4
Change for the Better
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.
Richard Bach
The only future thing of which we can be absolutely certain is that there will be some degree of change in all of our lives. Learning how consciously to direct the changes in your life towards something more positive is most definitely a very important part of being resilient.
Before we start to examine change in more detail, and look at the impact that it can have on resilience, I wanted to share the story of Meredith Murray. She tells us her story frankly and inspiringly, and she has chosen to call it ‘Butterflies Are Free’.
On June 20, 1995, my life changed forever.
I think of my experience as a metamorphosis, like that of a caterpillar into a butterfly. My cocoon was my coma; my recovery was my metamorphosis. I cannot do many things I was able to do before my transformation. Yet, I am still the same person. And parallel to a butterfly’s entity, I have undergone a complete change.
The Egg
I was submerged in an abyss I had created for myself. From ages 13 to 25, I did everything a parent would not want their child to do. The remarkable thing is, somehow, I survived the drugs, the abuse, and the suicide attempts. My self-esteem was so low at this time, I believed I was ugly and worthless. I rationalized that I would be better off dead.
The Caterpillar
I was driving late at night on a two-lane, unlit, desert road. All that was visible was the moon shadows across the desert, as far as the eye could see.
As the road curved, I saw only the headlights of the 16-wheeler coming toward me, in my lane. I quickly veered to the right, but my car went off the road and flipped, end over end, four times and threw me 100 feet into the sagebrush and sand.
I remember nothing. Where did I go? Was I dead? What did I see when I flatlined? These are all questions that remain unanswered in my head. Does a caterpillar remember what it was like to be a larva after it transforms into a butterfly?
The Cocoon
My family often calls to mind the extraordinary feelings of joy they felt when I finally emerged from my week-long comatose slumber, a caterpillar coming out of its cocoon, changing from one life form into another. I was transforming into a new form of myself.
It did not feel like I was really me. I touched my head and part of my hair had been shaved so the doctors could drill a hole into my skull. They implanted a gauge that measured the pressure in my brain. It stayed there for a week. I could hear myself talking, but I did not know where the words were coming from. It was such a strange experience.
I could not sleep at night. When I moved the pain was unbearable. It even hurt when I blinked my eyes.
My body was not working. I am told I could not hold on to anything. When they put something in my hand, it would just drop open. It was not receiving the messages my brain was sending. Or maybe my brain was not sending any messages.
My brain was not retaining information either. People would tell me things and I would forget what they said, or even if they said anything. I did not know where I was, who called, or who visited. I was very distressed. All day long I cried.
Nevertheless, I do have one memory of this time. July 1, 1995 at 3:15 AM, I woke up, and not remembering where I was or why, I tried to get out of bed. But the nurses had forgotten to put the guard rails up and I fell to the floor, smashing my head on my wheelchair which was parked next to my bed.
I recall seeing flashes of light and silver when my head hit the floor. I remained there for 20 minutes because the nurse had closed my door and no one could hear my cries for help. I was unable to move because the pain from my broken pelvis was so intense.
Finally, I tortuously crawled to the emergency button and pushed it. The nurses found me on the floor. It was an extremely demoralizing experience and a major setback in my recovery.
Emerging from the Chrysalis
At last, one month after flatlining three times, surviving a week-long coma, and persevering through maltreatment at a recovery home, I was transferred to a rehabilitation institute. Here, I received speech, physical, psycho, occupational, and vocational therapies.
Even with all of the help I was now receiving, I became agitated, angry, disappointed, irritable, guilty, and frustrated. Intense psychotherapy helped me cope with these feelings, maintain a sense of self-worth, and ultimately realize and become grateful for my second chance at life.
I still had some residual effects from the accident, but I was now in the proper state of mind to take on my challenges. I was diagnosed with ‘post traumatic amnesia’ (no memory eight days after the accident), and ‘retrograde amnesia’ (no memory two to three weeks prior to the accident).
