In This Chapter
Getting employees to open up
Homing in on values
Brainstorming to generate ideas
Posing the right questions
Overcoming common conflict obstacles
Meeting confidentially
Negotiating any sort of resolution to conflict is tricky. It reminds me of the plate-spinning guy I used to watch on TV as a kid. Just when he thought he could move away from the first set of plates he had going and move down the line, he'd have to rush back and catch one of the first plates as it started to topple and threatened to fall.
The same can be true when you're helping employees through a mediated conversation. You may think that because they shared their perspectives about the impact of the problem a few times, you won't have to address the impact again. But not so fast! Get ready to twist, turn, and adapt to whatever your employees need to assess their unique situation while they shift into the negotiation phase of the meeting.
In this chapter, I give you the information you need to move your employees beyond a list of discussion topics onto collaboratively addressing the conflict and brainstorming possible solutions. (See Chapter 7 for information on starting a mediation meeting, getting employees to share their views, and building an effective agenda.) You also find tools to work through resistance so you can reposition your employees from a state of blaming one another to a problem solving mind-set, creatively enabling them to tackle future difficulties using a new skill set.
The part of a mediation meeting in which participants try to negotiate a solution is notoriously complex, largely because each and every conversation of this sort is different depending on the people involved, the issues tackled, and the conflict's intensity.
Up to this point, your meeting has been clear and sequential, with some identifiable benchmarks and goals. Now, however, you need to be flexible and adapt to wherever your employees take you while keeping in mind some overarching guidelines that focus and organize the conversation. Get the parties to talk, talk, and talk some more, but direct their conversation and guide them to stay positive, think creatively, and move beyond their immediate problems. Talking in circles never gets anyone anywhere. This section helps you steer the conversation in the right direction.
When asked earlier to share their point of view, your employees probably spent a lot of time talking about the past (see Chapter 7). That makes sense, after all, because the problems they've experienced have already happened. They likely focused their attention on each other's actions that caused harm. They may have even given you a litany of dates, times, and specific moments when the conflict escalated or became especially troublesome.
But now it's time for them to begin moving forward. Make a statement about moving out of the past and into the present so you can set the stage for dialogue about solutions rather than problems. If you encourage them to speak to what they'd like to see in the future, or how they believe the issues can be solved, they're much more likely to find solutions than dwell on past difficulties.
Tip
To get employees to talk about the future, use the agenda they created as a visual tool (see Chapter 7) by standing next to it or pointing to it. Then say something like, "Thank you for sharing your perspective on what's happened so far. What we're going to do now is take what we know about the past and apply it to the future. Looking at the list you've created, I'd like the two of you to choose a topic together and decide where you'd like to begin your conversation. Stay focused on what you'd like to see, and try not to rehash what's already taken place."
Tip
You can also give them a physical clue that it's time for something different. For example, I tell my clients, "So far, you've been talking to me about the past, and now I'd like the two of you to turn your chairs and face each other so you can speak directly to each other about the future. Where would you like to start?"
Face it — conversations about conflicts are hard work. Creating a dialogue in the midst of problems takes courage and energy, so validate and praise your employees for their efforts and find ways to acknowledge the good work they accomplish. In other words, encourage the behavior you want to see more than discourage the behavior you don't want to see.
Look for areas of common ground between your employees. Even if the two seem miles apart on everything, they still have one or two things in common — both are likely frustrated with the situation, and both are anxious to get some solutions on the table. You could note that each has a stake and a responsibility in creating a stable and comfortable workplace. And anytime that you detect values they have in common — like respect or autonomy — point them out. Allow them to talk about how they define those values differently and what actions need to be taken for those values to be fulfilled.
Note
Don't treat this conversation as some sort of disciplinary action. Instead, emphasize that this discussion is an opportunity to create what they want their ongoing relationship to look like. Encourage them to see the conversation as a turning point in their interaction with each other rather than as a trial for you to judge who makes the better case.
The negotiation process is about your employees working together to create their own answer to the conflict. If you consistently jump in with your insights and observations, you're apt to get in the way, so do more listening than speaking. And when you do interject, use the strategies I outline in the following sections.
The majority of the speaking you do should come in the form of good questions (refer to the "Asking Great Questions" section later in this chapter for more information). Focus on encouraging your employees to negotiate together rather than on drawing their attention to you. Think of yourself as a conversation starter, not an investigator.
