I am a very lucky woman. I was born in a civilized country in a modern time. If you stop for a moment and think about it, such basics are actually still fundamental for a woman’s opportunity to receive higher education, marry for love, and rule her own destiny. It is important to remember how lucky we are, and that sometimes it is all a matter of perspective.

This specific morning, however, I did not feel very lucky as I pulled over and stopped at the parking lot just by our neighborhood grocery store. I was in a hurry to get to work, but the tears rolling down my face made the road impossible to see, and being a risk management professional (or maybe just someone with common sense), I knew the right thing to do was to pull over and try to calm down before I hit something or someone. I was angry. I was upset. I was disappointed. And the reason was a seemingly trivial exchange with my son’s preschool teacher. As I had dropped him off 10 minutes earlier, she greeted us at the door with a smile, but with a raised eyebrow and a very loud voice as she knelt down next to my little boy: “Oh, what a special day this must be!! Is MOMMY dropping you off today? Wow, that sure is something!”

Now, that might not have been so bad if my son had not turned his innocent big blue eyes toward me with a puzzled look. He studied me in detail. All of a sudden, the fact that his mom worked long hours and did not drop him off and pick him up at day care very often was clearly abnormal and something to be concerned about. That moment, my frazzled juggling of a career, being a loving mother and dedicated wife, keeping a clean house, family life, finding time to stay fit, nurturing some kind of hobbies, and being a good and fun friend just came crashing down. I was angry and upset because I have always wanted to be a good role model for my son and wish for him to grow up as a diversity champion, not even flinching when a woman is the primary breadwinner in a family. I was disappointed because I had expected more of a fellow woman. I had expected my son’s teacher to be less judgmental and more supportive of a hardworking mother.

I looked at my puffy eyes in the rearview mirror and took a couple of deep breaths. My work-life balance was clearly completely off balance, and I had a sneaking suspicion it would remain that way. What I needed was a new perspective. As I pulled out from the parking lot, my frustration had turned into determination and a positive direction. I was going to shed the guilt and find a new way of looking at things.

Now let me pause for a moment before I tell you how I embarked on a life-changing journey to bring more harmony to my life. Let me put something else in perspective before we continue. I was born and raised in Sweden and have lived most of my life there. Our son was born in Sweden, which makes the backdrop to this story slightly different. Sweden is often cited as the pioneer and role model of a more extensive, successful gender equality policy. Gender equality policy has a long tradition and has become a matter of course in societal and political life. Sweden’s family policy is aimed at supporting a dual-earner family model and ensuring the same rights and obligations regarding family and work for women and men. Generous spending on family benefits; flexible leave and working hours for parents with young children; and affordable, high-quality child care are the main factors for success. In addition, Sweden has some of the most generous parental leave laws in the world. Parents are allocated a total of 480 days per child, which they can take any time until the child is eight years old. They can share these days, although 60 are allocated specifically to the father. And they are entitled to receive 80 percent of their wages (although this is capped at a certain level). As a result, Sweden has the largest proportion of working mothers in the European Union.

After having spent three years in the United States, I have realized how incredibly fortunate I was to become a mother in Sweden. I stayed at home 11 months (which, and I almost hesitate to share this, is considered pretty aggressive and career focused!). My husband then took over and stayed at home 9 months before we put our son in day care. The beauty of the model is that employers are just as likely to get impacted by the hassle of having an employee out on parental leave whether the company hires and promotes a woman or a man. It is a powerful equalizing factor. And by the way, yes, it is absolutely a hassle when an employee is out on parental leave. I will never forget when a member of my team came to share the exciting news that she was expecting, and my immediate reaction wasn’t one of joy, but instead I blurted out: “Oh no! What are we going to do without you!?” The irony is that I was eight months pregnant at the time, and all she had to do was to look at my tummy to make me feel like an idiot. The employer perspective is always a little different! But in Sweden that perspective very rarely includes a female employee not coming back after having had a baby because almost all do.

With all this said, there is one thing that remains the same for working mothers in the United States and Sweden. The feeling of guilt and stress because of the divided attention between work and family. That draining feeling that you are not giving enough, doing enough, and being there enough for your family.

When you make up your mind to redefine yourself or change your perspective, it takes a deliberate effort, and it is not easy to know where to start. Generally speaking, the first place to start when you want something to change is by taking a good look at yourself in the mirror. I realized that increased self-awareness was a good first step to identify and address some of my work-life pain points. I will admit it was difficult to concede to, but looking back it is quite clear that I was a control freak. And it polluted every aspect of my life! It has taken me focus and lots of effort to change, and if I am perfectly honest, I still fall back into old habits from time to time. Let us just say that I am a recovering control freak. But, generally speaking, I am more relaxed, so much better at delegating, and less concerned with how things get done as long as they get done.

My fellow perfectionists will sympathize with how stressful it was to let someone else take over a project at work, when I knew exactly how to deliver on it, down to the very detail. Or at home, how I cringed when delicate spring asparagus was served on a Thanksgiving platter featuring a crazy-looking turkey. And don’t even get me started on school potlucks, when I came home from work late the night before just to slave away in the kitchen until 2 A.M. to be able to bring homemade cinnamon rolls. Being a perfectionist will slow you down and at times make you absolutely miserable. Even though the brief moment of happiness when you live up to the Photoshopped image of perfect and something is done exactly the way you want it can be rewarding, a more even and sustainable level of everyday contentment and joy beats it time and time again! Another benefit of letting go of control a little is that you invite and allow others to develop. It also makes it easier to enjoy the present, and you will likely come across as a nicer person. I know I did. These days I am perfectly content as long as all family members look reasonably presentable, and at work focus more on the end goal and the ability of getting things done than anything else. If you want to make a change, take a look at your habits and decide not to let perfect be the enemy of good. Giving up on that hopeless quest of being a super-mom and flawless parent was one way for me to start enjoying raising our son without feeling guilty, anxious, and exhausted. And just know that at the next parent-teacher potluck mixer, it is perfectly fine to put forward a large tray of cupcakes, and if someone asks you if you baked them, smile big and say: “I made the frosting!”