I had problems processing information and problem solving. A big problem I encountered was anomia, when your brain holds your words hostage. My anomia was a very frustrating component of my recovery. My memory was tested on a scale from 1–100. I was in the 18th percentile. Before the accident, I had been tested and evaluated as ‘gifted’.
The Butterfly
Over the last two years, I have worked with disabled people in several group homes. I currently work as a ‘Neuro Rehabilitation Specialist’ for a wonderful community/job retraining company for brain injury survivors. I have also trained my dog to become a ‘therapy dog’. We volunteer at hospital and convalescent homes in order to bring happiness to the patients.
My outlook on life has been transformed. I now look for the good, or the lesson, in every situation and try to turn every negative into a positive. I learned that it is not what happens to you that is important, but how you react to that which happens.
I currently live independently, in charge of my own life. I have made peace with the new me. As a matter of fact, I like the new Meredith and my new life better. This experience has caused me to evaluate and determine what is important in my life and to change some of my destructive behaviours.
I have taken a traumatic life occurrence and turned it into a rewarding metamorphosis. I am so thankful and happy that I am alive today. Whenever I see a butterfly soar by, I cannot help but think how much my life resembles these magnificent creatures.
Butterflies are Free story reprinted with permission by Practical Psychology Press from The Resiliency Center website.
Meredith’s story is a really wonderful account of how change, no matter how extreme and unsettling, can create positive outcomes and, as one door closes, many more will open bringing with them opportunities.
Like Eleanor’s experience with illness (Chapter 2), it can bring about a new perspective and help you to evaluate what is important.
Modern living has propelled us into a rapidly and increasingly changing world where the escalating pace of change is far greater today than it has ever been. Every aspect of our lives seems to be changing, including the way that we work, the way that we communicate, the way that we shop and eat and, for some, the entire way that we live our day-to-day lives.
It is now quite common for people to change jobs several times. There are those who think nothing of relocating, not only within their own country but also internationally, taking along with them their entire families. It is also now quite common for people to be married more than once, and to have more than one family.
Never before have so many people needed to deal with so many life changing decisions, in so many different areas of their lives, on such a consistent and accelerating basis. Indeed, one of the great challenges of our time is the ability to cope with change. As Charles Darwin observed, the ability to be adaptable is indeed key to survival!
At times, the changes may be only minor; however, on some occasions, they could have a major impact on our lives. A huge amount of upheaval may well cause anxiety, especially if we don’t fully understand why the change is happening. It is important, therefore, to attempt to understand why the change is happening and to focus on the potential benefits that it can bring.
We feel much better about the changes that we know or believe are going to make us better off in some way. It is the changes that we are uncertain of, or believe may be detrimental, that we get most anxious about. It is important to remember that, even in the most adverse situations, there will always be something positive that comes from it; we may just need to dig deep to find out what it is.
On a very positive note, it is helpful to understand that change is a vital criterion for any form of development and, without change, there can be no movement or personal growth and development. Certainly it may well cause upheaval, create uncertainty and ruffle a few feathers; however, it can also open many doors to some wonderful possibilities. Making a conscious decision to be positive and open-minded about change will help you to deal with some of the more negative aspects that it can conjure up.
Whilst it is useful to be positive, we also need to accept that we are human and we will experience a range of emotions during the change process. Everyone reacts differently and some people thrive on change and see it as stimulating and exciting. In fact, they seek out ways in which to change their lives on a regular basis, whether that is through work, relationships, hobbies or even something more dramatic. Some people, however, can become very stressed and agitated and see change as something that totally destabilizes their existence.
Understanding how you react to change is important, and intelligently managing those emotions will help you to stay more in control.
The Grief Cycle Model
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross was a Swiss-American psychiatrist. She wrote a book called On Death and Dying which included a cycle of emotional states that is often referred to as the ‘grief cycle’. She observed that this emotional cycle can also apply to people affected by any change that they perceive with negativity.
The basic model has been developed by many organizations to help examine the emotional roller coaster that people experience when they go through change. Some general key stages include:
The quickest and easiest way to identify your inner resistance is to observe your own reactions and behaviours as you are experiencing change. Knowledge of this cycle is useful, and making notes of how you react in certain situations will help you to understand yourself better.
