky
I recalled more glorious in mind’s eye.
Crystal rain drops began to fall
but not as perfect as my recall.
I knew then why peace eludes my touch,
I miss the splendor in way too much.
In a person, plant, or brook
potential joy escapes my look.
The closer I see the pieces of my life
I bleed from imperfection’s cutting knife.
Nothing, nothing can withstand
the critical scrutiny I command.
And so the sights on distant shore
seem more precious to explore.
Yet the real beauty is at hand
in my life right where I stand.
To look more deeply at the flaws
and see in them a heavenly cause.
And only then to find the bliss, 192
bestowed on each a sacred kiss.
Each living piece of puzzle grand
was shaped and fashioned by God’s hand.
To see vast oceans in one drop of dew
and behold the heavens in a breath I blew.
To sense all creatures in one tiny flea
and God’s own face in all I see.
Such imperfections perfect be,
It’s now God’s eye from which I see.
—Charles C. Manz
There is yet another approach for choosing to have an out-of ego experience. Chapter 9 outlined some basic techniques for meditation. By combining meditation with the popular phrase “Let go and let God,” we can create a very effective strategy. After relaxing the body, and as deep abdominal breathing is being established, simply repeat in the mind “let go” on the out breath and “let God” (or “let Godliness” or “let universal energy” or some other phrase that works for you) on the in breath. Each time “let go” is repeated, picture all the negative emotion, ego involvement with the world, and even any sense of who you are, flowing out of the body (sometimes it helps to picture these things flowing out as dark smoke). And as “let God” (or “let Godliness”.. .) is repeated on the in breath, picture healing light entering the body and the power of the universe redirecting your life in positive and powerful ways.193
It is not necessary to meditate (although it can be quite helpful to most people) to benefit from this approach. Simply choose to have an out-of-ego experience regularly. Periodically throughout the day, especially when you find your ego taking hold of your outlook and negative feelings invading your life, momentarily stop what you are doing. Picture yourself letting go of your thoughts, your feelings… your ego. Then picture positive universal, even spiritual, energy taking over and redirecting your current responses. Let go and let Godliness. It is a powerful life-changing strategy that you can choose to help you “feel good” and to more fully experience your life in all its wonder.