Work on your empathy
A big part of stepping up to become a leader is being more aware of how other people respond to you, the things you say and the body language signals you send. It’s time to invest in your empathy skills and significantly dial up your self-awareness
Leading with empathy: some scenarios
Before we get into some suggestions and advice on how to develop empathy, let’s put you to the test with some scenarios. We’ll outline some situations you may encounter as a leader, ask you to think about how you would respond, and then make some suggestions for how an empathetic response might differ from the obvious, instinctive one.
Scenario 1: A performance appraisal with someone you line manage has been moved twice, and now you need to move it a third time because an important client commitment has arisen. How do you handle it?
The instinctive response: The client commitment comes first and I’m busy, so l dash off a quick email to let them know and offer some alternative times. This is an internal meeting we can do at any time; this person is usually in the office so it shouldn’t affect them too much. They’ll understand that clients always have to come first.
The empathetic response: Moving a one-to-one meeting once is understandable, twice is unfortunate but three times is a problem. Yes, the client commitment comes first, but someone who has been rescheduled this many times is rightly going to feel that they are at the bottom of the pile; I can’t afford that. I don’t send an email, but make sure to seek them out in person to apologise for the reschedule and to emphasise that we will be getting it back in the diary as soon as possible. When we do meet, I take them out of the office for a coffee, so the conversation is more informal and the meeting feels less routine. I make sure to apologise again for having had to reschedule the meeting so many times.
Scenario 2: An important project team is running into difficulties because of an obvious clash in styles between two key members. Things are becoming increasingly heated and there is obvious ill-feeling. What do you do?
The instinctive response: These people are well-paid grown-ups, they need to sort it out for themselves and learn to live with each other. It’s not my job to referee this sort of disagreement, and I haven’t got time to get into all the ins-and-outs with them. At most, I call a meeting between the relevant parties to bang heads together and emphasise that I expect them to be professional, and get on with their jobs. End of conversation.
The empathetic response: These are both good people and important team members. A dispute of this sort is inevitably going to impact on all of their work, even beyond the immediate project at hand. I need to do something that will defuse the tension and help get things back on an even keel. I begin by seeing both individually to hear the grievances for myself, and take a view on whether I should try to find a way of making it work, or need to separate the pair for their and everyone else’s good. If the decision is to carry on, we agree new ground rules and I check in on their progress. If it’s to make a change, I allow some time to pass and find another reason to bring the pair together again, to explore whether their relationship can be healed away from the tension of a high-profile project.
Scenario 3: You are chairing a regular internal meeting, where some members of the team frequently dominate the conversation, where others – though not more junior – tend to speak little. Do you pay any attention?
The instinctive response: It’s business as usual, some people are naturally more vocal in meetings and they often come up with good ideas, so there is no benefit in trying to clip their wings. I let things carry on without comment.
The empathetic response: I observe behaviour over a number of weeks to ensure that it is a pattern and not an exception or one-off. If I think that some people in the meeting are holding back from speaking because they do not feel comfortable interjecting themselves into the conversation, I take them aside to informally ask their view, and say I will support them to take a more active role. At subsequent meetings, with their prior knowledge, I make a point of calling on them to contribute.
REFLECTION: Are the scenarios above familiar? Is the more empathetic response something you would naturally take on, or would you follow the instinctive route? Think about instances within your own working life where you could be doing things differently to help people within your organisation address a problem. Identify some areas of the business and individuals you could do more to get to know so you can better understand how you may be able to usefully support them.
THESE SCENARIOS WERE DEVELOPED IN COLLABORATION WITH 360 TRAINING FOR USE AT UNRULYVERSITY
Developing empathy
To some extent, empathy is a human skill that is an inherent part of our social make-up. Yet this vital leadership skill is also one that you can develop, train and hone. Empathy is partly a general mindset around how you treat people, but becoming an empathetic leader is also about techniques that help you understand the signals you are sending to people, and how they are responding. So before we move on, we want to offer some practical tips for how you can work on your empathy skills.
