Kicking off a mediation meeting
Listening to employees' perspectives
Summarizing, reflecting, and reframing
Creating a road map for discussion
After you meet privately with individuals in conflict, you have the option to facilitate a discussion (or mediation) between the two. The way you set up the meeting room is important, so look for tips on how to do that in Chapter 6. When you're ready to bring the participants in, take a deep breath and steady yourself so you can be the neutral facilitator they need.
In this chapter, I give you skills and techniques to direct the conversation in a meaningful way as well as step-by-step instructions on how to demonstrate your neutrality by reflecting emotions and issues back to the parties. I also share tips on ordering and structuring a productive agenda.
Unsure how all this fits together? Not to worry — the flowchart in Figure 7-1 will help you keep track of where you're at in the process and what the next steps should look like.
Mediating a discussion is a lot more than just positioning yourself between two people who aren't getting along and blocking verbal punches. There's an art to reading the situation in a way that puts you in the facilitator's seat but allows you enough involvement in the discussion to move the conversation forward. It's not refereeing; it's guiding. And it's guiding without the parties feeling manipulated. Stay on top of the conversation without getting too involved in it. For instance, don't talk too much or say things like, "Well, Vanessa made a good point there, Brent. It's hard to argue with that."
The extent to which your employees feel comfortable with you mediating their conflict is a concept that's difficult to quantify. It's vital that they see you as a neutral and impartial facilitator of their dialogue, even if you're required to wear the Manager Hat when you leave the room.
The words you choose and the tone you take set the stage for either a productive conversation or a gripe session to ensue. Draw on the following tips to establish rapport and make everyone feel comfortable:
Use open language. Use words that encourage positive interactions, like share, create, explore, encourage, clarify, and guide. Avoid words that detract or shut down interactions, like must, require, expect, demand, and impose.
Be brief. Lengthy oration about expectations may do more harm than good. Your opening comments should be lengthy enough to describe the process and expectations but not so long that you lose their interest.
Project confidence. The folks at the table are looking to you to keep the meeting on track and civil, and to help them focus. If you appear nervous or uncomfortable, you may send a signal to your employees that they, too, should be nervous or uncomfortable.
Present yourself as neutrally as possible. If the time arises when you have to step back into the management role and make a decision, the decision will be better received if the employees feel you were impartial during the rest of the conversation. Be equally interested in what each has to say by providing the same opportunities to each throughout the process; allow equal opportunity for them to share their stories and to add content to the meeting agenda.
Here are some easy ways to show and keep an impartial role in the process:
Position yourself in the middle. Your chair should be in a position that maintains an easy balance between the parties. For example, you may place yourself at the head of the table with the parties on either side. You don't want to have to turn your back to either of your participants.
Strive for balanced eye contact. Manage the amount of time you make eye contact with each party. Spend most of your time connecting with the person who's speaking, but be sure to check in periodically with the other person. You minimize outbursts and create a sense of awareness of their needs if they both feel you're paying attention.
Watch your reactions. You may hear some things that you'll find surprising, but keep your poker face! A raised eyebrow, a rolled eye, or a dropped jaw at the wrong moment can send a pretty clear message that you've made up your mind and have lost your objectivity.
Balance your feedback. It may not be possible to provide identical feedback for your parties, nor is it reasonable to expect that your feedback will take exactly as long for one as it does for another. You do, however, want your feedback to be roughly in balance in terms of timing, tone, and content. For tips on giving feedback, see "Summarizing and Reflecting Back What You Hear," later in this chapter).
Facilitate dialogue. Your goal for this meeting is not to assign blame or responsibility for the problem, nor is it to solve the problem for them. Instead, your job is to give them the space to create their own conversation, to acknowledge and validate their perspectives, and to facilitate them solving their own problem.
When it's time for your employees to share their perspectives (which happens later in the meeting) demonstrate active listening skills by taking good notes, and begin thinking about how to summarize each party's viewpoint in a way that speaks to what he does want instead of what he doesn't want. And on top of that, periodically check in with the other person. No small feat, right?
While each party tells you what's been going on for him or her, demonstrate that you hear and understand what the speaker is sharing by doing the following:
Display open body language by assuming a comfortable posture with your arms at your sides or resting on the table.
