Taking a close look at what you really want
Considering the other person in the conflict
Using a worksheet to build an action plan
You find yourself in a conflict that takes up way too much of your energy. People are starting to talk, the conflict is affecting work, and when you think about your long-term career goals, you know that maintaining the bad feelings and tension isn't a good idea, regardless of the other person's position in the company.
Whether you're a manager, team member, or the head of an entire department, as a party to a current conflict, you may not know what to do. Perhaps you've tried a few tactics that you thought would fix the problem, like going over the other person's head, addressing the issue directly, or ignoring the conflict altogether. Yet the problem remains unresolved. You're now at a point where you want this whole thing behind you, and you need a plan.
But, if your plan involves living out a daydream in which you publically crush your opponent while Queen's rock anthem "We Are the Champions" blasts in the background, this chapter isn't for you. If, instead, you want to develop a strategy that uses a highly successful approach, read on. The information in this chapter helps you gain a better understanding of the real issues in the conflict and build a winning strategy to address the situation at hand, as well as conflicts in the future.
When thinking about addressing a conflict, ask yourself, "What's motivating me to have this conversation?" If resolution is your goal, next ask, "Am I emotionally and mentally ready to meet and talk with the other person?" If you're so angry that you can't stand to look at him, be real with yourself and don't schedule a discussion in the next five minutes.
Before you create a list of issues you want the other person to address, take a hard look at yourself and your motivation for staying in the conflict. When you figure out what you value and what you want to achieve from a meeting, you can shift your thinking to reflect on how you truly feel about the problem, and you may be surprised to find that the other person's past behavior affects you less. When you focus on what can be rather than what has been, you can think more creatively about solutions that meet your values.
In addition to helping you discover your values, the following sections help you identify your hot buttons, effectively listen to others, be humble, ask others for help, and recognize your strengths. Doing a little pre-meeting work in these areas helps you have a productive conversation when you do finally meet with the other person.
Be aware: What you think you want and what you really want likely aren't the same — and to figure out the difference, you need to get in touch with your values. So, what are these values? Sometimes they're called interests or motivators, but basically, your core values drive you and influence the way you think and respond to different situations.
People often describe what they want as an action or an outcome instead of the larger value that inspires that desire. For example, if someone asks you what you want out of your retirement, you may respond that you want a million dollars in the bank. If you consider what that money allows you to do in retirement, you're getting closer to understanding values. You want to travel (freedom), you want a cottage on the beach (peace and quiet), and you want to care for your family (security). This example demonstrates how looking at desired outcomes helps you discover the underlying values you find most important. Applying this process to a conflict allows you to state clearly what you want from the other person and work toward doing the same for him. Don't assume he knows what you're looking for — he can't know which values you find most important if you've only just found out yourself. A good way to start recognizing your values is to consider all the issues in a conflict and then ask yourself what's most important to you. Keep in mind that connecting the dots from a behavior to an emotion to a core value can sometimes be difficult and time-consuming.
Tip
Here's a useful exercise: Reflect on your current conflict, jot down a few words or phrases that explain what's happening, and see if you can match them to one or two core values. This may take some practice before you find it effective, but it's worth the prep time. (If you need additional info on core values, turn to Chapter 2.)
For instance, if you say you're irritated by your boss's micromanagement, you may discover that one of your core values is autonomy, or maybe respect. Managerially, if you say you want error-free reports turned in on time, the value you're addressing is likely competence or responsibility. If your team works like a well-oiled machine except for one person who says his opinions don't matter, consider that he's looking for acceptance or recognition.
During the meeting preparation phase, identify your hot buttons, or points that you're most sensitive about, and make a plan to address them when they come up (because they very well may come up). Identify the kind of statements (or actions) that can make you ready to scream or blow your top. Be aware of these sensitive areas, because other people often know what they are and how to take advantage of them.
Your hot buttons are closely tied to your values because anything that can make you that angry is probably something you care deeply about. If you get upset when a co-worker rolls his eyes or talks over you, respect is very important to you, and his behavior is counter to your definition of respect.
Knowing that you're likely to go off if a co-worker touches on one of your hot buttons allows you to prepare a response that doesn't include turning red and slamming your fist down on the table. Instead, you may answer, "You know, it may not really be control I'm after, but I can see where you might think that. I've discovered that respect is really important to me, and I can understand where trying to earn respect might come across as controlling." This kind of answer is sure to deflate that balloon!
Warning
Preparing a response to hot buttons isn't the same thing as preparing a really good comeback to deflect responsibility, paint the other person in a negative light, or disempower him. A mechanical (or poor) response is one in which you seek to shut down or one-up the other person. You need not agree with his assessment; you only need to demonstrate that you've understood his perspective. Preparation is good and helps anticipate difficulties, but it's no substitute for being open to feedback. Mechanically reciting canned responses to anticipated attacks doesn't demonstrate good listening skills and may limit you when trying to create dialogue.
