Have you ever felt sometimes as if you would like to stop the world and get off for a while, just to have a little rest, recover and make sense of it all? In the increasingly demanding and changing world that we live in, it is so easy sometimes to become overwhelmed and feel as if you are sinking.

At some point, everyone experiences varying degrees of setbacks. Some of these challenges might be relatively minor and others may have a major impact. How you deal with these problems can play a major part in the ultimate outcome and also your long-term psychological well-being.

Resilient people are able to utilize their skills and strengths to cope and recover from the knockbacks and challenges, which could well include illness, job loss, financial problems, natural disasters, relationship break-ups or the death of someone you love.

If you lack resilience you may become overwhelmed by these experiences and simply fall apart. You may find yourself dwelling on your problems and using unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the pain and heartache.

It would be fair to say that some individuals do indeed have personality traits that help them remain calm in the face of adversity. Others may well react more emotionally and dramatically. We will, of course, all react differently to trauma and stress in our lives. Some people take a more stoic approach and keep their feelings hidden; others may become more expressive and emotional. Different personalities tend to process information in a variety of ways and your reaction will be part of your coping mechanism.

The key, however, is the end result. It isn’t necessarily a question of how far you fall, but how high you can bounce back; sometimes, maybe, even bigger, better and stronger as a result of the experience.

Like the boomerang on the cover of the book, you show true resilience by returning from each experience relatively unscathed and ready to face positively the next challenge that life may throw your way.

What you need to avoid is becoming a ‘Doomerang’, returning from each experience loaded with negative baggage, resentments and pain that could well haunt you for the rest of your life and make the next situation even harder to deal with.

Resilient people do not allow adversity to drain their resolve. They find a way to pick themselves up, dust themselves off and keep going, with a strong belief that things can, and will, get better.

Resilience comes from the Latin word resilio, which means ‘to jump back’. Some people describe resilience as the ability to bend instead of breaking under pressure, or the ability to persevere and adapt when faced with challenges. The same abilities also help us to be more open and willing to take on new opportunities. In this way, resilience is more than just survival, it is also about letting go and learning to grow.

Throughout this book you will find that some of the greatest examples of people who cope exceptionally well with adversity are those who adopt a positive mental attitude.

As a total advocate of positivity, I would like to share with you a very recent story about resilience which involves my own family.

A Personal Story of Resilience

To set the scene, my parents have been together for over 60 years, married for nearly 58, and have three children. Certainly they have had their share of challenges and heartache; however, they are both strong, positive people who cope amazingly well with whatever life throws at them.

Three years ago my father started feeling breathless and tired. As a very fit 75-year-old, who sailed every weekend and went to gym five times a week, it was thought that perhaps he was overdoing it. He went to see his doctor who said that he had a heart murmur and sent him to see a consultant at the local hospital. This was diagnosed as a moderate condition.

Last year, however, it was discovered that he had severe thickening of the aortic valve and, after an angiogram, he was told that he needed a quadruple bypass as well as a valve replacement. The situation was diagnosed as severe and he was put on a waiting list, with his health deteriorating on a daily basis. He was given strict instructions to do no more sailing, no more gym and to remain wrapped in cotton wool until after the operation.

For someone who was used to an active life this was very challenging. Each day he waited with no communication of when the operation would be. Bouts of anxiety and depression become frequent as his life was put on hold. To watch my parents go through this ordeal alone was heart wrenching as they were rendered helpless.

One year later, he was finally given an operation date. The news, when it finally came was seemingly akin to winning the lottery! The whole family was tremendously relieved.

The evening before the operation, my mother and I took my father into hospital and I watched them say their goodbyes. Knowing the severity and the risk of the operation, I have to say, I struggled to hold it together. After 60 years of being together they knew there was a chance, as with any major operation, that this could be the last time they saw each other.

Knowing it was a six-hour operation, I tried to keep my mother busy as we both waited with our hearts in our mouths. All we wanted to do was call to be able to hear that everything had gone well. Four hours later, the phone rang and I answered it, my mouth dry with anticipation and fear. It was a surreal experience to hear my father’s voice on the end of the line.

