Managers often have to address the conflicts of the people on their team. You've probably worked with managers who've tried to rush headlong into a conversation with the people in conflict, without giving much thought to the process or the techniques that could maximize their chances of success. You may have taken such an approach yourself because it was quick — and possibly even necessary for a temporary answer. But rushing into a conversation doesn't usually yield good long-term results.
Note
People in your organization probably see you as a problem solver, because you're one of the people the company wants on the front lines. And that's a good thing. But solving your employees' conflicts for them actually does more harm than good. Think about your own life for a moment: You're more likely to support an idea when you have a stake in creating the solution than you are when someone else arbitrarily decides the answer for you. The same thing is true for your employees. They want a say in how a conflict is resolved because they're the ones who have to live with the consequences.
This line of thinking may represent a dramatic shift for you, but don't worry — I fill you in on a proven process that not only solves problems but also strengthens people's ability to tackle future issues.
This chapter is dedicated to all the front-loaded work you can do to prepare your employees for a productive conflict resolution meeting. In this type of mediation, you facilitate discussion — you don't make decisions or even offer suggestions, odd as that may sound. The responsibility for creative solutions and decisions ultimately will rest on the shoulders of the folks who are in conflict, so you can focus on other tasks.
You may have had your eye on a conflict for a while and perhaps even chatted briefly about the problem with one or more of the people affected by it. Regardless, if your employees have reached the point where they need some help, it's time to intervene and facilitate a mediated conversation. (See Chapter 5 for information on knowing when to address conflict.) Follow this strategic process that takes your employees from preparing, to sharing, to understanding, to brainstorming, to agreement. I give you all the preparation details you need in this section; Chapters 7, 8, and 9 help you work through the remaining stages of the process.
Note
In the upcoming sections, I cover the elements of a good preparatory approach. I break them out and discuss each in detail, but you should include them in one succinct communiqué or conversation.
Every meeting starts with an invitation, and mediation is no different. You have some decisions to make regarding the way in which you'll notify your employees about the meeting — and the option you choose depends on your relationship to the parties involved.
This step of your strategic process can vary, depending on the kind of workplace you're in and the policies surrounding dispute resolution. I outline two good invitation options in the upcoming sections. Regardless of how you opt to let the parties know it's time to talk, the goal of the invitation is to
Share information about the process
Allow the parties to voice any initial concerns
Prepare them to share their perspective at the meeting
Tip
The timing of this invitation may be as important as the invitation itself. Whether you choose to inform your employees that you're requesting their attendance in person or in writing, do so in a manner that allows them enough time to process their thoughts, but not so much time that they dwell on it. And unless you feel like doling out cruel and unusual punishments, don't set the meeting for a Monday and send the invitation on a Friday afternoon — your employees' entire weekend will likely be ruined worrying about the meeting.
Your employees may not yet see a mediated conversation as a helpful and constructive thing, and that usually means resistance. If you choose to approach them in person, do so in a private and confidential way. Dropping a bomb during your next staff meeting that Jarred and Kelly have been having some difficulties and are expected to talk things out with you may not generate a lot of goodwill. Plus, it drags others into the conflict. Instead, find a time when each employee is alone and has a few moments to chat with you. They'll both likely have a number of questions, so allow some time for them to process the request and come back to you if they feel the need.
The benefits to a face-to-face meeting request include the following:
Your employees have the opportunity to hear from you firsthand what your intentions are for the dialogue. They'll likely initially see this conversation as a disciplinary action, rather than as an opportunity to solve problems. You can do a lot to reinforce a positive, creative approach to the conversation ahead of time, simply by talking about the meeting as just such an opportunity.
Your employees have a chance to process with you how they're thinking and feeling in real time. Processing those thoughts and feelings now is better than brooding and worrying over the course of a few days while they prepare for the meeting.
