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Do You Make Me Feel Important?
Many a man would rather you heard his story than granted his request.
—Phillip Stanhope
Recently while leaving an initial discovery meeting with a potential client, the company's director of sales, Sid, who'd been in the meeting, asked me if I had a few minutes to talk. We walked into his office and he offered me a chair, but before he even sat down he spit out an emphatic “How did you do that?”
“Do what?” I responded (not letting on that I knew where he was going).
“What you just did in that room.” He pointed behind him. “No one has ever come in here and held the attention of our executive team like that. Usually, when vendors come in, Jacob [the company's CEO] checks out in the first few minutes and spends the rest of the meeting on his phone. He never took his eyes off you. Where the hell did you get all of that information?”
To him, what I'd done appeared to be some sort of Jedi mind trick. Although I'd never met any of the people on the executive team, I addressed each person by name when they walked into the conference room.
Over the course of the meeting I asked questions focused on the unique issues that each department head was facing while praising specific accomplishments they'd made. Though this was the first time I'd ever visited the company, I easily wove the company's unique language, jargon, and acronyms into my questions, as if I'd been working there for years.
Sid was in awe, and part of me didn't want to reveal my secret. I wanted him to believe I was a Jedi master.
I reached into my bag and pulled out a file. Inside was a dossier on each stakeholder that included a printout of their LinkedIn profile, Facebook page, executive summary of their department challenges and successes, and questions to ask them.
I explained that a month before the meeting one of my entry-level sales development reps had done the research for me, pulling from online sources and calling into the company and asking questions. We'd reviewed the company's news, press clippings, blog, and press releases.
We role-played the meeting in advance and I practiced asking questions. I'd studied hard so that I knew each stakeholder as if they were a friend. During the meeting, I simply interlaced important facts, compliments, and questions based on our research.
I'd spoken to each person in the room in their language, listened, and demonstrated that I understood them and their problems. This caused them to feel significant and that I cared about them.
The Most Insatiable Human Need
According to research into human social behavior, in conversations with other people, humans spend as much as 60 percent of the time talking about themselves.1 Move those conversations to social media outlets like Facebook and the number reaches 80 percent or higher.2
Why? Well, it seems that talking and bragging about ourselves makes us feel important.
The most insatiable human need is the feeling of significance or importance. It is the singularity of human behavior in the first world. Almost everything you and I do, virtually every behavior, good or bad, is rooted in our insatiable need to feel that we matter.
As we learned in an earlier chapter, talking about yourself—telling your story—triggers a dopamine drip that makes you feel euphoric. In one study, subjects were even willing to forgo money just for the chance to talk about themselves.3 This is why we feel so emotionally connected to people who listen to us and disconnected from people who talk at us. We don't feel important when other people have the stage.
This, by the way, is the primary reason salespeople default to taking the stage through pitching. The need to feel significant is an exceedingly disruptive emotion for salespeople. On the other hand, when you gain control of this disruptive emotion and focus on making other people feel important, it gives you a powerful advantage in influencing their behaviors.
How to Make People Feel Important
Making people feel important requires only that you get out of your self-centered world and focus on other people.
- Use their name (the sweetest sound in the world to them).
- Remember something about them—an event, their child's accomplishment, a special vacation—and bring it up in conversation.
- Build people up by making them look good in front of other people.
- Say “Thank you” and give sincere appreciation.
- Ask for advice and demonstrate that the person is valuable and needed.
- Be genuinely interested in and curious about them; by taking time to research prospects and their companies in advance, you demonstrate that you value them and their time.
- Demonstrate empathy by stepping into their shoes and showing them that you see and value their perspective.
- Listen. We come back to listening time and again. Listening to your stakeholder's story is the easiest, fastest way to make them feel important. When your mouth is closed, your ears are open, and you give your compete attention to the other person, it makes a memorable impression.
- Give a sincere compliment.
Abraham Lincoln once said, “Everyone likes a compliment.”
I once worked for a man who had a habit of complimenting everyone he met. He was an executive running a 2-billion-dollar-a-year business—the big boss. He traveled the country visiting his company's offices and production facilities. Wherever he went, people looked forward to his visits.
Everyone from the part-time worker picking up trash in the parking lot to the top managers received a sincere compliment whenever he was around. They would do anything for this man.
The key to influencing through compliments is developing awareness of others. Put your own self-centered thoughts aside, and become genuinely interested in other people. Notice them.
When you give stakeholders genuine, sincere compliments about a trait, possession, or accomplishment, you've given them valuable gifts. You make them feel valued, acknowledged, and important.
Compliments are even more meaningful when they are delivered in front of other people. When you cast stakeholders in a good light in front of their boss, they'll remember you. All people have a deep need for approval of their actions and accomplishments. This need is ongoing and is never satisfied for long.
When I smile and others respond in kind, I like to compliment them with “You have a great smile.” Each time I do this their grin gets even bigger. Compliment clothes, kids, awards, children's artwork, or personal traits. If you know people well or have done research in advance of meeting them, compliment an achievement. Compliment a decision they've made.
