Chapter 4

Managing Your Thoughts Mindfully

This chapter describes how to manage your thoughts mindfully. Mindfulness isn't about trying to stop unhelpful thoughts or suppress them so that you have a clear mind (to discover more misunderstandings about mindfulness, saunter to Chapter 3). Having a clear mind is impossible and because the mind is always active, trying to empty it can be highly frustrating. In contrast, mindfulness and mindfulness meditation show you how to accept any thoughts that arise and how to let go of identifying with them.

In this chapter, I describe how to manage your thoughts in different ways. You find out how to stop self-identifying with them and how to step back from them. You discover that different attitudes toward your thoughts can take away their control. I also introduce some mindful metaphors to help you detach yourself from your thoughts (which, remember, aren't necessarily facts) and instead simply notice them pass by.

Accepting That Thoughts Impact Your Mind and Body

Thoughts can have an impact on your mind and body, particularly if a pattern of anxious thoughts keeps ruminating around in your head. The human brain naturally leans toward the negative (as I describe in Chapter 1), and so thoughts can then repeat themselves continuously.

Imagine a record player with a stuck record. Thoughts can repeat in much the same way (imagine The Birdie Song (the Chicken Dance) going round and round forever – torture!).

Letting up on your mind

Anxious thoughts narrow your focus. Instead of having a wider perspective on things, you start to see things as more threatening than they are, even if they aren't threatening you at all.

For example, imagine someone coming up to you and asking how you are and you respond with ‘What's your problem? Why do you keep asking me that?’ The person may have had the best intentions, but you saw the words as a threat and so acted defensively.

Anxiety is a result of fearing fear itself, meaning you are nervous about what may befall you, even if there is no reason or direct threat toward you, so you start to see the fear itself as a threat and put avoidance tactics in place. But this response gives the anxiety more negative attention, and the fear levels increase.

In mindfulness, you start to learn to be more gentle and kind with yourself and understand that these anxious feelings will pass. Even the knowledge that you won't come to harm helps, such as when you fear that you're having a heart attack when you merely have a rapid heart rate or a panic attack.

Giving your body a break

In essence, the anxious thoughts that affect the body involve your stress response. These effects can manifest themselves in different ways. (Chapter 1 contains a full list.)

When you inadvertently activate the stress response, your immune system is boosted but then goes down. The reproductive system closes down, and digestion partially shuts down. Your body goes into a sort of emergency mode and uses only what it needs at that time so that no extra energy for anything else is expended.

Even though these anxious thoughts have an impact on your body and can be uncomfortable, they don't kill or harm you. Thoughts only ever have the power you give them.

Bringing Mindful Attention and Curiosity to Your Thoughts

Anxious thoughts can be unpleasant, and so unsurprisingly your initial reaction is to try to suppress or fight them. But bringing mindful attention to your thoughts allows you to better manage your stress response (see the preceding section), which helps thoughts lose their power and their ability to affect you.

You can use this exercise straightaway to relieve mild stress and anxiety. When you feel like you understand it fully, you can use it for more severe stress and anxiety. The easy way to remember this exercise is with the acronym RAIN:

The acronym RAIN was first coined about 20 years ago by Michele McDonald. For more on stepping back, check out the later section ‘Trying different mindful metaphors’ for ideas to help you step back.

Considering the effect of mindful attention on your thoughts

The more mindful attention you place on your thoughts, the less scary or threatening they become. Bringing attitudes such as curiosity, acceptance, awareness and nonjudgement towards your thoughts can be very helpful. All these attitudes come under the umbrella of mindful attention.

Without mindfulness, you can feel stuck or trapped by your anxious thoughts as you self-identify with them and want to block them out or stop them. Mindful attention gives you a different perspective and a sense of freedom from the trap of anxious thoughts and feelings.

