No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again.

Buddha

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Develop healthy coping mechanisms

We will, of course, all react differently to trauma and stress in our lives. Some people take a more stoic approach and keep their feelings hidden; others may become more expressive and emotional. Different personalities tend to process information in a variety of ways and your reaction will be part of your coping mechanism.

You need to be mindful about some of the unhealthy coping mechanisms that can be triggered as a result of grief and pain. I heard an expression once, which is apparently Scottish, and is about ‘knowing your beastie’. This refers to the fact that many of us have the propensity to gravitate to a range of bad habits when we are upset or feel out of our depth. I have outlined five of the most common unhealthy coping mechanisms which you may well recognise as your ‘beastie’.

This is, of course, not an exhaustive list and, when I was doing my research, I came across a whole host of vices that made my eyes boggle! Other unhealthy coping mechanisms that can occur include self-harm, illegal drugs, shoplifting, internet porn addiction and a variety of mental health issues.

At the back of this book, I have cited a range of organizations which may be useful in supporting you if you find that you unable to manage some of your unhealthy habits.

Seek out healthy coping mechanisms

Earlier this year, immediately after my father’s operation, I had to have a cataract operation on my eyes due to a hereditary ocular disease. Perhaps it was partly due to the hangover of stress from my father’s illness or that I am a complete wimp; however, the operation was hugely traumatic for me. The experience of having a needle in my eye ball and my eye scraped and cut (under anaesthetic) was something that I couldn’t shake and every time my mind dragged me back to the experience, I felt as if I was going to be physically sick.

I started dreaming about decorative arrangements of needles with multicoloured eyeballs on the end and I found that a lot of things I looked were becoming distorted and representing that image. So I was feeling sick a lot of the time. This was causing me to feel incredibly emotional and overwhelmed.

I spoke to my friend Cindy about this who had been practising Emotional Freedom Therapy (commonly known as tapping). Emotional Freedom Therapy (EFT) is a form of counselling intervention that draws on various theories of alternative medicine including acupuncture, neuro-linguistic programming, energy medicine, and Thought Field Therapy. Tapping on meridian points on the body, derived from acupuncture, can release energy blockages that cause negative emotions.

This was an incredible experience for me and, after one session and lots of practice, I have now managed to overcome the sickness and don’t feel traumatized by the memory at all. I have listed some websites at the back of the book and I would highly recommend this as an option to releasing negative baggage.

Reach out for help

To help you to keep going there will be times when you simply need to reach out for help. Some people take ‘I can cope!’ to an extreme and believe they can do it all by themselves; however, as we have already established, we need to make positive connections and we need other people. Listening to how other people have kept going through pain and adversity can help to trigger ideas in our own minds. There is nothing to be ashamed of in reaching out.

Seeking out a counsellor, a coach or a mentor can be really useful to help you see another perspective. A good coach will help you to find your own answers by self-actualizing through the process. Offloading some of your built-up anxiety and fears will help you to lighten the load.

Be kind to yourself

Isn’t it great to know that you are a person in progress? Imagine how boring it would be to be the finished article! Every day will bring new experiences: some may well test you and some may well nourish you and bring with them some lovely surprises. It makes getting up in the morning well worthwhile. An acceptance of your limitations and a celebration of all your strengths and good points is important when you are feeling up against it. It isn’t the time to start self-sabotaging and challenging yourself. It is important to be kind and gentle with yourself as you would with any friend who was going through a bad time. So give yourself total permission to give yourself a daily dose of tender loving care.

Take some time out

I think I used to adopt a bit of a gung-ho attitude to stressful times in my life and believe that ‘keeping going’ was all about ‘marching on’. I am beginning to understand, however, that the ability to keep going is also about pacing yourself, especially when life’s little conundrums are taking their toll. Slowing down and moving at a pace that you can cope with is very important, not just for your physical well-being, but also mentally and emotionally. Some people have a tendency to start rushing around and over-occupying themselves when they get unhappy. All this does is mask the issue and bury it – and then it will come back and bite you when you least expect it to.

