NEURON SECRET THREE

The Principle of Generosity: Give not to receive, but only to fill your heart with joy

Lance De Jong is a Vice President of North American Sales for Oracle. He concurs that it is important for leaders to care for the members of their team, and a good way to do that is to generously offer your time and wisdom as a mentor. He recalls, earlier in his career, being mentored by a man named John who informed Lance that if he wanted to be mentored, he had to abide by three rules. One, Lance had to bring the questions to John. This forced Lance to do his homework and come prepared with questions for his mentor. Two, Lance had to honor and respect the time commitment. They would never cancel or reschedule unless a life‐threatening situation forced them to do so. Three, Lance needed to be a river and not a reservoir. He had to agree to pass on what he'd learned from John to someone else.

“In my first lesson with John,” Lance said. “He challenged me to do my homework and write down and memorize my primary six core values. What did I stand for? What defined me? I thought I knew, but John taught me how to dig deeper and really understand who I was.”

John's mentorship helped Lance formulate his three pillars of leadership. Of most importance is trust, which forms the backbone of everything he does. Lance defines the second pillar with one word: serve. His philosophy is to flip an organizational chart upside down and determine how he can add value to his direct reports and their teams. In his opinion, if he is not finding ways to help his team, he is not doing his job effectively. The third pillar is caring.

“You must find a way to show your people that you genuinely care about them,” said Lance. “It can't be phony. It must be authentic.”

Lance believes that effective leaders should constantly ask themselves three important questions. First, are the people you are leading following you, and how do you know? Second, is your team growing personally and professionally, and how do you know? And third, are the people you are leading succeeding, and how do you know?

“There's a big difference between a manager and a leader,” said Lance. “If I were a CEO, I'd strive to nurture leaders, not managers.”

Lance reported to a manager, we'll call him Fred, who had a military background. While Lance knows that the military can and has produced some great leaders, a few have emerged as more managers than leaders, and Fred fell into this category. He was an invasive micromanager who managed by spreadsheets and made Lance feel untrusted. When challenged, Fred got defensive, raised his voice, and demanded respect. Rather than argue with Fred, Lance instead tried to understand. He recognized that Fred did not feel safe, so Lance said, “I respect you, and I'm glad you brought this up.” He then endeavored to earn Fred's trust while not compromising his own principles or acting like a doormat. During this experience, Lance learned a valuable lesson about “leading up.”

Lance advises aspiring leaders to do as he did while being mentored by John. First, understand what you are deeply passionate about and what you are not passionate about. How do you believe your talents will help you excel, and in what areas? Also, set clear and attainable goals that will help you stretch and gain confidence.

“I think it's important to turn aspiring leaders into leaders of leaders,” said Lance. “Leading is all about relationships, not tasks. You must have someone's permission to lead them. Others will follow you if they believe you can help transform them into what they want to become.”

Vision and inspiration are two key components that Lance feels are vital to help your team transform. You must impart a clear vision that incorporates a worthwhile overarching passion and purpose beyond only profits. Then, inspire others to reach for those stars. Team diversity is also important, along with open communication and healthy arguments.

“A team with ‘five Lances’ is not a good thing,” said Lance. “I much prefer a diverse team where everyone has different strengths, personalities, and opinions. The sum of our parts makes us greater as a whole.”

Lance believes that as a society we are starving for strong, effective, and inspirational leadership. We have the opportunity to lead in almost every aspect of our lives. Leadership is not something that is gifted to us, it is something we can choose to learn and to earn. We become leaders not by stepping on others as we climb the ladder to success, but by the choices we make and how we treat others with generosity, caring, and respect.

AGAPE LOVE

Lance's insights help set the stage for the Third Neuron Secret: The Principle of Generosity: give not to receive, but only to fill your heart with joy.

Other authors, experts, and sages often refer to this principle as Reciprocity. They cite studies wherein someone gives something to someone else, which usually results in the other party feeling obligated to reciprocate. For example, researchers found that when a waiter or waitress offers a single mint along with the restaurant bill, tips increase by 3 percent. However, when two mints are offered, tips quadruple to 14 percent. Even more astonishing, when that same waitress offers only one mint, but then pauses, turns back and offers an “extra special mint” for customers, tips increase by 23 percent.

