CHAPTER 4
Avoiding Trigger
Phrases
HUMAN NATURE often does something amazing for us in our most difficult customer situations: It leads us to say exactly the wrong thing—particularly in a crisis.
This is a survival instinct that dates back to when we were cave people in prehistoric times. When someone challenges us, threatens us, or makes us uncomfortable, we push back. We tell people what we can’t, don’t, and won’t do. We lay the blame for the problem at the customers’ feet. Then we make the situation even more difficult for them (“Sorry, you’ll have to speak to a manager about that. And you’ll have to come back next Tuesday when the manager is here.”). And then customers react in ways that are not exactly pleasant.
Here is a simple example. Picture someone calling your electronics store. He is furious because the hard drive on his computer just crashed and he lost all of his files, as well as a document he was working on. He is blaming this on you and your business. And he is using some pretty choice words about it.
Now, be honest: At any point in this conversation, would you tell him that he should have backed up his data? If you even so much as hinted at this, then the verbal explosion that followed would not be just his fault. It would be yours too. If you look critically at many customer situations that go wrong, you will find a similar dynamic at work.
In this chapter, we look at how you can keep your words from steering a customer’s reactions completely off the rails. We look at several common phrases that people like you and I frequently use, why you should stop using them, and, more important, what to say instead. In the process, you will learn that one of the most important principles for handling difficult customer situations is knowing what not to say.
The Other Golden Rule
First, let’s start with a general principle for what not to say.
Most of us are familiar with the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you would want to be treated. It is a good rule as far as it goes. But I would like to introduce an even more important rule, especially for challenging customer situations. I call it the Other Golden Rule:
You can never successfully criticize anyone about anything. Ever.
You see, we often respond to difficult or angry customers by trying to hold them accountable for their behavior. We tell them what they should have done, or shouldn’t have done, or what our policy requires them to do first. And then we wonder why these customers get so upset.
Most of us already know this principle in our hearts. So why do we do it anyway? Because of our old friend human nature. When people are rude, arrogant, demanding, or threatening, one of the hardest things in the world to do is say things that benefit them—and it is oh so tempting to stick it to them.
Here is why I want you to resist that temptation: Criticizing someone is the verbal equivalent of steering an aircraft into a thunderstorm. You may get through the experience, but it will be a very bumpy ride.
Ironically, many people who do this feel they are following the first Golden Rule. They feel that they would deserve to be held accountable themselves in the same situation, so they treat customers that way. But no one ever likes being on the receiving end of it. It feels like buck-passing and high-handedness to both us and our customers. Especially your most difficult ones.
Trigger Phrases and How You Can Avoid Them
Now let’s look at some specific types of phrases that lead customers to feel criticized, unheard, or disrespected—and how to train yourself out of saying them.
Giving Orders
The simplest way to mess up is to order your customers around.
As a customer, I have one of the longest fuses of anyone I know. But one day I was standing in a chain sandwich shop, trying to get a better look at the menu on the wall, when one of the people behind the counter barked at me, “Stand over here to order, sir!” and pointed sharply to the other end of the counter. She did succeed in getting me to move: I walked out and never returned.
Perhaps you would never treat your customers like that. But before you dismiss a story like this as the act of an isolated nasty person, look at some other phrases that seemingly nice people use all the time with customers:
“You’ll have to . . .”
“You should have . . .”
“Did you . . . ?”
“I need these three forms signed.”
“Please go to the end of the line, sir.”
All of these statements have one thing in common: a distorted sense of who is serving whom. Yet most of us say them as naturally as we breathe. And then we wonder why a certain percentage of our customers act belligerent.
Of course, we all sometimes have to tell customers to do things. How do you keep this from sliding down the slippery slope into bossing them around? By choosing new words that speak to your customers’ interests. Especially your most annoying ones. Here are some examples:
Not so good: I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll just have to wait. You aren’t the only sick person in this emergency room.
Better: We know you aren’t feeling well, so we’ll get you in to see someone as soon as we possibly can. I am estimating about 20 minutes right now, but please feel free to keep checking in with me.
Not so good: You should have kept your receipt to get warranty coverage.
Better: Lots of people forget to keep their receipts. Let’s look at the options we have from here.
Not so good: I need these forms filled out.
Better: These forms give us permission to treat you, and also address your privacy. I’d be happy to answer any questions about them.