Warning
Expect, however, that if you offer a verbal invite to your meeting, you may begin to hear more than you're ready for right away. Knowing that a mediated conversation is imminent, employees may try to deflect or defer the meeting. They may even try to convince you that the other one is clearly the problem.
If that happens, just reiterate your desire to talk about anything they'd like to share during the meeting and tell them that, for now, you're just letting them know the particulars and your expectations for the meeting. Use summarizing skills and clarifying questions to keep them on track and focused. (For more information about communication skills, refer to Chapter 7.)
A personal invitation is not the best bet if you're not comfortable relaying all the details about your role, their roles, the goal of the meeting, the process you'll be employing, what will be different about this meeting, and what will happen with any agreements. In that case, use the written option (see the next section).
You know your workplace, and you know what's appropriate and not appropriate when it comes to written meeting requests. If possible, make this invitation informal rather than formal. An e-mail or personal note is better than written instructions on company letterhead using very businesslike language. The best-written invitations are simple, personal, and confidential.
Tip
Provide both employees with an opportunity to talk to you if they have any questions or concerns. You don't want them going into your meeting with false impressions or preconceived ideas about your intentions and goals.
Note
The benefit to putting the request in writing is that it provides your employees time to consider their reactions and thoughts before engaging anyone in discussion. Many employees find taking some time to gather their thoughts is a great boon to their ability to address the conflict with the right frame of mind.
Warning
A written invitation has some limitations as well. Specifically, the employees may be concerned about
The formality of such a meeting
Who else knows about the conflict or the meetings (for example, how involved other departments — particularly Human Resources — are in this conversation)
Whether your letter will be part of their permanent files
Whether their jobs are at stake
Anticipate concerns and include those items in the text of your invitation. Put their minds at ease with language that's clear, concise, and inviting.
Here's an example of a written invitation that includes concepts I go over throughout this chapter. Your memo should look something like this:
Dear Barbara and Pat:
Thank you for spending a few minutes to talk with me the other day about the conflict you're experiencing. I know this hasn't been an easy time for you, so I've arranged for the three of us to meet on Tuesday at 9:30 a.m. in the south conference room. My intention in calling this meeting is to mediate a conversation in which you'll both be able to share ideas on how we might resolve the issues. Your attendance is mandatory, but I'd like you both to voluntarily prepare a number of ideas for possible solutions.
During the meeting, I'll act as a neutral facilitator. That means I won't be taking sides, nor will I be advocating for one idea over another. If at any point you feel it's necessary for me to act in a managerial capacity to determine how a particular idea might play out, I'll certainly be able to do that. Otherwise, consider this your meeting with your agenda.
Our department head has asked that I report the result of the meeting to her, and I've agreed. I will not, however, be sharing anything other than whether an agreement is reached and any follow-up is needed. I would like you both to keep the meeting to yourselves, and we can decide who else needs to know about the outcome at the end of our discussion.
I expect that you both will come prepared to discuss all the pertinent topics and that you'll be open and willing to hear what each other has to say. Between now and the meeting, consider your specific issues, possible solutions to the problems, and how you'll respectfully communicate these things to each other.
Clear your calendar for the better part of the day. I'll have lunch brought in so we won't have any distractions. This meeting is a priority for me, so I'll make sure I'm not interrupted. Please do the same.
I'm confident you each have what it takes to work this out. If you both give this a good-faith effort and you're not able to resolve the problem, I can offer additional resources. If I can clear up any questions you have about the meeting details, please let me know. Otherwise, anything you'd like to share about the situation should be saved for the meeting.
In your (verbal or written) communication about your meeting, discuss and clarify a number of concepts regarding what your employees can expect from you during the meeting. You'll be fulfilling dual roles during the course of the meeting. You'll need to act both as a manager and a mediator, but for very different reasons and at very different times. There may be times when you'll need to clarify policies and procedures that are specific to your workplace.
