CHAPTER 7
Striking a chord
How influence can happen
Influencing others can happen without you even knowing. You arrive at work in a bubbly, light-hearted mood. You’re really excited about a new project. You call your team together and enthusiastically talk it through, setting out the key activities and the timeline. Your mood, your quickness of pace, the excitement in your voice and your confident language soon engage the team, and before the meeting finishes they are fired up and raring to go too.
This came naturally, you were genuinely enthused and energized, and with the help of the open loop system discussed in Chapter 2 you “infected” and influenced the others.
However, circumstances could have been very different. You could have been kicking off a new project which you didn’t really believe in, and at a time when the team already had a very heavy workload. Then you would have needed to be more considered in your style, language and approach, more attuned to the feelings and differences of the individuals, more enabling in achieving the desired outcome and in striking a chord.
What is influence?
Here is how Higgs and Dulewicz define influence: “The capability to persuade others to change a viewpoint based on the understanding of their position and the recognition of the need to listen to this perspective and to provide a rationale for change.”
Take a moment to reflect on this definition.
• What is it saying to you?
• Which are the key words or phrases that stand out?
• Why are they important to you?
It’s about striking a chord
In essence, influence is about handling other people’s emotions effectively. It’s about understanding how others are feeling and then using this knowledge in a way that enables them and you to move forward. Often this relates to achieving your desired outcome through the alignment of the desires of others.
Rookie Buster
Influence is about handling other people’s emotions effectively.
However, it also relates to enabling others by simply giving them confidence, encouragement, direction or advice; or creating an environment that makes others feel good.
Through understanding others’ feelings and perceptions, by exploring issues openly, and by adapting your behaviour and using language to build confidence, you can find ways to engage others, change behaviour and gain commitment to a cause.
Influencing others is sometimes said to be manipulative, but that’s only the case if what you are doing is not authentic and you have no regard or respect for how the other person feels or what they want.
Why is influence important?
First and foremost, people are human. They have feelings just like you, and while some may be more sensitive than others, all will be affected in some way. Being attuned to how others are feeling means you have the knowledge to tailor what you say and do to what is appropriate at any given time.
Perhaps you need to avert a negative outcome, for example, by allaying your team’s fear of imminent change, reassuring a jealous colleague, or placating an angry, dissatisfied customer.
Or you need to enhance spirit and cohesion within your team, perhaps by energizing individuals through discussing their role in the project, promoting a good work/life balance within the team, or inspiring them through agreeing a goal and values.
When things are going really well, you can tap into the euphoria of success: recognize and praise individual contributions, celebrate the achievement, raise aspirations further, and set a new benchmark for the team to achieve.
Identifying people’s needs and addressing them effectively is extremely powerful, and you will notice the effect on:
• Well-being.
• Energy levels.
• Creativity.
• Motivation.
• Performance.
• Team working.
Stop for a minute and think about a time when you averted a bad outcome, enhanced a situation or acknowledged an outstanding success.
What specifically did you do or say?
What impact did this have on the team or individual involved?
Without influence, people often flounder – looking for direction or seeking leadership. Sometimes they struggle to make a decision, or need an injection of ideas, require information or basic support.
Some people willingly seek and invite help, but others won’t have the courage or view it as a sign of weakness. These are the people who will often worry and suffer from anxiety and the effects of stress.
Therefore, influencing is important, but it is essential to recognize that others may be in a vulnerable position and you should respond to their needs with respect and empathy.
Exercise – How influential are you?
Have a look at the exercise below and consider how you may, knowingly or unknowingly, have influenced others in the past.
Below are a number of statements that can complete the sentence beginning “In the past, I have …”. Place a tick in the shape alongside each statement that you feel describes what you have done.
… cheered someone up or distracted them from their problems by:
• Using appropriate humour.
• Telling jokes.
• Making fun of myself.
… frustrated or annoyed someone by:
• Teasing or mocking them.
• Being patronizing or putting them down.
• Performing a practical joke.
