Balancing the roles of facilitator and participant
Mediating a conflict in which you're involved
Finding solutions and positive alternatives
Putting your words into action
You've likely let a lot of little things go between you and the person with whom you're having a conflict. If left unchecked, little things can amount to a bigger problem. A better strategy is to sit down, discuss the situation, and clear the air. But initiating a productive conversation about difficult topics takes courage. Though it may feel uncomfortable and risky to talk about the situation, you can use the tools in this chapter to keep yourself calm and focused and to keep the conversation productive.
Prior to sitting down with the other person, identify both of your needs using the tips and tools I lay out in Chapter 15. Refer to Chapter 16 for some details you need to consider when asking for a meeting, and, if necessary, tailor your approach to fit your audience by looking at how the organization chart may influence some of your decisions (see Chapter 18).
In this chapter, I walk you through how to mediate your own conflict, make your point, and consider the other person's perspective with an open mind. I give you tips on how to keep things on track while the two of you discuss the issues, and I also give you some ideas about what you can do next if you just can't seem to work it out.
You'll wear two hats in this meeting — that of mediator and that of contributor. Granted, you're not acting as an objective third party in this instance, but coming prepared with an understanding of the mediation process gives you an opportunity to step back a bit and make room for both perspectives while following a structured and proven method.
The following sections help you understand your two roles and give you an overview of how to adapt the mediation strategy to fit a one-on-one scenario.
Your task is complicated because you occupy two distinct roles at the same time, and one shouldn't overshadow the other. In mediation, all parties have the right to ask for what they want, and by keeping the focus of the meeting on both your needs, you reinforce that goal. In other words, by staying true to the role of the facilitator, you reinforce your role as a participant.
Facilitator: This chapter, along with the rest of the book, prepares you to bring a mediation skill set and process to the situation. Knowing this, your responsibility is to use the process for both your benefit and the other person's benefit, not just your own.
Participant: You have a right to speak your mind and ask that your needs be met, because this meeting is as much an opportunity for you to ask for what you want as it is for him. Use constructive language and make judicious use of the skills I present while striving for solutions that are meaningful and beneficial to you.
Note
Be aware that the very fact that you asked for this meeting holds a certain power. You took the first step. You extended the olive branch. You took proactive measures to make sure that the conflict doesn't get any worse. And most important, you are the one who's coming to the table with a specific skill set and process to maximize returns on the conversation. That carries with it a lot of weight and responsibility. Researching mediation skills means you're coming to this meeting to resolve the issue, not outsmart an opponent.
Use your own words and be yourself during the meeting to discuss the conflict between you and your colleague. Have a plan, though, or the meeting probably won't result in the outcome you had hoped for. You can use the mediation process I use, but keep in mind that when I use this process, I'm a neutral, objective mediator. You, on the other hand, are required to balance your needs with the needs of your co-worker.
Follow these steps for a productive conversation:
Sincerely greet the other person and briefly acknowledge the conflict and the impact it's had on you.
Explain that you'll be following a mediation process (because you think the method will help you both focus) but that you're just as much a participant as he is.
State your goal for a positive, respectful meeting, and that you both should consider this a time to confidentially present your views.
Ask the other person to share the events and the impact that the situation has had on him.
Reflect what you've heard, neutralize emotions, and spotlight values.
Share your perspective and ask your co-worker to reflect back to you what you've presented.
Build an agenda of topics for the ensuing conversation.
Collectively address any misunderstandings or assumptions.
Brainstorm solutions.
Filter through ideas to find those that best meet what's most important to both of you.
Finalize agreements, paying special attention to details and what to do if things don't work.
Share with others any details and results of your discussion only as necessary and appropriate.
The rest of the chapter covers these steps in more detail.
When I mediate I use a structured process (I outline the steps for you in the preceding section) and briefly share the structure with the participants. This part of the meeting is called an opening statement. You should make an opening statement, and like mine, it should take no more than a few minutes.
