Resolving issues with a person on your staff
Talking through a conflict with a peer
Approaching your boss with a concern
Finally resolving a conflict in which you're one of the players may be at the top of your to-do list, but having to actually sit down and address it is probably causing a certain amount of anxiety, especially if the person you're in conflict with is a peer on equal footing or an individual higher up than you on the corporate ladder.
After you decide to tackle a one-on-one conversation using the skills I lay out in Chapters 15 through 17, give some thought to how you'll tailor your approach based upon your audience. Before you jump in with both feet, you need to take into consideration who the other person is in the organization, what title she holds, and what power she has to affect your future. (Hint: Everyone has power!)
Who hasn't heard the nightmare story about an employee who treats his co-worker badly only to face her a few years down the road in an interview for his dream job at another company. Ouch! So take care to treat everyone with the same level of professionalism.
In this chapter, I cover the nuances you need to know so you can effectively conduct yourself in a conflict meeting when your role changes from that of manager to peer to subordinate. I discuss how to acknowledge hierarchies and still have productive conversations about conflict. I also break down the possible scenarios into altering your style when you have the power and when you may feel a colleague's title trumps yours.
You've probably seen the Hollywood images of the dastardly boss who relishes any chance to destroy his underling. That scene can make for good entertainment, but the truth of the matter is, confronting someone you supervise because the two of you are butting heads is never fun. Yet it's a necessary part of being a manager — and when the subordinate is causing more grief than good, you have no other choice.
If the employee you're approaching has admitted to a grievous action and you're bound by law or company policy to act according to the letter, then do that. But in other cases, you can turn the need for a disciplinary conversation into an opportunity for a new working relationship.
Punitive meetings are usually a monologue in which there's no room to negotiate — the boss talks and the employee listens. Facilitating your own conflict discussion should be a dialogue in which you and the employee both talk and listen to understand the issues and then work to bring about change — together. Being part of a productive dialogue gives your staff member the opportunity to rise to the occasion, maybe even beyond your expectations, instead of operating out of fear or anger.
Tip
Keep her focused on what you'd like her to do instead of allowing her to be interested only in what she needs to stop doing to get out of trouble.
To expand a corrective discussion from monologue to dialogue, try the following:
Have a discussion about how long the difficulty has been happening, and express your regret at not having contended with the issues earlier. This approach gives you the opportunity to demonstrate your desire for something different moving forward and sends the message that just because you didn't address the issue doesn't mean the actions or behaviors are okay with you. It also sets your expectations for what the two of you will do when other issues arise. I'm not suggesting you fall on your sword if you don't feel you've done anything wrong. Merely saying, "The strain between us has been evident for some time and I should have addressed it sooner" is enough.
Tell your employee that the meeting is a chance for the two of you to come to agreement without having to go through a formal process and without placing documents in his personnel file. Find language that allows for the spirit of the statement instead of sounding threatening or foreboding. For example, you may say, "I'd really like the two of us to figure this out without having to involve other departments or get formal with anything. I know we have it in us to come up with something that works for everyone."
Communicate that this is an opening for her to create something new and play a part in her own destiny. The employee doesn't get to call the shots, but you can open the window for her to undo some wrongs, fix sticky situations, and develop as an employee. In essence, if she has the opportunity for a do-over, is she going to take it or continue on the same path? Allow for a choice.
Though I've mediated cases in which managers and staff members have been at each other's throats over how to achieve sales goals, where patient records should be kept, or when to complete the walk-through with a new homeowner, most conflict conversations with subordinates are usually about interpersonal relationships, work styles, or behaviors. Here's a sampling of common points of contention:
Communication: An employee's perception of what information should be shared, and when, as well as the way she addresses you can get in the way of healthy supervisor/employee relationship. Tone and body language speak volumes!
Work habits: Being out of sync with a subordinate's daily work routine — and she with yours — can create a negative environment pretty quickly.
Treatment: Poor conduct in the workplace mimics life on the outside and runs the gamut from bullies to passive-aggressive manipulators. Just because you're the boss doesn't mean you're immune from becoming an employee's target.
Attitude: The way an employee approaches her work can sometimes be more important than how she performs it. And when she snarls, gripes, and blames you for everything that goes wrong, her attitude can be distracting at best and easily lead to damaging consequences.
Gossip: Your staff talks about you — you know that. But having an employee who spreads rumors, keeps the gossip mill running at full speed, and speaks on your behalf creates a difficult situation. You have to walk a fine line between giving her comments credence and allowing gossip to spread out of control.
