STEP TEN

Be Your Own
Best Customer

Take a moment to consider what makes you happy outside of work. What activities, people, and events contribute to your happiness? Work is just one aspect of your life that could (and should) give you some pleasure.

Complete Worksheet 10.1. This exercise gives you a chance to identify, remember, or imagine activities that you find pleasurable. People sometimes deny themselves simple pleasures because they think

• I’m too busy.
• Others need me.
• I don’t deserve time to myself.
• I was taught to always do things for other people.
• I feel guilty when I take time away from my family.
• I feel guilty when I am not doing something “productive.”
• I have to please the people who are important to me before I can take care of myself.

WORKSHEET 10.1

Ten Things I Like to Do

Things I Like to Do	Last Time I Did It	When I Will Do It
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

You Are the Most Important Customer

You are important and just as deserving as your family and friends. When you complete Worksheet 10.1, you may realize how long it’s been since you actually did some of the things you really like to do, just for you and not for anyone else (unless you need a partner to do it). This could be going to a concert, playing guitar, listening to music, playing softball, making love, skydiving, camping, riding a bike, talking to a friend, reading a novel, eating ice cream, going to a play, watching football, and so on. You also might discover that many of your activities don’t cost anything, like taking a walk with someone you care about or visiting a park with the family. That’s an added advantage.

Several psychologists and spiritual authors have been referenced in this book, all of whom agree that the mind needs a rest from thinking every now and again. William Glasser (1976) ascribed to the concept of positive addiction, a term he used for an activity that strengthens us, makes our lives more satisfying, and puts us in a thought-free state. An example of this practice is the highs that runners get, which are said to be extremely healthy for the mind and the spirit. Glasser found that positive addiction to a sport or an activity increases self-confidence and the power of imagination. By doing something enjoyable, you can increase your mind’s capacity without having to do anything you don’t like to do. What a concept!

In Happiness Now! Timeless Wisdom for Feeling Good Fast, Robert Holden (2007) exposes myths about being happy, and examines assumptions that some people hold about thinking you have to suffer to be happy. See Worksheet 10.2 for ways that suffering is described. Complete this exercise to see how much suffering you do, whether it is intentional or unintentional.

Everyone has different ways of getting sane, staying sane, approaching sane, or appearing sane. You have good times and not-so-good times. The important thing is that you “don’t let the turkeys get you down,” and that you continue to create wellness and happiness in your life. The point of staying positive is to think about positive things, and not to dwell on negatives, as the Law of Attraction suggests.

Take Care of Yourself

The following suggestions apply to everyone. Try them and see if work gets better, customers don’t seem as taxing, and companies don’t seem as impersonal. Make your life personal.

See Your Friends

Friends help shape your identity. They make you laugh, ponder, reflect, and care. In the book Best Friends (Apter & Josselson, 1998), the authors have a statement about how friends listen to each other that is priceless: “We learn how to listen each other into speech.”

WORKSHEET 10.2

Myths and Assumptions

Instructions: Check all that apply to you.

I believe:	Yes	No
in order to experience enjoyment, you have to suffer first
work before pleasure is a must
you have to be productive all the time
vegging out is lazy
“the best things in life are free” is a hoax
everything has a cost
You are:
harder on yourself than anyone else
often ill
uncomfortable with wealth and luxury
suspect of anything that comes easily
You feel guilty when:
you relax
something comes your way without hard work
you are recognized for a skill or talent that comes easily to you
you say “no”

 

 

When you listen to each other, you validate your worth and the worth of your friend. Even when you are with a friend in silence, or in an activity without words, you connect. You also don’t have any hesitation in thinking a best friend is forever. Friends make sure you don’t feel alone in the world, understand your peculiarities, and even express them with fond regard: “She doesn’t do well with south, north, east, and west; just give her landmarks” or “He’s not into ties, but his hats are a tribute to fashion.”

Real friends stand by you through thick and thin, good and bad, ups and downs, new loves and breakups, old girlfriends and boyfriends, kids and no kids, illness and health. The number one song requested from James Taylor when he was on Oprah Winfrey was “You’ve Got a Friend.” Call a friend!

Give Yourself a Break

There used to be a McDonald’s commercial that said, “Give yourself a break today . . . at McDonald’s. We’re all for you!” Hamburgers may not be the healthiest food in the universe, but giving yourself a break is good for your health.

I have mentioned Sid Simon several times in different steps. Sid had a saying: “Remember that you are always doing the best you can.” You can go back and correct mistakes, or you can move on. It’s a choice. Sid’s point is that if you could do better, you would. At any given time, no matter what the circumstance, you are doing the best you can. This applies even if you think you aren’t doing the best you can. There’s a reason you aren’t if that is the case. If you look at yourself in this light, you will not beat yourself up or contribute to eroding your self-esteem. If you want to do better the next time, plan how to do it.

Give Others a Break

There are reasons that people do not always live up to your expectations. Rather than fret over it, try to understand what might be happening, instead of judging, criticizing, gossiping, or responding in a negative way. There will always be actions that grate on you. Try to practice forgiveness. Your acceptance might come right back—remember reciprocity.