Because the start to your meeting is so important, use language that feels natural and comfortable in your opening statement. Both of you will likely be a little anxious and concerned about how the meeting will go. That's normal, and it's okay to acknowledge your nerves at the start of the conversation. Prepare yourself by thinking about what you want to say, how you want to say it, and how it applies to your particular situation. Include all the points I outline for you in this chapter. Just make sure that what you say doesn't come across as rehearsed or phony. Your words should be authentic and come from a genuine desire to resolve your difficulties.
Tip
Even as an experienced mediator, I always have a cheat sheet in front of me so I make sure to cover important points. Do the same so you have an opportunity to practice a little beforehand. Use the rest of this chapter as a guide to what to include on your cheat sheet.
Here's an example of what your opening statement may look like. Remember — this is only a sample, and you'll need to tweak it to fit your particular situation.
Reese, I want to thank you for being willing to take the time to sit down with me to talk about the challenges we've been having lately. This has been a tough couple of weeks for me, and I can imagine for you as well. I'm beginning to see and hear other people starting to talk about our conflict, and I think we have an opportunity to change that. So I'm grateful that we're taking this opportunity today. I've been thinking a lot about the situation, and I'm hopeful that we can put our heads together and have a respectful conversation so we can come up with some ideas on how we can solve things in a way that meets both of our needs. I think if we follow a structure, we should be able to get everything on the table and then work on how to solve our issues. I'd like to propose that we use the same process as mediators use — start by sharing our perspectives, listen to understand each other, and then build an agenda with the topics we'd like to cover, and then go into brainstorming. I also propose that our discussion be confidential and just between us. Does that sound like something that might work?
In the next section I give you more information about the elements of an opening statement so you can craft your own.
Set the right tone for the conversation to come. Consider adding a few words to your opening statement that capture some or all of the following ideas:
A sincere thank-you: This conversation may be a long time coming, or an uncomfortable one for both of you. A quick (but authentic) thank-you to the other person for being willing to sit down and talk goes a long way toward kicking off your meeting with the right kind of attitude.
A recognition that it has been difficult: Feel free to share that the conflict has been tough on you. Saying that you've had enough is in no way a sign of weakness. In fact, it may be exactly what the other person needs to hear so he can acknowledge that he's been struggling, too.
An awareness that others are watching: If you've seen this conflict radiating outwards, say so. It's important to speak to what you see, and if you know that camps are forming or morale is dipping, share that you want to see the problem resolved before it goes any further.
Warning
However, don't speak on behalf of others or attempt to interpret how the conflict is affecting them. Your colleague may disagree, so speak about this only in an objective manner:
"I notice that there are whispers about how the two of us are interacting, and it would benefit both of us to work this out." (Good!)
"The accounting department is having a hard time getting anything done, and they want this to stop." (Not so good!)
Your desire to resolve the situation: Let the other person know that you're committed to resolving the tension between you. Speak about how both of you will benefit from resolving your differences — you'll have less stress, you'll be more productive, and you'll have peace of mind.
A new approach: If you've tried to have this conversation before but the results have been unsatisfactory, share how this time will be different. What did (or didn't) you do last time that you won't (or will) do this time? Speak about the approach in a hopeful and positive way — a little optimism goes a long way.
When you mediate a conflict that you have a role in, you perform a number of steps in a certain order (see the earlier section "Adapting a mediation process for a one-on-one meeting"). At the start of your meeting, briefly go over what will happen when, sharing just enough about each step so your colleague isn't surprised when you call for a break or transition from one phase to another.
Note
You don't need to reveal specifically how each step contributes to your ability to bring parties to resolution in a neutral and transparent way. It's up to you how much of the process you want to share with the other party. But coming to the table and announcing, "So, I read this chapter in a book about conflict resolution at work, and I'm going to play mediator" may put off a co-worker who's already upset with you.
Conversely, your colleague may get frustrated if you following guidelines he isn't privy to — if he's trying to tell you something, for instance, and you tell him that it's not his turn to talk. A brief explanation that you'd like the two of you to follow a proven mediation method in which you take turns speaking, listen to understand each other, and brainstorm solutions that benefit you both is likely to be viewed positively by the other person.
