Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.

Max Lucado

There is a really good story that is told about the Buddha, Gautama (563–483BC), the Indian prince and spiritual leader whose teachings founded Buddhism. This short story illustrates that every one of us has the choice whether or not to take personal offence from another person’s behaviour.

It is said that, on an occasion when the Buddha was teaching a group of people, he found himself on the receiving end of a fierce outburst of abuse from a bystander who was, for some reason, very angry.

The Buddha listened patiently while the stranger vented his rage, and then the Buddha said to the group and to the stranger:

‘If someone gives a gift to another person, who then chooses to decline it, tell me, who would then own the gift? The giver or the person who refuses to accept the gift?’

‘The giver’, said the group after a little thought. ‘Any fool can see that’, added the angry stranger.

‘Then it follows, does it not’, said the Buddha, ‘Whenever a person tries to abuse us, or to unload their anger on us, we can each choose to decline or to accept the abuse; whether to make it ours or not. By our personal response to the abuse from another, we can choose who owns and keeps the bad feelings.’

Sometimes when other people choose to vent their angst and project their frustrations onto you it can be really upsetting. I am currently dealing with someone who feels the need to do this, and I can speak from first-hand experience that it can make you feel very anxious. People who choose to host vexatious behaviours can really get under your skin if you are not careful.

It is important to recognize that this is their issue and not yours and there is no benefit in taking it personally. It also helps to remember that if they were truly happy they wouldn’t behave in that way so that will help you to feel some compassion, which can be helpful.

It is also important to remember that not all conflict is negative. Sometimes a confrontational situation, if it is managed positively, can bring around some very valuable results. In fact if we never had any confrontation then progress may never be made!

What Is Conflict?

Conflict is essentially when two or more values, perspectives or opinions are contradictory in nature and haven’t been aligned or agreed upon. This could indeed be with yourself, when you are not living according to your own values or when your values and perspectives are challenged or threatened by someone else.

Conflict is inevitable and we tend to respond in two ways: we either face it or we run away from it. Stop and think for a moment about a time when you have been faced with a conflict situation. Does it make you want to run and hide away or do you prefer to address it head on? Some people positively thrive on conflict situations and almost relish the stimulation it provides. For example, a ‘driver’ personality (see later on in this chapter) may well be in their element, whereas an ‘amiable’ finds conflict unpleasant and would avoid it at all cost.

What is important to learn, regardless of our initial reaction, is that we must be aware of our natural instincts. Whether we feel like we want to fight or flee when a conflict arises, we can deliberately choose a conflict mode. By consciously choosing a conflict mode we are more likely to contribute productively to solving the problem we are faced with.

Conflict can be really positive because it helps to raise and address problems, and can energize the focus to be on the most appropriate issues with a view to resolution and results. Remember, conflict is not the problem; it is when conflict is poorly personally managed that it becomes a problem. Out-of-control conflict can hamper productivity, demotivate and cause continued conflicts that lead to negative, disruptive and inappropriate behaviour.

Conflict can be a hard thing to face; however, there is value in addressing it. A lot of positive things can come from conflict!

The Benefits of Conflict

Coping with Conflict

Certainly, some people are better at dealing with conflict than others and I have come to the conclusion that some people even enjoy it! How do you react to conflict? Do you fear it and avoid it at all costs? If your perception of conflict comes from frightening or painful memories from previous unhealthy relationships or your early childhood, you may expect all present-day disagreements to end badly. On that basis it is really important that you challenge your fears. If your early life experiences have left you feeling out of control and powerless, conflict may even be traumatizing for you.

If you view conflict as dangerous, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you go into a conflict situation already feeling extremely threatened, it is very difficult to deal with the problem at hand in a healthy way. Instead, you are more likely to shut down or blow up in anger. If this is the case for you then I suggest that you seek out support because any conflict situation that you deal with successfully will require you to feel confident.

Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When it is handled in an un­healthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments and break-ups. When conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases our understanding of one another, builds trust, and will strengthen relationship bonds.

If you are out of touch with your feelings, or so stressed that you can only pay attention to a limited number of emotions, you won’t be able to understand your own needs.

In order to handle conflict situations effectively, you will need to learn and practice three core skills:

If ever you find yourself in a conflict situation with someone and you are looking to defuse the potential volcano that can erupt, this five-step process that I have designed is a great way to cool down the situation.

The cool down model is a good way to defuse the situation. Being aware of what can cause conflict is important too. It could well be poor communication, or not being informed about changes, or simply not understanding another person’s motivation. It is important to understand the reasons for decisions. Disagreement about ‘who does what’, and stress from trying to deal with inadequate information or resources, can be a real irritation.

Personality clashes are inevitable because we are all different, and it can be frustrating when someone doesn’t get our point of view. We can also rub each other up the wrong way and often what we don’t like in others is what we actually don’t like in ourselves.

In conflict we also need to control our emotions and try to not get angry, aggressive or oversensitive. Anger is often stress in denial, and some angry people take pride in their anger and don’t want to change; others fail to appreciate the effect it has on themselves and on others. Without a commitment to change, there’s not a lot that can be done, anger management is only possible when an angry person accepts and commits to change.

A big factor in persuading someone of the need to commit to change and manage their anger is to look objectively and sensitively with the other person at the consequences of their anger. Often angry people are in denial and put it down to acceptable mood swings and the frustration at the situation as opposed to the way that they are choosing to handle it.

Helping angry people to understand that their behaviour is destructive and negative is an important first step. Most importantly, recognizing how you handle your own emotions is key.

If you know that you can be hypersensitive in certain situations, and take things personally, you need to remind yourself of this in moments of high emotion. It may be that we are so involved with the turmoil that is going on within ourselves that we can become defensive and take it out on other people.

Being as objective as possible and focusing on the benefits of resolving conflict is far more positive and conducive to happy living. It is important, on occasion, to concede that we may not always be right and vice versa. After all, life is rather too short for unnecessary negative confrontation and so much better when we resolve our differences and move on from them in a positive and constructive way.