Listen for any language that threatens to derail the process such as blaming, antagonizing, pushing hot buttons, or name-calling. Be aware, however, that because of the emotional state your employees are in, they may be more apt to misinterpret or misunderstand what the other person says. This is where your summarizing skills become so important (see Chapter 7). If you hear your employees struggling with language, summarize what you've heard with more neutral language and help them clarify their intent.
Warning
However, sometimes the words your employees use aren't simply misunderstood — they're clear and downright hostile! In this case, intervene by reflecting their emotions, reframing their language to focus on their interests, and neutralizing any hot-button language you hear (see Chapter 7 for more on reflecting, reframing, and neutralizing language). Remind the speaker that he made a commitment to follow the ground rules for this meeting, and warn him that he needs to manage the way he speaks about his emotions.
When you hear proposed solutions from either party (see the "Fostering Brainstorming" section later in this chapter), summarize the important points and frame them in language that's easy for the other party to digest. Ask the other party what she likes or doesn't like about the proposal, whether she accepts it as is, or if she'd like to make a counter proposal.
Tip
Make note of any possible proposals you hear that the employees may not be quite ready to offer. Doing so gives you a reference point down the road, when they begin to make a little more progress. I sometimes ask if I can jot down a word or two next to the agenda item the two are discussing as something they might discuss later in the meeting.
During the course of the meeting, you're likely to hear a lot from both people that describes how the conflict should be resolved. The language will likely come in the form of a position they've taken, also known as their issues.
It's important for you to hear and understand the issues, because they give you a sense of the nature of the conflict. However, it's more crucial to understand why those issues are of importance to your employees. As such, you need to focus more on discovering their values — the things that drive them to act the way they do and make the decisions they choose. (See Chapter 2 for an extensive list and information about how values surface in the workplace.)
The following sections help you drill beneath the surface of your employees' issues and draw out the values that are at the heart of their conflict.
Employees often come to a mediation meeting with a win-lose approach in mind, arguing about the merits of each other's position. By focusing the conversation on values, you can help them find common interests — or at least those that aren't in conflict — and develop a collaborative approach to negotiating.
Both your employees may feel, for instance, that they need to improve their communication, or that being a professional is important, even though they describe each of those values differently. At the very least, by encouraging them to concentrate on common values, you move them away from speaking about what they don't like and nudge them toward talking about what they would like.
Note
Understanding and validating your employees' values helps you identify and articulate appropriate responses to emotional outbursts. Acknowledging these values is the best intervention strategy in many conflict resolutions.
Uncovering values takes a little work. The key is to listen for what lies beneath the statements your employees make. Tune your ear to strip away the things you hear them saying, and listen instead for what drives their positions.
Take the following example. Imagine that you're meeting with two employees, Wendy and Allison. Wendy becomes emotional when the conversation turns to the difficulties the two experienced at the last staff meeting. She says, "Allison is late for every single meeting we schedule. Does she even own a clock? The rest of us are always forced to wait while she saunters in at her leisure!"
Clearly, Wendy is upset. Having to wait for others when you come to a meeting prepared can be frustrating. So you want to summarize that idea for Wendy: "It's important to you that schedules are respected, and timeliness is something you very much value."
Warning
Don't express what's wrong with Allison (she's always late; she doesn't respect others' time). Doing so doesn't add anything constructive to the conversation, and besides, Allison likely has a different point of view. In addition, you're liable to lose your neutrality and credibility!
Note
Responding to a person about what she values rather than adding to the criticism of what the other person has done wrong allows the second party to explain her view of the situation without becoming defensive. So in this example, stating Wendy's values back to her instead of knocking Allison for her tardiness leaves Allison with enough room in the conversation to describe her position. When you reframe and reflect a person's statement, you also model good communication for both people. To get more familiar with effective reframing and reflecting, check out Chapter 7.
After your employees have had a chance to vent some of their frustrations, and you've validated their emotions, summarized their concerns, and neutralized any tough language you heard, it's time to start turning your attention to problem solving. Do this by encouraging your employees to start brainstorming.
Good brainstorming draws on the best that each of the employees has to offer, but you need to do a significant amount of coaching during the brainstorming process. Motivate your employees to think creatively about problem solving, let them know that this is their process, and remind them that there's no one right way to solve difficulties. The following sections give you some brainstorming guidelines and help you evaluate the results of your efforts.
