Figuring out how to approach someone
Dealing with resistance tactics
Considering time and place
The steps I lay out for you in Chapter 15 lead you to a decision about meeting with the person you're in conflict with. (If you haven't read Chapter 15, I suggest you do that now.) You've considered what's most important to you, thought about what may be most important to her, and maybe even asked for a little help to make sure you're looking at the situation with an objective eye. Now it's time to ask for the meeting.
This chapter helps you to do just what the title says; ask for a meeting to talk about the conflict you're having with a co-worker. I help you find the best approach, prepare your responses to resistance and potential rough patches, and then decide on the time and place for the meeting.
Everyone has a different level of comfort with conflict. Some people don't worry about it, and some people obsess over the smallest upset. Keep this in mind as you prepare to approach the person with whom you're having a conflict. Be aware of her stress level, as well as your own. (Chapter 15 can help you determine the underlying issue for both of you, and Chapter 2 tells you more about what kinds of things people bring to conflict.)
If previous attempts at resolution haven't gone well, realize that the other person may see you and want to run the other way. Just because you've decided you'd like to give it another try doesn't mean she'll immediately embrace the idea. Be mindful in the way you introduce the request for a meeting, it will be easier for her to say yes to you. And remember: Conflict can be a good thing! Do a little self-talk to ready yourself for a good approach, and use this opportunity to enact meaningful change.
Before you attempt to resolve your conflict, consider when and where to approach the other person. Start by deciding what day of the week or time of day will get you the most receptive response. Before your co-worker has had her morning coffee or right at the busiest point in her workday aren't good options. Look for a moment of relative quiet, when the two of you have the ability to focus on your conversation. For example, early afternoon after lunch gives her some time to have settled into her routine while leaving enough time in the day to give you a few minutes to talk.
Additionally, pay attention to where you both are in the emotional cycle. If either of you is likely to raise your voice, completely shut down, or walk away, then by all means let the situation settle down a bit before asking for a meeting. Don't assume that if you're calm, everyone else involved will be calm as well. The best time to talk about a conflict is when both parties have had time to compose themselves. (See Chapter 2 for an explanation about how high emotions make for low reasoning abilities.)
Next, where should you approach the person? Where would she be most comfortable? Consider your location and what resources are available to you. Approaching the person in the hallway in front of someone else and telling her, "It's about time we figured this mess out" will certainly get her attention, but it probably won't set the tone for a productive meeting. It may catch her off guard, embarrass her, or instantly make her defensive. Instead, choose a private location or politely approach her in her own workspace. (For more information about meeting in neutral locations, see Chapter 6.)
The best option is to make a meeting request in person, but if logistics aren't in your favor and you have to make the request via phone or e-mail, take care to choose your words carefully and speak in a sincere manner (see the later section "Selecting the best mode of communication").
When you address the person to set up a meeting, use language that's respectful, hopeful, and genuine. It's important that your invitation actually be inviting. To demonstrate your desire to sincerely resolve the difficulties, what you say should communicate the following:
Confidentiality: Communicate that this request and any subsequent conversations will be kept in confidence, just between the two of you. Of course, you should also be open to your co-worker's request that another person be made aware of a meeting.
Optimism: Show that you're hopeful that the two of you can find a solution. It does no good to ask for a meeting if even you don't believe it will solve anything. Keep your language future-focused and constructive.
Sincerity: Make sure the person knows that you genuinely want to hear what she has to say. You already know you'd like this meeting to be a fresh approach, but she may not. Use language that demonstrates your interest in hearing her perspective as well as sharing your own.
Safety: Don't try to intimidate or bully the person. You may have the ability (or the desire) to force your co-worker into this discussion, but trust me, hostility or pushiness works against you in the end. Addressing your desire to see the situation resolved in a way that's mutually satisfying shows your co-worker that you don't want to corner or trap her but rather you want to have a real dialogue.
Here's an example of an optimistic and inviting verbal meeting invitation: "I'd like to meet with you to talk about the challenge we're having and to find a way to resolve it that would work for both of us. I think if we work together, we can find a solution. Are you willing?"
It's hard for someone to blurt out that she's not willing (who wants to be accused of not being willing to have a chance to find a solution?). This approach, lets her know that you're thinking about all sides, not just your own.
Think about what mode of communication will garner the best response. Communicating in person, on the phone, or in writing are all options. What method do you use most often with the other person? Is that method effective for both of you? Is there a benefit in trying something new? What approach would make the person most comfortable? What are your strengths in each area?
