CHAPTER 9
Becoming Immune
to Intimidation
MUCH OF THIS BOOK is oriented toward working with people who are beyond their boiling point of frustration and helping them feel heard, understood, and negotiated with. But what about abusive customers who use intimidation as a finely honed weapon to get more than they deserve? For example, people who say things like, “Don’t you know who I am?” or, “I’ll talk to your boss if I don’t get what I want.”
In this chapter, we look at how to deal with toxic entitlement, wherein people cross the line from legitimate frustration to bullying and narcissism. In doing so, we explore the effective technique of non-reactivity—a combination of calmness and assertiveness—to maintain boundaries while taking away the emotional satisfaction from someone who tries to intimidate you. In addition, we touch on three important steps to achieving this: accepting a customer’s self-importance, using a tool called fogging to deflect the customer’s criticism, and underreacting to the customer’s threats.
Ultimately, it is not the other person’s words but your reactions to these words that determine the balance of power between you and an intimidator. This, in turn, governs the course and the outcome of these encounters. As with other difficult customer situations, you often have much more control over arrogant and entitled customers than you think.
Angry Customers vs. Toxic Entitlement
Take two difficult customers. Neither is happy. Both are loud, demanding, and rude. Both may be using similar threats, gestures, and foul language. Yet on the inside they are so distinct from each other that they could practically be from different species, and as a result, in order to effectively handle each of them you need to take different approaches.
What’s the difference between these two individuals? One of these customers is feeling a lot like you or I might when we are unhappy. She feels wronged—and worse, she feels ignored—so she is taking out her frustrations on you. Her approach may be uncomfortable to deal with, but it ultimately springs from authentic feelings.
The other customer is following a script that has served him well for much of his life. He learned at an early age that power and intimidation give him more of what he wants. Many of us would call this person a bully; in this chapter, I use a term that perhaps better describes his psychology: toxic entitlement.
Most of us feel that we are entitled to whatever we deserve. With toxic entitlement, people feel they are entitled to whatever they can win. Their personal belief system does not consider other people’s feelings, their agendas, or even what most people would consider to be fair and reasonable. Such customers are very different from garden-variety difficult customers. One is responding to authentic feelings; the other is gaming the system in a way that is comfortable and familiar for him.
Normal crisis communications skills do not work with these customers. They couldn’t care less whether you acknowledge them or offer them face-saving alternatives; they only care that they win. And if cranking up the heat helps them win more often, so be it.
This difference holds the key for how you tell these two types of customers apart. With typical angry customers, your efforts to hear them, see their agenda, or engage in problem solving usually have some impact on their anger level. Or you can clearly tie their reactions to the gravity of the situation: Something affects them a great deal, and they are reacting to this.
With toxic entitlement, by comparison, your best efforts are met with a wall of ice. For these customers, your willingness to help is just a sign that they can keep pushing you until they get what they want. When a customer clearly doesn’t care about anything but winning, regardless of the stakes, you need to adjust your communications strategy to match this situation.
Are Entitled Customers Worth Keeping?
Carol Roth, author of the bestselling book The Entrepreneur Equation, has a popular blog where she asks her readers to contribute their opinions on popular business issues. One month, she and I collaborated on a question specifically for this book: “How did you handle your worst customer and client situations?”
She received over fifty responses, largely from small-business owners and solo entrepreneurs, and there was a clear consensus for how best to handle difficult clients: Fire them! Here is a sample of what people had to say:
“Being in a bad relationship is not good for either party. Whether it’s poor communication, a lack of respect, or not living up to expectations—you don’t deserve to be treated poorly and neither do they. Talk about the issues; be accountable, fair, and ready to apologize and demand the same, but don’t be afraid to break up, no matter how big the contract.”—Stacy Robin, The Degania Group
“You have to know when to fire certain customers and move on. While dealing with worst-case-scenario customers, do the best you can to please them now and ensure that you don’t initiate future business with them. And, giving them chocolates will also help.”—Ryan Critchett, RMC TECH Mobile Repair
“We have a ‘Three strikes, you’re out’ policy that works really well. My staff and I do a terrific job for our clients. If someone is rude, unpleasant, or just an all-around bad egg, we figure once or twice may be a coincidence, but three times is a pattern.”—Jim Josselyn, Academy of Music and Drama
With the right communications techniques, it is often possible to turn around some of your most difficult customers. But when that fails, the consensus of many of the business owners surveyed here is clearly to let them go.