Try to lean forward just enough to demonstrate your interest but not so much that you're sitting in the speaker's lap.
Be aware of environmental impacts on your body language. If you've folded your arms because the temperature of the room is chilly, a participant could read that as a judgmental posture.
Take simple notes (not a word-for-word transcript) on what each speaker is saying, but also listen carefully for any values and emotions you hear. Make note of important dates, numbers, or other facts, and take special care to note any potential common ground that the two parties share, so you can provide that in feedback as a way to illuminate mutual interests.
Tip
It's difficult for a listening co-worker not to interrupt, so make sure you're doing enough to stay connected in some way with her. Simple movements like a glance in her direction or sliding your hand toward her side of the table can be enough to say that you haven't forgotten that she's there and that in a moment you'll be sure to provide her an opportunity to speak about her perspective. Both will be more likely to sit and listen quietly if they know that you're periodically checking in with them to see how they're doing.
You may be tempted to ask a number of questions while your parties are sharing their thoughts. Resist that urge! This isn't the time or place for it, even if you hear things you feel you can clear up or address in the moment. This meeting isn't an inquisition, so wait until later to test assumptions or address misinformation. Chapter 8 explains more on how to do that.
Note
This part of the meeting isn't about the facts; it's about the experience. You want your participants to feel open to share information. It's more important that they relay their thoughts and emotions and feel heard than it is for you to clarify or fix information that they provide. Your only job here is to make sure that you're hearing and understanding what's said.
Set the right tone for the meeting from the get-go. It's important that your participants are clear in your expectations of them and are as comfortable as is reasonably possible given that they may not have spoken to each other in quite a while or have been at each other's throats. Bring them in together, and begin by inviting both of them to take a moment to relax as you outline some of the housekeeping items that will make the meeting run smoother. Set up the parameters by using clear language in an organized and professional manner. With that said, don't freak everybody out by being so scripted that it sounds like they're on trial. Set boundaries, but let the employees know you're willing to be flexible.
If this is the first time the two have been able to talk, be aware that a lot of new information will be exchanged, and it's up to you to make sure they're really hearing what the other has to say. On the other hand, if they've tried talking to one another before, they've probably shared most of the details but can't agree on a solution. If the latter is the case, let them know you'll focus on helping them brainstorm solutions that work for both sides.
Also let them know that you'll spend most of the time together understanding from each person what keeps them in conflict and then working to find what each needs in order to limit further problems. For now they've probably prepared some pretty tough language about the other person (or even regarding their thoughts about this meeting) that may threaten to derail your process. But don't panic! Go over rules of common courtesy, and point out that you won't tolerate name-calling or disrespectful language.
Tip
Emphasize collaboration by stressing to your employees that this conversation is their opportunity to come together and work on a solution that's satisfactory to both of them. Include language that emphasizes the responsibility that each shares in brainstorming and implementing solutions.
In this section, I walk you through a sound way to describe what's about to happen, what you will and won't be doing for each of your participants, and what you expect from everyone at the table.
You're the manager, and your employees are used to you being in charge. This meeting is different, though, and it's vital that they understand your objective role as mediator. Explain that you aren't acting as a decision maker, an advocate, or even a counselor. You aren't influencing outcomes, offering advice, or determining liability. You're here to help them explore their issues and concerns, assist them in brainstorming options, and aid them in creating their own mutually agreeable outcomes and solutions.
Warning
This is not your conflict! Though you may have a stake in the outcome, it's important to remember that the conflict and its solution rest in the hands of your employees. If you become invested in the outcome, take sides, or offer solutions and ideas, you risk alienating one (or both!) employees.
Additionally, you may find that if your ideas or suggestions don't meet their needs, in their eyes you've effectively become responsible for the failure of the process. By reinforcing that the responsibility for solution rests on their shoulders, you effectively reinforce ownership and buy-in for the process.
After you state your role, clearly stress the importance of the participants' roles. Specifically, outline the kind of behavior you'd like to see from them during the course of the conversation. Discuss these key points:
Willingness to listen: Asking employees to communicate respectfully means allowing time to finish sentences and thoughts and choosing not to interrupt when the other is speaking. It also means not monopolizing the floor when speaking.
Willingness to share: Encourage them to speak from their own perspectives. Remind them that it's important to hear what each person has to say and that this meeting is a safe setting in which to do so.