Honesty: Realizing that there's a good chance that the conflict you're having with a subordinate boils down to honesty can be devastating and maybe even a little surreal. Addressing someone's truthfulness can be tricky, complex, and daunting. Giving her a chance to come clean is an important step in getting the relationship back on track.
Insubordination: Completing disregarding you as a manager, refusing to acknowledge the authority your title holds, or fighting you at every turn may feel like a personal attack — and be one of your greatest challenges as a boss.
When you're having a meeting about a conflict you're directly involved in, and that meeting is with one of your subordinates, you need to adapt your approach. Here's how:
Keep in mind that, even though the person you're addressing is below you on the organizational chart and you may not want to give her concerns credence, the two of you are in this conflict together. Only you, as a duo, can choose to resolve the conflict in a positive way — a way that reflects well in the eyes of other team members and upper management. It takes two to tango and two to untangle; you need each other.
Put yourself in your employee's shoes and think about how you'd want your boss to approach you about your communication style or your integrity. Especially if you were in conflict with your boss and had your own opinions about her ability to treat others well or her attitude toward staff. You'd probably want to speak in private, in a neutral place, with enough time to allow each of you an opportunity to share your concerns and desires about these touchy subjects. You'd probably also want her to have done a little contemplating before she even asked you for a meeting. You'd want her to consider the situation from your point of view, and figure out exactly what she wants so she doesn't "um" and "er" her way through the discussion. Then you'd want her to be prepared to propose solutions that meet both your needs, not just hers. In essence, you would want her to get familiar with Chapter 15 so she could be ready for a positive, productive meeting with you and listen to your side of the story.
Set a goal for the discussion that allows the employee to get back on track and motivated to reach team goals. Keep her focused on what's going well and what needs to be improved. Then be open to hearing what she has to say. If her ideas don't lead to the outcomes you want, you can always be more direct later in the conversation, but initially see if she has any ideas about resolving whatever problems the two of you are having. Let her be a part of the solution so she has more buy-in and follows through with whatever pledges you make to each other.
Think about your part in the trouble. Being at odds with a subordinate is frustrating. Oftentimes, putting the entire onus for the problem on the employee is easier than taking personal responsibility — especially if you're genuinely unaware of the negative impact that particular words or actions may have on him. Do a little self-assessment — check out the information in Chapter 4 about how managers can unknowingly contribute to a conflict.
Note
Being open to addressing your own behavior helps you create a management style that brings out the best in your employee, instead of resorting to playing the power card and insisting that she do everything your way "because you said so." Don't, however, own up to anything if you don't know what you're supposed to own up to.
Because you're the boss, you have to be a little more mindful of the environment you ask a subordinate into — especially given that the topic of conversation is about the conflict between the two of you. Work to put her at ease. Follow the general process for a one-on-one conflict meeting (refer to Chapters 15 through 17), and weave these suggestions in as you go:
Open the meeting by acknowledging the tension or difficulties between the two of you. She may be expecting you to say something akin to "You need to straighten up, buddy." If, instead, she hears you say, "Donna, the last few weeks haven't been easy for either of us and I'm sure it comes as no surprise that we're having some difficulties," she'll appreciate that you're setting the tone for a positive discussion.
Explain, if relevant, where your work responsibilities may be getting in the way of the relationship. For example, have you been too busy on a large project to really work with her on addressing smaller conflicts that have now escalated? Have outside factors distracted you from your usual management role?
Own up to your share of the frustrating dynamics in your work relationship. Perhaps you've played favorites or not given her the same respect you give her co-workers. Or perhaps you've been aware of the problems and let them grow while you considered your next move.
Commit to a new approach. Tell her you're willing to create a different working relationship that you'd like her to help build. Express what you'll be doing to change it from its current status.
Warning
Be open to her suggestions for a different relationship. This may be a tough spot in the conversation, but see it through. It's likely your employee sees you differently than you see yourself, so it may be difficult to listen as she ticks off your shortcomings. Resist being defensive and using your position to justify your actions. You may find a nugget of truth in what she's telling you that'll allow you to expand on some of your managerial strategies and help you build your career. Just because the information is coming from an underling doesn't mean it's of no value to you.
