Conflict is a restriction of energy. Your task is to free up that energy for more productive and purposeful use—for your people, your team, and your organization or company.
8 REVIEW AND FOLLOW-UP
Those managers who thrive and who look forward to coming to work every day are those who proactively, respectfully, and thoughtfully address conflict rather than those who seek to ignore it or pass it on to another manager or department. The question is not whether you are a conflict manager. The question is, “What kind of conflict manager are you?”
—Susan S. Raines, Conflict Management for Managers
The energy of our differences can produce a precious gift we could never have experienced without them.
—Thomas Crum, The Magic of Conflict
Primary Purpose
The primary purpose is to establish a review process to make sure the new habits and relationship are holding, as well as to design a support system for the future.
Preparation
- Know your purpose.
- Read your notes from the previous session.
- Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.
Agenda
- Ask for any new developments since the last session.
- Decide whether the parties will write an agreement and what system of follow-up you'll use.
- Talk with the parties' manager(s) (if this isn't you) to help decide how much and what kind of follow-up is necessary.
- Agree on how much transparency you will employ with other members of the team.
- Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session.
New Life at Work
At the end of an aikido class, we bow to each partner we practiced with. We do this quietly from a seated position, called “seiza.” Then we bow as we leave the mat, also from seiza. We make a final standing bow as we exit the space. We bow a lot—to our partners, to our instructors, and to the space. In aikido, as the saying goes, “When in doubt, bow!”
Aikido etiquette revolves around the bow, which represents respect and gratitude. Bowing in and out are ritualized traditions in dojos around the world. When we bow in, we're saying, “I'm ready to learn, I'm fully present, and I'm willing to practice and take on all that goes with it. I'm willing to try, fail, try again, and eventually reach a new level of skill.”
When we bow out, we're saying, “Thank you very much for this opportunity to practice these techniques and to learn with you and from our teachers.”
Most aikidoists leave the dojo intending to use not just the martial techniques, should the need arise, but to utilize the principles of entering, blending, and redirecting in their daily lives as well. Aikidoists enter the practice as beginners, and gradually gain skill and experience. The way of aikido starts to feel more and more familiar as the days, months, and years go by.
In a similar way, although the skills to manage conflict are not always intuitive or obvious in the workplace, they exist and can be learned. We weren't born knowing these skills, and in many cases, have learned conflict habits that are not productive or helpful. However, we change ineffectual habits by adopting new ones that serve us more intentionally, and we become proficient by practicing them. Adopting and practicing new habits is what this book is about.
You've been engaged in a phased intervention that has reached a successful conclusion. You and your employees, partners, or coworkers have all learned from the process, and are better prepared to deal with conflict at work and elsewhere. You're bowing out, but you're not leaving. As an internal manager or supervisor, you continue to witness the day-to-day interactions of the people you've been coaching, and you remain an influence as you return to your former role in their work lives. Unlike my external consultant responsibility, which disappears when I bow out, your responsibility and challenge will be to act as if you've disappeared, so your employees can practice working through any future difficulties on their own. You'll be there if needed, and you'll check in periodically.
Writing an Agreement
If a letter of agreement is part of the process, it shouldn't be a surprise or left to the final session. When I'm asked to include this agreement, I let the parties know at the outset and ask them to take notes along the way about what goes into that agreement. If, during the coaching process, the parties choose to create an agreement, the same applies. I take careful notes and ask them to keep their own notes to use later.
Usually, the document is fairly simple. It states specific behaviors the parties are requesting from each other; how they intend to address future setbacks; how to request support from management; and, sometimes, consequences if the parties don't fulfill the agreement. In my own session notes, I circle topics that I think should go into the agreement and bring them up if the participants forget. When it's time to create the document, I ask for their thoughts and record them on a flipchart. I use questions similar to those listed in Chapter 7. For example:
- “What do you want to keep doing that's working now?”
- “What are possible difficult situations that my come up, and how will you handle them?”
- “How will you keep future conflicts from escalating?”
- “How do you like to receive feedback from each other?”
- “What support do you need from each other or someone else?”
- “What agreements have you made in these meetings about how you're going to handle things differently in the future?”
If I see something in my notes that is not brought up by the parties, I offer it for inclusion. When all our thoughts and requests are up on the flipchart, we create a written agreement. I often have them write it up themselves.
I find creating an agreement together to be one of the more rewarding aspects of finalizing the process; I enjoy watching the parties work together to shape what their future work relationship will look like. A sample agreement is included in Appendix F.
Including Others in the Process
Although the intervention is closing for the parties involved, others on the team or in the organization may have been aware of the ongoing coaching sessions. Coworkers and others affected by the original conflict may have also noticed the changes in the parties as they progressed. And even when the coaching goes well, there may be residue left behind from the original conflict. How do you let the larger group know the issue is resolved? Do you want to be transparent about the process?
If you haven't already, now is a good time to talk to the parties about whether and how they would like to include the rest of their team, department, or organization in the process. Over the years, my clients have taken different approaches, and usually the parties—in conjunction with their manager or HR professional—decide together on this step. Sometimes, due to confidentiality requirements, nothing at all is said. If the parties decide they want to involve others, the method can be as simple as a few personal conversations, an email, or a presentation at a team meeting.
In my work with Susan and Lauren, in addition to talking with their peers, Susan wrote an article for the company newsletter sharing her experience, and explaining the benefits of studying conflict and communication skills. Although Susan and Lauren began the process as skeptics, they learned how practicing a few simple skills gave them the personal power to deal with conflict and difficult communication in all areas of life.