• Being sarcastic.
… hurt and saddened someone by:
• Ostracizing them.
• Walking away.
• Being judgemental.
• Not listening.
… made someone feel valued by:
• Listening to them attentively.
• Spending time with them.
• Being affectionate, caring or sympathetic.
… calmed someone down by:
• Taking a slow, deliberate approach.
• Being passive.
• Avoiding criticism.
• Being non-confrontational.
… intimidated others by:
• Slamming doors.
• Shouting.
• Arguing.
• Banging the desk.
… made someone feel insignificant by:
• Ignoring them.
• Not using their name.
• Not greeting them when I’ve seen them.
… helped someone overcome their anxiety and feel happier by:
• Taking a rational approach to discussing an issue.
• Giving practical advice.
• Apportioning blame.
• Justifying actions.
… upset and angered someone by:
• Criticizing a trivial thing.
• Challenging their opinion and belief.
• Comparing them to others.
… made someone feel proud and encouraged them to participate by:
• Paying them a genuine compliment.
• Giving them praise.
• Addressing them by name.
• Asking their opinion.
Add the number of ticks in each shape (square or triangle) and insert the totals below:
statements indicate “I have influenced others positively.”
statements indicate “I have influenced others negatively.”
Compare the total in each shape and consider whether you are using your infl uence in a positive and genuine manner.
Personal reflection: Lessons I have learned about myself
Finally take a few minutes to draw out three key lessons you have learned about yourself, and record them here.
1.___________________________________________________________________________________
2.___________________________________________________________________________________
3.___________________________________________________________________________________
What can affect your ability to influence?
Your ability to influence can be affected if you:
• Are not attuned to the feelings of others.
• Haven’t built rapport.
• Find it difficult to express yourself emotionally.
• Are not flexible in your approach.
Being attuned to the feelings of others
Having the ability to sense what others are feeling or needing and to generally pick up the “vibe” of those around you is paramount. Without this you will be missing out on a considerable amount of data that can help you to change a subdued atmosphere within your team or alter the negative mood or state of an individual.
If you’re not picking up on others’ emotions and moods, take time to consciously learn how to do this, and you’ll start to see how you can positively alter their job performance, creativity or the cohesion of others.
Tip: Tune in to others. Regularly stop and look at the facial expressions and the body language of a colleague; listen to them talking and hear the tone of their voice and the words they are using. What do these tell you about how they are feeling?
Tip: Test out what others are feeling. Once you’ve identified what you think someone else is feeling, check by asking them – for example, “I get the feeling you are not really enthused at the moment – is that right?” See whether you are sensing correctly.
Using your rapport
As you have seen in Chapter 6, being empathetic enables you to develop rapport, and with this comes your ability to influence positively and effectively. Rapport allows you to engage in conversations at a deeper level, and to find out more about the real person – their feelings, values, beliefs, opinions, likes and dislikes.
Rookie Buster
Rapport allows you to engage in conversations at a deeper level, and to find out more about the real person.
Try sharing some personal information and see how others respond to you. Be genuine in your interest; if you are not interested, don’t ask. Over time you will build up a level of confidence and trust that will positively enhance your working relationship.
Tip: Develop your questioning skills, and be brave. Ask those feelings-based questions, and listen. By getting under the skin of others, you may start to expose the real reason for their critical approach or negative mood.
Tip: Change someone’s behaviour. If you notice that someone always seems to look cross, has hurried behaviour or a noninviting expression, try smiling each time you see them and see how they respond to you.
Expressing yourself emotionally
Being emotionally expressive doesn’t mean you need to be emotional. It means you need to express what you are feeling through your body language, your facial expressions, your voice and your words.
Rookie Buster
You need to express what you are feeling through your body language, your facial expressions, your voice and your words.
As you are aware, you can’t help but leak your emotions through non-verbal means. However, what you can determine is whether leaking your negative emotion (anxiety or frustration, for instance) is useful at that moment or not. If it is, because others need to see it, feel it and respond themselves, then fine – show it.