Apologize when and if necessary. I'm not suggesting you say you're sorry for something you didn't do, offer a blanket apology with no meaning, or think you have to apologize because it's part of the process I recommend. But if during your conversation your employee tells you that she feels personally slighted by your behaviors, a sincere apology starts to repair past misgivings and affirms your commitment to building trust. Just keep it simple without adding in complicated excuses. Include a description of what you're sorry for, an assurance that it won't happen again, and a request for an opportunity to make it up to the injured party.
Ask for the changes you'd like to see between the two of you. Clearly, honestly, and respectfully describe what you'd like to see from her that will change the relationship for the better. Phrase your requests with what you want her to do instead of what you want her to stop doing. For example, say, "I'd like you to return from lunch by 1:15 every day" instead of "Stop being late all the time."
Tip
If you think a conflict conversation with a subordinate may be especially difficult because of the nature of the tension or the fact that it's been going on for quite some time, prepare for the meeting by talking it through with a trusted source, such as a supportive supervisor or a Human Resources representative. Use brainstorming meetings not as a way to strengthen your position but as a way to prepare for the best possible outcome and plan how to track your success. Plus, if you discuss the situation confidentially with HR, you can ask about any boundary issues and get coaching on how to comply with company policies and employment laws. Chapter 13 covers common internal resources that can help you prepare for tough conversations.
Note
You're the one applying a mediation process to the conversation. Your subordinate may not have as much tact or skill when it's time for her to communicate her concerns. Help her by
Using the reflecting and reframing skills from Chapter 6 and modeling as best you can the way you'd like her to speak to you. In this conversation, lead by example and create a framework for future dialogue.
Reminding her of the meeting's goal. Do this by refocusing the conversation and her comments toward future actions that you both can control and build on versus staying stuck in the past.
Being mindful of your responses. How you respond to poor communication on her part can mean the difference between a successful outcome and a firestorm rolling down the hallway. Your ability to defuse aggressive approaches without aggravating the situation allows more information to be shared and will lead to better working agreements. Decide not to react defensively. Think about how she may represent the discussion to others, and create the opportunity for her to speak highly of you and the process.
A smart manager once told me that those with real power don't need to remind others. Because you're in a position of power over your employee, you have the muscle to intimidate, push, and demand that she do what you say. You also have the ability to frame your conversation as a productive learning experience for both of you.
Power starts with location. If you're sitting behind your big desk, which sits a good foot above the little chair you've placed her in, you're already setting the tone for a disciplinary meeting even before you utter a word. Your subordinate will appreciate your efforts to level the playing field a bit, so move to a table where the two of you can see eye to eye (literally and figuratively!) or sit on the couches at the café down the street. Create a comfortable environment for both yourself and your employee by applying the tips in Chapter 16. Taking responsibility for your actions or admitting that you were affected by her actions is easier in a comfortable, private setting in which phones aren't ringing and other staff aren't knocking on the door with "just a quick question."
Create the emotional space for your employee to be forthcoming about what she's willing to do to repair your relationship. A subordinate commonly acquiesces to her manager's position out of fear. Be sure she's not agreeing just to agree and get it over with. That sort of caving feels good in the moment but has the real probability of enraging you down the line when she doesn't follow through with something she agreed to do. Help her feel comfortable about sharing her point of view by letting her know that you're in this together (at least for now) and you're open to finding a long-term solution. Tell her that the best way to achieve that goal is for the two of you to put an equal amount of input, perspective, and ideas on the table. If appropriate, suggest that there will be no negative consequences when you both come clean about the situation.
Switch up how you think about power when it comes to subordinates. Start by erasing the idea that power is self-serving. Your power isn't only for your own betterment or just to prove that you're in charge. True, sometimes you have to exert strength in decision making or perform triage when emergencies arise. But applying your power to a conflict discussion with an employee by exhibiting a "just do it and shut up" stance may cause you to lose her respect and diminish your ability to influence her as time goes by (or when it really counts). Your power is expanded, not eroded, when you make room for her perspective. Using "my way or the highway" as your only approach focuses on the fight for power rather than the problem. Instead, open the floor to your employee and hear her out; it takes a certain level of command to step back and let an employee come up with answers.
It should come as no surprise to you that, when you call a meeting, your employee will experience some level of worry or stress because she's not sure what to expect, what topics will be covered, or what approach you'll take. And with all the preplanning and prepping you're doing, you're likely to feel a little nervous yourself!
Note
Your employee may be a little jumpy, her ability to process information may be slowed, and you can probably expect her to be overly defensive. Her emotions may even take over, which means her ability to reason will be low.