After acknowledging the conflict, explain what you want to get out of the meeting, and what the other person can expect from you. Saying that this is a new and different approach isn't sufficient unless you describe how it will be different. Here are some talking points to cover:
Look for answers: Emphasize that this conversation isn't meant to be a gripe session or a chance for the two of you to hammer away at each other's flaws and prove who's right or wrong. Unite yourselves around idea generation instead of being chained together by negativity.
Be mindful of this opportunity: Speak about this conversation as an opportunity to build the kind of relationship the two of you want to have and to paint the kind of picture you want to see in the workplace. Suggest that you'll do this by focusing on the things you can change rather than those you can't.
Communicate respectfully: Because this meeting is a step toward changing how you work together, it's important that you speak in a manner that's respectful, professional, and appropriate — and that goes for both of you, of course.
After your opening statement, answer any questions and then shift the meeting to the step in the process in which you both have an opportunity to speak about what you've been experiencing, to hear what each other has to say, and to understand how each other sees the issues at hand. This step is a very busy point in the process, but an important one, to say the least.
So as you begin this sharing step, consider what you want to know and how you want to present your point of view. When speaking:
Describe specific actions, statements, and events.
Then describe how they affected you.
Then make any requests you'd like regarding future incidents, keeping your language focused on what you want rather than what you don't want.
At this point, don't spend too much time asking a lot of questions. When listening, make a mental note of, or jot down, any questions you'd like to ask in order to understand better. You'll have time to clarify and investigate later, when you get to the brainstorming part of the conversation, but here, all you want to do is be sure that each of you has heard and understood each other.
The following sections show you how to decide who gets to share his perspective first, how to listen for understanding, and how to explain your point of view constructively.
Although each of you will get an opportunity to speak and respond to each other, you have to start somewhere. Your specific situation will help determine who goes first.
If both of you are fully aware of the reasons that you're having this meeting, it can benefit you to offer the other person the opportunity to begin. Doing so demonstrates openness and a willingness to hear what he has to say, and it allows you the opportunity to demonstrate how to summarize and highlight what he values before sharing your own point of view. Often in mediations, when I reach the point in the process in which I reflect and reframe a party's perspective, I can actually see a physical transformation from "ready to fight" to "ready to listen." My hope for you is that you witness the same reaction as a testament to your ability to try something new.
Note
In a sense, you've already gone first. By setting up the meeting and creating an opening statement, you've already shared to some extent what you're hoping to accomplish and briefly touched on how the conflict has affected you. By giving the other person an opportunity to describe his own experience, you're modeling good behavior by sharing the spotlight with him.
Warning
Your invitation for the other person to speak first must be open and genuine, however, and not a challenge or a threat. Nothing shuts down a conversation faster than hearing a disingenuous offer to start the ball rolling. For instance, mull over the following possible invitations:
I'm going to let you start this off. I have my own ideas about this mess, but I'm sure you have your own take, too. So let's hear it — go.
Doesn't sound so good, right? Now try this on for size:
I'd like us to get started, and I'm curious to hear how you see the situation, and what you think we need to do to resolve it. I want you to know that I won't be interrupting you, because I'm interested in your perspective. And when you're done, I'd like to have the opportunity to summarize what I heard so that I can be sure that I have a good understanding of your point of view.
If the person is unaware of your reason for calling the meeting, asking him to start (even using the good example from above) may be unproductive. Also, if you have some insight or information that may be helpful to the exchange, offering to begin isn't a bad thing. Bear in mind, though, that rumors, conjecture, and assumptions are not insights or new information. Be sure that the information is pertinent and helpful to your conversation.
