Overcoming that little voice in your head, leaning into vulnerability and harnessing the power of courage and worthiness.

“What if?” Two simple words, just six mere letters, yet some of history’s most compelling achievements were launched by them. It is a deceptively simple question that quickly can grow into a juggernaut of an idea like “what if we could harness fire?” Or “what if we could fly?” I recently came upon these words and they resonated deeply inside me, right in the center of my chest. The first, a concept of facing something unknown, dangerous, frightening. Something that through trial and resolve was ultimately conquered and controlled by man. The other, a seemingly fantastical concept that captured the curiosity of man throughout the ages; men who tried and failed time and again to put action to their dream of flight, yet whose perseverance achieved greatness. And it was the power of two little words, what if, that set the tone of this message and touched me in a way that gave me explicit permission to be curious beyond what seems imaginable and set aside those two little bearers of frozen dreams: fear and doubt. Being curious can be a nerve-wracking experience for one simple reason. To be curious you have to be brave, and to be truly brave, you have to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable, you have to allow yourself to be truly seen and to believe that you are enough. You have to be open to hurt, to judgment, to being afraid, and, more importantly, you have to stand in the face of it, nose to nose, and no matter what the outcome, even something you weren’t expecting and didn’t want, to be resilient.

Our modern history is filled with incredibly successful women who demonstrated vulnerability, faced their fears, and in spite of failure, ultimately achieved greatness. Oprah was publicly fired from her first television job as an anchor in Baltimore for getting too emotionally invested in her stories, which is the core personality trait that has endeared her to millions. J. K. Rowling was a single mom living off welfare when she began writing the first Harry Potter novel and went on to be the first billionaire author. Despite being broke, divorced, and depressed, she continued to push. In her words, “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you fail by default.”¹ Lady Gaga got dropped by her record label, Island Def Jam, after only three months; upon receiving the news, she “cried so hard she couldn’t talk.” She rejected her critics and believed in her talent. Today, she has six Grammys and is worth a reported $59 million. Vera Wang failed to make the 1968 U.S. Olympic figure-skating team. Then she became an editor at Vogue, but was passed over for the editor-in-chief position. She began designing wedding gowns at age 40 and today is one of the premier designers in the fashion industry, with a business worth over $1 billion. She might not have excelled in her first venture, but her belief in her own self-worth allowed her to stretch her curiosity and to dream in another direction.²

What all these women have in common is that they took risks, stepped away from what was comfortable, asked what if, and put themselves in situations where they risked being judged. And if they failed, they didn’t stop, they continued on their path, asked a different “what if” question, dialed up their curiosity, their courage, their vulnerability, and in the end, were resilient to the push and pulls from the external world.

It is the stories of these women, their drive and openness, and my encounter with “What If” that allowed me to dig into my own story. I recently realized that my story is a story of the pursuit of vulnerability and resiliency. A story of being truly seen, risking the uncomfortable, and being brave enough to explore my curiosity and just try. However, this is not just a fable, not just a story, it is the zigs and zags of journey. A story has a beginning, middle, and end. But a journey is a process, the fabric that weaves together the progress made from one place to another. A journey is not about the end; it is about the experiences in between. My journey has been an evolution of curiosity and courage. Of stepping away from what I perceived to be the path to success, and of finally leaning into what was uncomfortable as I allowed myself to be vulnerable and authentic to the true me, as I continually discover who the true me really is and continues to become.

From the time I was young, I was in pursuit of perfection. My mother was a nurse and represented the ultimate of female achievements. She had a meaningful job when very few women were in the workplace, raised four children, and had a long and loving marriage to my father for nearly 55 years before he passed away. My father—a man who influenced my life, teaching me honor and commitment, working more than 30 years serving the Boy Scouts of America. He worked hard, provided for us, and encouraged us at every turn. I can still hear my dad’s voice saying: “Get your nose out there, little girl” as he nudged me into the big and sometimes worrisome world. My brother and my sisters pursued their dreams, set their course, and achieved success; my middle sister is a certified public accountant, the other a real estate broker who now owns her own agency, and my brother is a comedic juggler who found his way to Las Vegas, writing, producing, and performing. As the youngest, I watched their achievements, and it set a course that I felt compelled to follow. My family is my strength and my courage. My whole life, all I’ve wanted was for them to be proud of me. I wanted to be strong and fearless and take on the world.