‘Well it’s like this’, his ghostlike voice whispered down the phone line. ‘I was all ready to go into theatre. They’d prepared me. Put my gown on. I’d even had a Mexican!’ (I didn’t feel it was appropriate to correct him at that point.) ‘And then they said that I was going to be discharged because they didn’t have any critical care beds left!’

My mother and I immediately went to see my father and we found him sitting on the end of his hospital bed looking somewhat bewildered, trying to make sense of this surreal situation. Despite their extraordinary efforts to remain calm I could see the fear in my parents’ eyes as they imagined being flung back into the bureaucracy of waiting lists, and it all seemed almost too unbearable to imagine. No one was able to give us any information, only that my father should return home and wait for the next available slot which could be days, weeks or months.

We returned home and I watched my parents muster a huge amount of resilience as they both discussed how they would deal with the situation. They realized that the situation was out of their control and they made a pact to be calm and patient and that things would be resolved if they remained positive.

After being home for about two hours the telephone rang. Half-expecting it to be a concerned relative, I answered it. I was told that my father should return immediately to the hospital as a critical care bed had become available and my father would be operated on the next day. Repacking his bag we traipsed back to the hospital. This I am sure you can imagine would be an ordeal for anyone let alone two people near to eighty!

We left my father that evening and called later to see if he was settled. He said he had spoken to the Sister on the ward who said he was doing very well and she was surprised at how positively he had dealt with it all.

Apparently he had said to the Sister that his daughter wrote books about being positive and he had then proceeded to tell her that he had PMT.

‘Oh sir’, the Sister had said ‘I think you mean PMA’.

‘No’, he had apparently told her quite adamantly. ‘I think under the circumstances I am entitled to have PMT!’

The next period of time was an even more nerve-wracking ordeal because, after the operation, my father remained in a coma, unable to come off the life support machine. Eventually, after a week, he came out of critical care and with all the drugs and tubes that had been attached to him he was convinced that he was on the moon!

My father is now recovering very well and with the support of my mother and various health professionals he is back on his feet and enjoying his latest passion of model yacht racing. He says he feels he has a new lease of life and most certainly seems to have bounced back even better than before, despite having been through a somewhat traumatic ordeal.

As you will see, I take courage from other people’s stories as well as my own experiences and, dotted throughout this book, are some other enlightening and inspiring examples. I have changed a few names where appropriate to protect privacy. Some people, it seems, have more than their fair share of pain. Certainly some of the stories in this book will demonstrate this. However, those stories have reaffirmed my belief that it is not what happens to you in life, it is how you respond and deal with the situation that matters.

In my previous book, How to be Happy, my aim was to help people to feel better about themselves and their lives. This book, however, goes a little more deeply into helping people to handle the trials, tribulations and curve balls that life throws at us from time to time. I have outlined ten key strategies for developing resilience; with information, tips and techniques so that you can develop your own coping mechanism and take better control of your life.

1. Take a Journey of Self-Discovery

Self-awareness and self-confidence play an essential role in helping you to cope with stress and recover from difficult events. Understanding yourself is the first port of call and, after that, reminding yourself of your strengths and accomplishments is key. Becoming more confident about your ability to respond and deal with crises is a great way to build resilience for the future. Challenges can be stepping stones or stumbling blocks. It’s just a matter of how you view them and how much faith you have in yourself to overcome them.

2. See the Glass Half Full

Staying positive during dark periods can be difficult and it is important to maintain a hopeful outlook. Being an optimist does not mean being naive and ignoring the problem. It means understanding that setbacks are transient and that you have the skills and abilities to combat the challenges you face. There is a huge risk when something difficult arises that you fall into the pessimistic trap of believing that everything is doom and gloom. So much of resilience is about how you choose to react to each situation, and an optimistic perspective will most certainly lead you in a more positive direction.