Encourage your employees to view brainstorming as an opportunity to create any kind of solutions they can imagine. Give them the freedom to suggest anything and you'll find that their ideas and proposals are as creative as they are effective.
Note
The best brainstorming occurs without limits to creativity but focuses on one area at a time. Suggest a few ground rules, such as:
Use the agenda: The agenda (see Chapter 7) isn't just for show. Ask them to choose a topic from the list and focus their conversation on that point until they're ready to move on. This technique helps prevent them from jumping around from topic to topic.
Remember that any idea is a good idea: Brainstorming is about articulating any and all possibilities before deciding on anything.
Follow time limits: Some of the best ideas come when people are pressed for time. I worked with a large group facilitator who would give groups five minutes to come up with ideas. If he gave them more time than that, the ideas that came in 20 minutes were no more creative than the ones that surfaced in the first few minutes. Keep the brainstorming short, and then spend quality time refining the ideas.
Say then weigh: Generate as many ideas as possible before weighing and evaluating a single one. Don't let the brainstorming process derail by getting bogged down in the details. I like to capture the first few ideas and then start saying "and" after every suggestion. Keep the ideas coming!
Tip
Create a parking lot: If one of the parties has an idea for a different agenda item, quickly jot it down next to that topic (I call that "parking it") until you're ready to move to that point. Similarly, if the employees think of something they need to check out or want to add another topic for discussion, into the parking lot it goes.
After the employees generate a number of ideas, start making some decisions. Help them establish evaluation criteria for their proposals, and determine how best to choose agreements that meet both of their needs. Such criteria are typically related to common values, or expectations and guidelines set forth by your workplace.
Tip
Ask questions that address the benefits and limitations of each proposed solution. Specifically:
What do each of you like about this proposal? What don't you like about it?
How might the idea be improved?
Does it meet the needs you both stated as being important? If not, what can be changed for it to do so?
Good questions are the primary tools of a skilled mediator. Throughout the negotiation part of the meeting and in any private meetings you have, good questions are an important way of encouraging your employees to find their own answers. Asking questions allows you to gather information, expand your employees' perspectives, generate options, and orient your process to the future. Additionally, good questions help you reinforce that this conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue (no lengthy speeches!).
The following sections cover the different types of questions you can ask, the order in which you should ask them, and the kinds of questions you should avoid.
Different types of questions accomplish different tasks. The trick is knowing which questions to ask and what kind of response each type generates.
Closed-ended questions require a specific and direct answer to a specific and direct question. The answer is often implied by the question itself. You may think of closed-ended questions as those that only elicit a yes or no answer. This is true to some extent, but they can be very useful when trying to help your employees sort through and narrow down a number of options.
Here's an example of a closed-ended question you would frame after hearing a few proposals: "If your options are to continue working on this program with William or begin a new program from scratch, which option best meets your needs and the needs of the company?"
Use these questions to clarify a situation with employees in order to develop a common understanding, or to call attention to a situation that you believe needs some action or further steps. For example: "Is this the kind of communication the two of you typically use together? Is it working for you? Would you be willing to try something different?"
Where closed-ended questions can give you specific information and can help narrow down choices, open-ended questions give so much more. These questions are designed to widen your discussion and invite your employees to participate in a dialogue. For example: "What possibilities do you see? What solutions can you imagine that would work for both of you?"
These questions don't presume any answers. They do, however, require more nuanced and thoughtful responses than just yes or no. In fact, they encourage the listener to look toward the future and consider potential solutions for the problem. They also open doors and expand the conversation in ways that you never expect, because they invite listeners to provide more information and expand their thoughts. For instance, "How is this impacting you? How could you get that information? What else might work?"
Note
These questions are short and sweet, but they leave open the possibility that your employees can take their thoughts almost anywhere, which is usually where you need them to go. Keep a couple of questions in your back pocket and come prepared to ask questions that give everyone a broader view of the situation.
People in conflict can have a hard time getting out of a circular conversation mode. If you watch two people having an argument, it often appears that each party is talking to a wall. In addition to their emotional attachment to issues, their problems stem from the fact that they can't stay focused on one thing before moving onto another.