In my attempt to ensure that my family was proud of me, I fell into a common misperception: the trap of perfection. The trap of perfection pushed me to think that I needed to be perfect to have others be proud, which is blatantly untrue and just part of my own perceptions. In my pursuit of perfection, I found myself constantly facing fear and self-doubt. This is the trap, since perfection is impossible, at least the perfection that you have in your head. I actually choose to not follow some of my dreams for fear of failure, of making mistakes, and of disappointing others. You know that moment in your life, when you feel you are right on the edge of joy and accomplishment but then are overcome by vulnerability? Your internal voices start yelling loudly how you are not enough and you become vulnerable and are thrown head first into fear? It’s interesting, it’s shocking, and it can rock your foundation and make you pull back. Society instills perfection in us from the time we are very young. We are taught to get good grades, win the best awards, and get the best raises and promotions. In essence, society gives us the gift of struggle right from the beginning. And if that’s not enough, the more you achieve the more you feel compelled and almost accountable to not just be better, but to be perfect and the trap of perfection springs.

Therein lies the problem and the basis of my journey—the trap is sprung and you don’t even realize it.

Throughout my life, there have been countless times when I have set my sights on a goal, did the work to get me there, then reached that critical moment and let the fear that I was not perfect get in the way. I’m not talking about giving up part of the way there, I mean, I got all the way to the finish line and stopped. I literally handed back what I had earned. I convinced myself that I did not stack up against those who had come before me—that I was not good enough.

Throughout our lives we come face to face with opportunities. Sometimes we’re ready for them and the choice is easy. Other times, the opportunity, the one right in front of us, finally in our grasp, seems frightening and we have to make a choice. Do we face that fear head-on, or do we attempt to outrun vulnerability and uncertainty?

A theme began to emerge in me. I found myself choosing only those battles that I knew I was perfect enough to win. If there was a chance that I might attempt something and fail, or be less than perfect, I found a way to avoid it, to run, to navigate around the opportunity. I began to wonder why this theme was showing its face at different points in my life. Maybe only choosing winning battles is part of growing up. Maybe it is different between men and women. As a culture, certainly Western culture, we perceive men as brave, strong, and fearless. They don’t back down, are confident, and when given an opportunity, they are prepared for success. The mythology is that men are unflinching, don’t seek approval, and lead with strength, putting emotions to the side. At least I used to believe the trap of perfection had a gender bias, that women felt it more intensely than men, but now I am sure that men experience many of these same feelings of the trap of perfection, that the trap is not gender specific.

As I moved into my adult life and began to expand my career, the pursuit to achieve stayed with me. I set my sights on commercial real estate, earned my broker’s license, and achieved every professional designation in my path that would lead me to being the best. But as I continued to rise and advance, so did that fear of failure and rejection. I attempted to mimic the confidence, commitment, strength, and decisiveness that I believed to be present in the successful individuals with whom I worked so closely. My industries of choice—commercial real estate, insurance, and health care—just happened to be dominated by men, and thus, by default, they were primarily male characteristics that influenced my learned behavior. I believed that if I were accomplished, then I would be deserving and therefore the path in front of me would be easy and without error—perfection, in fact. I do feel that this is part of the gender bias of the perfection trap. As women, we so often believe that we have to be accomplished, perfect in essence, at something before we are good enough even to try and step into the ring. Charles Craver, a George Washington University law professor, wrote, “Males tend to convey more confidence than women in performance-oriented settings. Even when minimally prepared, men believe they can ‘wing it’ and get through successfully. On the other hand, no matter how thoroughly prepared women are, they tend to feel unprepared.”³

As young women of our generation, we have watched and learned from our surroundings in which we believe that we can’t have any limitations to be successful. Perhaps it is a perception of gender bias, perhaps it is simply our resistance to being vulnerable and not acting like men. Perhaps it is a feminine trait to form an outer shell that cannot show any weak spots for fear of somehow looking less than deserving of an opportunity to try.