From this perspective, Reciprocity obviously works, but it's also a bit selfish. We're not giving because it's the right thing to do, we're giving because we want something in return, like a bigger tip. However, there's another side to this coin. Reciprocity also stands for the mantra that “for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Does this mean that if we offer kindness to someone their reaction will be just the opposite, as in animosity? Actually, no. Reciprocity refers to a direction that is opposite, not an action.

By reflecting anger, hatred, intolerance, ignorance, bigotry, misery, fear, or any negative emotion, thought, or feeling, we receive an equal measure of this in return. However, if we give love, understanding, patience, kindness, tranquility, tenderness, or positive emotions, thoughts, or feelings, we receive a like measure in return. This is only true if what we give is genuine and if we have no expectations of reciprocation. For that reason, we should think of this as the Principle of Generosity and not Reciprocity.

This principle aligns with the Greek word agape, which refers to a selfless, unconditional type of love for everyone and everything. Agape love extends to all humankind, whether family or complete strangers. Proof of the relationship between the words agape and generosity can be found in the modern word charity, which is a derivative of the Latin word caritas—a later translation of agape.

Agape love appeals mostly to our emotional brain, therefore it is best expressed through visual, aural, or tactile means rather than through written words or numbers. As leaders, we must exhibit this type of love by stepping out of our office and managing by “walking around.” Even if we're a die‐hard introvert, and especially if we are, we need to get out of our comfort zone and engage with our team. We cannot exhibit this form of love by burying our noses in a computer screen. Set aside at least fifteen minutes each day to visit with as many people on your team as possible. Smile and ask them how they're doing. Point to a picture of their family and ask a few questions, such as “what's your daughter's name?” Get visual and appeal to their emotional brain by showing them a picture of your family. Doing so will build trust, which will increase their oxytocin levels.

“Stress inhibits the release of oxytocin,” said Dr. Paul Zak. “Leaders who are more generous, open, vulnerable, and approachable increase the likelihood of oxytocin release. In return, that person will be more motivated to perform for that leader. Conversely, screaming, intimidation, or force will lower oxytocin. Those tactics may work short term, but almost never long term. Workers will become jaded, unmotivated, and may eventually leave.”

Modern neuroscience also validates that when we are generous and grateful, we can increase dopamine and serotonin production—in ourselves and others—and improve our feelings of contentment and desire to perform.

Dr. Zak said, “Oxytocin works by activating a brain network that makes us more empathetic.”

If we treat others nicely we will increase their oxytocin level. They will feel good and want to treat us nicely in return. This is what many refer to as reciprocity. However, it is not effective if the generosity offered is not genuine. Our brains are highly receptive. Most people can smell a fake. Picture a sleazy used car salesperson. When this happens, cortisol is triggered along with norepinephrine. The cortisol lowers oxytocin and therefore trust while the norepinephrine triggers an adrenaline fight or flight response.

In work environments, giving praise when justly due for positive actions is an excellent way to exhibit agape love. The giving must be genuine and void of expectations or manipulative motives. It's also best when it occurs not long after the employee's action. Dr. Zak calls this Ovation and notes that it “can cause the direct release of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the brain.” He also said that “dopamine's effect is most powerful when Ovation is unexpected, tangible, and personal.” He cautions against focusing on money as a reward as it's not very personal. A Boston Consulting Group survey found that recognition is the most important thing people want, while higher salary is number eight on the list.¹

Many leading firms now place agape love, in the form of mutual compassion, at the top of their company culture list. Google studies indicate that top‐performing managers “express interest in and concern for team members' success and personal well‐being.”² In 2015, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos responded to a New York Times article that gave the company negative marks for caring about employees. He said, “…any such lack of empathy needs to be zero” and asked employees to email him directly if they experienced a lack of empathy in their work environment.³

Compassion equals cash. A 2012 Towers Watson Global Workforce Study on 32,000 workers from almost thirty countries validated that exhibiting compassion was at the top of the “must do” list to increase engagement.⁴ Employees who work for genuinely compassionate and empathetic leaders are 67 percent more engaged, and they value this attribute more than money or benefits.

To increase engagement, retention, and profitability, our goal as leaders should be to embody agape love to set the right example for our team. Also, empower other leaders to do the same by encouraging the right culture and rewarding the right behaviors. Finally, enlist (hire) leaders who exhibit a spirit of unconditional agape love.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

How can we love unconditionally when we live in a conditional world? Everything in our life is defined by conditions. We can keep our job if we perform adequately. We can keep our home if we pay our mortgage. We can advance our career if we work hard and leverage our professional relationships. We can have loving relationships if we nurture them. How then does the term “unconditional” have relevance when our lives are filled with all these conditions?