Courteous treatment: Most people are fairly courteous in their day-to-day interactions with others, but when in conflict it often becomes difficult to maintain the same manners. Acknowledge this fact, and then ask your employees to remember that courteous treatment of one another is a simple way to make your meeting go smoother.
Openness to new ideas: Although each employee has likely come to this meeting with only one way of addressing the conflict, encourage them to remember that there are multiple ways to solve problems. There are no wrong answers while brainstorming; ideas they never imagined may come from the most innocuous comment.
Encourage your participants to start out by speaking directly to you. They'll have an opportunity to speak to one another later, but for now, you want all their energy and attention focused on you. They likely have prepared scripts running in their heads, which include a laundry list of things that the other person has done, and they may use language that isn't terribly helpful. Rather than have them lob this language at one another, ask them to give it to you.
Uninterrupted time means that while one person is speaking, the other is listening. Seems pretty straightforward, right? They may have agreed not to interrupt, but face it: It's hard to sit and listen to someone say things you disagree with. Encourage your employees to honor the agreement, rather than calling them out. If you blurt out, "Don't interrupt!" you dismiss the fact that the topic is uncomfortable for the interrupter. You may have to be stern later if they continue to talk over one another, but the best first step is to ask them to jot down their thoughts for when it's their turn to speak.
Tip
Supply your participants with some notepaper and pens before you begin (see Chapter 6 for tips on setting up the meeting room). When the inevitable interruption comes, simply gesture to the paper as a reminder to make note of the interrupter's thoughts.
Up until now, you've been outlining ground rules and maybe sounding to your employees a little like Charlie Brown's teacher droning on and on. Trust me when I tell you that they may have been looking at you and nodding as if they were taking in every word you said, but in reality if asked to repeat your instructions, they'd probably reply with, "Well, you said something about being a facilitator and maybe something about not interrupting."
The reason your employees have only caught about every third word you said is that they're likely concentrating on what they're going to say, what they're going to keep to themselves, and how they're really going to let the other person have it when it's their turn to talk. From the moment the first person opens his mouth, your job is to move them from blaming to eventually creating solutions. Do this by listening to both parties, pulling out pertinent information, acknowledging emotions, and neutralizing statements.
Ask the parties which of them would like to speak first, and allow them to make that choice on their own. No matter how tempting it may be, don't make the decision for them. You can inadvertently set the expectation that when things become difficult you'll step in to solve the problem (both in this meeting and in the future!). Instead, be patient and allow them some time and space to work it out. If they still struggle, comment on the fact that there's no benefit to going first (or second, for that matter) and ask for a volunteer.
Warning
Although it's important for your parties to make the choice on their own, watch for power moves. An employee may bully his way into speaking first, or he could gallantly let his co-worker go first because he feels certain he'll be able to rip her perspective to shreds. A quick check with the other person ("Is that okay with you?") lets him know it really is a joint decision
After the first employee has had a chance to express his thoughts, take the time to summarize what you heard (see the upcoming section "Summarizing and Reflecting Back What You Hear" for details). Then turn your attention to the second party. Start by thanking the first party for his statement and the other party for waiting and being patient (even if she really hasn't shown a lot of patience!). Reaffirm that this is the second party's chance to share her thoughts, and then put some additional parameters around your expectations.
Tell the second party that although she may be tempted to respond to what the first speaker has just said, you want her to speak as if she's sharing first. This mindset gives her an opportunity to present her story in a fuller way.
After the second employee has shared her point of view and you've reflected back to her, turn your attention back to the first party and say, "Is there anything you'd like to add that hasn't already been discussed or a particular point you'd like to respond to?" It's my experience that any more than one response during opening statements just makes for a prolonged back-and-forth that looks more like a tennis match than a productive conversation.
Warning
You may find that your parties attempt to begin the negotiation process here by turning to one another and bypassing you as a facilitator. It's important to prevent this from happening because it can seriously derail the meeting, but bear in mind that this action is actually good news! It means that your parties are active and engaged and ready to get to work, so use their desire to talk to each other to your advantage. To guide the conversation back on track, say, "I can see that the two of you are anxious to get started. Let's complete this part of the process and then we'll move forward."