Another time when you may offer to begin the sharing phase is when you sense that the other person is resistant or hesitant, and you believe his attitude is related to distrust — either of you or of the mediation meeting in general. Choose appropriate and constructive language that demonstrates your sincerity in resolving the problem and shows that this meeting will be different from what has happened before. Such an offer may sound like this:
I'd like to take a moment, share my perspective, and tell you a little about how this situation has been affecting me. I want to stress, though, that you'll also have the same opportunity when I'm finished, because this conversation isn't just about me. I'm interested in hearing your thoughts as well, because I believe that if we each have better understanding, we'll reach a better solution.
As concerns about the conflict are shared, listen closely to how he describes the situation. How each of you interprets the events gives you insight into how the conflict developed, what's keeping it going, and what approaches you can collectively take that will lead you to solutions.
Note
Bear in mind that even though both of you likely experienced the same incidents, he'll probably describe the impact differently than you do. This isn't a time to question who's right and who's wrong, because both accounts are true. They're two different ways of viewing the same situation and are merely reflective of both of your experiences and perspectives. Keep in mind that you don't need to agree in order to understand.
Show the other person that you're listening by:
Presenting open body language. Create an inviting space by assuming a comfortable posture with your arms at your sides or rested on the table. Lean forward a little, but be careful not to invade his personal space.
Making and maintaining good eye contact. Connect by looking him in the eye as appropriate (no need to freak him out or stare him down, though!). Checking your e-mail or texting while he's talking may feel like constructive multi-tasking in the moment, but he'll certainly see such actions as a demonstration of your disinterest in his story. Put everything away and give him your full attention.
Positively reacting to his statements. A few well-placed nods and subtle verbal responses let him know you're hearing him.
Warning
Be careful not to react too much, though. You may hear some surprising things, but keep your poker face! A raised eyebrow, a rolled eye, or a dropped jaw can send a message that you think he's exaggerating, or that you believe he just doesn't know what he's talking about.
Waiting to correct or clarify. Honor his time to talk. As tempting as it may be to set the record straight or to speak up when you feel you're being mischaracterized, don't do it! Even briefly clearing up minor misunderstandings undermines the integrity of the process, so be patient.
Taking notes for the facts and more. Getting the facts straight is important, because missing a date, stating an incorrect dollar amount, or getting a name wrong may give the impression that you're not listening or that you're not as interested in his perspective as you say you are.
Tip
As you take notes, make sure you also capture his emotions about the conflict and the values buried beneath his remarks so when it's time for you to reflect, you can speak to those things. A statement such as, "You're always looking over my shoulder at everything I do!" can give you some insight that he's looking for autonomy or trust in his relationship with you because he values those things in general. Chapter 2 describes a number of common values and how to interpret remarks.
Looking for ways to neutralize strong language. As the other person speaks, he may come out with some pretty strong opinions about the situation and anything else he thinks makes sense to throw in. Try to respond by confirming how upset he is but by using language that doesn't inflame him. For example, if he states, "Joe and everybody around him are idiots," you could mentally craft a neutralized response such as, "You're concerned about Joe's ability to get the job done."
Note
Don't expect your colleague to know what he's looking for when he first begins to tell you his point of view. He may say that he wants x, y, or z. He may say that he sees the problem in the simplest of terms and can't understand why you don't see it that way as well. Just let him talk. The more he shares, the more information you'll have when it's time to respond and you can demonstrate then that you understand where he's coming from.
Before launching into a response to your colleague's initial remarks, take a moment and contemplate what to say and how to say it. You've been listening for the values and emotions that are important to him; now you want to reflect his emotions and reframe his statements into what he does want instead of what he doesn't want. Repeating "you want me to stop talking at staff meetings" gets the point across, but reframing the statement to "you'd like me to find a more effective way to communicate my ideas" gives the two of you something to work with when you get to the brainstorming phase. Plus, it frames the conflict as an opportunity to do something!
Note
You don't have to agree with the points you're summarizing — you just need to show that you understand what he said. Doing so may be more challenging when you're the subject of the conversation than when you're facilitating a discussion between other employees, like the process I outline in Chapters 6 through 9. Still, understanding the difference between reactive responses and meaningful summaries is the key to moving the conversation forward.