We must leave our expectations at the door.

The term unconditional love is an oxymoron. It's redundant. If we love, truly love, it should always be unconditional. Achieving this requires loving and receiving love without expectations. In fact, when it comes to love, the word “expectation” is synonymous with the word “condition.”

During our childhood years, most of us learned from well‐meaning parents, teachers, coaches, pastors, or other authoritarian figures. They taught us the concept of “pain and gain.” If we did something wrong, we felt pain. If we did something right, we “gained” a reward. Many of us unwittingly began to equate “gain” with love. If we did what Mom or Dad wanted, they smiled and showered us with praise and admiration. They bought us ice cream. They loved us. Naturally, we drew a straight line from performance to love. Is it any wonder that so many of us began to feel that love must be earned?

Of course, for most, our parents showered us with unconditional love and validated this often in word and deed. However, there were many times when indications of love were preceded by a positive action on our part. We got a pat on the head when we did something right. Those in positions of authority gave us a treat or a whack based solely on our ability to either please or anger them: a rap on the knuckles or a candy bar. We felt hated or loved. We developed expectations and “love” became conditional. Now, we must remove the shackles of our past and learn how to give from a heart filled with agape.

C.S. Lewis described agape as “gift love,” which he called the highest form of love. Unfortunately, studies show that this type of love has declined dramatically over the past several decades. Apparently, our desire and capacity to love each other and give unconditionally is on the decline. How can we regain this lost art, which is vital to our very survival?

Through generosity. We must learn how to give again.

There's a quote in the Bible (John 15:13) that says: “Greater love hath no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Those who use this verse in their teachings typically refer to “life” as “death.” They imply that the greatest way for us to exhibit love for someone else is to “die” for them. I interpret this verse quite differently. I don't believe John was referring to death. He plainly said “life.”

What is life? Think about that word for a moment. How do we define life? Most of us might say, “it's what we do every day.” If so, what is “every day?” The simple answer is: every day is twenty‐four hours. Therefore, life is the equivalent of time. For without time, we have no life. From that perspective, we can see that what John was really saying is: “Greater love hath no one than this, that he lay down his time for his friends.”

Our time for our friends, not our death.

Ask yourself this tough question: how much time did you lay down today for anyone besides yourself? How much time did you dedicate to your family or loved ones? How much time did you give to your friends or colleagues or team? How much time did you donate to perfect strangers? Each and every minute of our day is precious. How much love did you show anyone else today by generously giving them your time?

If you want to incorporate agape into your life, and you should if you want to have a life worth living, then you must be generous enough to lay down your life—your time—for others. This is a tough ask in a busy world with deadlines and demands, but if we remain sequestered between the walls of our closed‐off mind, we will live a life devoid of meaning or true happiness. We will die depleted, decrepit, despised, and devoid of any humanity. If that is your goal in life, forget about the word agape. Stay selfish with your time and give it to no one.

If your desire, however, is to live a life filled with passion, purpose, and unconditional love, then embrace the principle of generosity and give of your time freely. Throwing a few bucks at a charity won't cut it. Find something that fills your heart with a burning desire and your eyes with misted love. Volunteer your time, your passion, your love, and your life to that cause, charity, mission, or purpose. Give it your time. Give it your life. Give it your love.

“The greatest gift you can give someone is your time,” said Gordon England, former deputy secretary of defense. “Time is precious to everyone. It's not renewable. I believe that the most effective leaders are the ones who spend time with their people.”

In team leadership environments, agape love allows us to create and foster an atmosphere of cooperation and support. If we care about each other as people, we are apt to be more generous and sharing and open to change, especially when stress is high and resources are low. By giving of our expertise and time to others, without any expectations of reciprocity, we instill trust and respect. If others are giving unconditionally to us, it's nearly impossible to not be motivated to give back to them. We trust that they have our back, and they trust that we have theirs. This is called “foxhole” trust.

