STEP NINE

Keep It Cool When
Things Get Hot

After all you’ve tried and all you’ve done, after all you’ve “given” and all you have endured, it’s still possible that there’s a customer or two who just drive you up a wall. It may seem that no matter what you do, nothing will please them.

There is no way you will be able to please everyone 100 percent of the time. This is just a fact. However, you will be able to please most people, and if you know a few tips about how to work with customers who get angry, you might even be able to please the few people who seem unreachable.

What Pushes Your Buttons?

If someone were to “come at you” with a clenched fist, clearly about to hit you, what would you do? You would prepare for the fight. You would get ready to hit the person back, run, or act in whatever way you perceived to be self-preserving.

TOOL 9.1

Behaviors that Push Buttons

Similarly, if a customer pushes your buttons, you react. “Pushing buttons” means that somebody does something that causes you to have a visceral response. It doesn’t have to be as serious as threatening to hit you. It could be cursing. It could be lying. It could be any number of things. For each person, what pushes your buttons is personal, and often has to do with your beliefs and values.

Tool 9.1 describes some behaviors and characteristics that people have found offensive. See if any of them push your buttons too.

You can and do deal with minor provocations on a daily basis. But, behaviors that really bother you can be your nemesis. Once you identify behaviors that you can’t tolerate, you will find that bringing them to the foreground will give you a better chance of overcoming the effect they have on you. Working through conflicts that occur because someone has pushed your buttons will be productive for you professionally. This is true for interactions with staff members and bosses as well as customers. Refer to Worksheet 9.1 to determine what pushes your buttons and how you would prefer to respond.

WORKSHEET 9.1

What Pushes Your Buttons?

Recognize the Stages of Rage

Some customers have built-up emotions before they even get to you and have “war stories.” For example, they accessed your website and had to go through contortions to figure out instructions. They called and were transferred to six people. They had to come to your facility in person. The receptionist was rude. She gave them the wrong floor. Now they are on the right floor, in front of you.

TOOL 9.2

Stages of Rage

1. They feel powerless. Nothing they have tried worked.
2. They feel frustrated.
3. They become enraged.

People actually go through stages on their way to rage. Keep the points in Tool 9.2 in mind. If you consider that there are prescribed ways that people react, it will help you not take their disappointment and anger personally.

Of course, it is best to resolve a problem before anyone gets enraged. By the time someone gets to the third stage of rage, you have to deal with the drama in addition to solving the actual problem. Rage is often characterized by raised voices, seething, and irrational thinking. When anger ensues, adrenaline kicks in and continues to pump until the person calms down. As we have said before, the worst thing to say is “calm down.” But, calming down is what you have to wait for in order to proceed with the transaction.

When a customer is in a stage of rage, avoid judging, criticizing, blaming, jumping to conclusions, assuming, getting angry yourself, arguing, interrupting, acting like you already know what the speaker is saying, acting disinterested, tuning out, faking attention, doing something else, misinterpreting, or thinking of what you are going to say next. Let the person wind down. Help by understanding and showing that you care. Review the following techniques and practice active listening.

Demonstrate Active Listening

• Stop what you are doing.
• Try to get the person to a comfortable area away from people.
• Establish and maintain eye contact.
• Project sincerity verbally and nonverbally.
• Repeat what the person is saying, or paraphrase.
• Ask open-ended and closed-ended questions.
• Respond with empathy for feelings and thoughts.
• Offer assistance.
• Show that you care.
• Apologize or express regret as appropriate.
• Come to a mutually agreeable solution.
• Verify the solution.
• Express support.

Practice Sorting

You also can choose to “sort” or ignore a statement that you don’t want to address or a phrase that pushes your buttons. Sorting means that you make the choice to move on and disregard a comment, such as

• a personal attack
• sarcasm
• obvious exaggeration.

Sorting is skipping over what was said and dealing only with the important issues. You may choose to go back to a comment that you have sorted at a time in the conversation when the person is not so upset.