The Basics of Nonreactivity
Toxic entitlement springs from a fundamental difference between people. Most of us want to be reasonable and make other people happy. It bothers most of us when we cannot satisfy another person, and it really bothers us if we feel personally attacked or threatened. To entitled customers, these human traits are all weaknesses to be exploited.
This means that the core strategy we must use in dealing with toxic entitlement is what we will call nonreactivity—sending no signals to other people that their tactics are affecting us emotionally. This requires not showing any emotion. Aside from niceness being perceived as weakness, reactions indicating frustration or indignation can show we care in ways that work against us. Conversely, polite but cool detachment can form an effective barrier against toxic entitlement.
Here are three tools to use in being nonreactive:
Accept the Customer’s Self-Importance
An old joke describes a wealthy businessman demanding an upgrade to first class on a sold-out flight. When he thundered, “Don’t you know who I am?” the gate agent calmly got on the public address system and said, “We have a person in the terminal here who unfortunately does not know who he is. If anyone can help him, please come to the podium.”
All joking aside, my recommendation is to use exactly the opposite of this approach. When you accept and acknowledge someone’s importance, you neutralize it as a weapon. Compare these two exchanges:
Customer: I’m the president of a major bank, and I always insist on sitting at a window table.
You: Ma’am, we have lots of important people here, and you’re going to have to wait for the first available table like everyone else at this restaurant.
Customer: I’m the president of a major bank, and I always insist on sitting at a window table.
You: You certainly are a VIP customer. Let me see what we can do for you.
How is an entitled customer going to react to these two exchanges? In the first case, you have stirred him up to defend his honor, and he is very likely to fight back or even go over your head to a manager. In the second case, he knows you get his importance, which means that even if he cannot get a window table, he cannot effectively bring up his title again. Accepting even an inflated self-image, exactly as the other person sees it, is an important tool for keeping entitled customers on topic.
Use “Fogging”
Picture yourself surrounded by a thick fog. What happens if you get angry and throw things at it? Nothing—it just sits there. Eventually you get tired of challenging the fog and move on.
This principle forms the basis of a key assertiveness skill called fogging, first described in what many consider to be the granddaddy of self-help books, Dr. Manuel J. Smith’s When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. It involves responding to challenges by acknowledging their truth but without changing your boundaries.
Fogging is based on a truly liberating principle: You can acknowledge another person’s accusations without giving in to his demands. Entitled customers will often try to convince you that you are wrong, misinformed, inexperienced, or incompetent. Fogging neutralizes these tactics without escalating the situation or getting into fruitless arguments, because you have the right to see their point while adding nothing to their argument.
This approach sounds a little like the technique of leaning into criticism described in Chapter 2; however, there’s a subtle but important difference: The goal of leaning in is to mirror a customer’s concerns, while the goal of fogging is to politely but effectively say, “So what?” to verbal attacks. Here are some examples:
Customer: You must be pretty new here. Everyone else lets me come in without paying the cover charge. (Note: You know better.)
You: You’re right. Lots of people have been here longer than I have. Unfortunately, I still can’t let you in without paying tonight.
Customer: You’re really a control freak. I can’t believe you won’t let me exchange these items. (Note: They are nonrefundable, and you have no choice.)
You: That’s true. I am pretty careful about following store policy. My apologies that I can’t take these back.
Customer: You people are such incredible tightwads. I don’t understand why you can’t give me the Platinum package at the Bronze package price. (Note: The two packages are priced differently for a reason.)
You: Fair enough. We do try to keep a close eye on our costs. If you decide to go with us, I respect whichever package you decide to purchase.
Compare these responses with what would happen if you decided to fight back and defend yourself. First, entitled customers don’t care. You will never convince them you are right anyway. Second, once you get upset, you are walking into their trap: They realize that you react to their provocations and can therefore be manipulated. Fogging short-circuits this process in a way that gets you and the customer back on track.
Underreact to Threats
What happens when entitled customers’ arguments and criticisms don’t work? They often start threatening you to try to get their way. They may demand to talk to your boss, or threaten to complain to other people or say bad things about you on social media.
Whatever threats they make, there is only one way to respond: Acknowledge their choices. Hand them the ax, and tell them that you respect their right to swing it if they wish. By not reacting or compromising in response to their threats, you do two important and necessary things. First, you take away their leverage over you. Second, your confidence makes them feel that much more stupid for acting the way they are. Here are some sample exchanges:
Customer: I’m going to speak to your manager about this!
You: Of course. You’re most welcome to speak with her. Her name is Stacy Johnson, and she’s at extension 1234.
Customer: No one’s ever going to shop at your store again when I get through talking to people!
You: I’m hoping we can still find a way to make you happy, but I wouldn’t dream of telling you who to talk to or not talk to.