These women accomplished much more than the resolution of a conflict. They became spirited leaders and skilled role models for their team and organization. This is not unusual. In my experience, people are empowered by the skills in a way that makes the parties want to share their new perspective on how conflict and difficult communication can be skillfully managed.
Follow Up and Check In
At your final joint session, you decide together what follow-up looks like. How will you, as their manager, check in with the parties to make sure they feel confident about the post-process relationship, and supported in using their new skills and principles? Do you want to wait a period of time (possibly sixty to ninety days) or would you prefer to have more frequent check-ins? Do the parties want a more formal meeting to discuss what's working and what needs work, or do you all prefer a more informal approach? Is there a format somewhere in between? There are no right answers; what you decide together is the solution you implement.
Annie, my VP of HR colleague, prefers an informal approach: checking in with one party, then the other—always in the same week. Instead of an office meeting, she and her people are spontaneous. She makes it a point to meet first with their manager or supervisor to see if the manager's recounting of events matches the employees'. Sometimes the employee is more interested in sidestepping a new problem or in presenting a good front. Depending on what the manager says, Annie either follows up or leaves well enough alone.
Annie's follow-ups may find her running into one of the parties and casually asking, “How's it going? Everything okay?” Depending on the response—“Well, um, okay, I guess” or “Great! Things are really good”—Annie knows whether more follow-up is needed. In general, she stays alert to how the parties are getting along and occasionally slips in a wake-up call, when/if needed. According to Annie, “It's important to know when to let things go and when to intervene. You don't want to appear aloof, and you don't want to keep poking at a conflict that's been resolved.”
Another HR director colleague takes a more formal approach, meeting once a month for about a year to continue the conversation with questions such as:
- “What do we want?”
- “What do we need more of?”
- “What's working?”
- “What are the current challenges?”
- “What are the solutions?”
The employees offer input, my colleague offers her observations, and they decide when to meet again.
A third option is one sixty-day follow-up. A manager I know in a highly competitive tech company likes this approach because the parties know they will be held accountable at that meeting for their actions during the last sixty days. He sends an email prior to the meeting with a few questions similar to the ones above for the parties to reflect on and discuss at the meeting.
One pair of coworkers enjoyed the regular opportunities to talk together so much they created their own follow-up system. In addition to a sixty-day meeting with their manager, the two decided to meet on their own, off campus, for lunch and a relationship check-in each month for a year.
Three Possible Outcomes
All the parties in this intervention have worked hard, and learned a lot about how to resolve conflict, hold learning conversations, and practice centered presence, personal power, and clarity of purpose. However you decide to follow up, ideally the meetings are little more than a pat on the back for all involved. And, because conflict exists, there will be setbacks and opportunities for continued practice.
Generally, assuming the parties continue in their current positions, there are three possible outcomes to the intervention:
- The conflict is resolved. The parties walk away with new skills, the manager is pleased, and things go forward with energy and effectiveness. Your people have increased awareness and a healthier relationship. Barriers have dropped, attitudes are lightened, and life at work is generally more effortless and definitely less stressful for everyone involved.
- The conflict is not resolved. Preferably, you'll know early in the process whether either or both parties are unwilling or unable to make the necessary changes, or if the conflict has progressed in a way that makes resolution unlikely. You may foresee this during the individual sessions, decide to stop the process, and go to Plan B: performance review, transfer to another position, or termination. If you find yourself in this situation later on during the joint sessions, you will do the same—stop the process, share your observations with the individuals (and their managers), and decide how to proceed. It will help if you've thought about such a contingency at the outset.
- The conflict seems resolved. The parties work together well for a while, but in time, the working relationship deteriorates and falls back to where it was at the beginning. If you have an agreement and there are consequences or contingencies built into the agreement, you'll know what to do. If the parties did not create a written agreement and consequences have not otherwise been defined, I suggest meeting individually again to see what was missed, how things got off track, and whether the parties are willing to try again. At this point, make a decision about continuing with a joint meeting or employing Plan B.
In my experience, you almost always know in the first one or two individual sessions whether the process will be successful. Trust your instinct. Don't be afraid early on to tackle the hard questions. Ask yourself whether, knowing what you know, working with these people is worth your investment of time and energy. When your answer is “Yes” and your goal is to support their process, you will find the road that takes you where you want to go.
Key Points
- It is important to establish a system of review to make sure the new habits and relationship are holding and to offer support when needed.
- At your final joint session, decide with the parties what follow-up will look like—formal or informal, and how often.
- Decide if the parties will write an agreement and how they will address future setbacks.
- Agree on whether and how you will be transparent about the process with other members of the team or organization.
- If the working relationship deteriorates after the coaching is over, consider meeting again.
- It helps to have an agreement in place in the event the dysfunction continues.
- If you have an agreement and there are consequences or contingencies built in, you will know what to do.
Vibrant and Joyful
My purpose in writing this book has been to help you be successful in supporting your people to communicate, resolve their differences, and work together amicably and productively. Conflict is a restriction of energy. Your task is to free up that energy for more productive and purposeful use—for your people, your team, and your organization or company. Imagine untangling a knot. You go at it slowly and methodically. You stay focused and present, seeing how each strand plays a part in the restriction and where the knot is most unyielding. You work gently in order to find where the strands want to move. You don't push or pull; you work with them, guiding them until the strands are free to move independently to accomplish their purpose.
Aikido's founder, Morihei Ueshiba, wrote, “Always practice the Art of Peace in a vibrant and joyful manner.” This principle underlies all of my work. I offer it to you. When you engage in this process, you are practicing the Art of Peace.
Bow in.
Enter, blend, redirect.
Bow out.
Practice, practice, practice.
I wish you good ki on your journey!