Best-selling author and speaker Brian Tracy says, “People who continually seek opportunities to express approval are welcome wherever they go.” You'll be astounded at how far a sincere compliment takes you. When people feel approved of and valued, you boost their self-esteem. They like themselves more, and because of this, they find you likable.
Of course, the easiest, fastest, most powerful way to make another person feel important is to give them your complete attention and listen. When your stakeholder is the center of attention and telling their story, it makes them feel appreciated, important, and emotionally connected to you.
The Law of Reciprocity
This past summer while riding a bus in Kyoto, Japan, with my son, we struck up a conversation with a young Japanese businessman. Conversation might be overexaggerating. Since we don't speak Japanese and he didn't speak English, communication was a struggle.
The one thing we found in common was music. We all took turns naming our favorite bands—thumbs up, thumbs down. We laughed and sneered, sang snippets of songs, and enjoyed the moment—a brief connection on a hot, crowded bus.
As the bus approached his stop, the young businessman prepared to get off. The bus slowed and the doors opened. As we bowed to say good-bye, he reached into his backpack and pulled out a small, wrapped, rectangular box, motioning for me to take it. At first I politely refused, but he was emphatic that I take the gift, so I smiled, bowed, and took the box from his hand as he slipped through the open door.
Thirty minutes later my son and I made it back to our hotel room. I pulled the wrapping paper off the box, curious to see what was inside. When I opened the lid, it wasn't what I was expecting. Inside were five slices of raw fish wrapped in leaves. I stared into the box for a moment and then reached in and pulled out a leaf-wrapped piece of fish.
My son turned up his nose as I popped it into my mouth. “You can't eat that!” he pleaded. “That's raw fish out of some random guy's backpack from a bus. You don't know what you're putting in your mouth.”
“But he gave it to me as a gift,” I shot back. “I can't waste it. That wouldn't be right. It was probably his dinner!” Even though my son's argument was rational, I felt a deep emotional obligation to reciprocate by eating the fish.
But my compelling feeling of obligation was far from over. The moment the young man stepped off the bus I felt a twinge of guilt. He hadn't given me time to find something in my bag to give him to repay the favor. Months later it still bothered me. This is the power of the law of reciprocity.
Robert B. Cialdini, author of Influence, says, “One of the most potent of the weapons of influence around us is the rule for reciprocation. The rule says that we should try to repay, in kind, what another person has provided us.”
In layman's terms, the law of reciprocity simply explains that when someone gives you something, you feel an obligation to give value back. But as Cialdini explains, the rule or law of reciprocity goes much deeper than this. This feeling of obligation, the need to reciprocate, is baked deeply into human psychology.
Imagine what our world would be like if we didn't feel the obligation to reciprocate. Society would break down because no one would do anything for anyone else. Why should they? There would be nothing given in return, nor would there be any penalty for taking without giving. The law of reciprocity is the glue that holds human society together.
Epp Wilson has a firm grasp of the influence the law of reciprocity has on human behavior. He deftly leverages it with his clients. His company, Foxboro, builds high-end fences. His crews are well trained and have a reputation for quality.
But, says Epp, “Sometimes we make a mistake, cut down a favorite bush or tree, or there is a flaw in the fence that our customer finds before we do.”
This can be a problem when a customer has just spent $50,000 or more on a fencing project.
“When my salesperson is working with the prospect in the initial discovery stages, we try to find a project on their property that's important to them for which they don't have the budget. It could be tree removal, filling in a hole, clearing a drainage pond, or fixing a ditch. We make a note of it and once the contract is signed we do the project at no cost. Of course, our customer is thrilled.”
Doing more than promised takes advantage of the law of reciprocity. It generates goodwill and many referrals. It also helps when issues arise; Epp explains, “Customers repay the gift. They're more reasonable and open to solutions. Instead of a fight, they give us respect and the room to address the issue.”
A closing note on reciprocation. Even though when you give to others they will feel an obligation to give back, some people may never return your goodwill. This is why the deliberate pursuit of reciprocity (in other words, approaching reciprocity as a quid pro quo—I give value to you; therefore, you give equal or greater value back) does not work. Doing so will leave you jaded and frustrated because the expectation of reciprocation is merely premeditated resentment.
Obligation and Win Probability
The gift of significance and the feeling of obligation it engenders is one of the keys to improving the win probability of your deals.
You'll recall that advancing deals through the pipe and creating velocity is accomplished through a series of micro-commitments. Each time your stakeholder agrees to a micro-commitment, win probability increases.
The need to feel important is so insatiable that when you make people feel important, you give them the greatest gift you can give another human being. This gift is one of the cornerstones of influence. By making a person feel important, you create a subconscious feeling of obligation to reciprocate, and with that you gain the power and influence to shape their behavior.
Your gift triggers a subconscious feeling of obligation. The stakeholder's feeling of obligation increases the probability that when you ask for the next step or micro-commitment, the stakeholder will repay your gift with both engagement and a yes.
Mary Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay cosmetics, said that you should “Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around their neck that says, ‘Make me feel important.’ Not only will you succeed in sales, you will succeed in life.” Simple.