Be inspired

During the last few years, I have been visiting some fairly incredible places as an international consultant with the United Nations. This has taken me to places like Afghanistan, Cambodia, Ethiopia and Beirut. The people I meet who work for the UN in Duty Stations and Peace missions are really diverse and have so many extraordinary experiences. People who have witnessed atrocity and those who have risked their lives tell me so often that what keeps them going is seeking out inspiration.

This may be about observing the actions of others or exploring more details about great leaders, reading books and taking inspiration from music or poetry or quotations. This can indeed be a powerful tonic and, certainly, the creed for life in the back of the book called Desiderata has been a constant inspiration to me. Throughout this book are quotes that people have shared with me along the way. Small sound bites can be a very effective pick-you-up. Music, as well, can be a very evocative tool, especially some classical tracks and also songs with poetic and meaningful lyrics. Do take a look at my top twenty bounce-back songs at the back of the book.

Smile

A few years ago, when I lived in London, I used to spend quite a lot of time watching live comedy. I have a great deal of admiration for people who can stand up on stage and open themselves up to what can be a very challenging audience, and even be subjected to abuse and torment. When I give talks on cruises I get to know lots of the comedians and hear all about how they collect materials. Something that I have found is that many comedians experience depression and a great motivator for them has been to turn some of their darker experiences into comic episodes.

I met Frank on a ship a few years ago. He had been on the comedy circuit for less than five years. However, he had become very popular, very quickly, after a successful debut at the Edinburgh festival alongside various TV appearances. When I heard about Frank’s life story I was in awe at how he managed to smile let alone stand up on a stage and tell jokes.

Frank had experienced a succession of tragedies in his life. When he was ten his parents had been killed in a car crash and he had been brought up by an aunt who was a widow and had no children and had seen him as a bit of an obligation that had been thrust upon her. She was very strict about him mourning his parents, so he was forced to suppress emotion which caused him to become aggressive and get into fights at school. He was then put into care and became more disruptive and, later, became involved in crime, which resulted in a two-year prison sentence for theft. When he came out of prison he made a decision to reform and got a job as a landscape gardener. A year later he met his wife Lucy at a comedy club where he was attempting his amateur comedy routine at an open night. Apparently, she thought he was the funniest comedian and came to get his autograph.

He describes Lucy as his soul mate and salvation and she actively encouraged him to develop his routine and pursue a career as a stand-up comedian. He worked hard on his routine and started to make progress and cultivate a reasonable living and then Lucy was diagnosed with breast cancer and, despite various chemotherapy treatments and surgery, sadly died. Frank said he was devastated and seriously considered taking his own life. He knew, however, that Lucy would want him to continue his life in a positive way and in her words ‘make the world smile’ which is exactly what he does.

It may sound impossible when you are feeling low and despondent to see the happy or funny side of anything. Humour, laughter, or simply just turning the corners of your mouth upwards, can have a profound effect and help you to take that next step.

Smiling is the gateway to laughter and smiling. Like laughter, it is also contagious. Start off by smiling at simple things, and make a conscious effort to smile more often. Apart from making you feel good, smiling also makes you more attractive. People are naturally drawn to people who smile easily, and a smile can change your mood and help you to feel positive.

Smiling is also a natural drug and, when you smile, your body releases endorphins and serotonin. Endorphins are also known as the body’s natural feel-good chemicals or natural painkillers. Serotonin is a hormone that is found naturally in the human brain. It is known as a ‘happy’ hormone, because it influences an overall sense of well-being. Serotonin also plays a part in regulating moods, tempering anxiety, and relieving depression – so a whole host of benefits here!

There are so many ways to keep going and, sometimes, it is simply a question of believing that the tough times will pass. Acceptance, change, loss, pain and trauma are part of the rich pattern of life, and something that we all have to endure. Remembering that you are not alone can also help because it is the loneliness of unhappiness or depression that can make you feel so isolated. As my father used to say, ‘Here we suffer grief and pain and over the road they suffer the same’.

With that knowledge, when you are feeling loss, seek out others who you can help to support. We are all in it together and, through the roller coaster and crazy playground that we call life, we all have the capability to keep going, upwards and onwards.