Note
For example, I was coaching two parties through a conversation when an employee informed his manager that he believed he played favorites when assigning shift assignments to the staff. The manager jumped in with:
I never play favorites, Chris! I work really hard to make sure that the shifts are assigned in a fully transparent and fair way! In fact, I've documented everything and I can even show you how fair I've been.
When you boil it down, this reactive response was a fancy way of saying, "Nu-huh." And all it did was set up the employee quite nicely to answer with his own eloquent response of, "Ya-huh." Not a very useful approach. And the harder one tried to prove his point, the harder the other worked to do the opposite. Imagine instead if the response had been:
Chris, it sounds as if you're concerned about the way in which the shifts are assigned. You want to make sure they're handed out in a way that's fair and equitable.
Can you imagine how Chris might have responded to this summary of his concern? He certainly couldn't say that his manager was arguing the point, or choosing not to see his perspective, which is how most conflict conversations end up going awry. Instead, the manager would have captured his interest and spoken to his concern without saying that he agreed or disagreed with him.
When you reflect and reframe a co-worker's point in neutral words, you reinforce that you're open and receptive, but you don't sell short your own take. This technique buys you a lot of credibility as the process continues.
Note
Reflecting, reframing, and neutralizing take some practice. Take your time, be mindful of what you'd like to say, and don't worry if it doesn't come out exactly right. You'll see subtle clues that what you're saying resonates with your colleague. You know you're on the right track if you see his eyes light up, if his body language goes from crossed arms to an open posture, or if he's actively nodding. And if you notice that he has a quizzical look or furrowed brow, or that he's shaking his head, feel free to ask for an opportunity to try it again.
When it comes time to chronicle your side of the story, speak in a way that's constructive and clear, modeling the kind of conversation you want to have.
If you have particular concerns, address them specifically. What was the event that you experienced, and how did it affect you? You can think of this in terms of the incident and the impact.
For instance, if you have a concern about an employee monopolizing the floor during staff meetings, you could say, "Don't monopolize the floor during staff meetings." But this example is non-specific, and it tends to place the other person on the defensive. He probably doesn't see his behavior as "monopolizing time," and he'll likely respond accordingly. Instead, present the incident and what its impact was, like this:
At our last meeting, many of the other employees were unable to share their concerns. (Incident) It's important to me that all employees have time to talk about their programs. (Impact) I'd like us to look for ways to give all staff members the opportunity to voice their opinions.
This example differs from the first one in that it doesn't label behavior (or people), and it addresses in objective terms what you see as concerns. Additionally, it sets up the opportunity for you to turn your concerns into a proposal that's open and constructive and that invites cooperation.
When sharing your perspective, only speak to your own experience. Keep your comments focused on how you perceived an event and how it affected you. Use "I" language to take the sting out of a tough message. Talking about hurt feelings is better when you deliver the information by saying, "I felt confused and hurt when my phone calls weren't returned," even though you may want to say, "What's up with not returning my phone calls?"
Warning
Simply starting a sentence with "I" doesn't ensure a positive reaction. If you say, "I'm not the only one who thinks you should return phone calls!" the opportunity to state your perspective in such a way that your co-worker can understand your point of view and not react with defensiveness is lost.
Similarly, using "we" language to strengthen your perspective is intimidating and can make the listener feel like co-workers are joining forces against him, causing him to become defensive or shut down. Avoid speaking on behalf of the group, even if you're in alignment with others.
Avoid using language that places blame, points fingers, or affixes labels to people, because such language raises defensiveness in the other person and derails the conversation. For instance, steer clear of these phrases:
You always
You never
You should
You didn't
Imagine if you're the recipient of one of those phrases, like getting into an argument about the cleanliness of your office space when a co-worker says, "You never take out the trash!" The sting is the accusation that "you never." Meanwhile, all you can do is think about every time you've lugged a heavy, smelly bag of trash out to the container on the curb during a downpour, getting drenched in the process. And as you start recalling all your heroic efforts, you're probably thinking about how "no one ever" appreciates all the hard work you do. Think that conversation is going to go anywhere productive?