Imagine you have a deadline to meet for your client, and you are anxious to get the data you need from your team on time. Let the team observe you scurrying around, let them see the focus and determination in your face, let them hear the shortness in your voice – there’s no time for jokes or small talk right now. They will pick up the vibe that the pressure is on and will (assuming you have their trust, respect and support) respond accordingly.
Equally, when you have had good news and there’s been a success for the team, use your positive emotion to your advantage and demonstrate your feelings of happiness, enthusiasm and energy. Smile openly and widely, show your pride in the team, be relaxed, make time to chat over the success with individuals and verbalize what this result will mean for everyone in the future.
Being flexible in your approach
Everyone is different. How people respond differs depending on their specific drivers or motivational needs. Individuals have a particular style, work at their own pace, use their own set of words, and behave in certain ways.
Consequently, how you influence one person can be very different to how you influence another. You need to be flexible, understand who you are dealing with, and identify how best to approach them.
Rookie Buster
How you influence one person can be very different to how you influence another.
Then you need to shape your case. From a rational perspective, consider what’s in it for them, as well as for you. Look for the win–win in any situation, based on what you know the other person wants, likes, dislikes, and so on.
Fundamentally, you need to appeal to the other person at an emotional level. So get the approach right, ensure the rationale is meaningful to them, and use appropriate language.
Getting real emotional commitment comes down to capturing the heart.
Tip: Increase your flexibility. Make a point of viewing things from other perspectives. Before making a decision, shape your understanding of the issue, and how it will be received by others, by putting yourself into their shoes and taking a look from their position.
Tip: Before any discussion of difficult issues, reflect on the individual’s personality type, what motivates them, their style and preference, and think through what you will say and how you can engage them to achieve the best outcome for both parties.
How does your influence affect others?
Influencing others is easy if you have created the right environment and earned their respect.
Creating the right environment
Consider an environment in which:
• People can be open and honest.
• There is a willingness to share and collaborate.
• Ideas and opinions are sought.
• Feelings and concerns are shared.
• Everyone feels valued and respected.
In such an environment, your need to influence will be diminished as your style and approach will be in tune with your people.
Whenever you need to make a decision, you:
• Reflect on how the outcome might affect individuals or the team.
• Conduct a one-to-one conversation with each individual involved.
• Hold an open discussion.
• Listen to and explore the views of others.
• Consider the points raised.
Through this approach, and by seeing the perspective of others, understanding how they feel and how they react to the decision you make, you can become better informed.
Once you have made your decision you’ll be able to explain your rationale, acknowledging the points raised by others, identifying those you considered, those you embraced and those you were obliged to disregard, remembering to explain why.
This is an environment in which people feel involved and become emotionally attached to the project and the team. In this environment you are much less likely to find resistance, as people know their voice has been heard and their inputs have been genuinely considered, and there is mutual understanding.
Tip: If you involve others in shaping and informing your decision making, always provide them with your rationale for the final outcome, no matter how trivial it may seem to you.
Earning the respect of others
Influencing others comes down to respect. If you haven’t earned respect, you won’t have a chance. You may believe your position or title guarantees respect, but in the real world, it doesn’t work like that.
Rookie Buster
If you haven’t earned respect, you won’t have a chance.
Here are four ways to ensure respect:
1. You need to show you have credibility by sharing your knowledge and experience openly and generously. Offer advice, be a sounding board or make time to mentor others.
2. Let others know that you don’t know it all. Be honest, show your vulnerability and ask the “experts” for their help.
3. Ask everyone for their input, their feelings, their views and opinions. It’s important to them to feel valued, respected and worthy, and important for you to receive the richness of their ideas and perspectives.
4. Build the confidence of others through the language you use. Words have power, and the way you use them will make all the difference to how others feel and how they respond to you.
Rookie Buster
Words have power, and the way you use them will make all the difference to how others feel and how they respond to you.
