Looking at your responses to conflict
Emphasizing the positive
Focusing your energy on what's important
Finding resolution is ideal, but what do you do to maintain your sanity when a conflict drags on? If you can't count on others to work with you to resolve the problem, look for things you can control. Finding the power to change what you can provides relief and comfort during a difficult time. Plus, it gives you something positive to focus on!
Consider what's important to you and follow a strategy for a period of time that feels comfortable. Your plan may include leaving your current work environment, either through a transfer within the company or by leaving the company for good and moving on. Or you may decide that staying where you are is the best thing to help you reach your goal for a secure retirement, or continued health benefits, or a shorter-term benefit like a good letter of recommendation. Whatever the choice, decide when, why, and how you'll approach your plan. Knowing what you want your future to look like helps you look past the current situation and focus beyond temporary problems.
It's easy to get so wrapped up in a conflict that you lose all perspective about the situation. This is especially true when the conflict is at work and you're experiencing it every single day. Dealing with a persistent difficulty can become the routine — until you make the choice to change how you look at the problem. Stop and reassess your point of view.
Tip
Ask yourself whether you can find a learning opportunity somewhere in this situation. Perhaps the conflict is a chance for you to step outside yourself and extend a little compassion to the other person. Or maybe if you purposefully and mindfully examine what's going on, you can honestly say, in the scope of things, that the disagreements aren't really that important to you.
I'm sure you know from experience that you can't control the other person's actions, thoughts, or feelings. Try as you might — and I suspect you've tried a lot of different things — his behavior remains unchanged. It's frustrating, challenging, and disappointing to feel like you're the only one making an effort, but the good news is that no matter what he's doing, you always have the option to control your own responses.
Tip
Try changing how you react to what's happening, and look for ways to respond to hot button topics that won't escalate your anxiety or cause your blood pressure to spike through the roof. Consider who you want to be and choose your responses accordingly.
Think about how long you've lived with this conflict and how much effort you've put into trying to control every aspect of the problem. Then consider the reality that sometimes, in trying to control everything, you lose your ability to control anything! Do you want to be more emotionally invested than everyone else? Maybe the answer is yes, and that's fine if it's working for you. But if your answer is no (or even a shaky maybe), then try to reduce your investment in the drama. Spend less time thinking about it, talking about it, and engaging in it.
As difficult as it is to admit to others that you have some responsibility in the conflict, it can be equally difficult to admit that fact to yourself. Self-assessment — and by that I mean more than 30 seconds of superficial introspection — requires you to step outside of your thoughts and feelings and consider how your actions and reactions look to others. Consider the impact of your actions, and honestly identify your role in the conflict. Ask yourself, "What have I said or done, or not said or done, that has kept this conflict going?"
When you have your answer, see if it's something you're willing to change. Change may not happen overnight, and you may need the assistance of friends, family, or professionals to help you through the transition, but you'll never be able to change your role if you don't take the time to identify what it is. No need to continue being the bully, the one who stirs the pot, or even the victim. If it takes two to tango and you're no longer willing to dance, the conflict has no choice but to diminish.
When your expectations don't fit the situation, even though you've tried everything you can imagine to make them fit, give serious thought to changing your expectations.
Warning
Notice that I said change, not lower. For example, someone who has spent ten years at a company expecting to be promoted will be disappointed if she's turned down year after year. If she changes her expectation from being promoted to being acknowledged as an integral employee, the yearly bonus she receives may meet her new needs.
Similarly, you may carry around a set of expectations for yourself and put those expectations on others. Is it possible that your expectations are causing your frustration and the conflict to continue? I'm not talking job performance issues here, but rather personal preferences for how another person behaves. Your frustrations will decrease when you stop holding others to standards they don't know they're being measured against. I often coach employees to get a new yardstick!
Changing where you focus your energy can provide a huge relief from the stress of conflict. I believe that unresolved conflict (and unresolved emotions!) can be a black hole for energy: You can give and give without any guarantee you'll see that energy investment returned to you. Instead of putting 110 percent of yourself into the conflict, consider your alternatives at work or in your personal life. What do you enjoy? What gives you peace or a sense of well-being? What projects would satisfy you? Look for a different outlet for your attention and put your energy there. Cleaning out your closet and donating the clothing, putting together a proposal for a creative project at work, or jumping back into the classes at the gym are all great ways to channel energy and emotions.
When I read a good book, I create what I call "the movie in my head." I'm the casting director, set designer, and director all in one. When it comes to the problems at work, you essentially do the same by choosing how you depict the scene to yourself and others.
If I were asked to recount a conflict I'm mediating, my summary would come from a broader and more objective viewpoint than the viewpoint of those involved. I might say that both people are having a difficult time, that both are emotional, but that both really want to do what's right for the company. If one of the parties were asked the same question, he'd probably describe it very differently. When you're not emotionally involved in a problem, you can see both sides, so take that ability to be objective and apply it to your own situation.
Tip
After you work through the initial emotions of a conflict (not all the emotions, just the initial ones), you can decide how this particular story will play out and how you'll speak about it. Give an account without elevating or victimizing anyone. When a co-worker or supervisor asks about specifics, consider an honest but hopeful response such as, "It's a difficult time right now, but I'm learning a valuable lesson about expectations," rather than, "Yet again I'm the victim and no one cares."
Note
You can keep the impact of a conflict to yourself and stuff your emotions away, or you can choose to find a constructive way to process what's happening. Talking with a mentor, family member, friend, clergy, and professionals can be very helpful, and you can do a lot on your own as well. Keeping a journal, writing letters you'll never send (my personal favorite), working out vigorously, or even slinging rocks at the tree in the backyard are all productive ways to process your emotions and perspective of an otherwise unproductive situation.
Note
I particularly like the example of a co-worker who was devastated by the news that a project she had put her heart and soul into was being taken over by another department. The news came on a Friday afternoon, and she challenged herself, by Monday morning, to find ways the change would benefit her. She spent a few minutes (that's all it took!) making a list. She decided that she would have more time to spend with her family, she'd be able to participate on a committee she had her eye on, she could finish the marketing plan for the event idea she'd been tossing around, and so on. Find what works for you and have at it!
Sure, you follow directions and have job functions you're responsible for, but no one can make you do anything. When you say, "He just makes me so (fill in the blank) that I had to (fill in what terrible past response or action you took)," you're giving the other person control over your moral fiber. Take personal responsibility and give no one else the power to make you behave in a way that is unbecoming, unethical, or dishonorable. Show your best side and not an unchecked series of poor reactions.