As a general rule, ask yourself how it will benefit a customer to do what you say, and then speak to those benefits whenever possible. (And try to avoid “negative benefits,” like, “If you don’t do this, something bad will happen.”) With practice, you will find that almost any situation can be addressed in a positive and a negative way. Choose the positive one whenever possible, and suddenly your customers will seem a lot more reasonable.
A Tale of Two Trees
There is only one thing worse than having a huge tree fall and hit your house: having a huge tree fall and miss your house. That’s because in the latter case, you have to pay to have the tree removed, instead of your insurance company. I know, because both of these situations have happened to my wife and me.
In each case, we called arborists who did a technically proficient job of removing the tree. But the first arborist spoke to us using phrases like these:
“You’re lucky that I was able to come over.”
“I’ve got a lot of other jobs from this storm, so you’ll have to wait at least three weeks.”
“I usually don’t do small homeowner jobs like this. Here’s what you will need to do when we come.”
Later, after the other tree fell in another storm, we called a second arborist. Here are some of the things he said to us:
“I’m glad you called me.”
“Even though I have lots of other jobs, I know you’d like to take care of this as soon as possible. Would it be OK if I planned to handle this sometime in the next three weeks?”
“Here’s what you can expect when our crew comes over.”
Notice that both people said almost exactly the same things, but the first one sounded entitled and arrogant, while the second one focused on us. He welcomed our business, proactively gave us information, and made us feel like we had choices, even when we didn’t really have much choice.
Over the years we have spent thousands of dollars more with the second arborist than the first, giving him our business for routine tree care. If you run a business, you can put a lot more money in your pocket by simply changing the language you use.
Catchphrases
Quick—what is the most common reply you hear when you tell someone, “I understand”?
When I ask audiences this question, they always respond in unison: “No, you don’t!” It almost seems a little unfair. Here you are trying to be sympathetic, and people are snapping back at you.
Here is the problem. You are using what is called a catchphrase. Through overuse, catchphrases can become dulled to the point that people react negatively to them.
Take the phrase “I understand.” People love to be understood. We almost never do enough to understand our customers. But when you use the catchphrase “I understand,” your words carry the weight of every bored, finger-tapping clerk who has said, “Yeah, yeah, I understand,” during that customer’s lifetime. And then you lose.
Here are some other common types of overused catchphrases:
“Don’t worry.” (If the customer didn’t have a reason to worry, the customer wouldn’t be bothering you.)
“Calm down.” (Do you like being told how to feel?)
“Never mind.” (Usually said in a tone of voice indicating you mind very much.)
“Who knows?” (The customer was hoping that you knew.)
“It’s OK.” (No it isn’t.)
Finally, there is a very special type of catchphrase: “I’m sorry.” Apologizing to people when necessary is very important. But the phrase “I’m sorry” is followed so frequently by the word “but” that people are practically expecting it. As a result, your well-intended apology often sounds forced and insincere.
There is an easy fix to using catchphrases: Choose different words. Any different words. As long as you don’t trigger the catchphrase reflex, you will be fine. Instead of “I understand,” tell customers that you can see how frustrated they are, or how much something inconveniences them. Instead of “I’m sorry,” apologize for what happened in detail. With any catchphrase, just say something different—even if you make it up on the spot—and your customers will feel much better.
Setup Phrases
Did you know that we sometimes try to deliver bad news to customers by making it even nastier?
For instance, you say to a customer, “I hate to tell you this. . . .” But by golly, there you are telling the customer anyway. Why did you say that? And what kind of reaction did you expect from it? (Hint: It is not usually a good one.)
This is an example of what we call a setup phrase. Setup phrases are usually said, without as much as a second thought, to prepare someone to receive bad news. Unfortunately, they never work. Examples of these phrases include:
“Let me be honest with you. . . .” (Is anyone stopping you?)
“I’m not sure what you were expecting.” (If you really aren’t sure, why aren’t you asking the customer?)
“I don’t know what to tell you here.” (Then quick, find someone who does!)
“What can I say?” (How about, “What can I do to help you?”)
“With all due respect . . .” (Usually said in a tone of voice conveying no respect whatsoever.)
Each of these phrases translates to a single, common meaning: “I do not respect what you want and have no interest whatsoever in helping you.” They are said in hopes of establishing that you are the one with the power and the customer is not. But customers who feel powerless erupt far more often than you would like.