The majority of the time, however, you'll want to be acting in a different role. Specifically, you want them to see you as something entirely separate from your job as "the boss." You want them to see you as both of the following:
Facilitator: Essentially, you'll be facilitating the conversation. This means that you won't be taking anyone's side or speaking on behalf of either party. Reinforce that both employees are responsible for representing and speaking for themselves.
Guide: Clarify that the responsibility for making all the decisions comes down to your employees. This means that, although you may help them in crafting and living up to any agreements they make, all decisions ultimately need to come from them.
If your employees can see you as a facilitator and a guide rather than as an enforcer of policies or a disciplinarian, they'll be more likely to speak openly and thoughtfully. Seeing you in such a way frees them up to think creatively about possible solutions and allows them to speak more freely about information that may be essential to getting to the root of the problem.
For many employees, and indeed maybe even for you, the process in this book is a new way of looking at conflict, so they must have a clear understanding of your expectations of them during the mediation meeting process. They may think that this conversation will be an extension of what they've already done or, worse, that you're going to spend the time chewing them out.
Tip
When you invite the parties to the meeting, do a couple of things to prepare them and to help them create some opportunities that will make this conversation go well:
Ask them to come fully prepared to discuss all the topics that are pertinent to their conflict. It's important that they're willing to participate fully and give the meeting an honest-to-goodness effort. Encourage them to be open and willing to discuss any possible items that may come up. Essentially, encourage them to think creatively and come to the meeting with a number of ideas for resolving the issues, rather than entering the room with only one fixed way of solving the problem.
Remind them to be aware of their language — which includes tone of voice and body language. The best conversations are ones in which your employees, though they may disagree with each other, speak respectfully and without interruption. No one genuinely receives an apology that includes eyes rolling and ends with a tsk!
Note
This part of your process really only serves as a means to get the parties in the right frame of mind prior to the meeting. You'll be repeating these instructions again in a much more formalized fashion when the meeting begins, so don't spend too much time discussing specific expectations right now. (For information about setting the tone and orienting your employees to your process, refer to Chapter 7.)
There's no getting around it — people are going to talk. When employees are in the midst of conflict, you can pretty much guarantee that they've brought others into the mix. In some cases, it's merely to blow off steam and vent some frustration. In other cases, it's to draw others to "the cause" and gather strength for their positions. Either way, other people are involved, so you need to attend to it.
Start by addressing the extent to which you'll be acting in a confidential manner. Specifically, clarify with your employees exactly what you will and won't share with others. If you'll be reporting to your manager the results of the discussion, be clear and upfront about it.
Note
By including confidentiality details in your invitation, your parties will have a sense that, indeed, this meeting will be different. They'll also be more apt to share crucial information about the situation and the impact it's had on them.
Additionally, you must address the confidentiality expectations you have of the employees. Because others are likely interested in this conversation, you need to tell the parties involved how they should speak about the upcoming meeting with the rest of the staff (if they talk about it at all). Encourage them to limit any conversation with others regarding your meeting or the person they're in conflict with. Although expecting them to remain completely silent on the matter may be unreasonable, at the very least you're planting the seed that other voices may only complicate matters rather than help, and that this conflict, along with its resolution, is their responsibility.
When you're in the meeting (see Chapter 7 for more about the actual meeting), you can create some specific and mutually agreed-upon language surrounding the confidentiality of the conversation. For now, however, you're just trying to do some damage control and limit the problems that can arise when other employees throw in their two cents.
Your company may already have a very formalized dispute resolution procedure, and this conversation may fall somewhere within that process. Or your workplace may not outline any specific procedures or guidelines for handling meetings of this sort. Either way, having a clear understanding of the degree to which this process is voluntary or mandatory is important.