Use your power as the facilitator to change the circular conversation by sequencing your questions. Each question you ask should follow from the answer to the previous question. For instance, if you discover that the conflict revolves around a disagreement at the last staff meeting, your next question should be about that specific encounter. You might say, "Let's talk about that meeting. What happened that was difficult? What would the two of you liked to have seen happen differently?" Help the parties fully explore the topics of discussion and truly flesh out the important ideas. Keep them on track and make sure they see you as being interested and invested in their discussion.
Warning
If your questions don't flow with the direction of the conversation, they can come off as jarring or abrupt, and your employees may lose momentum, or become confused about what you're asking. For example: "What happened at the meeting that was difficult? Do the two of you use e-mail or face-to-face discussions when you communicate? Who else do you think was affected by the argument?" These are all good questions, but if you put them one after another, you make it difficult to explore any one area of concern.
Note
Sequence questions follow thoughts in such a way that each one follows directly from the answer to the previous question. Here's an example:
You: What is most important for you to accomplish today?
Your employee: I just want to have a professional working relationship with Angela.
You: Tell me about that. What does a professional working relationship look like to you?
Your employee: I guess I just want the gossip to stop. I'm sick of listening to her talk about everyone else's business and creating drama.
You: You'd like to limit your conversations to work-related activities. How do you think the two of you can create that?
In addition to being sequenced, questions like these follow a subtle path by moving people from identifying values to describing and defining them to designing a path to achieve them. In this way, you can move employees who are stuck arguing about what has happened and who's at fault to working together to create a plan for the future.
Tip
You can word great sequenced questions any number of ways, but you should often follow a very basic pattern:
What is it that's most important to you? (Name values)
What does it look like? (Describe values)
How do you get there? (Brainstorm solutions)
Some questions can bring the meeting to a screeching halt, or at the very least, make it difficult for your employees to work constructively. Good questions expand, explore, and create, while unproductive questions tend to minimize, limit, and place blame. I recommend avoiding the following types of questions.
Simply put, leading questions are your answers with a question mark tacked on to the end for good measure. Often, people ask these questions with the best of intentions, trying to provide insight or options, but in actuality, leading questions limit the creativity and ability of your employees to come up with their own solutions. Some examples:
Have you ever considered getting some training in the new software?
Can you think of any reason why you wouldn't want to share resources with Bill?
Couldn't you come in at another time and take care of the paperwork then?
Assumptive questions assume that the answer to the question is obvious. In addition to being limiting and closed-ended, they tend to create negative reactions in listeners and usually shut down the conversation, rather than expanding it.
You realize your actions make you look really unprofessional, right?
Don't you want to have a successful career here?
Warning
Questions that begin with the word why rarely give you anything from the listener other than defensiveness. And with good reason! Essentially, you've asked the listener to defend the position he holds, or the actions he has taken, rather than discussing what's important to him about the positions and actions. Why questions don't allow for an answer that provides much of anything except for excuses and defensiveness, and they often elicit nothing more than an "I don't know" from the listener. Plus, they run the risk of making people feel like kindergarteners being scolded by the principal. For example:
Why did you write that e-mail to accounting?
Why didn't you call Christina to tell her about the change to the staff meeting?
Why did you think Reece would be okay with that?
Tip
With the right inquisitive tone, some why questions may be okay (especially in private meetings, like those I describe later in this chapter). But instead of fretting whether you've mastered the correct tone, you can simply use an imperative statement if you think finding out why an employee did what she did will help you understand her perspective: "Tell me about the e-mail to accounting."
Employees may be resistant to your mediation skills and strategies, regardless of how hard you work to keep an open, safe, and respectful environment.
The truth is, this is pretty normal. You'll likely experience resistance in a number of forms, and that's okay. In fact, to some extent, you should expect it.
No magic formula exists for moving through resistance. Every one of your employees is unique and carries his own experiences, personalities, and core values. And because each person comes to this conversation with different needs, each one will likely respond differently to different techniques.
Warning
Your goal is not to bully your employees into working through resistance. As satisfying as it may initially be to headbutt your way through an impasse, that approach rarely gives you anything but a migraine. You have a lot of power in your role, and if you use it to force your employees to find a solution, they may not arrive at an appropriate or sustainable answer.
In the following sections, I reveal some of the causes of resistance and give you strategies you can use to overcome it.
Before you address how (or even if) you want to work through resistance, have a sense of where it's coming from. Take a look at some of the common causes of resistance to discussions:
Strong emotion: The parties involved are either stuck in the past, reacting to each other's actions or language, or are unable to hear what each other is saying. Strong emotions tend to limit people's ability to think critically and can hamper progress.