Tip
Try the following tips to keep you both cool, calm, and collected:
Slow down the conversation. Neither of you needs to get every detail of every event that has taken place between the two of you out in the first five minutes of the meeting. Let her know you have as much time as it takes.
Ask her to take a deep breath with you. Taking a moment to breathe and focus at any point in the conflict discussion — as many times as is needed — is a way for you to acknowledge the nerves in the room, and it allows you the chance to calm any anxiousness you may be experiencing yourself.
Ask questions to understand her point of view. If she doesn't seem to be making sense or is putting multiple thoughts together that appear unrelated, ask some open-ended questions so she has an opportunity to clarify her position. Help her focus on one thought at a time without making comments on her scattered approach.
Be aware of your own defensiveness. If your employee's voice is cracking and her hands are shaking to the point where she'd never pass the final exam with the bomb squad, and yet she's able to blurt out her dissatisfaction with the way you organize the schedule, now's not the best time to tell her you think she's dumber than a stump (actually, there's probably never a good time to tell her that!). Instead, go back to the tactic of asking open-ended questions to pinpoint what about the scheduling process doesn't work for her.
Use language to focus on the goal of the meeting. Reduce butterflies for your subordinate by being clear about what you want to accomplish and using we and us language to indicate you're in this together and she doesn't have to come up with all the answers.
Used correctly, word choices that denote collaboration are far more inviting and allow you to reach the same goal: to improve performance and outcomes. You'll still discuss what she needs to do to accomplish the goals, but the conversation can now be focused on future requirements that she can control. Here are a few examples to get you started:
Instead of stating, "I wanted to call this meeting so we can discuss how to improve your performance," say, "I'd like us to discuss what's happening with the project and share ideas for reaching the projected goals."
Instead of saying, "We need to talk about your attitude," say, "I've noticed some tension between us and I'd like to talk about how we can improve our working relationship."
There's a difference, though, between setting the stage that you're working on the conflict together and using we in the royal sense of the word, which is condescending. For example, you wouldn't want to say, "We seem nervous" when you really mean "You seem nervous."
On the surface, it may seem easy enough to treat an equal like an equal, but when you're angry or frustrated, not building armies or creating competitive situations around personal conflicts with another manager can be tough. For the good of your own career aspirations, resist the urge to one-up a peer or compete for the limelight; instead, work to keep a level playing field as much as possible.
How you approach a colleague about an ongoing conflict depends on a number of factors. Take into consideration how well you know her, how often you interact, and how important the working relationship is to you. Use the steps for a one-on-one conflict discussion I suggest in Chapters 15 through 17, and then adapt your conversation with the following information.
When you think about all the managers in your organization and what each of you brings to the table, a diverse set of talents and capabilities probably comes to mind. Companies benefit from having dissimilar managers who bring with them a multitude of work and life experiences, varying lengths of service, different educational backgrounds, and a variety of communication styles. Even establishments that are strictly regimented in the way they do business don't have cloned, robotic employees running each of their departments in the exact same way. So when you approach another colleague about a conflict the two of you share, first take into account how the top brass may value her unique skill set — even if her talent isn't quite evident in your eyes!
Consider that you may not truly understand what it takes for her to work with her unique staff and manage the intricacies of her programs, just as she most likely doesn't know what it takes to walk in your shoes. Focusing on your own team's goals and, in the process, inadvertently affecting another team is common. Give her a little latitude by going into a one-on-one conflict discussion with an open mind about her actions and the motivations behind them. She may be protecting her flock just as you're safeguarding yours. Respect her priorities, the pressures of her job, and any deadlines she may have looming, and carve out an adequate amount of time to address fully whatever problems you're having.
Note
Even though you're a manager, you're not her manager. Be mindful of the tone you take, and err on the side of using the same decorum you would use with a superior. If she's in management now, there's always the chance she'll one day manage you, so think beyond your current problems and consider who or where she'll be tomorrow.
Both you and your peer want to retain the respect of your respective staffs and the company at large, so meet in a private place, especially if your disagreements have been public up to this point. Even if you think she's 100 percent wrong, allowing for some dignity and the opportunity to save face demonstrates to the higher-ups that you're capable of having a focused, productive conversation without creating fallout that disrupts others. For general information about choosing a good location for a conflict conversation, see Chapter 16.