Here are some of the negative, unhelpful responses you may have when you don't bring mindful attention to your thoughts:

When you start to practise mindful attention toward your thoughts, your responses change along the following lines:

Trying different mindful metaphors

Sometimes, getting a sense of stepping back or decentring from your thoughts is difficult. Here are some suggestions and mindful imagery to help you:

Understanding That Thoughts Aren't Necessarily Facts

Not every thought you have is a fact. Often thoughts are just a selection of pictures and words that arise in your consciousness. If you don't have an awareness of what you're thinking, however, you may think all kinds of limiting and self-critical thoughts without even realizing it. These are called automatic thoughts.

For example, you may have left the oven turned up too high and overcooked your dinner, or you may have forgotten to pick up an item from the supermarket. Thoughts can then arise such as ‘I'm so useless’ or ‘I can't do anything right’. But these acts are simple mistakes that lots of people make. Plus, you may not even be aware that you're having these kinds of thoughts in response to the situation. These thoughts can build up over time and impact your mood and the way you see yourself.

Discovering that thoughts are just thoughts

Imagine this scenario: You've had work friends over for dinner. The next day, one of your colleagues doesn't come in for work, and you find out that he isn't very well. What first thoughts spring to mind for you? Are they things like ‘I've poisoned my friend’, ‘I feel so bad I made my friend sick’ or ‘No one will ever want to come over again’?

Now think carefully about the facts of the scenario. The only thing you know for sure is that your friend is sick: That's the fact. The rest is just a succession of spiralling thoughts created by your mind.

Can you see how your mind is quick to jump to conclusions with little evidence? You probably had these negative thoughts before your mind stopped to consider that your friend may have the flu and other people at your dinner party are absolutely fine. Your homemade vegetable lasagna wasn't to blame at all!

Identifying yourself as separate from your thoughts

If you stare really closely at the pages of a book so that your nose is nearly touching it, the pages are a dark blur, and you can't make out individual words or pictures. You certainly can't read or understand what the book is about.

But when you gradually move the book slowly away from your face, you're able to make out words, shapes, pictures, sentences and paragraphs. As you move it even farther away from your face, you can also notice what's around the book — say, your desk and other furniture and decor in your home or workplace.

Similarly, when you're so close to your thoughts that you notice only them, you don't have a wider perspective. You may be having unhelpful thoughts that you identify with because you're unable to see the wider picture. Stepping back from your thoughts allows you to distance yourself from them and therefore lose your self-identity with them. Doing so gives you a greater sense of control and choice and allows you to make wiser decisions.

For example, sometimes I sit down to write, and I get stuck. I give myself a time limit in which to continue trying to force myself to write. When I exceed the time limit and am still struggling to get words on the page, I take a step back. I have a break, maybe some food and begin again later on or even the next day. By taking this step back, I allow myself to return to my work refreshed instead of becoming frustrated as I sit and struggle to work. You can do the same when you step back from your thoughts.

Accepting your thoughts with nonjudgemental awareness

Having uncomfortable thoughts that you're trying to accept can be challenging. Therefore, bringing a nonjudgemental attitude is vital to allow other attitudes to emerge, such as curiosity and acceptance. Instead of labelling a thought as inherently bad or good, try to allow it just to be there.

For example, you may have a thought such as ‘I'm useless at this’ or ‘No one here likes me’. Instead of judging those thoughts as bad or something that you shouldn't feel or think, bring a sense of curiosity, kindness and acceptance to that thought instead.

All thoughts are just that: thoughts.

Dealing with unhelpful or disturbing thoughts

When you practise mindfulness, you become more aware of your body and your mind, including your thoughts. If you're suffering from anxiety, you may have tried hard to ignore these thoughts, suppress them or run away from them. As your awareness becomes much greater, some difficult or disturbing thoughts may arise for you and feel much more intense than they did before.

Here's an action plan to manage these difficult thoughts with mindfulness:

1. Take a step back.

   You can do so in several ways:

   • Use one of the metaphors in the earlier ‘Trying different mindful metaphors’ section to place your thoughts on.
   • Label the thoughts. What type of thought are you having? Are you worrying, planning, judging or being self-critical?
   • Notice the thought you're having and ask yourself whether it's a thought or a fact.
   • Make a note of the thoughts that you're having. Sometimes writing them down can feel like a release.