3. Take Emotional Control

Being emotionally aware and recognizing how potentially you can react in certain situations will help you to exert more self-control. It will also help you to be more considerate with regards to how your reactions can affect other people. High emotion can be quite exhausting so managing emotions during any ordeal will help you to focus your energy where it’s best placed. People who have better emotional awareness and understand their own emotions have been shown to be far more resilient.

4. Change for the Better

Being positive about change is a really good approach. You may not be able to control or change circumstances; however, you can absolutely change your attitude towards them so you are far more in control than you think. Flexibility is an essential part of being able to manage change and, by learning how to be more adaptable, you will be much better equipped to respond to any life crisis you experience. Resilient people often utilize these events as an opportunity to branch out in new directions. While some people may be crushed by abrupt changes, highly resilient individuals are able to adapt and thrive.

5. Cope Well with Conflict

Conflict is an inevitable part of life. We all have different personalities, and along with those go belief systems, values, perspectives, likes and dislikes. Some conflict can be difficult and, at times, unsettling – especially if you take it personally and are very sensitive. The outcome of conflict, however, can be very positive. It can help you to create new ideas, learn from others, understand yourself better, see different perspectives and improve your own communication. Learning how to cope with and manage conflict is a very important life skill in the increasingly diverse world that we live in.

6. Embrace Probortunities

The word probortunity is a hybrid between the word ‘problem’ and ‘opportunity’ and looks at the concept of taking every problem situation and seeking out the opportunity. It works on the premise that in every crisis situation an opportunity will arise and there will be some benefit. It is a useful approach to problems and helps you come at them from a positive angle. Developing a good set of problem-solving skills is a valuable toolkit to equip yourself with and knowing what practical steps to take will give you confidence when you are faced with adversity.

7. Look after Yourself

When you are feeling traumatized, stressed and upset, it can be all too easy to neglect your own well-being. Losing your appetite, overeating, not exercising, not getting enough sleep, drinking too much alcohol, not drinking enough water, driving yourself too hard, are all common reactions to a crisis situation. This is the time when you need to work on building your self-nurturance skills, especially when you are troubled. Making time to invest into your well-being will boost your overall health and resilience and you will be better equipped to be face life’s challenges.

8. Make Connections

Building and sustaining a strong network of supportive friends, family and work colleagues will act as a protective factor during times of crisis. It is important to have people you trust and can confide in. Whilst simply talking about a situation with a friend or loved one will not necessarily make troubles go away, it will allow you to share your feelings, gain support, receive feedback and come up with possible solutions to your problems. Listening to other people’s experiences can be really useful too and, although we can’t always learn from others mistakes, there will certainly be some good advice out there.

9. Keep Going

Winston Churchill summed this up perfectly: ‘If you are going through hell, keep going.’ There is a lot be said for picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and carrying on. Being resilient is about the ability to bounce back and get on with life. The key is to think of each setback or upset as a stepping stone – and it is really important to be able to do this as quickly as possible. Letting go of the angst that you experience too is very important rather than carrying lots of negative baggage with you that will just weigh you down and make the journey ahead more difficult.

10. Create a Vision

In times of crisis, or when you are feeling low, it is good to hold on to your dream and not lose sight of the fact that you can always have something to look forward to. There are lots of benefits to creating a vision and setting goals. First and foremost, they help you to develop clarity which is the first step to helping you achieve what you want in life. Goals unlock your positive mind and release energies and ideas for success and achievement. Without goals, you simply drift and flow on the currents of life. With goals, you fly like an arrow, straight and true to your target. Setting goals gives you direction, purpose, focus and, most important of all, hope.

At the end of each chapter there are also some reflection exercises where you can examine your own needs and set out a personal action plan to ensure that you truly benefit from this book. Knowledge is much more valuable when you put it to good use.

This book is written with the intention of providing you with some fundamental strategies that will help you to navigate some of the challenges you may face in your life. It is has been designed to be an easy and accessible read so you won’t find a huge amount of science and theory. It cuts through unnecessary complexity and will provide you with simple solutions to get back on track and trust that tomorrow has every possibility of being a brighter, better day.

Liggy Webb