Use “I” Statements

In the previous scenario, Tony chose to ignore sarcasm and threats in favor of getting to the point. He also used “I” statements, taking personal responsibility to assist. When a staff member or a manager uses “I,” it changes the interaction to a personal promise or a personal commitment, such as “I will help you.” Using “I” or “me” statements like those in Tool 9.3 helps build trust.

“I” statements are also used in communication when you have feedback to give and you want to avoid conflict by not blaming but, rather, by taking responsibility for what you want.

TOOL 9.3

Assertive “I” Statements

“I can help you.”

“Let me help you.”

“It would help me if we could figure this out together.”

“I need you to . . . ”

The University of Colorado Conflict Resolution Consortium provides the following description and example of “I” statements on its website:

I-messages or I-statements are a way of communicating about a problem to another person without accusing them of being the cause of the problem. Often, when someone has a problem with another person, they tell him or her so by using a “you-statement,” for example, “you didn’t finish the financial report on time!” While that statement may be true, by phrasing it that way, the listener is likely to get defensive and begin to argue. For instance, he might reply, “I couldn’t because the deadline was unreasonable!” or “You are always pestering me. I’d get more done if you’d just leave me alone!”

      Another approach to the same problem is using an “I-message.” For example, the worker could say, “I really am getting backed up on my work since I don’t have the financial report yet.” The coworker’s response to this statement is likely to be more conciliatory. For example, she might respond, “I know. I’m sorry. I’ll finish it up today and try harder to meet my deadlines. I had a lot of things piling up at once this week, but I’ll get it to you as quickly as I can.” While this doesn’t completely solve the problem, it retains the good working relationship between the two people, and is more likely to generate more cooperative interactions in the future than the accusatory “you message” approach. (www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/ treatment/istate.htm)

Dealing with Difficult People

Tool 9.4 offers tips for dealing with people who demonstrate the behaviors that many find offensive. In addition to the tips, there are also ways that you can help yourself cope with negativity. Unfortunately, you can’t always change someone else’s behavior. You can, however, modify your own reactions, behaviors, and even feelings.

Create Ways to Cope

There are ways to help you overcome the effects of difficult personal interactions. To keep your wits about you, it’s important to release the tension that you are holding inside. It is normal and natural to have feelings when you are confronted with anger, resentment, disappointment, and antagonism. Learning new skills for reframing how you view situations will help.

TOOL 9.4

Responding to Difficult People

Use Journals to Write

Other ways for you to keep your cool include writing your thoughts down and talking to others who understand what you are experiencing. Journals can be used in two ways:

1. You can document what happened and how it was resolved. Documenting what occurred helps keep the facts straight. It also allows you to get your thoughts down on paper and out of your immediate focus. Moreover, documenting the facts may be useful, should you ever need to explain what happened.
2. Use writing to vent. When you are venting, you can say anything. You can use the technique of answering the following:
   a. What I’d like to say to . . . (customer, colleague, employee)
   b. What I’d like to say to me . . . (what reinforcement you would like to give yourself)

When you use the second technique, it would be wise to take your journal home with you. Your intentions may be misunderstood if someone were to read it.

Find Allies

Don’t assume that everyone is against you. Check your perceptions. Gain support for you as a person and a professional. Often, someone you find is difficult is also difficult for others. Without gossiping, notice how others respond to the person who annoys you, and check your perceptions with them. Take comfort in the knowledge that it’s “not just you.”

Develop a Mantra

A mantra is a phrase that you say over and over again. It solidifies a sound in your mind, and it is a way to relieve stress because it is repetitive. Saying a mantra over and over pushes other thoughts out of your mind. Your mantra might say: “I know I can handle this . . . I know I can handle this . . . ” Or, for relaxation, you can just repeat an “hmm” or another sound.

Use Assertive Language

You don’t always need to sort comments. You may want to address some rude behavior head on. Be assertive, but not aggressive or rude yourself. Statements like those in Tool 9.5 may help you get started.