   

   Try each of these different methods and find the one that generally works best for you. Remember that this isn't an exercise in avoidance.

2. Go back to what you were doing at the moment the difficult thought(s) arose.

   If you were meditating, turn your attention back to focusing on your breath. If you were at work, commuting or having a meal, turn your attention back to your senses then. So, for example, you can rest your attention on the sounds at work or the touch of your fingers on the keyboard or the smells of different food being cooked.

   You can also use mindful walking as you simply walk from room to room or building to building. You can slow your pace down a bit and put your awareness on your feet as you walk on the solid ground. Be mindful of your breath as you are walking. This unites the body and mind.

If you're finding your thoughts incredibly hard to deal with and they're extremely upsetting, disturbing or harmful to yourself or others, contact a medical professional before you continue with any of these exercises.

Discovering the Breathing Space Meditation

The breathing space meditation is a short one that you can practise for three minutes or more a day, so you can fit it around your daily life. It's useful whenever you need to take a step back, want a change in perception or have to deal with a stressful or upsetting event.

The three aspects of the breathing-space meditation are memorable with ABC:

Practising the breathing space meditation

Find a comfortable sitting position on a chair or the floor. Sit with your back straight and away from the back of the chair if you can (this sends a signal to your brain that you're alert). Of course, you don't have to sit. You can lie down or stand, whichever is most comfortable and appropriate at that moment.

When you're comfortable, follow these steps:

1. Become aware of yourself.

   Ask yourself the following questions:

   • ‘What sensations in the body am I feeling right now?’ Become aware of all sensations, even if they're very uncomfortable, such as aches and pains. Accept the discomfort as much as possible.
   • ‘What thoughts am I aware of at this moment, passing through my mind?’ Become aware of your thoughts and the space between you and your thoughts. Observe the thoughts without becoming caught up in them.
2. Focus your attention on your breathing.

   Feel the breath wherever it's easiest for you, whether that's the back of the throat, the nose, the mouth, the chest or the tummy area. Feel the whole of each in-breath and the whole of each out-breath. Just become aware of the breath instead of trying to change it and force it to become a certain way. Be curious, warm and friendly toward it. Does each breath feel a little different to you? Be grateful for your breathing that's keeping you alive and well.

3. Expand your awareness to your whole body.

   Imagine the entire body is breathing. See whether you can feel the effect of where the energy is settling.

4. Accept yourself as whole, perfect and complete just in this moment.

   Try to bring as much of an acceptance toward yourself and the practice as you can. Be aware of any judgments you may make without reacting to them automatically. Bring as much kindness to yourself as possible.

Finding out the benefits and use of the breathing space meditation

The breathing space meditation has loads of benefits, including making you more self-aware and pulling you into the present moment. It also helps you become an observer of your experience instead of feeling trapped or pulled along by it. This realisation helps when anxious feelings arise, allowing you to take a step back from them instead of letting them consume you.

This stepping back also allows you to see things from a different perspective and gives space for new ideas and creativity to form and expand.

Discovering when to practise the breathing space meditation

The breathing space meditation is very short, so you can practise it almost anywhere. I suggest about three times a day for three minutes each. You can also practise it as the coping breathing space when a specific stressful, upsetting or frustrating situation arises.

You practise the coping breathing space exactly the same as the breathing space meditation, except that you use it at the moment anxiety is rising up for you instead of at the regularly scheduled time. It helps you tune into being mindful of the anxiety rather than avoiding it, running away from it or being overwhelmed by it.

For example, say that you've had an uncomfortable disagreement with a work colleague or a family member, or you‘ve recalled an unpleasant event from your past. The coping breathing space is like taking a break, and it allows you to better handle the difficult feelings you're experiencing.

Whenever you use it, the breathing-space meditation isn't about running away from your problems, emotions or feelings. Instead, it's about moving toward them with a sense of curiosity and warmth. Doing so isn't easy, but even if you can manage it in tiny amounts, you've made a huge step.