After the first party shares his perspective, briefly summarize what you've heard before moving to the other person. Likewise, after you listen to the second person, summarize before giving the first person a chance to speak again. Summarizing not only allows the speaker to know that you've heard and understood what he had to say, but it also gives the other employee the opportunity to hear the concerns from a new source (you) and with new ears.
Tip
Think of it this way: There's probably not much chance your employees are going to hear anything new if the same old script keeps running. But when you skillfully craft your response to the speaker in the form of reflecting and reframing the information, you create the opportunity for the other person to hear something in a new way. Imagine that they each hear your perspective not as a list of all the things that were "wrong" with the way they handled things, but rather as a conversation about what's important to the speaker.
In the following sections, I show you how to reflect emotions, reframe statements, and neutralize perspectives. Each of these skills on its own makes up only a small portion of the kind of feedback to provide participants at the end of their statements. The truth is, you need to combine all the elements together into one succinct, summarized package. You can use each of these skills independently, but it's better when you bring them all together.
Reflecting, reframing, and neutralizing take some practice. You may not be accustomed to speaking in such a way, and to be sure, the parties may not be accustomed to hearing it. Give yourself some leeway while you practice these skills. In the meeting, take some time and be reflective about how you'd like to say what you're thinking. Try not to worry so much about getting it exactly right. If you're pretty close, you'll see subtle clues and hints that your summaries resonate. I always know I'm on the right track when I see someone's eyes light up, nodding, or body language that goes from crossed arms to an open posture. And if you notice quizzical looks, furrowed brows, or a shaking head, feel free to ask for an opportunity to try it again.
Tip
Before you jump into a mediation meeting, spend some time listening to other people having conversations. Try to pick out the specific emotions and values that you hear when others speak. Practice listening for the core of the message. When you've begun to identify some of the emotions and values, the language you use to frame them will come fairly quickly and easily.
Warning
Be careful not to use the same language over and over again. You may become very comfortable framing responses in a certain way, but it can be distracting for the listener. For instance, you've probably heard someone start a reflecting statement with, "It sounds like you're feeling. . . ." In and of itself that's good language. But you start to sound artificial if each time you reflect emotion you begin with, "It sounds like you're feeling. . . ." People don't like to feel like they're being handled or processed.
Find different ways to frame your response, such as:
"It sounds like. . . ."
"I hear [blank] is important to you."
"You feel strongly about [blank]."
"When you said [blank], I understood. . . ."
"So for you it's important to. . . ."
Conflicts create strong feelings. It's important to recognize emotions and speak to them in others, so as the mediator of the conversation you need to spend some time understanding how to reflect another person's feelings.
Note
Reflecting isn't just repeating what you hear. It goes way beyond that by putting a voice to the emotions that you see or hear, and it creates an openness and curiosity about the emotions you may not observe.
To reflect effectively, start by identifying what you think the speaker's emotion may be. For example, imagine that you're mediating a conflict between Carol and Peter. In the midst of her opening statement, Carol says, "Peter never finishes any of the projects he starts, but he's always there to get the accolades when we finish."
What are Carol's emotions? How is she feeling? She certainly sounds pretty frustrated, annoyed, and maybe even a little disappointed. When you relay your understanding of her emotions back in a way that allows her to know she's been heard, you're halfway to understanding why this conflict has had such an impact on her. Here are some examples:
Statement: "I can't believe she botched another presentation!"
Reflected: "You're concerned that the presentations haven't gone well."
Statement: "She places way too much demand on us. We can't do it all!"
Reflected: "It's been difficult to accomplish all the assigned tasks."
Statement: "Our project was an utter failure. He really screwed it up."
Reflected: "You're disappointed at the way the project turned out."
Note
Notice that in the examples, nothing is intentionally said about what was supposedly wrong about the other person. The idea is simply to speak to what the speaker is feeling. It may be true that she's frustrated because of the other person, but the point of effective reflecting is to highlight the emotion itself.
You may have also noticed that in the reflection, the emotion is toned down just slightly from what the speaker describes. That's intentional, too. Your goal is to soften the language used to help reduce the emotion so the participants can create the kind of conversation that moves them forward. For example, if you hear "angry" and reflect instead "frustration," you're purposefully acknowledging emotion while calming the situation. Similarly, you may hear "crushed" and reflect instead "disappointment." Reflecting just below where you think the emotion may be goes a long way in softening the participant who's experiencing the emotion. You'll be pleased at how different (and positive) the reaction is from the parties when you reflect back emotions rather than regurgitating exactly what was said.