If you share the same grade level or sit on the same dotted line on the organizational chart but don't know the other manager well enough to talk with her on an ongoing basis, or if you merely think of her as someone you have to tolerate once or twice a year, you may choose not to bother approaching her with a formal mediation process over a minor disconnect. However, if the two of you getting along matters to those above you (and it probably does), take the time to resolve the conflict in order to eliminate the possibility of any negative talk about you to superiors. Keep your reputation intact.
If you know your peer well, the issues may be easy to address and the two of you can get back on track, keeping your professional relationship undamaged before anyone is the wiser. Having a discussion with someone you consider a friend may actually be tougher — but rest assured that addressing conflict and keeping friendships aren't mutually exclusive. The level of respect you're willing to give her, the amount of interest you show in her proposed solutions, and your combined abilities to tackle the problem without personally destroying each other will serve as an excellent example for your respective teams.
A good motivation for addressing difficulties with a peer is to consider who else is talking about your problems. Think about the effect this conflict can have on your career and your reputation, and work to resolve the issue as soon as you can. Don't let the rumor mill take on a life of its own. Gossiping and speculating about dueling managers can be great sport! If the conflict between you and your colleague is affecting even one person in the workplace, you run the risk of the impact being discussed not just horizontally but vertically as well.
You may need to consider if the topics at hand are ones your peer can even affect. If the two of you decide it's really out of your hands, at the very least express your interest in keeping — and growing — a working relationship with her. That way, when a problem arises that you do have some control over, you've set the groundwork to address it with each other without letting it escalate. Similarly, if she can control something and chooses not to (even after your openness to partner with her on solutions), you may need to change the way you interact with her instead of asking her to change her behavior. Your reputation will be better for it.
You may have heard the story about the employee who tells his buddies that he's going to discuss concerns about his boss with his boss. The colleagues respond by asking if his résumé is current and hope he has at least eight months of savings in the bank. In essence, they're saying, "Are you kidding? You can't talk to your manager about his performance issues — it's easier to quit than it is to have that kind of conversation!"
Warning
How you attempt to resolve a conflict with your manager may depend on both short-term and long-term goals, though I encourage you to think more long term than short. Even if you know in your heart of hearts you're just here for the short term, burning a bridge with your boss is never a good idea. Leaving with dignity and knowing that you gave it your best shot will keep you from being an outsider if you ever cross paths again.
I'm all for talking things out — I'm a mediator after all! I'm the first to suggest a meeting and ask clarifying questions, and I have no problem having a difficult conversation because my experience tells me it's worth it. However, I recognize that you may not yet have the same mindset, especially when it comes to having a tough conversation with your boss. You may want to know the hard and fast rules about when (or when not) to open yourself up to possible repercussions with someone who has the power to end your career with the organization.
The fact is, you know your situation better than I do, so you have to decide for yourself what you're willing to do. To help you weigh your options, though, I can give you some points to consider that I've gathered through various mediation cases.
A productive meeting with your boss can be a relief and can motivate you to be the best you can be. But if you're not sure you're ready to tackle a discussion about the conflict between the two of you, here are some motivations for a meeting you may want to consider:
You're determined to stay with the organization. If you want to establish yourself as an integral part of the management team, your boss can help you do that, so work with her, not against her. If you're so frustrated that you can't imagine respecting her anytime soon, try respecting the position instead.
One or both of you are relatively new to the position, and you got off to a bad start. Building trust and taking time to share and relate to a new boss while you work through minor conflicts is important. Set the stage for an ongoing relationship by asking her opinion, valuing her input, and offering your insights as well. Show her that you're capable of having honest and respectful conversations when needed. Going to a superior with a concern or complaint is much easier when you've already laid the groundwork.
You're concerned about your reputation. You may not continue your employment under this manager, but slinking away without making an effort to repair a damaged reputation may not be in your best interest. At the very least, try to clarify your actions and work to clear the air.
Values such as respect and dignity have been violated. If you're at a point in your life in which you'd like to get more out of your job than just the paycheck and want to focus on what you value — respect, trust, cooperation, and the like — having a conversation may be worth your time. Be genuine in your approach and provide specific examples of how her actions have affected you. Merely saying, "I value respect and I don't feel respected" may leave her a little bewildered and thinking you're just there to complain.