My second big insight was that there is not one single path to success, and whatever it is, you can’t walk it alone. It is absolutely crucial to develop a strong support network, both at work and at home. Some have a partner they can rely on, some call in parents or siblings for support, and others find an awesome nanny. Asking for help and making sure you have support is a sign of strength, not weakness. One very successful female executive I know made the creative decision to hire a personal assistant instead of a nanny. Her kids are old enough to more or less take care of themselves, but her personal inbox was overflowing with e-mails from school, sports teams, and the drama club. Having an assistant help her reply to e-mails, put reminders in her calendar, and take care of things that needed to be prepared or bought has taken a great deal of pressure off her. She can focus on work and spending quality time with her kids, instead of having to chase down a couple of boxes of tissue and hand sanitizers for school when she has a moment to spare.

There is not one solution that will work for all, and we can help each other by being respectful and supportive of the different choices we make. A friend of mine is adamant about how important a principle it is to take care of household tasks like cleaning, laundry, and ironing yourself. I love her dearly but could not disagree more. Outsourcing domestic chores can end up saving so much time and energy that the cost is well worth it. Let go of the pride and get a housekeeper! There are few things that beat coming home and finding every single room in the house clean. At the same time! Our family from time to time also relies on a company that provides fresh ingredients for a weekly menu delivered to our doorstep. We can enjoy home cooking without having to plan or shop for groceries.

You have to define what success means to you—understanding, of course, that the definition will likely evolve over time. Moreover, I believe that it is important to have a shared vision of success for everyone at home, not just for yourself. My husband and I spent time on developing a clear understanding of what success means for our family, and we now work together toward that goal. Our relationship offers both of us opportunities that we might not otherwise have had, and maybe in a slightly unconventional way. When I was approached about the incredible opportunity to move to the United States, he made the difficult decision to leave his job to be able to come with me. Our son was five years old at the time, did not speak a single word of English, and needed a lot of support to make the transition to a new environment and culture. It would have been nearly impossible for me to take a step up the career ladder and take on this incredibly exciting and rewarding challenge without my husband’s willingness to put his own career on hold and take on a different kind of challenge. Looking back, I am pretty sure he has no regrets. In three years, our son has transformed from a shy Swedish boy to one of the more confident all-American kids I have ever come across. While he is busy with school, friends, and sports, my husband has had the opportunity to write a cookbook, set up a micro-brewery, take beekeeping classes, and play golf. Lots of golf. He lives a life many can only dream of, and at the same time fills the crucial role of family logistics manager. He has always been my best supporter and cheerleader. On occasions when I come home deflated, exhausted, and ready to give up, he always reacts the same way. He will give me a brief moment to reflect, and then look at me with his sweetest, most loving smile and say, “Honey, you would really be the worst mother and wife if you didn’t have that job. I know you love it. You know you love it. Now get back in the saddle.” And I know that he is right every time.

The final big change that I introduced in my life was a total energy waste moratorium. It is incredible how much time and energy we waste on things we can’t control, or just thinking of how guilty we feel. I realized that I had been wasting so much energy thinking about everything I hadn’t managed to get to at work as I was brushing my son’s teeth or reading him a bedtime story. And then the next day I would feel bad about not spending enough time with my son, as I was trying to focus on a conference call at work. It is a really poor equation with no winners. It is critical to make the choice and be intentional about being fully present in every moment, whether you are spending time with your family or if you are at work. It is not easy to avoid getting distracted, but limiting multitasking as much as possible and trying to be laser-focused on what is going on right here and right now has helped me reduce stress levels and feelings of inadequacy. Some parents actually get to spend most of their days with their kids, and yet they are never fully present! It is all about perspective and deciding what matters to you.

Thinking of the importance of deciding what matters reminds me of a story a close friend shared with me years back. She had been under a lot of pressure at work for an extended time period and came home every night tired, frustrated, and snappish. It reached a point where her two kids almost avoided her because being in her presence just was not enjoyable. When she arrived home one evening, absolutely exhausted after having been away on a demanding business trip, she shoved the door open, threw in her roller bag, and stepped into the kitchen, letting out a big heavy sigh. Her teenage daughter who was sitting at the kitchen bar, looked up at her and said, “Mom. We don’t deserve the leftovers.” That was a transformational moment for her and a life lesson that helped her identify a real pain point in her life. She realized her priorities were completely off, and that she had not spent enough time thinking about a good definition of success for herself or her family. I have carried this story with me for the past number of years, and to this day every time I pull up in the driveway outside our house I take a deep breath and think to myself “no leftovers!”

You may wonder if these lessons and reflections have translated into my own leadership, and I really hope they have. I have worked hard to develop flexibility and at this point quite honestly think that my team members should be able to work wherever, and whenever, they chose so long as projects are completed on time and goals are met. It is much more important to focus on results rather than on the number of hours spent in the office. I want to believe that I am supportive of my employees’ personal issues, and I try to share my own priorities outside work to serve as a role model. I strive to achieve a sustainable work environment, with a happy and healthy culture where people are loyal, thrive, and work hard because they are passionate and committed. It has to be okay to want it all, and you can have a fulfilling, successful career and still enjoy enough quality time with your family. But it takes a little bit of planning, some intentional choices, a willingness to compromise, and recognition of the fact that you cannot do it alone.