Customer: I’m going to post about this situation on Facebook!
You: If you do, please let us know. We’re always interested in honest feedback.
Remember that many more things are threatened than acted upon. For example, carrying out a threat to sue you would often require time and/or money on the part of the customer. But what if the customer backs up the bluster and carries out the threat? Respond appropriately and have faith in your chances of a fair outcome. For example, look at social media comments about other companies. When a company is disliked by consumers, negative comments can spark a feeding frenzy, but when the company is well-liked, other customers often spring to its defense. Public opinion is generally resilient enough to withstand the attacks of a single individual, especially when this person is a boor.
For all three of these techniques—accepting the customer’s self-importance, fogging, and underreacting to threats—what is most notable is what is missing: any kind of self-defense or emotion. Dealing with entitled customers is like dealing with any kind of bully: They love to see you cower, compromise, and give in, which for them is like a shark seeing blood in the water. It stirs them to close in for the kill. By contrast, the only way to make them go away is to stand up to them, and the best way to do that is to communicate assertively.
Putting Nonreactivity to Work
The steps outlined here are tools in your tool kit, to be used as needed in response to whatever an entitled customer might throw at you. Let’s look at an example of how each of these techniques comes into play with customers who simply want their way no matter what. Suppose a famous (but cheap) rock star who is used to getting VIP treatment without paying for it checks into the hotel you manage. Here is how the conversation might go:
Customer: Hi. The desk clerk just told me that I couldn’t get a complimentary upgrade to a suite tonight. Could you fix that?
You: That’s unfortunately right. I apologize for that. We’re totally sold out this evening. I’ll be glad to give you the nicest regular room we have available.
Customer: You don’t understand. I’m headlining a major concert in town tomorrow, and I have to have a suite for me and my entourage.
You: That certainly sounds important. Did you reserve a suite with us?
Customer: I shouldn’t have to. I’m a Double Priority Gold Premium member. And hotel managers are always glad to have a rock star like me staying at their hotel. It’s good publicity for them.
You: It is an honor having you stay with us. And I really feel bad that we don’t have a spare suite this evening.
Customer: Oh come on! Everyone else just bumps someone who hasn’t arrived yet and gives me the suite.
You: Of course you’re used to special treatment, especially when you are on tour. You’re probably playing in front of several thousand people tomorrow. I hope you respect that I treat every customer here like they’re special. Is there anything else we can do to make this a good night for you? Perhaps a great meal and drinks on the house?
Customer: This is totally outrageous! I’m going to talk to your boss about this!
You: You’re always welcome to talk with anyone at our hotel. Here’s a card with the contact information for my boss, the owner. I do apologize that we couldn’t make you happy tonight.
In this case, the hotel manager correctly picked up on signals that this was an entitled rather than an unhappy customer: trumpeting his importance, expecting rather than asking for the solution he wanted, showing no concern for others, and having a dismissive reaction to anything the manager offered. In response, the manager did everything right. She acknowledged his importance, used fogging to maintain her boundaries, and underreacted to his threats.
Will the customer leave this discussion satisfied? Probably not—and that is exactly the point. Your willingness to hear this customer while holding fast to your boundaries teaches him that he cannot successfully play your emotions.
Can Entitled Customers Change?
One closing point about toxic entitlement is that no person is a stereotype. It is easy to paint entitled customers as one-dimensional bad guys and gals—and many times, they certainly act in ways that are challenging. Indeed, some of them may not be worth keeping as customers.
At the same time, there is a deeper point in learning to deal with your most arrogant and demanding customers. When you stand up to them without criticizing or reacting emotionally to them, you build respect. More important, you are creating this respect in a way that treats them with dignity and does not belittle or challenge them.
If these customers still want the product or service you are selling, you can often forge a new kind of customer relationship based on this respect. In this sense, the right communications skills can help you mine profitable relationships with people many other companies would simply give up on or cave in to. Learn to stand up to your most challenging customers, and be willing to be surprised at the impact it could have on your business.
PUTTING LEARNING INTO PRACTICE
1. You run a small wholesale business, and a new customer is offering you a large contract, but he tells you your prices are ridiculous and insists on a 40 percent discount, similar to what he says everyone else would offer him. You still would like his business. What do you say in response?
2. You explain to a customer that she will need to pay for a repair, and she replies tartly, “I don’t usually deal with people at your level anyway.” What is your reply?
3. A diner expresses dissatisfaction with his meal and wants you to cancel the bill for his entire party of eight. He is threatening to contact a local food critic if you don’t. How do you respond to this?