Determine how open you are to listening — really listening — to the other person's perspective. If you tend to think of his time to talk as a distraction or an interruption of the significant things you have to say, check that attitude at the door. If you haven't taken the time to show him that you're listening, then he likely won't bother listening to you. Before going into any conversation, be prepared to hear things you disagree with.
You may assume that because you're hearing the words another person is saying that you're actually listening to him, but what would happen if you were asked to summarize what he just said? Be sure you actively listen to his words, take them in, and then respond. For tips on effective restating or reflecting, see Chapter 7.
Note
Silence can be a powerful tool, and showing that you're taking time to consider what's been said can go a long way in demonstrating your willingness to resolve your issues. Prove to the other person that you're trying something new in an effort to change how the two of you may have approached problems in the past.
Tip
Think about how others show they're listening to you, and emulate that behavior when preparing to listen to others. This reflection helps you demonstrate that same level of attentiveness toward others. Start by trying the following:
Make eye contact.
Maintain open body language.
Nod once in awhile (even if you disagree!).
Allow pauses between the other person's time to speak and your time to speak.
Warning
If you jump in to respond to or correct the other person right off the bat, even with the intention of clarifying misinformation, you may be doing more harm than good. You want an open and honest dialogue, not a heated argument.
Taking notes may force you to listen, but don't bury your nose in the notes as a way to avoid eye contact. Bring a list of the key items you want to discuss, and set the list aside for when you need it. Let the other person know you'll be taking or reading from brief notes as a way to help you participate better in the conversation — not so you'll have evidence that can be used against the other person in the future. Add a comment about your willingness to shred the notes when the conversation is over.
Be ready to be humble. If you've had the same conversation over and over, maybe you're not taking ownership or responsibility for your share of the conflict. Even if the devil himself is working in the cubicle next to you and bullies you every minute of every day, you can probably think of at least one behavior you've exhibited that may have made the situation worse or kept it going. Being humble means owning up to your part of the conflict, even if your part was simply to ignore it for too long. And if you can't get yourself to say you've done anything wrong, just think of it as a strategic move that gets you what you want in the long run: a solution to the conflict that has eaten up way too much of your time.
Warning
Being humble doesn't mean becoming a sponge for blame, however. If you feel you have some responsibility, by all means take it. But remember the difference between being humble and taking a fall. Overstating your role in a conflict doesn't allow for an authentic conversation.
Note
Dianne was about to be called into the manager's office for a reprimand. In past conversations the store manager would tell her everything she'd done wrong and Dianne would spend too much time defending herself, leaving both parties frustrated. This time, Dianne decided to try something different. She walked in, admitted the error, talked about her plan to avoid it in the future, and said, "Okay, now, let me have it!" Well, this response wasn't much fun for the boss, who was ready for a fight, not a mea culpa. Prepare to accept responsibility for your role right upfront instead of planning a defense.
If self-assessment isn't easy for you, ask for help. Invite a trustworthy person to be brutally honest with you — to give you unbiased information and keep your conversation confidential. If you and a colleague have been complaining about a conflict for some time, that confidante may not be a neutral person to approach for feedback, so choose someone else.
Warning
Asking for help and gossiping aren't the same things. If you want someone to brainstorm an approach or help you identify interests and emotions, you're on the right track. If you're looking to trash the other person and just want a witness, reconsider. Gossip and trash talk are poison in a workplace.
When looking for advice, people often seek out others whom they know will give them the answers they want and support the positions they've taken. If you just want to vent and blow off steam, this approach is fine, but it doesn't do much to help you conduct an honest self-evaluation. Try to think of this person as someone who can help you prepare for the productive conversation you plan to have.
Tip
After you identify your sounding board, ask him the following questions:
What do you think I'm doing to keep this conflict going?
What am I not seeing on the other side?
How might others describe my values?
What do you think the other person might gain if I do take the time to listen and consider his ideas? What might I gain?
Be open to hearing what he has to say and then act on it. If he tells you that you don't respond well to other people's ideas, consider what impact that may have on others, and then figure out how that behavior lines up with a core value. If he describes you in a way that doesn't resonate, ask more questions. You may have to spend some time processing his observations to see the situation the way he does, but if you're asking him because you trust him, heed his advice.
Every core value has two sides. In one light, a value has the potential to get in the way of a cohesive team, and in another it can reveal itself as a great asset. If you value control, you may hear others complain about micromanagement, but that same value may be the very thing that gets you promoted! If you value independence, you may bristle at the idea of being paired with a co-worker on a project, but you may also be more likely to be viewed as a self-starter. And if one of your core values is accomplishment, your co-workers may have assigned you the unflattering title of "taskmaster," but your boss sees it as doing what it takes to get the job done right and on time.