One of the most relevant examples of this for me came after almost 10 years of hard work as I was offered the position as head of sales for an emerging organization. When I began my career, I was only the third salesperson to be hired, knew nothing of the industry, and had no relationships, but I was curious. I wanted to learn everything I could. Year after year, I accepted the challenges and opportunities that presented themselves. But I stayed comfortable, and nothing that presented itself felt beyond my capabilities. Nothing really stretched the boundaries for me. I advanced and achieved success, and then came a moment where I was presented with the opportunity I had been waiting for—the one I believed represented success for me. After 10 years of committing myself to learning the business and building relationships, I was offered the position of head of sales. It was a well-compensated opportunity, and I was the only woman in our company—a company now of nearly 500—to have worked through the ranks and to earn a spot on the executive team. I had put in the long hours and made the sacrifices, but up to this point I had not allowed myself to get out of my comfort zone yet. This was the defining moment when I had to muster the courage to believe in myself and to brave the unknown, the uncomfortable. And do you know what I did? I handed it back. I held it in my hands for a moment, convinced myself they had wildly overestimated my ability, and I declined the offer. And I let that opportunity go to a colleague—a gentleman who had taken almost the identical path as me, who had no greater knowledge or skill set than I did. But he did have the one thing I did not. He had the courage to take the chance. He had the courage to not be perfect yet, but be willing to accept the challenge to accomplish things, which he did not know, and a willingness to move forward anyway. Was this a gender trait? Is this something that men have more of than women? Or do women have a stronger propensity to fall into the perfection trap? Who knows? Something in me said, “Hold on! You can’t go in there! You don’t know everything you need to know yet. What if you trip, make mistakes, and you don’t meet their expectations? You’re too emotional, you’re the peacemaker, not the dealmaker. You’re not smart enough, tough enough, whatever enough. What about the people who believe you to be worthy? What if you let them down? You are not perfect yet.” Do we as women, adopt a mentality that in order to succeed, we have to already have mastered something before we are even given the opportunity. Do we believe that men are not vulnerable? Have we adopted this sense that in order to compete in a male dominated world, that we can’t show weakness?

I think part of the challenge that has shaped our thinking as women is in part a passive gender bias, which continues to affect women’s ability to see themselves and be seen by others as leaders. Current workplace perceptions still favor traditionally masculine traits, such as determination, confidence, and decisiveness and penalize the perfection trap in a most insidious way. The rewards are given to those who will jump into the ring prepared or not. And needing to feel perfect, which may just have a gender bias, is not rewarded. When a woman shows masculine traits, she is often seen as aggressive and given harsh labels. I believe women themselves have adopted the limiting beliefs of the perfection trap in which we have to be accomplished before we allow ourselves to step into an advanced role. As a group we are less willing to be vulnerable for fear of being seen as weak and of attempting to stretch beyond our safe boundaries for fear of failing.

This brings up two vital questions: (1) As women, what belief systems are we addicted to that remain from the past? and (2) What if all our current limitations are self-imposed? How can we change the way we think to avoid these self-defined traps, which in turn will move the conversation towards something completely different? And there it is, that little question: What If. What if I had taken that position that I worked so hard for? What if I faced those fears of doubt and uncertainty head-on instead of worrying what would happen when it was found out I was not perfect? What if I had been mindful and authentic to my true capabilities, and surrounded myself with the people who believed in me? Could that have allowed me to jump into the ring without being perfect? What if I had taken on that challenge, using it as an opportunity for growth, with no certainty for outcome, and had the resilience to push in the face of adversity? More importantly, what if I had believed that what was great about me now, the imperfect me, would be the key itself to my success? What if I didn’t have to conform to the persona or the skill set of the man that held the role before me?

So what if we actively change our thinking, whether it be a belief that we still face passive gender bias or if our limits are more self-imposed. What if we begin to consciously move into a generation that requires us to take ownership over how we see ourselves and lean into our inherent traits of passion, collaboration, guidance and support, and in doing so create that environment in which those things that are what make us amazing women, now make us great leaders!

Jerome Knyszewski published an article entitled “7 Characteristics of Hugely Successful Female Leaders.”⁴ In it, he describes seven characteristics extremely successful women have in common: they are confident, creative, humane and helpful, emotionally intelligent, they take purposeful action, they never give up, and they create a unique style. Not necessarily at all the same set of characteristics that you might use to describe successful men. They speak in part to the softer side of who we are as women, of self-awareness and transparency, of leaning in to the authenticity of ourselves.