Conversely, if you hear an emotion and reflect it stronger, you run the risk of taking the speaker beyond that emotion. For instance, if you hear "anger" and reflect instead "rage," you may find the speaker using much stronger language and, in fact, becoming angrier than she was before!
Parties involved in mediations have a tendency to talk about the things they don't like or disapprove of in each other rather than what's personally important to them. Reframing is a way to capture what's important to the speaker while leaving out what's supposedly wrong with the other person.
Reframing is also a way of highlighting and drawing out interests or values, which is a tremendous asset to you as a facilitator. (Check out Chapter 2 for a definition and explanation of values.) Highlighting the values shifts the conversation away from negative descriptions and toward describing what's important to each party; and that allows your participants to talk about the same thing without requiring them to see it the same way.
For example, Jacob says, "Katherine is the real problem here. She has to create a timeline for everything! I have to juggle multiple projects, and I don't need her trying to make my work process fit into her little plan."
What is it that Jacob really wants? Look past what he says to what's underneath it all — what are his values? Perhaps what he's really after is the ability to work to his own schedule and at his own pace. You may reframe that as "autonomy," "independence," or "freedom."
Here are more examples of statements and their reframed summaries:
Statement: "He never shares any information. I don't understand why he can't just provide me with the numbers."
Reframed: "It's important for you to work cooperatively."
Statement: "She's so dismissive of everyone's proposals. She always says 'no' to everything and insults us when we come up with ideas."
Reframed: "You'd like to have a respectful talk about proposals."
Statement: "He has been late for every single meeting we've ever set up. Does the man not own a watch? How hard is it to show up on time?"
Reframed.: "Timeliness is important to you."
By reframing language to include the values you hear, you create the opportunity to discuss what each value means to the parties. Then they can begin to think about how they may be able to ask for the important things they've described rather than only asking for resolution to a surface issue. For example, asking someone to respect a need for autonomy is a much different request than asking her to quit checking the reports.
When summarizing statements and providing feedback, neutralize difficult language to take the sting out of words without taking away from the message. You can capture the spirit of a message without minimizing or downplaying the meaning.
Here are some examples of statements and their neutralized summaries:
Statement: "That meeting was a total catastrophe."
Neutralized: "The meeting didn't go as you had hoped."
Statement: "We got into a shouting match in front of the staff."
Neutralized: "There was a loud conversation that others observed."
Statement: "The project has hit a total dead end. It's done for."
Neutralized: "The project is facing some difficulties."
You may be wondering why I'm asking you to create an agenda midway through your meeting process. What gives? Well, an agenda in mediation is not a pre-generated list of topics that you use to guide the discussion. Nor is it a schedule of events and activities for your dialogue. Instead, it's a list of topics the employees want to talk about that they collaboratively create after hearing each other's perspective. By generating the list together, they're much more likely to see each topic as belonging to both of them rather than feeling that you're forcing topics on them.
Up to this point in the meeting process, there's been a lot of talk about what brings the parties to the table and maybe a little bit about what they're hoping to see from one another. Now the agenda creation is about clarifying and naming issues and creating a road map for the discussion that's to come. This is your opportunity to help put some structure to the conversation.
Start by standing up and moving to a whiteboard or easel. Tell the parties it's time to build a meeting agenda that will cover the topics and issues that are important to them. They talk; you write. (Manage what gets written down so you can ensure that inflammatory or hurtful language stays off the list.)
In the following sections, I show you how to take what might seem like a random stream of consciousness from the parties and turn it into an organized list. The agenda is your silent co-mediator and helps you keep the parties on track and further define issues, and it acts as a visual reminder of their progress.
Use the agenda to make an important point: It's time to move from the past to the future. Set the stage for the conversation to come by saying, "Thank you for sharing your perspectives. As we begin to build an agenda, keep in mind that you'll discuss each of these items thoroughly, but you'll do so with a focus on the future rather than rehashing the past." Your statement should focus the employees to move them away from where the problems have been and head toward where the solutions are.