Distrust: Your employees may not trust each other to keep the conversation civil and on track, or they may not trust your process. This can be because of their work history, their relationship, bad experiences, or even threats, both real and perceived. They may not trust you, either, as a neutral facilitator. Don't take it personally — do your best to prove them wrong.
Failure to communicate/listen: Lack of communication may happen because employees simply have different communication styles, or it may happen because they choose hostile or unproductive language. An employee may use specific body language to indicate that she can't (or won't) listen to what the other has to say, such as turning her back while the other is speaking, crossing her arms and refusing to make eye contact, or even putting her hands over her ears (yes, that has actually happened!).
Failure to see options: An employee may come to the meeting with only one idea in mind, and it usually involves never having to see or work with the other person again. Mediation meetings work best when a plethora of ideas are on the table; a narrow view of solutions certainly slows down the progress.
Overconfidence/moral high ground: If an employee believes, justly or not, that he's in the right and that he has been wronged, he may be overconfident in his position. He may think his position is stronger than it is, because others in the workplace may have sided with him. You'll often hear an employee in this state of mind say that he "just wants to do what's right for the company." Parties who take this stance are reluctant to negotiate because they believe their power comes from being justified in their position.
Negative association: Essentially, an employee may choose not to negotiate or accept offers simply because it's the other person who proposed the solution. A suggestion or offer that would be perfectly reasonable if proffered by anyone else is regarded as not good enough, based entirely on the messenger.
With all the things that can cause folks not to want to negotiate, you may be thinking, how on earth do people ever get past this part? It takes some work and some attention, but you can do a number of things when you reach an impasse. Read on for those ideas.
To help your employees see the conflict that brought them to the table with a new set of eyes, start by asking each of them to describe the stalemate. They may find that they're stuck for very different reasons, and they may discover some workarounds for the areas where they can find commonality.
You may want to ask them to describe each other's position or concerns, which helps them see beyond their own view. Do this carefully, however, as you don't want them to mischaracterize the other's position, or downplay the significance of the other's view.
If your employees are stuck repeatedly talking about the details of the problems they face, encourage them to focus on potential solutions instead. This seems like a no-brainer, doesn't it? But don't be surprised when the conversation turns into a rehashing of all the difficulties.
Help them brainstorm answers rather than dwell on problems. You can accomplish this by turning their attention away from the past and focusing instead on the future. Your questions should be future-focused, opening conversations around what could be rather than what has been. Ask things like:
If the issues were solved today and it's three weeks down the road, can you describe how you see the project being completed?
What new possibilities might come from working this out?
How would each of you like to see the schedule assigned for the next month?
Tip
Encourage both people to attempt a form of detached brainstorming. In other words, get them thinking about what others might do in a similar situation, rather than what they are doing. This kind of brainstorming isn't limited by what they think they know about each other, so it's easier for them to respond. I often ask the parties to share any ideas they'd give Joe in accounting if he were to describe this conflict to them. Or, when one says, "I don't know" in response to my questions about possible solutions, I ask, "Well, if you did know, what would you say?" Works like a charm.
Create clarity around the boundaries of the situation by asking the parties to give some thought to their other options. Ask if they've considered what happens next if they're unable to reach an agreement. Are they comfortable moving forward without a solution? Your questions should help your employees consider the impact and the implications of not moving forward. (For more tips on troubleshooting problem areas, see Chapter 9.) Similarly, encourage both to describe the best and worst solutions that could come out of their meeting. Perhaps they'll be able to find some daylight between the ideal and not-so-ideal agreements.
After they give descriptions of the best and worst outcomes, discuss what they see as the best and worst results of ending the meeting without agreements in place. If they're unable to come up with a solution during the meeting and they choose to walk away, what's next for them? You may know the answer to that question already, but ask it anyway.
Mediations rely heavily on dialogue that's centered on the employees' core values and the positions they've taken. Your employees have likely gotten off track, or maybe they're having a difficult time articulating the points that are so important to them. Help by really focusing the conversation on the critical elements.
Ask them to describe what values their proposals address. I like to ask questions such as
What does each of your proposals give you? How do they each meet your own needs? How do they meet the other person's needs?
How do your proposals satisfy the values that each of you has identified as important?