Asking for a meeting in person is always your best chance for a positive response. Privately and politely letting the other person see the authenticity on your face, hear your friendly tone of voice, and witness your open body language speaks volumes about your sincere desire to work things out. It's difficult for a co-worker to rebuff your efforts at mending fences if you're on her turf and demonstrating how you'll behave in the discussion.
If you're not able to approach your co-worker in person, or if it would be unsettling for you to show up in a workspace you never visit, the telephone can be an effective tool for requesting a meeting. Before you dial, take a deep breath, make a few notes about what you'd like to say, and above all else, speak with a friendly and approachable tone of voice. Make an effort to speak with the other person directly; leaving a voice mail should be a last resort.
If you think you may stumble over your words in person or forget what it is you want to suggest, a well crafted e-mail could be in order. Or if geography is preventing you from making your request in person and it's impossible to get your co-worker on the phone, spend some time writing an invitation that discusses your awareness of the difficulty and your interest in hearing her perspective, and ask if she's willing to chat with you in person so the two of you can find a solution that works for both of you.
Note
If you choose to send a note, be careful not to write more than is necessary. Keep it simple and honest, and include your intentions for a positive, productive meeting. Allow the other person enough time to respond before taking further action.
Tip
It can be helpful to craft a document, set it aside for a while, and then review itbefore you send it. Upon review, you may notice something that the other party could misconstrue. You certainly don't want to make matters worse by writing anything that may be misunderstood. It's also really easy to misinterpret tone and intent in written documents, so have a trusted friend look the note over before you send it.
In a perfect world, asking someone to meet to discuss a conflict is met with an enthusiastic, "Sure, yes, you betcha!" every time. But because workplace difficulties are often fraught with conflicting emotions and deep issues, a request to talk is usually unsuccessful. Therefore, think ahead to how you'll respond if the other person uses one of a handful of common refusals.
In the following sections, I tell you about some of these typical forms of resistance and give you strategies to work through them. But first, here are a few general guidelines to keep in mind:
Be specific and upfront about your intent for the meeting when you approach the person, and then tailor your reaction to her resistance as a way to let her know you're sincere in your attempt to resolve the conflict.
Identify a neutral third party that both of you trust (someone the other person respects who'd be willing to observe the conversations and who wouldn't hinder the flow in any way). You don't have to talk to this third party right now; just be prepared to suggest the idea to the person if she says that she's uncomfortable meeting with you alone.
Try to build trust steadily with the person by having discussions on topics other than the conflict, especially subjects in which you have a common interest. A quick conversation in the hallway in which you ask about her weekend activities, or state your amazement at the last-minute three-pointer that won the game, or ask for her banana bread recipe is a great way for both of you to ease into bigger conversations.
Suggest a series of meetings as a means for the two of you to start building trust and to let her know that you're willing to try something completely new.
If a conflict has been going on for quite some time, or if there are a number of issues involved, she may feel overwhelmed at a request to solve all the problems in one sitting. It may be more palatable to approach the subject of your meeting as addressing one issue at a time. Give your co-worker the option to choose the topic of discussion for the first meeting, and she'll be more apt to agree to (maybe even suggest!) a second one.
Pushing back is the most aggressive of the reactions you may get from the other person. People who push back acknowledge the problem but often react defensively. They may see the responsibility for the problem falling predominantly on your shoulders, or they may throw out a variety of roadblocks or preconditions to a meeting.
Comments like the ones in this list are often indicators that you're dealing with push-back tactics:
You're the one who let this get out of hand; why should I help you fix it?
If we're going to meet, I think our direct supervisor should be there.
I don't want to meet with someone who's just going to yell at me.
I just don't want to. I don't have to tell you why.
You need to show some respect first.
If you have a problem with me, take it up with x.
I'm not meeting with you until you apologize.
We don't need to meet; it's not my problem.
You wanna talk? Okay, buster, you got it!
Be ready to let the person know that you understand how frustrating the situation has been for her. Try sharing some areas of common ground (work through the worksheet in Chapter 15 to help you discover these common ground points) such as, "It's clear we're both interested in the final outcome of the project, so I'd like us to find a way to work together that would work for both of us."
If she wants to escalate the conflict by bringing in a supervisor, the Human Resources department, or the union, show her that you see the benefits in trying to work it out on your own first. Provide examples such as:
Both of you having a stake in the process and ownership in the outcomes, as opposed to having a third party make a decision that perhaps neither of you will like.
