You and each of the employees on your team have a lens through which you see the world and one another. Everything you see, hear, and say goes through your filter on the way in and on the way out. These filters determine how you present and receive information. They color, distort, or amplify information in both positive and negative ways and act much like personal interpreters in every situation.

Your individual kaleidoscope is shaped by things like your personal history, education, values, culture, and the roles you play in your life, both at work and at home. Everything you consider important works together to create your worldview. The same is true for your co-workers. An employee who comes from the school of hard knocks may very well have a different perspective about educational opportunities in the workplace than a colleague who graduated top in his class from an Ivy League school.

Being familiar with your employees' values helps you resolve conflicts. For example, say that two employees are having an argument over where to stack some vendor binders. If you can appreciate that one employee sees respect as paramount in his environment, and his workspace is encroached by his colleague with a lackadaisical attitude toward boundaries, you have a better chance of helping the two resolve the issue. Rather than swooping in to tell the pair that the vendor notebooks they're arguing about should go on a shelf, you can facilitate a conversation about the real issue — respect. After you address the issue of respect, where the binders should go will be relatively easy to decide.

In Chapter 2, I go into more detail about filters, values, and the emotions individuals bring to conflict.

Most organizations embrace positive emotions. The excitement over landing the big account, the revelry celebrating the product launch, or the congratulatory slaps on the back as the ribbon is cut for the newly completed project are all ways employees acknowledge optimistic emotions. Where managers often falter is in failing to recognize that every emotion — from upbeat to angry — is a clue to discovering people's personal values. Positive emotions are a sign that values are being met, while negative ones suggest that some work still needs to be done!

It's obvious that a situation has turned emotional when tears flow or an employee ratchets up the volume when he speaks, to the point that the entire office slips into an uncomfortable silence. What's a little more difficult is knowing what to do with such passionate responses. Emotional reactions are often seen as negative behavior in just about any workplace, but if you spend some time investigating and interpreting them, you can get a leg up on how to resolve the trouble. Check out Chapter 2 for a complete discussion of emotions at work.

Communication makes the world go 'round, and the same is true for you and your employees. Word choice, tone of voice, and body language all contribute to whether or not you understand each other.

Using vague or confusing language causes communication misfires. Phrases such as "when you get a chance," "several," or "sometimes" don't accurately state what you really mean. Similarly, words like "always" and "never" can get you in trouble. Choosing your words wisely, and in a way that invites dialogue, makes for a less stressful work environment and models good communication. See Chapter 2 for more tips on communicating effectively.

Two employees can completely understand each other and work like a well-oiled machine. Then a third co-worker joins the team, and now you have group dynamics in play. Wow, that changes everything! A team that's cohesive and meeting its goals can be exhilarating from management's perspective. But if cliques form and co-workers start looking for allies to enlist in power plays behind closed doors, communication breaks down.

Teams have a propensity to label members — the caretaker, the go-to guy, the historian, and so on. It's good to know who's who in a group, but the responsibilities that come with those labels may be impossible (or undesirable) to live up to. Employees start to make assumptions based on the labeled roles, such as assuming that the go-to guy will happily accept any assignment you give him. Conjecture based on limited or selective information causes miscommunication, misunderstandings, and ultimately, conflict.

To address what happens when members of a group are undergoing difficulties, investigate how and when the problem started and determine if the problem stems from just a few staff members or if the impact is so great that you need to tackle the problem with the entire team. And flip to Chapter 3 for more information on the way group dynamics can contribute to conflict.

Something you're either doing or not doing may be causing friction on your team, and you may not even know what it is. Most people in conflict tend to spend more time thinking about what the other person is doing than looking at their own behavior and attitudes toward the difficulty.

Chapter 4 outlines some of the common missteps that managers make in their attempts to handle problems at work. I discuss ways you may be unwittingly pitting team members against each other, address the dreaded micromanaging accusation, and explain how underrepresenting your team to the higher-ups may unite them in a way that puts you at the center of a storm.

Using a solid process to mediate a meeting between co-workers in conflict gives you a foundation on which to manage and monitor the difficulty. Follow these steps from a professional mediation process:

Before you begin the mediation process, you need to consider the following:

Practicing the arts of reflecting and reframing an employee's point of view may be an initial challenge for you, but it's worth it in the end. The employee will appreciate your efforts to respond to his emotions, your accurate descriptions of what's most important to him, and your empathetic recognition of what impact the conflict has had on him. And both parties will benefit from you listening to understand their perspective because they'll hear each other's story in a new way. Chapter 7 walks you through these steps and helps you keep your footing along the path of conflict resolution.