Tip
If you've gone through this exercise and still find that they're struggling, ask them to mentally step away from the negotiation and to describe the qualities of a good agreement instead. Whatever their answers, ask if any of the ideas they've thrown out so far match the good agreement criteria. If the answer is no, encourage them to create new proposals that include the qualities that each of them just described.
Don't be surprised if the parties have difficulty working within the boundaries of behavior you've set out for them (see Chapter 7). Meetings like these can create a lot of anxiety and tension, and in the face of difficult conflict, even the most levelheaded person can lose his cool. However, you don't want those moments to impede your discussion, so address them when you see them.
Tip
If someone is continually using language that isn't helpful, you can ask him to
Use different words
Reframe his statements in more neutral terms
Speak in "I-statements" (see Chapter 17)
Summarize in terms that the other person can more easily understand
Some topics and conversations cause physical reactions like clenched jaws and rolling eyes. If this happens, call it out when you see it. When it catches my attention, I sometimes say, "I notice that when John said xyz, you had a reaction. Tell me about that."
Note
Don't be afraid to address negative behavior. If it's affecting your conversation, it won't likely go away without assistance. And if you've noticed it, you can bet big money that the other party has noticed it as well.
Another option is to take a break and meet with each of your employees separately. Such a meeting may do a lot to break the negative behavior pattern, and it allows you to do some reality testing and proposal building without the influence of the other employee affecting the flow of your conversation. Check out the upcoming "Meeting Privately with Each Individual" section for the ins and outs of a successful confidential discussion.
A time may come when you realize that, no matter how hard you've tried, your employees are unable to resolve their problems with you as the facilitator. When this happens, your participants probably already know it and are prepared to move on to the next step, whatever that may be. But you may not be finished just yet. Many of the mediations I've conducted have found solutions and closure in the last few moments. Your employees may attempt to make a last-ditch effort to solve the problem if they know you've reached the end of your line. So as you're wrapping up, ask whether they have any last (or even best) offers before you end the discussion. This gives them an opportunity to share any last-minute goodies they may have been holding onto, and it can be exactly what you need to finally get the breakthrough you've been looking for.
Tip
If, after you ask for any additional thoughts or offers, you hear crickets or stone-cold silence, it's okay to adjourn, regroup, and try something else. Chapter 13 showcases a number of resources within your company to investigate, and Chapter 14 walks you through what you can expect from outside experts.
At some point in the mediation meeting, you may get the sense that one of the parties would like an opportunity to brainstorm with you without fear of reprisal. Or perhaps she needs to test some assumptions that she has been making. When I'm mediating, I often get a gut feeling about the elephant in the room, or that something isn't quite right about the story I'm hearing. Maybe the emotions that both employees have been expressing are threatening to overtake the process, or maybe the employees simply need a breather.
Whatever the case, a private meeting, or caucus, is an excellent opportunity for you to provide a different venue for participants to discuss the conflict on a different level. If you opt to call a caucus, you have some choices to make. You need to decide how to break, whom to meet with first, and what kind of approach to take in the private meeting. I cover all these topics in the following sections.
Note
Be sure your employees understand that they aren't in trouble and that you haven't given up on the conversation. Explain that you think this is a good opportunity to take a quick break and try something new. Framing this meeting as a positive step in your process helps you manage your employees' reactions.
No hard and fast rule exists about how to decide whom to meet with first. You know your employees, and you're the best person to make an assessment about what to do, but here are some determining factors that can help you:
Assess emotions: Is one of the people decidedly more emotional than the other? Or is one struggling more because of the emotional climate? Decide whether meeting with this person first is an opportunity to help her vent and process, or if letting her relax alone for a few minutes while you meet with the other person is the best use of time.
Assess power: For this conversation to be successful, you want power to be roughly in balance between your participants. An employee who says she doesn't care, is too overwhelmed to speak, or can't act in her own best interests may be telling you that she feels disempowered. Meeting first with an employee who feels powerless will probably be more effective than trying to squelch or minimize the other employee's power.
Assess behavior: Is one of your employees acting out of character? Do you see a typically soft-spoken employee becoming aggressive and demeaning, or an outspoken employee suddenly not making a peep? If so, it's a sign that something has changed, and you need to check it out.
Whomever you choose to meet with first, be sure to clarify to the other person that he'll have the same opportunity as the first person. Clarify, though, that equal opportunity doesn't necessarily mean equal time. Let both employees know that because you'll be meeting with both of them, going first doesn't really hold any benefit.