The first thing to understand is that the process of your behaviour is like dropping a stone in a pool. It has ripples, beyond those you might immediately see in the people around you. As a leader, you set the tone for an organisation. You are someone who is carefully watched by all your team, for the smallest signals about when you might be unhappy with their work, worried about some business problem, or disengaged for some other reason. This is not just in the meetings you chair and the emails you send. It is your whole demeanour around the office, your body language and soft signals, so be mindful of your mood and behaviours in the workplace as they can spread like wildfire and you really don’t want your bad mood going viral!
Here are some things to think about and coping strategies for becoming a more empathetic leader.
RECOGNISE YOUR OWN REACTIONS
In every conversation and interaction you have, however brief, there is a huge amount of information that is both transmitted and interpreted. You are sending all sorts of signals whether you realise it or not. You need to develop a keen understanding for how the way you react to things affects those around you. Deep and unintentional meaning may be read into something as simple as a rolling of the eyes or raising of the eyebrows. Try and monitor yourself through three lenses:
- Verbal reaction Is your language and choice of words appropriate for the situation?
- Non-verbal reaction How do you come across? Slumped in your chair or sat up and leaning forward? Making eye contact or looking away? Imagine the tables were turned right now – how would you want the person on the other side of the table to behave?
- Tonal reaction The same words can carry very different meanings depending on how you use them. Do you sound like you feel (which will often be rushed, overburdened and irritable) or are you making a conscious effort to moderate yourself to meet a perfectly innocent inquiry or greeting from a colleague on its own terms?
RECOGNISE OTHER PEOPLE’S REACTIONS
As well as examining your own responses, you also need to pay close attention to how the people you are interacting with respond. Here, you need to be very conscious of the gap between verbal expression and non-verbal reaction. People might be saying the things you want to hear, and which they know are expected, but you shouldn’t judge on verbal response alone – let’s face it, a pursed lip or an eye roll speaks a thousand words.
Take a close look at people’s body language. Do they look as engaged and confident as their words suggest? Is there a hint of reluctance, uncertainty or disengagement? Often these will be very subtle signals. It’s not always deep sighs and people rolling their eyes. The first flicker of response before anything is spoken often holds the clue to what someone really thinks.
There are many different personality types and presentation styles; no two people will react the same to a request or instruction, and those same people will need different approaches to motivate and encourage them. Praise, for example, is something that some people feed off while others recoil from it, especially in a public setting. And where one person might be mortified by criticism, it might be exactly what another personality needs to focus and motivate them. Past a certain size, your team will be a diverse mix of introverts and extroverts, thinkers and feelers, planners and hackers. A big part of the challenge of leadership is creating an environment that allows all those distinctive styles to find their way and succeed within your team. It’s also a big part of what makes it fun!
In the end, there’s no substitute for spending time getting to know the people you manage, understanding their style and how you can best engage with them, from briefing on new work, to providing feedback during a project, and rewarding them for success. Some people you’ll have a natural rapport with and others you’ll need to spend more time getting to know – regardless of how well you think you know someone, it’s a good idea to have an up-front conversation with your team members about what they need from you and how you can help them to succeed.
A good rule of thumb is to have regular one-to-one meetings with your team members – at least once a fortnight, ideally more often than that – and to ask them what they need from you, if there’s anything you can unblock or anything you should stop doing. And if you don’t yet have a team you may well have a boss, so take the opportunity in one-to-one meetings with them to ask what more you could be doing to help them, help their team and help the business. Once you clearly understand what you can do to deliver wow, you’re in a much better position to deliver the goods.
Words of wisdom: Leading with empathy
I have noticed two other things that matter in leadership – empathy and execution. Empathy is the ability to think about what really matters to other people. Execution is the ability to turn this into action. Emotion is great, but what matters more is how you channel it into real action. The emerging generation of leaders are more multi-disciplinary which will be so good for innovation. Each job is an opportunity for further growth. However, greatness comes from depth and repetition of task as well. It is about being open to change, being resilient, being tenacious – and all with empathy. Because, let’s face it, getting people to do things – especially if not directly reporting to you – is really hard work! We are in the age of selfies, narcissism, post-truth and rapid changes in technology which have empowered you. But now, more than ever, try to see the world through other people’s point of view and not just your own.
GERARD GRECH, CEO OF TECH CITY UK