Negotiating a resolution to conflict starts with getting all the relevant information about the past on the table and ends with a clear definition of what the future could be. Get there by listening for what's really important to the parties involved and then asking directed, open-ended questions. In Chapter 8, I provide questions and cover the process of moving people through the negotiation stage of a mediated conversation.

The best solutions satisfy all parties involved and, perhaps more important, are lasting. Putting a bandage on a gaping wound stops the bleeding for a few seconds, but stitches will help it heal permanently. So it is with finding a solution to a conflict; it's much more rewarding in the long run not to have to address the same problems over and over. Be open to letting your employees try solutions for a while as you monitor the situation from a measured distance, and have them come back to the table, if necessary, until they reach a lasting agreement. Chapter 9 helps you work with your employees to develop good solutions and agreements. Chapter 11 gives you the tools you need to successfully monitor those agreements.

If the conflict making its way through your organization seems to affect each and every employee in your organization, planning for and facilitating a team meeting may be the answer.

In Chapter 10, I discuss how to resolve conflict when larger groups are involved.

Human Resources is an obvious place to start when you begin your search for advice and insight about a conflict. These personnel professionals can help you investigate an employee's work history and interpret company policy or employment law. They often lend a hand with customized trainings and can identify employee assistance programs such as counseling and addiction specialists.

Flip to Chapter 13 for more about these and other internal resources you can utilize in a conflict.

The cost of doing nothing can far outweigh the budgetary impact of hiring an expert, but looking for the right entity to help can be overwhelming. Check credentials as you consider trainers, conflict coaches, and mediators to help with ongoing problems. Local dispute resolution centers, mediation associations, and professional training organizations can help you find experts in your area (see Chapter 14 for details about each).

When you think about addressing a conflict, ask yourself, "What's motivating me to have this conversation?" If your answer is that you want to shame or threaten the other person, then the skills I share with you in this book won't do you any good. Being tricky to get your way and leave the other person in the dust doesn't really resolve conflict; it may hold it off for a while, but it's safe to say that the person you see as your opponent will find another opportunity to fight back.

How do you figure out what both people in a conflict want? You start by identifying core values. What do you think the other person wants when he says, "Don't touch anything on my desk ever again!"? Does he want you to leave his workspace alone, or do you think his emotional reaction indicates that he values respect? Perhaps from his perspective, co-workers show one another respect by asking permission before taking the stack of reports he's working on. And therein lies the real issue for him.

Figure out what you value (what's most important to you). Practice ways to communicate that information to your co-worker, and then create a productive meeting in which both of you share what's important. Be sure to reflect and restate what you hear him say is important to him, neutralize the emotions you see or hear, and get to work on coming up with solutions that fit the whole problem, not just your side.

Use a different tactic when you start a conversation with a colleague or your boss to avoid some of the stale arguments you've been having. Taking a new approach is the first step in setting the stage for what happens next. Having the same old discussion over and over (and over!) may be a sign that one or both of you aren't really taking the level of responsibility needed in order to move on. If self-assessment isn't your strong suit, don't be afraid to ask for help.

Consider the strengths each of you bring to the workplace, and capitalize on those to move your relationship forward. The employee who nitpicks your daily reports may be the very person who saves you from embarrassing yourself with faulty data in front of the execs. Step back and consider that someone, somewhere thinks this person is an asset to the organization and that how you handle this situation makes a difference to that someone. Put effort into taking steps to building a new relationship and a more cohesive future. Be seen as a leader rather than someone who enjoys kicking up the dust.

Find the common ground you share (and you do have some!). At the very least, the two of you probably agree there's a problem, that you'd like it to end, and that you both most likely want the working conditions to get better. Outside of that, perhaps you and your colleague would like a process improved, want to find ways to foster teamwork, or want to make sure your reputations aren't tarnished by your not-so-private difficulties. How you've both gone about trying to achieve those goals, though, may be at the center of your conflict. Finding and examining common ground helps you both own the problem and the solution. Flip to Chapter 17 for tips on how to find common ground and negotiate resolutions with a colleague.