By comparison, the right kind of introduction can make bad news much more palatable. We discuss how to do this in more detail in Chapter 5. In the meantime, banish setup phrases from your vocabulary, starting now. They will accomplish nothing you want and will put you at great risk of having your customers push back hard at you.
How to Tell Customers They Are
Stupid—Effectively!
What do you do when a customer is so wrong that you really feel you have to say something about it? There is actually a perfectly safe way to do this, with the help of a little behavioral psychology. I call it the “I” technique. When I teach this in live workshops, I often paraphrase it as, “How to tell people they are stupid, without ever using the word stupid in the sentence.”
You see, psychologists have long taught a principle known as modeling. It means that people do not learn most things from scratch. Instead, they learn by watching other people. Especially when those other people are messing up. So if you challenge customers, they almost always get defensive—but if you let them see someone else doing something stupid, they will learn from it. Especially if that someone else is you.
The “I” technique uses modeling to tell people what you have done in a way that helps them learn from your mistakes. For example, take the person at the beginning of the chapter whose hard drive crashed. Using the “I” technique, I might say, “I get really frustrated when I don’t back up my data, and I lose all my work, so I know how you feel.” The results are truly magical: People listen to me when I say things like this, and they never, ever get upset.
So what do you do when someone does something so incredibly, mind-numbingly stupid that you could never admit to doing it yourself? Simple. Just observe other people instead of yourself: “I’ve seen lots of people do things like that.” Either way, a little modeling can help you walk safely into any teachable moment.
One-Sided Explanations
Perhaps the worst kind of wrong thing to say comes when it’s all about you, and not at all about the customer.
Let’s take what is perhaps the most infuriating phrase in all of customer service: “Sorry, that’s our policy.” Did you give the customer a vote in creating this policy? Did the customer assist you in implementing it? Was it the customer’s idea? If the answer to these questions is “no,” then guess what: The customer does not care about your policy and may well tell you where you can stuff it.
The same thing is true about other statements that benefit only you and not the customer. For example:
“It is the end of my shift.”
“That would require us to do the job all over again.”
“We can’t do that.”
These statements may all be technically correct, but they are also infuriating because of what they imply: “We don’t care.” In each of these cases, a customer requested something, and you made it clear that your interests are everywhere but that request.
Does this mean that you cannot ever tell a customer “no”? Nope. What it does mean, however, is that you need to change your words to suit the interests of the customer. Instead of the phrases above, try these on for size:
“My partner will take over for you on this. Nice working with you!”
“We could fix this by doing the job over. Before we try that, I just want to explore a couple of less expensive options with you.”
“Here is what we can do.”
The general rule here is to answer the question, “What can you do to address the customer’s agenda?” And even if the answer is “not much,” use language that is sympathetic to the customer’s interests. Make that your policy, and you will have many fewer confrontations.
Less Is Often More
Nearly everyone who works with the public can share experiences with challenging or annoying customers. Almost none of them will ever tell you that they helped cause the problem. But rest assured, many customer reactions are triggered by things we say with the very best of intentions.
There is much more to your interactions than your words, of course. We have all had the experience of dealing with service employees who act bored, won’t take action, or speak to us in a tone of voice that could curdle milk. But more often than not, the situations that upset us the most as customers ourselves happen when someone speaks to us with the voice of a boss, a parent, or a critical teacher, and not as an ally.
Here is a simple test: If customers often become angrier when you talk to them, instead of less angry, there is a good chance your own language could use a checkup. Write down the things you normally say to customers, check them against the list of common trigger phrases in this chapter, and see what you can start cutting out of your script. When it comes to your own very worst customer service situations, you will find that what you stop saying is often as important as what you do say.
PUTTING LEARNING INTO PRACTICE
1. A customer’s child is running amok in your store, pulling merchandise off the shelves and throwing it around. What do you say to the parent?
2. A customer finally gets to the front of a line, but it turns out to be the wrong one. Now you have to tell him that he must wait in yet another long line. What can you say that won’t make this person angry?
3. A customer is angrily complaining that his new digital camera doesn’t work. As he demonstrates the problem, it is clear that he is pressing the wrong button to try to turn it on. What do you first say to him?
4. A woman is talking loudly on her cell phone in the dining room of the golf club where you work. This is against the rules of the club, and other people are complaining. How can you “educate” this person without being insulting?