TOOL 9.5

Assertive Statements

“Time out! I want to hear what you’re saying, but I’ve got to ask you to slow down a bit.”

“Let’s talk about this. You go first and I won’t interrupt you. Then when you’re done, I’ll see if I have any questions.”

“I will respect your opinion. I need you to respect my opinion as well.”

Sometimes you need to give feedback to a staff member, a peer, or a customer. There is a rule for giving feedback that is important: If you don’t have a positive reason for giving feedback, don’t give it.

If someone cannot change his or her behavior, or if you are angry and want to “get back” at someone, consider whether your feedback will cause a positive result. If not, it might be best to wait and rethink what you would like to convey. When you are ready, focus on the situation, not the person. Feedback is about behavior, not what you think of the person’s character or characteristics. Give examples of what you have observed, and how it affected you or your team. Keep the examples to one issue.

When you give feedback, it is not a time to reveal all the concerns you have had that you never addressed. It should be short and timely, when it happens or within the day: “I noticed that you came in late. This put the team in a bind because we needed to review your part of the agenda first.” Ask the other person for his or her response to your feedback. A rule of thumb is to ask the person what she thinks within four seconds. This avoids a long and drawn out explanation. (“And not only that . . . you didn’t give me the report due last week, and you didn’t make the meeting two weeks ago. I can’t depend on you anymore.”) When the person gives you an explanation, say what you need, and come to consensus on the solution. (“If you are going to be late, please call. Will you be able to do that in the future?”) Then appreciate the person for resolving the issue. (“Thanks. I know that we will be able to count on you.”)

Keep in mind that feedback is not corrective action, although, corrective action does involve feedback.

The Negotiating Process

Whether you are negotiating for yourself or to help others come to agreement, give and take is required to unveil the issues or motivations. Negotiating can yield a better outcome than you expected if you are open to discussing alternatives and points of view. Follow the Five Steps for Negotiation in Tool 9.6 for ways that will help the negotiations yield positive results.

Remember:

• You are not a pushover.
• You are professional.
• You are calm enough to respond to the person’s anger.
• You are a good negotiator.
• You can focus on what is important.
• You are capable.

Put It All Together

Button pushers often cause us to react. If you know what you are most likely to react to, you can stop an interaction from escalating and work through issues to make the situation productive. When all is said and done, customer service begins and ends with you. Step 10 provides suggestions for keeping physically and mentally healthy, and honors you.

1. Go to the balcony. As conflict unfolds, remember that you are the steward in the discussion. In your mind, go above the conflict and watch from the balcony. Pretend it’s only a movie. Who are the people in conflict? What do they really want? Watch the characters and learn from the clues what each person wants.
2. Stay on topic. As often as needed, bring the discussion back to the main issue(s). Clarify the concerns and the points. Keep people from expanding on the scope of the disagreement. Stick to the topic for a solution. Be the owner of the conversation and stay on track.
3. Acknowledge the elephant in the room. If there is something that people are not saying, and you know that it is relevant to the conflict, call it out. Speak the words that everyone else can’t say. There is a magic to speaking aloud something that others are saying to themselves. When it’s uncovered, people can deal with it.
4. Move parties from where they are to where they can be. Each person has unique values and strengths, and each person views the conflict from a different context. Conflict can create great innovation. For you as a negotiator, you will need to listen deeply to each of the players and understand his or her unique viewpoint. Only then can you determine how far each person is willing to move. You may need to take a break to figure out your strategy.
5. Give them a bridge over which to retreat. When someone refuses to collaborate, no matter what anyone says or does, it generally doesn’t mean that he or she is ignorant of the logic of the points being expressed; it means he or she is resisting. Give the person a way to retreat safely. Try to come up with a way to make it seem like the solution was his or her idea. Find a way for the resister to agree and save face. Take the time that is needed to work through the conflict productively.

(Adapted from 10 Steps to Successful Project Management, Lou Russell, 2007, American Society for Training & Development)