Consider the upside and potential pitfalls of your values and recognize the positive aspects of each. Valuing respect allows you to treat others with dignity; regarding competence moves you to create reports your company can trust; and appreciating autonomy makes you a manager who knows how to encourage the people on your team to advance their careers.
Note
It's okay to honestly acknowledge your strengths and be proud of them. Just remember to acknowledge and appreciate the strengths of the other person in the conflict as well (hard as that may be!). Recognizing and validating values gives you a great wealth of insight to pull from when assessing how to address a conflict. As you begin to pay more attention to values, you're able to view behavior, language, and activities that were confusing or frustrating for you through a whole new lens.
The other person in the conflict also has core values that aren't being met, respected, or honored. He's probably ready for the problem to be resolved and is eager for someone to consider his perspective. The main difference between you and him is that you've had the luxury of thinking through a plan that meets both of your needs. Keep in mind that he may still be stuck on what he wants and unwilling to bend on certain issues, so you may need to include a strategy to help move him along in your plan for resolving the conflict.
Note
Before you ask to meet with the other person, take a minute and recognize that he isn't against you, he's merely for himself. As you prepare for a new conversation and begin to consider his point of view, you'll see him less as an enemy and more as a potential ally in solving the difficulty.
Consider what you know about your co-worker. Be honest, but be kind. What does his job demand of him? What stress could he be under? Think about what you've noticed when he's most upset. Be clear about what you really know, and separate out secondhand information you may have added to strengthen your initial point of view. Can you tie his words or actions to values? Take the time to jot down a few words that describe his needs from his perspective.
While you're talking to a trusted source about your strengths and areas for development (see the earlier section "Asking for help" for more information about talking to trusted sources), be sure to ask him what he knows about the co-worker and why he may respond to you the way he does. This isn't the time to stir the pot, so be careful whom you chat with and when and where you chat. You want to get information that helps you present resolution ideas in an appealing way to your co-worker, not to dig up dirt on the fellow.
Run through a couple of ways to approach the situation. As you prepare, brainstorm some questions that may help you understand what your co-worker's values are. Some possibilities are:
"What do you want to see happen here today?"
"What about 'x' is important to you?"
"I can tell it bothers you when I 'y'; help me understand your reaction."
Note
The most important thing is to be sincere and open with your questions when you meet with him. If your co-worker can tell you what he wants most, the two of you can look for solutions that fit.
When trying to discover the other person's values and what he wants, you may fall into the trap of answering questions with dramatic responses like, "He wants to control everything and take my job, that's what he wants!" Instead, put the histrionics aside and follow these guidelines:
Spend time putting yourself in his shoes. If someone continues a conflict even after you've tried to address it, chances are his behavior is a symptom of his interests not being met. Thinking objectively about the other person's needs can be difficult, but if it can provide you with tools to manage future conflicts, it's worth it.
Stop thinking in terms of "always" and "never." These definitive words tend to create more drama than they resolve. They cement you in place rather than help you look at the situation from a new perspective, so put them aside and use language that more clearly states the situation.
Note
Rob and Karen have a pre-staff-meeting conversation where Rob talks about a project he's considering implementing. During the meeting, Karen mentions the idea, and it's well received by the boss. Rob feels as if Karen has hijacked his idea and his accolades. Rob thinks, "You know what? She ALWAYS does that!" Rob calms down and decides to clarify the parts of the situation that bother him. Does he feel that he's not receiving credit for his ideas? Or does it bother him that Karen feels the need to speak for him? Or does he feel that Karen doesn't respect conversations held in confidence? When he figures out that he's most upset by Karen speaking for him, he talks with her and shares that he prefers to brainstorm ideas and present them together. Karen is receptive to his request, and Rob is thankful he didn't act on his first impulse, which was to storm into her office, and let her know that she's NEVER to do that again!
It's impossible to know everything about everyone, so you have to do some guesswork about what the other person in the conflict values. You may be able to assume from someone's behavior and language that he values respect or autonomy, but many of his values remain a mystery to you. Not knowing everything that he values may work to your benefit, though. It may inspire your curiosity and reduce preconceived notions. Look to channel your curiosity about his values into creating a dialogue about understanding.
Start a list of what you think may be important to the other person, and have it with you when you meet. Let him know you've given his values some thought, and ask to hear from him to see whether your list is correct. (See Chapter 16 for more information on setting up a meeting.) Demonstrating curiosity shows a willingness to listen, creates the possibility for commonality, and can open doors that may surprise you.
