Dialogue is learning through conversation. It is a form of conversation in which you try to understand the other person’s point of view, rather than convince that person of yours. Listen to each other, surface underlying assumptions and beliefs, and weave connections among ideas. You are not looking for solutions at this point, and agreement is not important. What is important is to listen to all the ideas and opinions expressed and find clarity in the meaning behind the words.
The process requires us to step outside our typical patterns of behavior in conversations, and open up to the thoughts, ideas, and feelings of others. You want shared meaning; in its purest form, it is the nature of the interaction within a conversation, rather than the positions people hold about a topic, that is most important.
Dialogue can also be used intentionally in a group in order to achieve shared meaning about a particular issue or idea. It can be used as a process for finding common ground among people who typically are in conflict with one another. The first step in helping people use dialogue is to help them see the difference between debate, which is the common approach to conversation, and dialogue, which requires a radical departure from what most of us do normally. The chart on page 70 explains the difference between debate and dialogue.
Three distinctive features characterize dialogue, according to Daniel Yankelovich’s The Magic of Dialogue:
1. Equality and the absence of coercive influences
In the context of the dialogue, all participants must be treated equally. Superior or coercive positions in the workplace or otherwise outside of the dialogue context should not be brought into the dialogue. Participants must feel free to express themselves and should not have to screen their comments because of fear that they will be judged by others or overtly or covertly punished. During a dialogue session, do not use your position in the organizational hierarchy to try to influence others; by the same token, do not let what is said during a dialogue influence decisions about individuals outside of the dialogue.
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DEBATE AND DIALOGUE
This refers to a commitment to try to understand another person’s thoughts and feelings from that person’s point of view. Empathic listening requires us to pay total attention to what the other person is saying, and even more importantly, to what that person is trying to communicate by what is being said. This is a difficult skill to master and it will take a great deal of practice, but when real listening and empathy are present among participants in a group, the conversation becomes richer and more meaningful.
3. Bringing assumptions into the open
Surface the assumptions behind the issue but do not judge the rightness or wrongness of these assumptions. For example, one of the members of a group might express the opinion that the designated team leader should be responsible for making sure that the work of the group gets done. In another setting, you might react to this comment by thinking that the person is refusing to accept his/her own responsibility. In a dialogue, however, you must acknowledge his/her right to hold the opinion. Try to draw him/her out about the meaning of the belief. Discover how you and others can learn from this perspective.
The art of listening with empathy, described in an earlier section of this book, is the key to dialogue. You cannot learn all that another person has to contribute unless you listen fully to what that person is communicating. This means blocking out those conversations in our heads about what we agree with and what we disagree with, what we like about the person and what we do not like, and how we can convince that person of our position on an issue. In the space that is left ask yourself:
• What is she (he) trying to communicate to me?
• What does she really mean by the words?
• What are the feelings that go with the words?
• What do I need to ask her in order to more fully understand what she is saying?
• Am I making any assumptions about what she is saying that I should ask about?
• How does what she is saying connect to what others have said in the group so far?
Here are some basic guidelines for dialogues with members of a small-group:
GUIDELINES FOR SMALL-GROUP DIALOGUES
1. Hear from everyone in the group. Discover what you have in common. Discuss the challenges that are faced by everyone in the group.
2. Recognize that the knowledge and experience that everyone has is sufficient to explore the question.
3. Create a spirit of inquiry. Stimulate curiosity and questioning.
4. Acknowledge that it is normal to feel both comfort and discomfort in reaction to what others say.
5. Accept and acknowledge that no one has the right answer.
6. Do not try to prove or persuade. Offer your perspective and look for connections to what others have said.