Tip
After you make your choice, give the employee that you aren't meeting with first something to do. Assign him a task related to the conversation. I typically ask him to make a note of the agenda items and to brainstorm at least two new options or offers that have yet to be discussed. He may come back in the room and say, "I've got nothing!" but this assignment works more times than not. He'll likely labor to create something that works for both parties and come back with great solutions, and he may take great pride in pointing out the benefits to the other person.
When you send one of your employees out of the room so you can continue your conversation with the other, make a quick statement clarifying that during this time, you're applying an additional layer of confidentiality.
What this means, essentially, is that anything she shares with you during this time, you won't bring up with the other employee in his private meeting or during an open session. That means you won't do so even if she asks you to. This is an important convention, because it
Requires employees to take ownership of any solutions they generate and reinforces your role as a facilitator, rather than an adjudicator.
Allows employees the freedom to create and explore without fear of reprisal from the other party.
Gives employees the opportunity to save face if they need to discuss items that are uncomfortable or potentially embarrassing.
Allows you to discuss topics in such a way that prepares the employee to handle how to share information with the other employee when both return to open session.
One of the most vital things you do during a private meeting is create a safe and open environment for your employee. You may likely see this as an opportunity to get down to the bottom of things, but you won't be able to accomplish that unless your employee trusts that this is a safe place to have that conversation.
Begin the conversation in the same way for each participant by asking, "How is this going for you?" Inquire about his experiences, thoughts, and ideas, and encourage him to share any of his reactions to the process. Don't spend any time trying to address specific conflict business yet, because he probably isn't ready to go there. Initially, spend some time reflecting emotions, validating concerns, and summarizing positions. For more information on these skills, refer to Chapter 7.
As your conversation develops, keep these concepts in mind:
Explore values: Identify and discuss the values that you've discussed in open session when you were all together. Ask him to describe not only his own values, but what he believes the other employee values as well (this is key for him to see the other person's point of view!). Ask him to explain how the values play out in the workplace and in his relationship with the other party. Doing this helps him generate proposals that are based in values, which are the most satisfying in the long run.
Identify common ground: Anytime you can encourage an employee to identify what he has in common with a co-worker, you're helping him create opportunities for solutions. Common ground bridges the gap between different experiences, perspectives, values, and ideas.
Ask about the other person: When you hear the employee make negative comments about the other person — and you will — ask questions that move him from thinking about his own perspective to that of the other person's. For example, if Roger says Jeanne owes him an apology, this is the perfect time to ask, "What do you think is preventing her from offering an apology? Is there anything you think she might need to hear from you in order to get that?"
Brainstorm options: Encourage him to think about creative solutions. You may go so far as to encourage him to create solutions that assume you have no limits. You'll be able to reality test later, but by giving him license to think outside the box, he may find solutions that he never imagined possible.
Develop proposals: Asking future-oriented and other brainstorming questions will help him develop potential offers and solutions. Especially when he seems stuck in what he doesn't like or want, encourage him to speak about what he'd like or want instead. Then you can help him turn his responses into proposals.
Conduct a reality test: After you have a few proposals developed, help him sort through and test each one for any potential problems. You may also need to reality test with employees who are unable to come up with solutions. By addressing what will happen if he leaves without a solution, you may help him find inspiration and language to create proposals.
Forming proposals privately is really only half the battle. Now your employee needs to ask his co-worker to accept the proposal, which may be difficult, considering that they've struggled with their communication in the past.
You can help him by letting him practice the proposal, with you acting as the co-worker. But instead of commenting on whether the proposal sounds good or bad, ask him some specific feedback questions:
How did that sound to you?
How do you think [the other employee] will respond to it?
If you were [the co-worker], how would you like to hear such a proposal offered?
Is there any other way that you think you could frame your idea?
Tip
Get a commitment from him that he will, in fact, make these proposals when both parties return to the open session with you. It does you no good to have spent the time in your private session if he has no intention of making the offer or asking for things he wants. Ask him if he's comfortable sharing his proposals, and if so, ask him to jot them down before he leaves the room.
Back in open session, it's not unusual for employees to forget what they wanted to say (and you can't help because you've promised confidentiality), so having it in front of them gives a visual cue and keeps the conversation going.