In tight military units, most especially in Navy SEAL teams, initial training focuses on building foxhole trust. For these units to operate efficiently, each teammate must feel that everyone else on the team will take a bullet for them, literally. They call this “having your six,” which means they are watching your back at the six o'clock position (as if you were standing in the middle of a clock). Teams in these environments operate at a high level of efficiency not simply because they are ordered to do so by a control freak with a bullhorn. They do so because they love each other unconditionally. They live by a moral code that none would ever consider violating. They know they do not have to face hardships or the enemy alone. They can close their eyes and sleep in a foxhole because they trust that another teammate is wide awake with their finger near a trigger.

Jordan Goldrich is a Master Certified Corporate Executive Coach and executive consultant for CUSTOMatrix in San Diego, California. He partners with senior leaders to produce results in complex, competitive, and rapidly changing environments by creating aligned, empowered teams and workgroups. He helps executives inspire trust, loyalty, and commitment by understanding and articulating their purpose and passion while demonstrating integrity, humility, and courage. Jordan also specializes in working with valued executives, who may be considered as abrasive by their employees, to change the unintended impact of their style by refining their “Warrior Spirit.” He has a diverse background as a Chief Operations Officer and a Center for Creative Leadership executive coach.

Said Jordan, “The greatest warriors in the world, which include U.S. Navy SEALs, Marine Raiders, and other Special Operations forces, are successful because they create a team culture wherein everyone feels they are part of the ‘tribe.’ They are committed to the mission; everyone's back is covered, and their duty is to serve humbly.”

THE CARING COMMANDER

John Robert (Bob) Wood grew up as an “Army brat.” His father was a career officer in the infantry and encouraged Bob to apply for the United States Military Academy at West Point, New York. He was accepted in 1968 and graduated in 1972. He served in various units and then earned a Masters of Business Administration (MBA) degree from the University of Chicago. The Army then asked him to return to West Point to teach courses in economics and finance.

Three years later, Bob became a White House Fellow in the Reagan National Security Council before transferring to Germany. He also served for four years in a variety of Army field artillery staff jobs. He returned to the United States in 1990 to assume command of an artillery battalion at Fort Bragg, North Carolina. Shortly afterwards, all hell broke loose.

When Iraq invaded Kuwait in 1990, Bob commanded one of the initial units to deploy and face Saddam Hussein's forces head on in Operations Desert Shield and Desert Storm. These two complex operations required months of preparation and remarkable execution in combat logistics by his team. Bob discovered that inspiring his soldiers to commit the time and effort needed to meet the demands of these tough and dangerous missions required a generous and caring attitude.

“When I graduated from West Point and assumed the role of an officer and a leader,” said Bob, “one of the first things my father told me was to ‘take care of my people.’ I never forgot that. Caring is not the same thing as coddling. It means honestly paying attention to and having an interest in the needs of your team. You need to know what concerns and motivates them. In the Army, you have both the family side and the soldier side of the coin, and you need to help your team maintain a proper balance between the two.”

Bob believes that it's vitally important for leaders to understand the complete breadth of what it takes to support and care for your troops. Building strong units requires building strong individuals. A weak link in the chain can break your entire team. Sometimes you need to replace the link, but more often you need to help the link become stronger.

“You need to adopt a caring and generous attitude,” said Bob. “If you're not willing to give every person on your team what they need to succeed, including understanding and support for them personally and for their family, then it's almost impossible to ask them to give you their all.”

Bob also believes that few will give you their “all” unless they trust you; and trust is earned, not given. In his opinion, it only takes an instant to lose your team's trust. You must demonstrate that you care about them every day, and you must be willing to stand up for them when it's the right thing to do, even if you're risking your career.

“I think it's vital not to set up anyone on your team to fail,” said Bob. “Whenever a new commander reported to me for duty, I always wanted to help him succeed. I'd give him a few small tasks to complete and then get out of his way. By planning, executing, and succeeding, he learned how to lead his new team and earn their trust and confidence. My father told me early on to always take care of my people, and I hope I did him proud.”

John Robert Wood was promoted to Deputy Commander of the U.S. Joint Forces Command and earned the rank of Lieutenant General (Three‐Star) prior to his retirement from the Army in January 2009. He was later recruited by AFCEA International to serve as Executive Vice President for National Security and Defense.