Exercise – Influencing through language
Listen carefully to the words you use every day and think about whether they are positive or negative, whether they build the confidence of others, whether they give others confidence in you, or whether they simply crush any belief or respect.
1. List the common words and phrases that you use – positive on the left and negative on the right.
Positive |
Negative |
____________________ |
____________________ |
____________________ |
____________________ |
____________________ |
____________________ |
2. Now look at the phrases below, and identify those that you could genuinely start to adopt.
“I recognize the effort you have put in to date.”
“I know we will achieve what we set out to do.”
“I am very positive about …”
“I am committed to making this happen.”
“I am confident we have turned the corner.”
“I am really proud of what you have achieved.”
“I truly believe that …”
“We will absolutely smash those targets if we …”
3. Now identify other words and phrases that you would feel comfortable using.
Beware! You have to mean what you say, and believe it yourself. Insincere words do more damage than saying nothing. Nobody is fooled by insincerity. So be genuine, and only use words you believe and are prepared to stand by.
Striking a chord: Bringing influence to life
Your starting point
1. Transfer into this box your influence score from the EI self-perception questionnaire in Chapter 2.
2. Now that you know more about influence, re-evaluate this score and plot on the Striking a Chord blade above. This score is an indicator of your level of influence and is based on your selfperception.
3. Reflect on your entries in your emotions diary, and if you recognize there is scope for strengthening your influence, take some time here to jot down your ideas. You may like to think about this in terms of what you could start, stop and continue.
• Start – for example, start identifying how my colleague is feeling, and then ask her to see how “tuned in” I really am.
• Stop – for example, stop railroading others without giving them a chance to express their opinions or concerns.
• Continue – for example, continue expressing my positive moods through what I do and say.
4. Use The Johari Window template in the Appendix and consider, in relation to your influence, how you behave and how you feel. Jot down your behaviours (Box 1) and your feelings (Box 2).
5. Your influence will have an impact on others. To gain a true understanding of this, you need to ask others for their feedback. Identify four people who know you well in the workplace and use the five statements from the influence section of the EI questionnaire (page 37 in Chapter 2) as prompts for discussion with each of them. Their perceptions will provide valuable data – some may confirm your own perception, while some may differ.
6. Go back to The Johari Window template and in Box 1 capture the perceptions shared by you and others. Then complete Box 3 and record anything you had been previously unaware of. The real value of this exercise is discovering things you don’t already know about yourself.
7. Based on your findings, revisit and, if necessary, revise your start, stop and continue actions.
You can now bring your influence to life through the following personal development activities.
Personal development activities
1. Feelings-based conversation
Using feelings-based conversation may feel awkward and embarrassing, but if used with genuine care and with the intention of achieving a positive and productive outcome, it can be very powerful.
Sharing your feelings
If you wish to elicit a change in the behaviour of a colleague or team member, try an emotions-based approach. Explain in a calm and considered manner exactly how their behaviour makes you feel, and give an indication of how you would like them to behave.
For example, “I was very disappointed and quite upset that you didn’t return my calls yesterday, after I’d left three messages. I always return my calls as soon as I get a message; it’s a mark of respect.”
Be careful which emotions you share. Think about the effect certain emotions may have on the other person. You need to create the right response to achieve a productive outcome.
For instance, in the example above, using “disappointed” and “upset” makes this personal to your emotions. It may seem as though you are putting yourself in a weaker position, but this is more likely to elicit empathy or sympathy from the other person, which then leads to an amicable and understanding conversation as well as a positive change in behaviour.
Saying “I was very frustrated and angry …” might instead create a feeling of blame and tension. This could provoke conflict or inflame the situation, and then nothing would change.
Tip: Enter such discussions with the outcome you wish to achieve already in mind, and remember that the outcome will be defined by your response to the situation. Outcome = event x response.
Encouraging others to share their feelings
Some people find it difficult to talk about feelings, and they may even consider it unprofessional or “soft” to do so in the workplace. However, if you can encourage conversation at a feelings level you may be able to open up the conversation, get to the root of an issue, and lead to mutually agreed actions.