I encourage you to describe this meeting as mandatory with voluntary elements. Though you may require your employees to participate, let's face it, the conflict may not be something they can resolve in one meeting. So give them some insight into your intentions right upfront. Let them know that you're expecting them to attend, participate fully, and give it a good-faith effort, but that they are not required to reach a solution at any cost during the session. Also, though the meeting may be mandatory, any offers they make or solutions they arrive at are entirely voluntary. Discuss this point in the meeting request to demonstrate how this discussion will be different from past attempts and to alleviate any fears that they'll be stuck in a room for hours only to finally give in just so they can leave. Let them know that other options are available if they come to a standstill.
Your invitation to the meeting should include assignments. Give the parties some specific tasks to work on in the days leading up to the conversation. Depending on the nature of the conflict, you can vary your approach and instructions, but consider the following topics as possible pre-work:
Specific issues: It may be difficult for employees to pinpoint exactly which concerns and issues they have with the other person. By encouraging them to spend some time identifying specific behaviors that upset them, you're helping them put language to their conflict.
Language: Not only do you want your employees to examine their specific concerns, you also want them to be thoughtful of the way in which they discuss them. Encourage them to find language that expresses their concerns without making the other person defensive or resistant.
Possible solutions: You want your employees to be open to ideas and proposals that are generated through brainstorming, but it never hurts to have them prepare some ideas in advance. Ask them to think about what would make them most satisfied and what they'd be willing to live with.
Their own responsibility: It's all well and good to get them thinking about what they want from the other person, but it's another thing entirely to ask them to consider what they're willing to do. Help them see that their own responsibility is not so much a concession, but a strategy. Can they think of anything they may be able to do to bring the conflict to an agreeable close?
Before your employees are ready to sit down with you and get the conversation started, you have some work to do. By preparing the space for your meeting, you maximize your potential for a successful conversation.
You must maintain the appearance and substance of neutrality at all times throughout your conversation. Any suggestion — whether real or imagined — that you've compromised neutrality will derail your process. (For more information about neutrality, refer to Chapter 7.)
Here are a few things you can do to create a sense of safety and neutrality:
Consider the location of the room itself. Make sure the room you choose doesn't hold more or less power for either party. Specifically, try not to schedule your meeting in any location that could be described as either employee's "turf." Work to balance the power early to avoid having to address a power struggle during the meeting.
Choose a meeting room that's as private as possible. Meeting someplace where other employees are wandering in and out or lurking (and listening) won't create the kind of environment you want. So find a place where the curious eyes of others won't affect your discussion.
Private should also mean minimal distractions. A room with a telephone constantly ringing or computer beeps announcing the arrival of new e-mail serves only to distract from the conversation. Listening well is hard when you have distractions competing for your attention.
Note
Avoid creating a situation like that of a manager at a local mortgage office who held a mediated conversation between two employees in an area of the office that the team collectively referred to as the "fishbowl." The room was a raised platform surrounded on all sides by windows in the center of the office. Needless to say, every time another employee would wander past the area, there were stares and uncomfortable glances. Everyone in the office had some idea that something was happening between the two employees, and their curiosity got the better of them. In the midst of the meeting, one of the employees turned to the manager and said, "I feel like I'm in the middle of a three-ring circus. It's absolutely humiliating. I think I'd rather just quit."
Successful mediated conversations take some time. If you're following the process in this part and following each step to its fullest potential, your conversation may take upwards of three to four hours (including the occasional ten-to-fifteen-minute breaks you'll take for personal needs). Make sure that the parties allow for such a time commitment when you schedule the meeting. You want them to treat this meeting as a priority, not an afterthought. It's reasonable to assume that the demands of the workplace may intervene in the conversation, but setting clear expectations about the importance of the meeting should create the space for the parties to devote enough time to reach solid agreements.
These kinds of conversations can be difficult and uncomfortable for employees. You can help create a more positive response to the conversation, however, by improving the comfort of your surroundings.
Holding the meeting on neutral ground is important, but location is only part of that equation. Both of your employees must have equal access to all the amenities that you provide. Yes, it sounds silly to discuss these finer details, but trust me, they matter. I had a mediation go south from the get-go because one party's pen didn't work and the other person couldn't stop laughing!