After sharing your respective points of view, the two of you may feel that the perspectives couldn't be more opposite. Perhaps the talking has stopped, and all you hear are the crickets. That's okay. Try to keep the meeting going by
Describing the stalemate: Recap the positions in a way that shows you've heard the other person, and yet you still have hope you can come to an agreement. Say something like, "It appears we have very different perspectives. Your position is that you should take the lead on all the projects, and mine is that I should be the lead. Maybe we could each share why being the lead is important to us."
Looking for common ground: The two of you have at least one thing in common — you're experiencing a conflict. You probably both want to have it resolved, or you'd appreciate a little peace in the workplace. Say something to the effect of, "I can see right now that we have different points of view. Do you think there's any part of this we can agree on? Is it safe to assume that we probably share a desire to figure this out?"
Talking about the future: Just because you're stuck now doesn't mean you have to continue to be stuck. You could offer, "It looks like we have very different viewpoints on this. Maybe it would be more productive to talk about the future rather than what's happening now. How can we work together in a way that shines a positive light on us both?"
For more ideas on what to do if the conversation stalls, see the "Keeping the conversation on track" section later in this chapter.
After you've each told your side of the story, create an agenda for the rest of the meeting. You may be wondering why I'm asking you to create an agenda midway through the meeting. Well, an agenda in mediation is not a pre-generated list of issues, nor is it a schedule of events and activities for your dialogue. Instead, it's a list of topics the two of you want to talk about that you build together. By generating the list together, you're more likely to see each topic as belonging to both of you.
Use the agenda creation process to clarify and name issues. You can get formal and write them on a whiteboard or easel, or the two of you can create an informal document at the table. The agenda reminds you of the topics you want to discuss, and as you check items off the list, it becomes a visual indicator of your progress. For more information on building neutral, effective agendas, turn to Chapter 6.
You've shared your perspectives and built an agenda. Now it's time to start capitalizing on all your hard work by proposing solutions based on the values you've identified and what you've learned from each other. The following sections can help you arrive at a solution.
Tip
Spend a few minutes considering (and explaining) that mediating a conflict between the two of you is different from other negotiations. This part of the meeting isn't about making sure you both get two scoops of ice cream, or bartering for the best price at the local flea market. It's about both of you walking away having addressed the values that matter the most. Dividing something in half only works if you both feel you've won because you moved beyond the surface issues and understood what's really behind your conflict.
You may be really good at telling others what you don't like. But in telling your co-worker what you don't want, you haven't offered any alternatives. Alternatives help him understand what he could be doing. The foreman who tells a worker on a construction site, "Don't stand there," is letting the worker know that where he's standing isn't safe. But without further instruction, the laborer may just move to another spot that's just as dangerous.
The same is true in any work setting. Imagine telling a co-worker, "Stop being so negative, Bob! This project isn't getting any easier with all your doom and gloom. You're dragging us all down with you." The perceived problem is pretty clear, isn't it? But making a statement like this provides no framework for preferred behavior.
Imagine instead using the following language: "Bob, it's important to me that we all speak positively about this project. I recognize that the workload is a challenge, and I need us to stay focused to meet the deadline." This statement makes clear what you want without making a demand, challenging the other person, or putting him down. Instead of telling him to stop being negative, you've asked him to be positive and given him a concrete example of what you mean when you say "be positive." It's a subtle difference, but one that has a tremendous impact on conflict conversations.
Tip
Because your co-worker probably doesn't know how to frame his language to state clearly what he does want you to do, you'll have to do some of that for him until he catches on.
For instance, if you hear, "You always ask Darren for his opinions first!" don't jump in with a defensive response. Instead, try to help him by summarizing the intentions of his statement to include what you think he would like you to do: "You feel you have valuable contributions that you'd like to share, and you'd appreciate it if I asked for your opinions first."
