BARRIERS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
“Communication is something so simple and difficult that we can never put it in simple words”
T. S. Matthews
A critical component of enhancing funeral director helping skills is an increased awareness of potential destructive communication patterns. The information and activities in this chapter will assist you in recognizing specific forms of destructive communication, thus allowing you to avoid them in your work. The patterns outlined include the following:
1. Funeral Director Dominance,
2. Bombarding with Questions,
3. Inappropriate Self-disclosure,
4. Offering Platitudes or False Reassurance,
5. Discouraging the Expression of Emotions and Tears,
6. Emotional Distancing.
Dominating an interaction with another person can best be described by the following: general sense of impatience, changing the subject, attempting to persuade or coerce, and lecturing or preaching.
The “dominator” often thinks he or she knows the answer before the question is even posed. He or she thinks he or she knows exactly what people should do and likes to tell them when and how to do it. This person is often a very poor listener. Dominating behaviors communicate a sense of disrespect for a person’s ability to decide what is best for his or her self. In Chapter 3, respect was noted as being one of the critical characteristics of the helping funeral director.
We have already discussed (see Chapter 11) how the excessive use of questions tends to limit the interaction. Relying largely on questions to gain information and understand feelings is destructive in that you, as opposed to the person you are helping, become the major focus in what is perceived as important.
The “bombarder” might run off a series of questions like, “What was your father’s date of birth? Where was he born? What was his social security number? Was he a veteran?” This approach usually makes the person feel like an object instead of a person.
Bombarding with questions communicates that the funeral director is interested in facts, not feelings. In addition, this pattern of interaction is usually difficult to change. For example, if early in the relationship you assume a strong directive role characterized by excessive questioning, the person may consider this the expected situation and adopt a passive role.
The “self-discloser” has been known to bore people to death. He or she likes to talk about self, particularly personal experiences. This person might say something like, “When my grandfather died we decided it would be best to …”
Remember that talking at length about oneself draws the focus away from the one you are attempting to help. Chances are slim that the person will find this of relevance to his or her own situation.
Self-disclosure on your part can be appropriate on occasion; however, in general, the best procedure is to keep the focus of your helping efforts on those you are assisting. What are some occasions when you think self-disclosure might be appropriate?
OFFERING PLATITUDES OR FALSE REASSURANCE
To offer false reassurance is to distance yourself from the person you are attempting to help. When someone has experienced the death of someone loved, false reassurance often leaves feelings of loneliness, misunderstanding, and emptiness. This person often speaks in cliches like, “Time heals all wounds,” “Everything is going to be just fine,” or “Hang in there.”
These kinds of statements fail to provide the reassurance intended. Instead, the person whose feelings do not agree with such comments is convinced that you certainly do not understand.
This person seems to think they can make someone’s grief just go away. But again, this pattern of communication is not respectful because it does not take into consideration the person’s understanding of the way things are. You will be better off exploring painful realities than to communicate an attitude of false reassurance.
DISCOURAGING THE EXPRESSION OF EMOTIONS AND TEARS
Unfortunately, many people associate tears of grief with personal inadequacy and weakness. Crying on the part of the mourner often generates feelings of helplessness in friends, family, and caregivers. Funeral directors are not immune from this tendency to feel helpless either.
Out of a wish to protect the mourner from pain, those people surrounding the mourner may serve to discourage the experience of tears. Comments similar to, “Tears won’t bring him back,” and “He wouldn’t want you to cry” inhibit the expression of tears. Yet, crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in the body and allowing the mourner to communicate a need to be comforted.
Becoming a helping funeral director means making a commitment to allowing people to share their pain with you. Obviously, you can not and should not try to discourage whatever emotions the person may be experiencing.
Distancing can occur in helping relationships in different ways. Literal detachment occurs when you simply perform the required tasks while maintaining a sense of personal aloofness and distance. In this situation, the people with whom you interact will probably feel isolated and sense a lack of the characteristics of warmth and caring as outlined in Chapter 3.
Another form of detachment is to avoid discussion of painful issues. This is often done in an effort to protect the person you are helping and yourself from confronting the reality of the feelings. In actuality, healing comes from the expression of these painful feelings. By confronting the painful issues, you will experience deeper and more meaningful relationships with the people who have turned to you for help.
Make note of any additional destructive communication patterns of which you are aware. Then discuss these additional patterns with the group participants in this training.
GROUP REHEARSAL WITH TRAINER OVERCOMING COMMUNICATION BARRIERS
Directions
The trainer will ask the group to provide examples they may have seen of any of the communication barriers outlined in this chapter.
Expectations
This will allow everyone to discuss any questions they have and serve to improve their overall communication skills.
After discussing each pattern the trainer will model the behavior to enable the participants to see, hear, and experience the effects. Participants will be encouraged to ask follow-up questions and clarify any misunderstandings related to the skill.
TRIAD BREAK-OUT REHEARSAL OVERCOMING COMMUNICATION BARRIERS
Directions
Work in triads. One person (speaker) should talk freely to another person about any topic of interest. The second person (helper-listener, or, in this situation the communication stopper) will respond with a combination of the barriers to communication outlined in this chapter. The third person will be available to provide follow-up feedback on the process that occurs. Yes, probably some funny moments will occur and you are allowed to laugh occasionally!
Each member of the triad will rotate through each of the three roles: speaker, helper-listener, and observer. The trainer will circulate throughout the room and be available for questions and concerns.
Expectations
This will allow participants to work to overcome any of these barriers to effective interpersonal communication.
After reading and participating in the activities outlined in this chapter you should be able to (1) identify six baniers to effective communication; 12) discuss why these patterns are counterproductive in interpersonal relationships; and (3) eliminate any of these patterns from one's interpersonal way of being.