Consider the quantity and quality of everything in the meeting. For example, if you provide three pieces of paper to one employee, make sure the other employee also has three pieces of paper. If you provide a black pen with a cap to one, make sure that the other person has the same. Any indication of partiality can disrupt your process.
Make the process go more smoothly by setting up your room in a fairly bare-bones way. The fewer distractions the better. That said, consider including a few of the following items to help the parties make the most of their time:
Blank paper: To jot down any notes or thoughts they have during the process, or for documenting important decisions that come from your discussion. This is also a great way to remind your employees not to interrupt each other when they're speaking. By drawing attention to the paper, you can subtly remind them to wait their turn.
Pens/pencils: If you're going to have paper, make sure to provide something they can write with. Oh, and make sure that both pens work or that both pencils are equally sharp!
Comfortable chairs: The meeting is going to last approximately three to four hours, so provide comfortable chairs. Lengthy and difficult conversations can be made even more lengthy and difficult if you're constantly readjusting, trying to find a comfortable position.
Water and snacks: Your employees may appreciate some simple amenities like water when their voices get tired from talking, or something to munch on to help keep their blood sugar stable. Providing water and snacks also prevents the need for too many breaks.
Tip
Some snacks are better than others. Nervous employees who gobble down handful after handful of candy may have a quick burst of energy followed about an hour later by a pretty nasty sugar crash. I provide protein bars or granola bars and a small bowl of candy.
Facial tissue: Don't be surprised if you see tears from either of your employees. It may not happen, but if it does, you need to be prepared. I knew an employee who would bring her own box of tissue to every discussion she thought might be difficult. She'd plop it on the table and say, "This is a topic I feel strongly about, and I just might start crying once we get into it. If I do, I've got my tissue ready, so just ignore my tears and listen to what I'm saying." Because she was able to acknowledge upfront that she might cry, she never once produced tears. Do the same for your employees and let them know you're prepared.
A way to keep time: You may keep a clock in the room with you for the purposes of monitoring the length and timing of your meeting. Because you'll be the facilitator of the process, it's less important that your employees have access to a clock. If you do provide one, however, just make sure each employee has equal access to it.
With all the work you've done to prepare your employees, you also need to take a few minutes to focus on yourself. Getting caught up in the conflict is pretty easy to do. Don't allow yourself to get over-invested in the outcome, though. In fact, the less emotionally invested you are, the better.
Note
This is your employees' conflict. They own the problems, so they own the solutions! If you allow yourself to become attached to the conflict, and you become invested enough to make suggestions or offer solutions, you've effectively become responsible for those outcomes and whether they succeed or fail. Your employees will be more likely to buy in and follow through on an agreement when they themselves propose and refine it.
Tip
Before your meeting begins, take about 30 minutes and prepare yourself for what's to come. Strong conflict creates strong emotions, not only on the part of the participants, but for any observer as well. Expect to hear language that's affected by emotions, and prepare yourself accordingly.
Prepare yourself in these three ways while waiting for your meeting to begin:
Mentally: Be ready to listen for facts, figures, and timelines so you can keep it all straight in your own mind.
Be sure to clear whatever time is necessary for your meeting. If you can, take care of any issues that may be hanging over you. You won't be giving your best to your employees if you're thinking about your own project that's due at the end of the week!
Emotionally: This is the self-preparation that comes with expecting to hear difficult language and raised voices. Remind yourself who the conflict really belongs to (them!) and who is responsible for solving the problem (them!). This approach will help center you before the meeting.
Personally: Whatever helps you clear your mind and focus on the present will help you make the most of your time in the coming meeting. Anyone who does mediation for a living knows that high emotions and negative energy can exhaust even the most prepared facilitator, so some folks I know meditate, some read over a favorite passage, and others listen to music. I prefer complete silence before I bring parties in.