You've effectively helped him craft a proposal out of what would otherwise be seen as an attack. And you can't do that if you're quick to react, become defensive, or try to prove that he's wrong. Patience and grace go a long way toward helping you get through this part of the meeting. If you feel you're backing down too much or giving in to his demands, think of the situation in terms of applying a strategy that in the end gets you both what you want.
Note
While you're speaking about alternatives, give a nod to the values that are inherent in both of your requests. This helps you identify what motivates each of you to find a solution to the problem. (For more on values, see Chapter 2.) For example, consider these contrasting statements:
"You're always late to meetings" versus "It's important to me that you arrive at our meetings on time because I want to make sure there's enough time for everyone to provide updates on their projects."
"You never bother to proofread your reports" versus "I need to make sure that your reports are accurate and error-free because I take a lot of pride in the team's reputation with other departments."
"Your workspace is a disaster!" versus "I'd like our workspace to be organized and tidy so I can find things quickly when asked."
You may already know what you'd like to see based on filling out the worksheet in Chapter 15, or you may need to tailor your request based on what you discover in this meeting. Either way, speak to what each of you wants in order to prevent confusion and increase the likelihood that you'll both follow through with requests.
Even in the most structured of conversations, sometimes things start to go haywire. Work through the tough spots first by using the agenda and choosing another item that may be easier to discuss. Then be sure to
Spotlight shared interests: Look for things that unite you. For instance, although you may not agree on the best way to build morale on a team, you both recognize that it's important to have a satisfied staff. When you can validate that you're operating with the same goals in mind, you may be able to find ways to meet those goals that satisfy both of you.
Underscore progress: Stay positive. It may be a challenge to look for the silver lining when the two of you seem to be at each other's throat, but remember that changing relationships and building trust takes time. Build on the small victories — they add up in the end.
Focus on what you can control: You can acknowledge if much of the conflict is out of your hands, but don't dwell on it. You won't be able to change some things, but you can change plenty of other things. Although you may not be able to control gossip in the workplace, for instance, you can certainly control whether you participate in it.
Get creative: Some of the best solutions come when you least expect it. Don't put any limits on your brainstorming or you'll focus all your energy on what won't work instead of what may work. Sometimes the wackiest ideas lead to the most effective outcomes.
Remain future-oriented: After you both share the events that led to the conflict, you gain very little by revisiting and staying invested in the past. Your answers and solutions will come from a more future-focused conversation about what's possible instead of what didn't work.
Warning
Allow for saving face: This conversation may create vulnerabilities in your co-worker; never take advantage of that fact. Don't hold him hostage to the process or use information he shares against him. Instead, allow him the opportunity to test and explore ideas in a safe place. You can point out inconsistencies you hear, but do so from a position of curiosity and inquiry rather than as a means to rub it in his face.
Take breaks: Exhaustion is the enemy of constructive dialogue. Take a few minutes to stretch and refocus. And, reaching a satisfying outcome may take multiple sessions, so allow some time between meetings to gather information, test proposals, or just to see how things go.
Look at the proposals you have on the table, and turn them into specific actions that will give you the best outcomes and will likely hold up over time. Consider asking some of the following questions as you both test the boundaries of the proposals:
Does this solution fully address the problem? Make sure that your agreement speaks to the root of the conflict. If it doesn't, you increase your chances of ending up right back in the same situation that led you to this meeting in the first place. (See Chapter 2 for more on satisfying values.)
Note
All the work you do to uncover values in the course of the conversation is for naught if your solutions don't meet those needs. Values should be your primary consideration when filtering through proposals.
Are these agreements realistic? It does you no good to craft an agreement that the two of you are happy with if it violates company policy, doesn't account for time restrictions, costs more money than is available, or (gasp!) is illegal. Be sure that agreements fit within the scope of reality.
Can we both support the decisions? In other words, is your agreement likely to hold up because both of you can get behind the outcome? If your decisions are imbalanced or unsatisfying, one party may end up feeling short-changed and abandoning the agreement.
Are our agreements specific? Make sure that both of you are clear about expectations and the terms of your agreements. You won't do yourselves any favors by ending your conversation with different interpretations of what you intend to do. That's just a new problem in the making.