A strong sense of self-awareness will also help you to take personal responsibility and stay more in control. It is up to you how you choose to react to each situation.
Learning how to manage change more effectively will help you to be better equipped and more positive when it happens to you. So, here are a few things to think about:
It seldom happens that a man changes his life through his habitual reasoning. No matter how fully he may sense the new plans and aims revealed to him by reason, he continues to plod along in old paths until his life becomes frustrating and unbearable – he finally makes the change only when his usual life can no longer be tolerated.
Leo Tolstoy
Sadly, I think this can be true, and sometimes we procrastinate, putting off the inevitable. The danger is that we are wasting precious time in our lives being unhappy when we could turn it all around by embracing change.
Your mind is like a parachute: it works best when it is open. Sometimes we can drag the baggage of the past and superimpose it on to situations without being open-minded and taking a fresh perspective. One thing that I hear a great deal from people who resist change is ‘Well we tried that before and it didn’t work’. Every situation is different, and just because something didn’t work last time it doesn’t mean it won’t work this time.
Accept the fact that you may be emotional during the change process. In the face of change you may feel unhappy, fearful, insecure, unsettled, frustrated. On the other side of the table, however, you may feel enthusiastic, elated, delighted and excited. Any of those emotions will have an impact on your energy levels so it is really important to prepare yourself.
Sometimes change happens and we have absolutely no control over it whatsoever. When this happens you have to choose how you are going to respond. If you resist change and remain rigid and inflexible it will be a lot more difficult and even painful. Going with the flow sometimes is the best approach. It may help to think of yourself as a boat in a storm. If you turn against the waves they will crush you, if you go with them they will carry you home.
Having a positive attitude about change is the right mindset to cultivate. If we go into a change situation believing that it is negative then we are more likely to experience negative outcomes. Whilst it is important to understand some of the risks and pitfalls involved it is also important to focus on positive outcomes.
Some people literally panic when change happens because it totally destabilizes their world. If a major change is occurring, try to keep up as many familiar things as you can as a reminder of how much there is in your life that isn’t changing. Stick to your usual routines, see people you normally see, and reassure yourself that not everything has to change just because some things have.
You don’t need to cope on your own, or keep your feelings to yourself. This can actually be very unhelpful; repressing emotion can cause stress. Talk about it, have a hug, try to see the light-hearted side of the situation and get a bit of reassurance. Being brave doesn’t really win you any awards these days and will always mean managing your issues alone. It may mean finding the courage to ask for help; however, a supportive friend can be the very best tonic and also help you to get another perspective.
Sometimes the way we view a situation can be very narrow because we are perceiving it through our own filter, and will perhaps benchmark it against our previous experiences. It is important to really examine and look at the situation from all angles. Be careful not to get yourself stuck up a one-way street with your thinking. There is always another angle and another perspective.
If you are dealing with a big change, where possible, try to divide the bigger changes into smaller steps. For instance, a house move, a wedding or a divorce involve several stages. When you feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the change, concentrate on the step you’ve reached, rather than the bigger picture.
Change can overwhelm us, especially when our minds race and we start to imagine all sorts of things that could happen. We begin to catastrophize and, before we know it, we feel completely out of control. A good way to gain control and settle our minds is to make a plan of what we are going to do. Prepare a contingency. Write it all down so that you can actually see it. Very often it’s what we don’t know and we can’t see that scares us the most, especially those of us with wild and vivid imaginations.
Every change will have some impact and sometimes the issue with change is that it has a cluster effect. One change often seems to be followed by several more, and it can feel as though your whole world is changing – and that can be quite overwhelming. It is important to get your head around that so that you can deal with it in digestible chunks.
During World War II the British government created the slogan ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’, which has become very popular again recently during challenging times. This seems a very apt personal mantra and, certainly from my observation, people who deal most successfully with change are those who stay calm and carry on positively influencing and adapting to the changes that occur in their lives.
Things do not change; we change
Henry David Thoreau