TEN AGAPE LEADERSHIP REVIEW POINTS

1. The Third Neuron Secret is the Neuron Principle of Generosity: give not to receive, but only to fill your heart with joy.
2. Agape is emotional and is best expressed through visual, aural, and tactile means rather than through copy, graphs, or numbers.
3. Adopting this principle requires an understanding of, and desire to live by, the ancient Greek form of love called agape.
4. Agape love refers to unconditional love, which requires loving without expectations. We must love the people we lead and serve as an example of how they should love each other.
5. Teams can learn from tight military units that foster foxhole trust, wherein each teammate can rely on others unconditionally.
6. Our mission as leaders requires knowledge, courage, dedication, and, above all, generous and unconditional love.
7. We must treat team members like a close family of brothers and sisters who alongside us equally risk careers and livelihoods and reputations.
8. We must show our love by laying down our life—our time—for those whom we lead.
9. The Tin Woodsman in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz provides a good metaphoric representation and embodiment of this principle.
10. This principle can be summed by these two words: be generous.

THREE STEPS TO AGAPE LEADERSHIP

1. Policy: Leaders should be privately evaluated by their teams at least once per quarter. The evaluation should contain the typical business aspects, but should also include evaluative criteria related to the leader's personality, likability, demeanor, and trustworthiness. While these aspects may not seem “businesslike,” studies show that teams are far more productive when they admire, like, and trust their leaders—especially those who exhibit “unconditional love” and generosity for their team members.
2. Procedure: Leaders should set aside at least one hour per month to show unconditional love and generosity to each team member by offering praise and mentorship. This should include suggestions for improvement, offered in a positive rather than negative way, as well as recognition for accomplishments—which should not strictly relate to business but also include the person's ability to function well with other team members.
3. Practice: Leaders should create an atmosphere of unconditional love and generosity by sharing one uplifting and inspiring story about a team member, customer, and so on, with the entire team each week (an example of this can be found in The Neuron 3‐Act Play chapter). This can serve to reinforce the organization's commitment to a higher purpose and demonstrate a desire to reward selfless and generous behavior.

ONE AGAPE LEADERSHIP EXERCISE

For this exercise, you will first need to create a journal and then do the following:

1. Write down the full name of everyone on your team. This includes everyone you lead and everyone who helps you accomplish your professional goals.
2. Under each name, create a list of everything you want to know about them. This should include their background—personal and professional—and their family member names. What is their favorite pastime? Sports team? TV show? Book or author? Food? Restaurant? Place to visit on vacation? Other questions?
3. Also under each name, create three columns. Label one Motivators and the second column Fears. Label the third column Desires. Do not label this “Goals.”
4. Meet with each person one‐to‐one, whenever you have at least 30 minutes uninterrupted. Devote your entire attention to them. Do not answer your phone, reply to an email, and so on. Show them that they matter, you care, and you truly want to know more about them. Open with your own ludus fun stories and information about yourself to make them feel comfortable, and then start asking questions from number two above. Once they are open to talking, ask them questions from number three above.
   1. For Motivators, try to understand what their real passions are—what truly motivates them personally and professionally.
   2. For Fears, this is tougher as they may not want to reveal any. You might “ask around” this question by getting them to describe one of their most terrifying experiences.
   3. For Desires, help them to be more open and tell you what they really want in life. What drives them? What are their passions? Why did they choose their current profession? Where do they want to go in life?
5. Armed with the above knowledge, use the web or mobile app at www.neuronleaders.com to determine their Neuron Personality Profile. If they feel comfortable enough, some individuals may answer these questions on their own and let you know what profile they selected. If not, you can use the answers to the questions you asked and make an educated guess. Usually, once you have spent some time observing someone, their profile type will become obvious.
6. Now that you better understand your teammates, you can use the Neuron Personality Profiler™ app (www.neuronleaders.com) to determine optimal messaging, approaches, Do's and Don'ts, and so on, to better communicate, motivate, and inspire these individuals.
7. Having set the right example, encourage your team to do all the above with each other.

There is quiet water

    In the center of your soul,

Where a son or daughter

    Can be taught what no man knows.

There's a fragrant garden

    In the center of your soul,

Where the weak can harden

    And the narrow mind can grow.

There's a rolling river

    In the center of your soul,

An eternal giver

    With a rich and endless flow.

There's a land of muses

    In the center of your soul,

Where the rich are losers

    And the poor are free to go.

So remain with me, then,

    To pursue another goal

And to find your freedom

    In the center of your soul.

—Dr. James Kavanaugh, from Quiet Waters