CHAPTER 17

Anger Management

YOU ARE THE NEW PERSON at a busy private gym and weight-training facility. It is your first week on the job, and you and your coworker Frank are sitting around talking about some of the regular customers you will be dealing with. Before long, he brings up Bruno, a muscle-bound daily customer who intimidates everyone and “is always angry about something.” You smile and respond, “Like a barking dog?” “More like an ogre,” your partner replies with a laugh. “Big, intimidating, and turns several shades of green as you talk to him.”

About an hour later, with a line of customers at your counter, in walks Bruno—and sure enough, Frank was right. He isn’t very happy. In fact, his face is turning red as he raises his voice and pokes his finger on the counter for emphasis. “Look at these machines! The weights haven’t been put back in the rack, and half of them haven’t been wiped down by the last person. I demand that you drop everything right now and clean up the weight room.”

“Hey, my shift is over, so I’ll let you take Bruno this time,” Frank says, in a stage whisper, as he slips out the back of the room. Three people are in line ahead of Bruno. In this chapter, we focus on how to respond to someone with an anger-management problem.

Frame the Situation

Before you even open your mouth to respond to Bruno, let’s check in on your own feelings here. Do you feel frightened? Intimidated? Uncomfortable?

In this case, these very normal human emotions are all based on a mirage. Bruno is a big, muscular man with a booming voice. How do we process these physical cues? As though we were at risk of being physically assaulted. And Bruno, who is used to getting his way through intimidation, would love for you to keep perceiving the situation that way.

In reality, he is not going to hit you—unless, of course, he has a thing for jail cells, lawsuits, and getting permanently banned from his favorite gym. So first and foremost, remember that all you are dealing with here are words. Loud, angry words to be sure, but words nonetheless. He is no more of an actual threat to you than a little kid with a squeaky, high-pitched voice.

One of the other things you may be feeling is anger at Bruno, especially since he regularly uses intimidation as a way to get what he wants. You may be tempted to respond to him in a way that is designed to “put him in his place.” Of course, you have the right to set appropriate boundaries with him, but a stance of pushing back on him at first is likely to be doomed to failure.

So before you say anything to Bruno, frame the situation correctly. Tell yourself that you are perfectly safe, that he can express any feelings that he wishes to, and that whatever happens, you will respond to him professionally. Now, let’s look at how to do this.

Acknowledge Bruno

There is only one response that will give you any hope of getting Bruno to calm down: Acknowledge everything he says. Wherever possible, use the techniques of validation and identification discussed in Chapter 3 to respond to each of his outbursts. And do it with as much gusto as possible. For instance:

This first response is where human nature trips most of us up. Since Bruno is demanding our immediate attention and putting us on the defensive, our first instinct is to defend ourselves, or to set boundaries with him. Too often, we are tempted to respond with statements like these:

News flash: Bruno doesn’t care about the people in line. He doesn’t care how many weights are off the rack. He certainly does not approve of your lack of oversight. And his explosive temper may well come, in part, from learning that anger moves people off excuses and boundaries like these and gets him what he wants. So statements that sound even the least bit like these simply cause you to walk right into his trap.

Your only possible hope of calming him down is to meet him where he is. Here are some other examples:

Remember that acknowledging people is never the same as giving in to them. Use language that shows Bruno you understand him, and you have your best hope of getting him to back off and listen to you.

Frame Your Response

Here is the key moment of the discussion: Bruno is insisting that you drop everything, ignore the people in line ahead of him, and take care of him first. Do you give in to his demands?

No, you do not. That would not be fair to your other customers. More important, it would be enabling his penchant for bullying people. But the way you set your boundaries will mean everything to the success of this situation.

Let’s be honest. Most of us would normally respond to Bruno by trying to “correct” his behavior and focusing on our boundaries with language like this:

It is your perfect right to say this. It is technically the correct answer. And it is the policy that is most fair to everyone. So now, how likely is Bruno to respond by saying, “Golly, you are right. I will wait my turn.”? Not very. You must try another approach if you want to avoid a confrontation.

In Chapter 6, we discussed how to frame your response around the customer’s agenda, not your own. This is the key for how you respond to Bruno’s demands. Try this:

How will he respond to this? Hopefully more calmly, because you have played his agenda back to him and honored it, while keeping your boundaries. But a more subtle point here is that it doesn’t really matter how he responds. All that matters is what you say—and whatever his provocations might be, you can keep responding with the simple, mechanical technique of framing your response around his agenda:

Bruno is probably demanding two things here: getting what he is asking for, and respect for his concerns. By framing your response around these concerns, you give him something tangible in return for his complaint: the promise of a resolution. In the process, you also honor his second goal of being respected for how he feels.

Execute the Endgame

The language proposed here will probably give you your very best chance of making things go more constructively with Bruno. But he does have a pretty short fuse. What if what you say doesn’t work, and he keeps ranting?

Calmly repeat yourself. In Chapter 6 we discussed the power of repetition in convincing people that their anger won’t benefit them. Be prepared to go two or three rounds with Bruno, and after a while he should start to realize that he is only making himself look bad, rather than getting what he wants. And after the third time, extinguish the effect of his anger further by focusing on your other customers—perhaps politely holding up your index finger to remind him that his turn is over, and you are now focused on someone else.

At the end of the day, Bruno is only going to persist in behaviors that benefit him. He may be angry, but he probably isn’t stupid. And if you calmly stick to your communications process and execute it, even if he still is not happy, he will most likely decide his best interests are served by calming down and waiting.

What is the worst that can happen in this situation? Again, he is highly unlikely to act out violently. Of course, there are customers whose behavior crosses the line, and times when you need to go for your worst-case solutions: asking people to leave, calling for security, and so forth. But perhaps the key point here is that when you use the right language, the need for interventions like these is much less common than you might imagine. The odds are very good here that Bruno will eventually calm down, wait for you to finish, and then go back to his workout.

In Chapter 8, we looked at a more detailed approach for handling angry customers involving the use of the highest acknowledgment level possible, asking good questions, and then shifting the discussion to problem solving. A process like this would be appropriate once Bruno reaches the front of the line. In the meantime, the steps outlined here serve as a good approach for managing the situation until it is his turn to speak with you.

Relationship Building

One closing note. Remember how your coworker Frank described Bruno as a regular customer whose anger was well known? This raises what may be a deeper issue with your most difficult regular customers: How do they feel about you?

We all react differently to friends than to foes. If Bruno comes in, says little, works out, and leaves, you and your coworkers may seem like faceless robots he feels he can react to. But if you show an interest in Bruno—get to know him as a person, ask how he is doing, and champion his aspirations—you may start becoming real and human to him. This, in turn, is often the key to turning Bruno into a nicer person who is much easier to deal with.