For example, try saying, “I’ve been thinking about your situation and know it can’t be easy for you that I have been brought in to lead this team. I am sure you’re feeling rather frustrated and hurt by this – am I right?”
By suggesting what the other person may be feeling, you have given them the opportunity to either agree or deny. Either way, you can start to explore their true feelings and move on to what needs to happen to change their feelings, perception and behaviour.
Further exploration may follow, and could include:
• “So – what needs to happen now?”
• “What do you need to do?”
• “What would you like me to do?”
• “When shall we review?”
Tip: Reflecting on how others are feeling is a good technique to encourage open feelings, and also to calm a potentially heated situation.
2. Gaining insight into other people’s positions
How you perceive a situation determines how you feel about it, and therefore determines how you react or respond. It’s natural to think that everyone is seeing and perceiving things in the same light. However, everyone is different, and their values, beliefs, personal experience and previous knowledge will all shape their view of an issue.
Of course, the very best way to find out what someone else is thinking and feeling is to openly discuss the situation. However, that may not always be possible, or you may want to gain an insight ahead of your discussion.
Rookie Buster
The very best way to find out what someone else is thinking and feeling is to openly discuss the situation.
To gain that insight into how others might be seeing a situation, try to put yourself into their shoes and look at it from their perspective. You’ll be surprised at how much information you’ll be able to gather and how your emotional responses will change.
Here’s a technique for learning how to see things from someone else’s perspective.
As you move through the three positions outlined below, physically move to a different position in the room and then jot down your responses to the questions below.
1. First position – your own personal point of view, seen through your eyes.
2. Second position – look through the eyes of the other person involved.
3. Third position – view the situation as if you were an observer watching both you and the other person involved.
Ask yourself:
• What have I learned?
• What new information do I now have?
• What feelings have I experienced?
You can use this technique to:
• Gather more information to understand where others are coming from before you start a discussion or try to influence another.
• Improve rapport by showing that you can see the other person’s perspective.
• Change your perspective if you are feeling unsure.
• Give yourself some emotional distance.
3. Pacing and leading others
An effective way to build rapport and influence others is to synchronize yourself to their pace before you attempt to take the lead.
This means mirroring or matching their:
• Behaviour (body posture, gestures, stance).
• Breathing.
• Energy levels.
• Voice tone.
• Language (expressions, similar metaphors, echoing their views).
“Pacing” another person will help to make them feel that you are listening and you value what they say. It will begin to build trust and co-operation, so:
1. Observe the other person closely.
2. Watch out for their posture, expression, stance, speed of breathing and speech.
3. Decide which of these you want to pace.
4. Go at their pace.
5. Mirror their physical stance and movements in a subtle way (avoid mimicry).
6. Continue to pace until you see signs that they are at ease and you feel you have established rapport.
7. Now you can think about taking the lead.
You might want to take the lead in discussing a topic that you feel could be difficult. Once you have established rapport, you can introduce the potentially “sticky” topic, and you will be much more likely to find that you can explore it openly and without aggression, and find an effective and practical solution.
Coach’s notes 
Influencing is about engaging others at an emotional level. Being sensitive to an individual’s feelings and needs helps you to adapt your communication in a way that makes that emotional connection.
• Arouse emotion in the other person and you’ll be tapping into the heart. Persuading others with fact and opinion alone is not enough to engender real commitment.
• Inject humour (appropriately) and show your sense of fun to lighten the mood in difficult or tense situations.
• Be sincere and show your concern for others, and you’ll foster warmth and build trust.
• Be realistic and optimistic. It’s no good being overly enthusiastic and painting an unrealistic picture of the future when you know that doesn’t reflect what is really going on.
Go for it! “Influencing others is not just a matter of pushing information at them, it’s about creating an experience to engage the gut.” Adapted from John Seely Brown, chief scientist, Xerox Corporation
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Notes |