Note
The other person may have personal, professional, or other difficulties going on in his life. Problems like these may have a significant impact on him and the conflict. Try to remember that personal problems and pressures may be holding him back from being at his best, and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Now it's time to get to work, take a broader perspective, and consider both sides of your conflict. Gather your lists, do a little considering, and put pencil to paper by filling out the worksheet in Figure 15-1. There's no right or wrong way to fill in the boxes. You can work your way down while only considering yourself before turning your attention to the other person, or you can answer each section for both of you as you consider each topic. I help you get started by walking you through each topic in the upcoming sections.
Start by filling out the issues section of the worksheet for yourself. In the appropriate box, write down as many issues as you can think of that apply to the conflict from your perspective. Don't think too deeply at this point; just write what comes to mind. Keep asking yourself, "What about this is important to me?" The payoff is a discussion about the primary issues rather than the tangential ones. Having an authentic conversation keeps you from agreeing to solutions that sound good on the surface but don't actually line up with your values.
As an example, suppose you're having a conflict with a store employee about being late to meetings. Perhaps you make entries like these:
Shows up late.
Doesn't apologize.
Disrupts work flow.
Doesn't know what's going on.
Ignores requests to be on time.
Note every aspect of the conflict you can recall, and put your perspective in the column you've designated for yourself.
Complete the worksheet by filling in what you think the other person would write if he were completing the worksheet. Would he say that you spend too much time watching the clock, or that you micromanage group meetings?
After you've had a chance to identify the issues, think about why those issues have impacted you. Take a look at what you've jotted down and spend some time evaluating the deeper reasons that these things have had an impact on you. Underneath the surface issues, what are you both trying to satisfy? Are you looking for respect, cooperation, autonomy, or teamwork? (If you need a refresher or more information on values versus issues, check out Chapter 2.) Really consider what may be most important to the other person, realizing that his values may differ from your own. After you've done some speculating and evaluating, jot down that information on both sides of the worksheet.
Warning
Resist placing your own values on the other person. If you carry around the expectation that others should behave according to your value system, you'll be frustrated and disappointed. When you recognize that you may not share the same values as a colleague, you can go into future conversations without being let down by his behavior, making it easier to ask for what you need.
Note
For example, if Cathy wants the corner office because she currently resides next to the copy machine, water cooler, and candy bowl where everyone meets to chat, one of her core values could be peace and quiet. Dave, who was promoted last year but stayed in the same cubicle, may want the corner office because he values recognition. If Cathy and Dave switch the conversation from who gets the office to how to create peace and get recognition, they'll end up with solutions they wouldn't have considered before.
Move on to the hot buttons area and fill in the aspects of the conflict that bother you most. Here you should enter phrases like, "Thinks an apology isn't warranted," or, "Ignores me when I try to bring it up." Identify topics or conversations you've had in the past that have raised the tension in the room. Which specific words or phrases pushed you past a calm demeanor?
Tip
As you're creating your list and responses, include potential hot buttons you may inadvertently push with the other person. If you've been tiptoeing around subjects or certain phrases to avoid an emotional response on his part, those subjects or issues are his hot buttons. Complete both sides of the worksheet.
Consider the strengths each of you brings to the workplace. The individual who has a difficult time focusing during staff meetings may be the most creative person on the team. The guy who points out the errors in his co-workers' daily receipts may be the person who catches disasters before they happen. Think about what each of you brings to the work group that's unique, valuable, and important. Be generous but realistic. Use the earlier section "Recognizing your strengths" to help fill out this portion of the worksheet for yourself.
As you prepare to complete the common ground section of Figure 15-1, remember that both of you would like improved working conditions and for the problem to go away. At least you agree on something! Beyond those things, you may both be interested in improving a process, fostering teamwork, or bringing success to the job site; you may just be working on these issues differently.
Note
Be open to the possibility that you may share goals with the other person, and make note of these goals on the worksheet. The goals are great starting points for ideas and for your conversation in general.
When you have the bigger picture in mind, generate some proposals. Now that you have a better understanding of where the two of you stand, think about what you want to ask for and what you can offer the other person. Get creative!
Note
This is a time to be specific about what you'd like to see and what you want to stop. If the other person talks too much in meetings, rather than asking him not to talk, consider proposing he take notes, prioritize his top three issues prior to the meetings, or send suggested agenda items in advance. At this point in your preparation, think beyond fair trade negotiations and get creative about how you may solve the problem. Remember, these are just proposals, and you can't know if they'll work until you have an open conversation with the other person. Give the ideas some thought, but don't get too emotionally attached to them until you know the other person is onboard.
Ask yourself:
What has already been tried?
What has worked in the past?
How can we be more creative?
What can we do differently?
What solutions or ideas work for both of us?
Who else might help us develop a solution?
What is within our power to change?
Are my proposals realistic and possible? Have I considered all the details?
Do I need all the answers right now?
What am I willing to give to resolve the conflict?
What are my intentions for proposing these ideas?
What would an ideal working relationship look like?