Avoid Worry and Catastrophizing

It’s exhausting to worry. Catastrophizing is making a case for things to get worse and worse. It’s looking at a hangnail and thinking you have cancer. It’s having an argument and tormenting yourself that your forever friendship is over. It’s making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s worrying that someone has been in an accident when he or she is five minutes late. You can eliminate catastrophizing by staying in present time. If you do not project into the future and hypothesize about the past, you can stop yourself from unnecessary anxiety. Worrying about something will not change it. Complete Worksheet 10.3 to find out what makes you happy and why. If you need to change your mindset, answering the following questions may give you an insight into stress that you may be creating for yourself.

WORKSHEET 10.3

What Makes You Happy?

Instructions: Check off items that apply to you. In the second column, describe how it works or doesn’t work for you.

In order to be happy, I must	If this doesn’t work, what would you change?
Be liked by everyone
Be right all the time
Be competent at all I do
Never get frustrated
Always be good
Always be in control
Always be calm
Avoid conflict
Wait for happiness to happen
Be treated fairly by everyone
Overcome my past
Deserve it
Never get angry
Be perfect
Be on time
Never let down my guard
Hide my feelings
Never be vulnerable
Have a partner
Weigh less
Have more muscle tone
Have a smaller stomach
Exercise more
Get a face-lift
Eat less
Look like a model

 

Answer these questions:

• What are you telling yourself that is making you anxious?
• What are the facts?
• What are possible alternative reasons for what you are observing?
• How many times has your catastrophizing come true?
• How is worrying affecting you?

Try these steps:

• Do something positive.
• Change your scenery.
• Take a walk.
• Focus on the present.

For more ideas, see www.moodletter.com/NegativeSelfTalk.htm.

TOOL 10.1

Take Risks

• Once you decide to take action, go forward with your plans.
• Be fully committed to what you are doing.
• Ask for what you want.
• Consider what you think more than what others will think.
• Focus on your goals, not your “image.”
• Practice risk taking.

 

Take Risks

Taking risks increases self-esteem. Think about a time when you have taken risks. How did it work out? Have you changed jobs? Bought a home? Presented in front of a group? Taking risks changes your perspective. Consider the actions in Tool 10.1 for encouragement.

Express Yourself

It takes courage to express your point of view. Like taking risks, expressing yourself builds confidence. It also lets others know where you stand. When you respect yourself enough to let people know who you are, others will respect your courage.

Allow for Flexibility

Even when you plan, life happens. If you view changes in plans as opportunities to grow, you will be less likely to be stressed by the unexpected. There will never be a time when all things will go as smoothly as you would like, so why not develop ways that you can anticipate and accept change and alleviate as many downsides of the disruption as you can?

Exercise

Exercise increases endorphins and has innumerable positive effects on your heath. Do something you enjoy. Dance, play ping-pong, swim, walk, run, participate in sports with children, or participate in competitive sports. A personal trainer or doctor can advise you of the best course of action for your body and health. Exercise should have some element of fun, even if it’s merely the satisfaction you get out of doing it.

You can exercise in the office or on break. You can walk, do simplified yoga, raise your arms and lower them, move your head from side to side, rotate one shoulder at a time and then both shoulders, and stretch. Deep breathing is also a way to relax. Breathe in deeply; hold it for ten seconds, then breath out. Repeat three to five times.

Get Proper Nutrition

Proper nutrition means different things to different people. Whether you are a carnivore, a vegetarian, or a vegan, nutrition is important. Make sure you are getting all the nutrients you need from your meals and snacks. Some nutritionists believe that you should eat five small meals a day to keep your energy up and your sugar stabilized, assuming you don’t have a lot of sugar in your meals or snacks. Talk to your doctor to determine what is best for you.

Appreciate the Good

There are many good things that you enjoy in life, including many good customers. Using Worksheet 10.4 as a reference, make a list of the good things you have, and read the list in the morning before you go to work. Share the list with the good people you have referenced on the list. Share good things with your family or team, and have family members and team members do the same.

WORKSHEET 10.4

It’s All Good

I think about what is good in my life.

I appreciate what I have.

I appreciate me.

I appreciate my friends.

I appreciate my family.

I minimize what I have no power to change.

I like who I am.

I have an activity that I enjoy outside of work.

I take quiet time when I want or need it.

I relax.

I have fun.

I have people I trust with whom I can share thoughts.

I express my emotions to friends, family, and others as appropriate.

I am confident.

 

Contemplate Altruism

Altruism is a concept in philosophy and psychology that is defined as unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others.

Although reciprocity exists conceptually and practically, altruism has benefits that are rewarding. You can give of yourself at work. You can give to charitable causes. You can volunteer. Nobody can tell a person to be altruistic. But, since much has been said in this book about feeling good, consider doing something kind without hesitation, surprising someone with kindness, or establishing a connection. You probably do that all the time without the suggestion being made. If you do, appreciate yourself for it. Surely others will.

As Wayne Dyer (1983) said in Gifts From Eykis:

Learn to cultivate your own garden.
The kingdom of heaven is within.
Everything in the universe is exactly as it should be.
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.
Keep it simple.
These are the good old days.
You are perfect.