The opportunity to build trust and a relationship that will see you through future disagreements so they don't turn into full-blown conflicts.
The chance to create a working relationship based on insight and understanding of the real issues and to grasp fully what each of you requires for a peaceful coexistence.
An opportunity to show others your problem-solving capabilities and to avoid negative documentation.
Finally, if she wants an apology for the incident in the staff meeting, address that issue: "You're right; we should talk about that incident." If she insists on an immediate apology, you need to consider whether you're willing to give one. If not, make it a point for discussion: "I'm not saying I won't apologize. What I'm saying is that I'd like to hear how the incident affected you, and I'd like an opportunity to share with you my thoughts on the incident before considering an apology. Are you willing to have that conversation with me?"
Some people may not admit that there's a problem. Either the conflict simply isn't a problem for them (they're fine with calling your ideas stupid in the middle of a staff meeting) or they're completely oblivious to what's happening around them. Or maybe they fit into the classic definition of denial — they don't want there to be a problem so they've convinced themselves that there isn't one.
Here are some examples of denial language:
I don't know what you're talking about.
Problem? What problem?
I don't even know what we'd talk about.
Your problem isn't with me; it's with someone else.
I know we had an issue in the past, but everything's okay now.
It may seem next to impossible to get someone to meet with you about a problem that she says doesn't exist. To combat denial, come prepared with responses to increase your odds of success. Gently point out inconsistencies — words versus actions. For instance, you can reply with, "I hear you saying that you don't think there's a problem, yet I've noticed that whenever I ask about the project, I see you roll your eyes. Help me understand." Replying in this way allows the person to respond to your observations and acknowledge that something may be going on.
Note
Be open to talking about anything, and be prepared to ask whether you can improve the situation by the two of you having a conversation.
You may also want to ask for the person's help as a means to keep the conversation going: "It sounds like you're hesitant to discuss xyz. Can you help me understand why?" Tell her that you're willing to listen to what she has to say, and describe the impact that the issue has had on you to see whether she's willing to provide some insight. A good response is, "I'm open to hearing your thoughts. Is there anything that you think would be beneficial for me to know? I'm willing to listen to whatever you have to say."
Some people are masters at avoiding difficult situations. They'll often freely admit that there's a problem, but doing nothing about it feels better to them than having a conversation about it. They may also hope that the problem goes away on its own or think that it's not serious enough to deal with.
When you ask the person to talk, you may hear her say:
Now's not a good time.
I'm just too busy.
Whatever you say — just tell me what you want [and then the person never follows through].
Yes, let's talk. Have your people call my people.
[Silence, crickets, dead air.]
I'd really rather not.
It's not a big deal; I'll get over it.
Note
The first step in a response strategy for avoiders is to create safety. Before you approach an avoider, have a plan that includes the possibility of adding a third party: "If you're uncomfortable meeting with me alone, would you like to bring someone else in to help us chat? I think maybe [name] is someone we both trust." This suggestion works well with peers but may be a little awkward if the other person is your boss or someone you manage. In those instances, the third party you suggest may be an ombudsman, someone in HR, an external consultant, or another employee who is your co-worker's equal (not yours).
Be flexible and focus on language that's open and inviting: "If now isn't a good time, I'll meet with you anytime, anywhere — you name the time and place." Concentrate on relationship-building and the employee's importance to the team: "It's important that we work well together and set a good example for the rest of the team." You can be honest about how the situation's affecting you: "Leaving this unsettled has left me feeling uncomfortable. I'd really like to resolve this so we can get back to working as a team. What would you need to make that happen?"
Acknowledge her excuse ("I understand that you're very busy"), find a benefit for her ("I think if we can work through this, it'll free up more of our time in the future"), and make sure she knows that she's being invited into a conversation, not ordered ("Are you willing to talk with me? Are you interested in resolving this?").
Some employees may have experienced disappointments that have led them to think there's no hope, the ship's sinking, and there's nothing but rough waters as far as they can see. Although you may come across folks who almost seem to thrive on conflict, at the other end of the spectrum are those who are nearly crippled by it and can't imagine ever finding a way out.
If you approach an employee who feels the situation is hopeless, you may hear:
What's the point? It isn't something we can resolve.
We've tried this before. You never listen.
Why bother? Nothing will change.
What's the use, it's not going to work.