Do our agreements have the potential to improve our working relationship? By having this conversation, you've been able to address and validate each other's emotions and values. If your agreements are designed with these things in mind, your relationship with your co-worker is much more likely to improve over the long term.
At the end of your discussion, summarize what you've accomplished and what you intend to do next. If you've reached agreements, be specific about follow-through. If you're at an impasse, consider what both of you can do before coming back together. Either way, end your meeting highlighting the progress the two of you made, and be open to continuing the dialogue if necessary. At a minimum, keep in mind that the fact that you both were willing to talk is progress. Good for you!
The following sections help you move beyond the conflict if you and your co-worker have reached a solution. If you're still at an impasse, the final section offers ideas for what to do next.
You may want to take a cue from many of the workplace agreements I've helped craft and include a statement about your collective intentions, followed by specific details, such as one of the following:
We agree that we want our communication to be respectful and courteous. (Details follow.)
Our goal is to leave the past behind and work together to create a positive work environment. (Details follow.)
Our desire is to create a safe and comfortable workplace. (Details follow.)
Note
Focusing on a goal (or intention) can change the way you interact. You may find as time goes by that the details of your agreement are unrealistic, yet both of you are still focused on resolving issues because you have a greater goal in mind and are therefore more apt to come together to work on answers.
Be specific about what actions are necessary to accomplish the goals you've set. Who will do what? By when? And for how long? Be sure to consider the following:
Third parties: Your solutions may involve other people. Take into consideration the time required for one or both of you to seek permissions or get buy-in from someone else. If that's the case, have a few alternatives at your disposal rather than relying on a single strategy. If your plan is completely dependent on whether Misha in accounting will allow expense reports to be turned in on the 15th rather than the 10th, you may run into trouble.
Possible conflicts: Pull out the calendar and look at a significant period of time to determine whether agreements about dates will work. If you agree to meet on the fourth Thursday of every month, what will you do on Thanksgiving? It's better to plan than find yourselves in another disagreement.
Vague language: Saying, "Oh, we know what that means" may work in the moment, but avoid unnecessary problems by explaining what each other means when you use phrases such as "when time allows" or "as soon as possible."
Attempts versus commitments: It can be beyond frustrating to hear from a colleague that he'll "try" to make it on time to meetings. Either he's committing to make it on time or he isn't. If he's concerned about traffic, or other projects getting in the way of the meetings, make sure that the agreement contains a contingency plan for such "what if" situations.
Written versus verbal agreements: Are your agreements straightforward enough to be remembered verbally? Or would it be helpful to jot down the details? My recommendation is to put it in writing as a way to memorialize the spirit and the details. The two of you may think you have an understanding at the time, but memories can (and often do) change over time. A simple e-mail that you write together and send to yourselves may suffice.
As hard as you try, you simply may not be able to reach any agreements. Perhaps it's because the dispute is so complex that keeping track of where you are is difficult. Or maybe you've recognized that the two of you are just so far apart in your positions and expectations that you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Whatever the cause, you can do some things to end on a constructive note:
Summarize where you are. Have a quick discussion about your attempt to resolve the situation. Acknowledge that you've hit a rough spot but that you need to discuss what your next steps are.
Agree to return to the conversation after a period of time. Though you may not have been successful in this conversation, don't close the door on the possibility of another. After some time has passed and each of you has had a chance to reconsider the situation, you may both find some benefit in returning to the discussion for another shot at it.
Bring in a professional. You may need some assistance in having this discussion. A neutral third party may be able to shed new light on the situation. For more information on bringing in a professional, see the options I discuss in Chapter 14.
Note
Whatever decisions you end up making about your future, be sure to take a moment and acknowledge each other's efforts. Maybe the two of you haven't seen eye to eye, but at the very least you can thank each other for devoting the time and energy to finding a solution. Doing so also sets the right tone for returning to the work environment while you begin looking forward to whatever next steps you decide to take.