Another 10 years passed until another opportunity presented itself. And for those 10 years I stayed in my comfort zone and moved in, out, and away from opportunities that would have stretched my limits, certainly my perceived limits. At a certain point, you realize this isn’t enough, that you aren’t willing to settle for your own comfort zone. I wasn’t fulfilled. My curiosity was still there, but I was pushing it down. I yearned for growth and lamented those opportunities missed. I had done well, but I certainly was not where I truly wanted to be. I didn’t feel accomplished. Then there it was again: A chance to take a step, a great big scary step. I was asked to head west, away from home and family and all that was familiar, to help lead an emerging health care technology company that was in the midst of transition. Although it was in my industry of focus, I had neither operations experience nor technology management experience. My inner demons rose up and sang that same familiar tune: “What could I possibly bring to the table?” But I was restless and unsatisfied. I knew if I didn’t take this opportunity, I would never truly know what I was capable of. I could play it safe again, stay put, stay comfortable, but this time, the voice wasn’t inside my head, it was inside my heart, and it told me to extend my reach and step into the unknown. So I did.

When I arrived, it was humbling. Actually, it’s always humbling to be out of your comfort zone. In positions past, I could always do the actual work that I was there to oversee. But I wasn’t schooled in computer science or writing code. I had profit and loss responsibility, yet my proficiency in reading and comprehending financial statements was limited. And for the first time ever, I felt the weight of 124 individuals who looked to me for leadership and a sense of stability. My confidence before had come from a sense of knowing: A safety that I could lead by doing. But not here, not now.

Brené Brown, a writer and research professor with whom I have come to find strength and connection, talks about how to attack challenging situations. Situations that leave you questioning whether you, as you are today, in all your imperfections, are good enough to handle. Her guidance is to get deliberate, get inspired, and get going.⁵ So I began to focus on the aspects of the opportunity that were well within my control. I had a team that needed to be organized around a very specific set of tasks. I needed to quickly assess the skills on hand and the gaps that would keep us from performing. I needed to chart a course, and to provide the team with a sense of direction and purpose. All these things I could do. I could rely on my known traits, those of communication, of compassion, of decision making, and I could champion the team.

And suddenly my team had a voice. I was surrounded by amazing men and women who themselves had the courage of their own convictions. Day after day, I took the time to listen to their voices. To surround myself with those who complimented my gaps. And day after day, I gave my team all that I had, and I asked for all that I needed. I let them teach me as much as I guided them. I did it with authenticity, with knowing that I didn’t need to be perfect in all aspects. I gave myself permission to be enough, and I used my fears and moments of uncertainty to remind myself that I didn’t have to achieve perfection, I just needed to do my best. I reminded myself that by just acknowledging my imperfections others would open up to me and in making those connections, I could find support, and not the judgment of a false perfect. This part of my journey is still under way and the outcome remains unclear. Will I succeed? Who knows? But my curiosity, my self-awareness, and my desire grow will lead me through an incredible experience.

Along the way, I’ve realized that allowing myself to be curious means that sometimes I will be scared. It means that sometimes I might fail, and actually not worrying about the end, means that I can’t really fail, I will always move forward, just sometimes in unanticipated ways. It means that sometimes doing something for me instead of making the action about someone else could make a difference. It means that I have changed my language from “how do I make them proud?” to “how do I improve myself?” Once I allowed that shift to occur, I could step actively into the unknown, with all its uncertainty. I could be vulnerable and embrace the experience without fearing the outcome would define me. And what if the journey defines me, not the destination?

As I was invited to join this amazing group of accomplished women, and participate in the development of a book that speaks to the challenges we’ve faced, and what we achieved in spite of those obstacles, I realize that I have come face-to-face with the very thing that was at the heart of my journey: fear, vulnerability, uncertainty, and the choice to open myself up and jump in, or to hide behind a shield of avoidance.

My little demons started to twist my beautiful What If question into a distasteful cocktail of fear. I could hear them in my mind: “What if I’m not worthy of telling a story that has any relevance to anyone?”; “What if my journey is not at all compelling?”; “What if my achievements don’t come close to the other amazing women represented in this collection of stories?” What a terrible, fearful, unproductive way to think. So I stopped, silenced my internal demons, dug deep, and found the courage to be deliberate in my actions. And I wrote.

So to all of you who have chosen to read my words, here are the things that I hope you’ll carry with you: Be mindful and authentic with your own journey, just as I strive to do in mine. Surround yourself with support, but be truly vulnerable and fully seen to those from whom you seek support, and always ask “What If.” Choose curiosity over fear and continue to push towards that next amazing thing! The world is in constant motion and change is yours to grab as long as you choose. Change that we can’t even imagine yet, but we can try and be curious and wonder What If.