The situation is impossible to overlook and can no longer be ignored. If this conflict is negatively affecting your quality-of-life and has started to seriously impact personal relationships or is robbing you from sleep, and if you're willing to address it at any cost, then by all means go for it. However, don't ignore the process from Chapters 15 through 17 and make sure to be mindful of your approach, tone, and willingness to listen.
I almost always think it's a great idea to address conflict with anyone. Almost. I'm not saying to never have the conversation, but here are some examples of times when you may consider waiting to ask for a meeting to talk about your difficulties:
Tempers are ratcheted up. When emotions are high, reasoning is low. If you want the best possible outcome, consider your timing. Trying to paint your boss into a corner isn't a good idea — and doing it when steam is pouring out of her ears is a really bad idea.
All the relevant issues and players have yet to be revealed. If there's a chance the story is still unfolding, hold off a bit until you feel more comfortable with the facts and figures involved.
You're showboating. Be careful not to fight battles on behalf of others just for the sheer experience. Yes, you want to represent your team or your subordinates as best you can, but having co-workers put you up as the sacrificial lamb isn't in your best interest. Decide for yourself whether the conflict is really yours and if you would feel as compelled to take it on if no one else was urging you to do so.
The situation is in flux. If there's a chance your manager (or you) may be reorganized into a different department or is leaving the company, or if the very issue you're in conflict over may be solved without the two of you, hang tight for a while. Meanwhile, conduct yourself professionally and keep your reputation intact.
You want to deliver a diatribe and aren't ready to hear her out. Showing up to a meeting to discuss your problems with nothing more than a laminated list of complaints will only frustrate her, especially if you're complaining about things outside of her control. Even if she does have the power to change things and you rush in with directives about what she ought to do, you run the risk of her not being able to see any perspective but her own and, subsequently, asking you to move on. Consider a venting session with a trusted confidante instead.
You are not powerless — ever. You may not like some (or any) of your options, but you always have a choice, even with a superior. Here are just a few ways in which you have power in what may seem like an otherwise powerless situation:
You have the power to expand your boss's perspective. When you approach a conversation with your manager believing that you have some knowledge that's beneficial to resolving a conflict, you'll have a more productive discussion than you would if you went in asking what the heck your boss was thinking. Knowledge is power, and there's no way your manager can have a 360-degree view without you. She can benefit from your perspective, so at the very least you have the power to share what you know. And, at a minimum, what you know is how her actions, attitudes, or behaviors have affected you.
You have the power not to act like a victim. If you go into a discussion already defeated and acting the victim of your manager's power, you're essentially creating your own reality. Not acting the victim, though, doesn't mean being arrogant and disrespectful — it means giving some thought to the areas of the conflict you can control and working to improve them.
You have the power to tread lightly. Keep the raging to yourself and, instead, channel your energy and power into doing what's right for you. If after sincere attempts to resolve a conflict with your manager you conclude that the two of you just don't mesh, you may have to rethink the traditional concept of power (refer to the earlier section "Keeping your power in check" for some insight). If letting her think she has won or choosing to defer to her experience and decisions will calm things down, do so in a respectful way. Going over her head or behind her back, or attempting to sabotage her in any way, erodes your integrity. Use your power to control your attitude, your work product, and your destiny.
Like you, your boss is busy, so use the time you have with her wisely by following these tips:
Let her calendar trump yours, and ask for a block of time that will allow for an in-depth conversation with few distractions.
Have a specific goal in mind for the meeting. Do you want to address a particular incident, or are you more interested in speaking in general terms about your working relationship? Either way, come prepared with specific examples.
Write down and prioritize what you want your boss to know before you start the meeting. If you're especially anxious about the conversation, you could forget and miss a great opportunity to talk about what's most important to you.
For every complaint or issue you bring up, suggest at least three (yes, three) solutions. Coming in with nothing makes you sound like a whiner, coming in with only one solution may be misinterpreted as an all-or-nothing ultimatum, and having only two solutions doesn't show the range of your capabilities. Presenting three solutions opens the door for her to add more, and then the two of you can work together to refine the proposals.
Be the first to apologize if you've erred. Get your mistakes out in the open, on the table, and out of the way.
Strategically admit your limitations so she can no longer use them against you. If you're constantly defending yourself, you miss the opportunity to look at a behavior and choose whether to change it. You also miss the chance to build your résumé with educational opportunities.
Graciously accept any apology she makes, and don't hold her to an impossible standard. She may be above you in rank, but she's still human, and admitting mistakes is tough. Give her some credit if she's able to say she's sorry.