As you begin to create the agenda, make sure the list is visible to both employees, meaning that one won't be able to look directly at it while the other has to crane his neck to see it. In effect, your employees should be facing almost the same direction, working side by side. Also, make sure both participants know that they can add to the list at any time and that it's flexible. It should be seen as a living document rather etched in stone.
Warning
Whatever you do, don't let go of the marker! Take responsibility for creating and editing the list so one of your employees doesn't hijack the process by erasing all your hard work or adding language that derails the conversation.
Let the parties know that it's not necessary for them to agree on the topics listed on the agenda. In other words, if one wants to have a conversation about a topic, it goes on the list as a potential topic for discussion. This point is important, because it creates ownership in the topics an employee suggests and in his co-worker's suggestions as well.
It's likely that the parties will see all the difficulties they're having as one big mess and lump everything into the same category on the agenda list. It's a lot like a big ball of holiday lights: It's hard to know how many and what color lights you have until you've pulled them apart, strand by strand. Unraveling the lights may take a little time and care, but it's worth it in the end. And conflict topics are no different.
Unravel complicated agenda suggestions by asking questions. Don't rush to write something down. Instead, take a few minutes to gently challenge your employees to give you more. For example, ask what someone means when he says that he wants to talk about "the problem." How would he break that down into a small handful of specific topics?
Your employees need to see the agenda list as belonging to both of them rather than see each topic as either "mine" or "not mine." So when possible, point out commonalities and reiterate that this is a collaborative agenda.
Note
Make sure all the topics you list are neutral and presented objectively. Creating neutral topics is an important part of generating buy-in to the process. But if you're relying on the parties to create the topics, how can you expect them to keep the list civil? The truth is, you may not be able to. What you can do, though, is reframe their language to make it more palatable.
For example, one of your participants says that she wants to talk about the fact that the staff meetings run way too long and end up in shouting matches. She wants to cut the meetings in half and has a pretty good plan to make it work. But the other participant quickly responds that, in fact, the meetings are a necessary way of exchanging ideas and information, and it would be good to extend the time to make sure everyone is on the same page about projects.
If you list the topic as "Cut staff meetings in half," you've essentially recorded a position (or solution), which is only one person's way of resolving the issue. And if you list "Extend staff meetings," you've done the same thing in reverse. So what's really the topic here? The staff meeting is what's important, so list that. How the participants feel and what they think about the meeting remains intact, and neither of them is alienated by the topic as it appears on the agenda.
Make sure the agenda includes all the issues. You don't want to finish the meeting only to realize a key issue has gone unnoticed and unaddressed. Ask both parties after the list is made if there's anything else they need to discuss in order to find a resolution.
If they feel the list is complete, let them know again that items can be added or erased if they change their minds. It's a flexible list that belongs to the participants. Tell them for now it's "a good place to start."
Although it's true that every facilitated conversation is different depending on the participants and their concerns, a few common themes tend to surface when dealing with work issues. Having some sample language at the ready helps you frame topics in an objective, constructive manner. I use the following agenda topics quite often:
Roles and responsibilities: This topic can describe a number of situations in which employees see their job responsibilities differently. Put this on the board if you need to discuss disagreements about job descriptions and areas of influence.
Respect: Another common theme in workplace scenarios is the hard-to-define yet all-important concept of what respect means to employees. Although each party is likely to describe it differently, they get an opportunity to speak about how they wish to be respected and what it means to show respect to others.
Communication: This agenda topic is a simple way to discuss differences in how employees speak to one another. Many workplace conflicts boil down to either a lack of communication or different approaches to communication.
Confidentiality: Confidentiality is huge in mediation, so even if your employees don't bring it up, you should. This is a great topic that covers other employees' interest or curiosity in what's happening in the meeting or when to share details about the conflict.
The agenda helps you structure brainstorming, aids in problem solving, and creates an organized way to kick off negotiations (check out Chapter 8 for a discussion of the negotiating process). Breaking the conflict into smaller pieces helps your employees feel the situation is little more manageable.
The agenda is a tool you'll use throughout the negotiation and agreement phases, and it will serve you best in these areas if you
Have the parties choose one item at a time to discuss.
Be thorough with each item and do your best to work through one topic completely before moving on to another.
Move on to another point if the two participants get stuck on something. You can always come back to the topic later.
Talk about each and every concern on the list.