What say do I have?
I don't trust you to have a different conversation than what we've already had.
How many times do we have to talk about this? I'm tired of rehashing.
These may be legitimate responses if this isn't the first time the two of you have tried to fix things. So acknowledge that and validate the response! Doing so demonstrates your willingness to see her perspective and empowers her to keep the conversation going.
If you've talked about your problems before and were unsuccessful, recognize where the missteps took place. Let the person know that you've given it a lot of thought, and point out a few areas you think could be different this time. Ask a lot of questions: "What would you need in order to feel as though a conversation about the issue might be a good use of our time?" "What would it take for you to feel I'm really listening to your perspective?" "How could we come up with some fresh ideas to approach this in a new way?"
Give the person hope and let her know that you're interested in change by saying, "I'm hoping we can have a new kind of conversation this time." Address additional concerns and confidentiality issues, and invite her to set the boundaries — time, place, length of meeting, topics to discuss, and potential participants — in hopes of making her more comfortable moving ahead with a meeting.
The devil is in the details when it comes to making sound agreements, and the same is true for choosing a time and place for a meeting. Spending time upfront to think through what will make both of you equally comfortable demonstrates your sincere desire to resolve this conflict.
Pick a time when both of you can focus on the conversation. Uninterrupted time is a key element to a successful conversation, so choosing to meet right before the staff meeting — when phones are ringing, last minute e-mails are coming in, and co-workers are knocking on the door — isn't the best move. Ten minutes isn't really enough time to discuss the issues and proposals for solutions, so schedule at least an hour, and make room in the calendar for the meeting to run over so that you don't end up cutting off the other person to get to your next appointment. Politely ask the other person to do the same.
Time of day may also bring food into the equation. Do you or the other person have problems with low blood sugar? Do you get really tired and lethargic late in the afternoon? Let her have a say in setting the time. You want her to know that working together is important to you, so use this as an example of your new perspective and get the meeting started on the right foot.
And while you're at it, give her the benefit of the doubt that she probably does want to meet with you — maybe just not right now. You don't know how much time she may need to prepare for a conversation, so be open to suggesting a compromise. You'll get better results if you can negotiate some middle ground between when you think the problem needs to be handled and when she may be willing to talk about it.
If you've calmed down and think you can handle the conversation, that's fine, but consider that the other person may not be emotionally ready. That doesn't mean you should let her off the hook and permit her to put the problem off indefinitely. You may have to press the matter later, but for now, be open to creating some space if needed.
Warning
People at the height of emotion have the lowest ability to reason. Let yourself and others calm down before attempting to work through a problem.
Think about where to meet before you ask for a conversation. Be prepared to suggest a meeting place that demonstrates you've thought about privacy, safety, and the impact on the team. Impartiality is important to many people, so plan to meet in a space that screams neutral. Take into consideration titles, power, and the desire for a balanced conversation (Chapter 18 tells you more about the importance of the organization chart when resolving conflict).
It's probably not a good idea to choose the glassed-in conference room that everyone refers to as the "fishbowl," or to choose your own office. More than likely, others know about the tension between the two of you, so pulling the other person into your office may make her feel as though she's being reprimanded in front of her peers, even if you have a positive conversation.
Approach the other person with a few options for locations in mind, but don't forget to ask her to provide input on a location that works for her. Asking her to suggest a setting shows that you're open to her opinions and that you won't be making all the decisions. Be prepared for her to suggest her own office or workspace. Consider whether you're comfortable meeting there, and have an alternative to suggest if you're not.
If you think it may be better to meet away from work, like at a coffee shop or restaurant, consider whether the two of you will want to discuss emotional issues or stay as long as you'd like at a restaurant. Will she feel comfortable with interruptions from wait staff and strangers? Will you be able to stay as long as you like at an eatery, or do you run the risk of being herded out in the middle of an important point? You may decide that meeting off-site to have a surface conversation is a good first step in developing rapport between the two of you, but it may not be the most productive environment for a difficult conversation. Also think about how the two of you will get to the location (awkward car ride?) and whether the trip back to the office will be emotional for either of you.
I find that a quiet, out-of-the-way conference room is a great place to set up camp and work through the issues. In large organizations with multiple buildings, you can arrange for a room in another location to ensure privacy. If you work at a location with just a few employees, or if the only conference room is also the communal lunch spot, consider asking for a private booth at a nearby restaurant and spend some time away from curious co-workers.